Finger Lickin' Dead

by Riley Adams

  Everyone around Ginger had frozen. Lulu wished she had some sort of guilt-detection device—but then she noticed that everyone there looked guilty—even Ben. They all listened intently to Ginger with startled looks on their faces. Tudy looked especially riveted and Lulu wondered again how angry Tudy was about Oliver being stuck at home. Evelyn finally succeeded in pulling Ginger away right as she was on the verge of foaming at the mouth.

  “Well,” said Tudy in a shaken voice. “That was really something. And why’d she keep looking at you, Oliver? You’re not hiding anything from me, are you?” Her laugh rang hollow.

  Oliver said, “Was she looking at me? Who knows—I think this murder has messed with her mind.”

  “Remind me again,” said Ben, “why Evelyn is friends with that woman?”

  “Evelyn tells me that they have a bond,” said Lulu. “Evelyn says she’s trying to do some healing and Ginger is helping her do that.”

  “It sounds like Ginger thinks that the murderer was the one who wronged her,” said Oliver, looking like he had a bad taste in his mouth. “You’d think Ginger would have some pride and just move on.” He stopped talking abruptly as his phone buzzed to let him know he’d gotten a text. He frowned at the device as if he’d never seen it before.

  Big Jack laughed, but it wasn’t the natural sound that it usually was. “Funerals are usually all about closure,” he said. “But it sounded to me like she was doing some opening instead of closing.”

  Ben was looking curiously at Big Jack. “I’m surprised that you came. I didn’t even realize that you knew Adam.”

  Big Jack briefly glanced over at Lulu, saw in her eyes that she hadn’t mentioned anything to Ben about Big Jack’s problems with Adam, and said, “Ben—you know I know everybody.” He glanced at his watch. “Good thing this funeral is over because I’m absolutely starving. I was worried my stomach was going to start growling at me during that preacher’s longwinded prayer.”

  Lulu said, “Want to come back to the restaurant with us? We’ll give you our special friend price.”

  “Wish I could, Lulu, but I’ve got to go meet with my accountant and he’s outside Memphis. I’ll have to grab something on my way out of town.” He looked mournful. “And all this fast food is making me a bigger Big Jack than usual.”

  Lulu frowned. “Where did Ben go? I tell you, I can’t keep track of that boy. Shoot—looks like he’s over at the car, waiting on me. See you later, Big Jack.”

  On the way to the car, Lulu caught up with Holden, still milling around the cemetery. “I’m actually doing a little looking around—for Evelyn, mainly,” said Lulu. “She felt like she was one of the main suspects because of her involvement with Adam. I’m just trying to help her clear things up.”

  Holden looked wilted. Even his bow tie drooped. “Well, that’s really nice of you, Lulu. I’m sure Evelyn appreciates your friendship.”

  “We’re friends, too, Holden. Think of all those years that you worked for the newspaper and came in to visit with us. You always wrote either nice things about restaurants, or wrote really constructive criticism of places you thought needed improvement.” Lulu smiled gently at Holden.

  His thin lips trembled a little. “Yes, that’s true. I always did my best, even if it wasn’t always recognized or appreciated by the paper.”

  “And I know,” said Lulu, reaching over and squeezing Holden’s cold hand, “how hard it hit you when you lost your job at the newspaper. I know it hurt when you’d invested so many years into doing a good job for them and then you’re replaced by someone new . . . and younger.”

  Holden winced and nodded.

  “My question has to do with something that Ben noticed the day Adam was murdered. He said that he’d gone bulldozing up to you and told you about Eppie Currian’s real identity. He said . . . well, he said you were shopping for baked beans.”

  Holden’s face turned even paler and now drops of perspiration appeared on his upper lip.

  “And I think you probably know,” said Lulu in a gentle voice, “that Adam’s body was found covered with baked beans.”

  “I do know that,” said Holden, clearing his throat. His voice was still very dry. “Yes. Let me tell you what happened, Lulu. It’s not what you think.”

  Holden took a white handkerchief from his jacket pocket and dabbed at his mouth.

  “You’re right—Ben did see me in the grocery store and tell me about Adam being the food critic. And I was holding a can of baked beans. The reason I was holding a can of baked beans”—and Lulu wanted to give him a reassuring hug when she saw how stiff he stood as he tried to hold in his emotions—“is because after I lost my job with the paper, I also lost all my income. And, unfortunately, I’ve never been much of a saver. So when Adam took over my job, he lost me my total livelihood and means of support.

  “I’ve been boiling mad, ready to erupt, for weeks now. It’s terrible to go from nice meals in nice restaurants to baked beans and baked potatoes at home. So when Ben told me this, all I could really hear was my heart pounding because I was so furious. I even knew exactly where the guy lived—he was in my same condominium building.

  “At first I was just planning to go home, eat my early lunch, and maybe think of a way to talk to this Adam about it. I don’t know exactly what I thought I’d gain by talking to him! It wasn’t like he was going to apologize and tell me I could have my old job back. But I suppose I wanted to just let him know what he’d cost me by angling for my job.

  “So I went home and heated up the beans on the stove. And then I looked out the window and saw Adam—standing right near the river, smoking. Just seeing him made me so livid that I saw red. All thought of serious discourse or any reproachful lectures flew out the window and the next thing I know I’m marching down the stairs with a bowl of baked beans in my hands.”

  “Did you see anybody on your way down?” asked Lulu, thinking of Evelyn.

  Holden shook his head. “But I’m not even sure I’d have noticed if I had. I was that focused. I walked right down the path, down to the river, called his name, he turned around, and I flung the beans right at his expensive suit. He had baked beans all over it.” Even now, Holden’s voice sounded triumphant.

  “Did he say anything?” asked Lulu.

  “Nothing I can repeat in nice company,” said Holden, with a rather prissy pursing of his lips. “But I did notice that he looked awful, even before I threw the beans all over him. It looked like he’d been in a fight or something—he was all banged up. And the suit looked like it had dirt on it, which was very odd since it was an expensive suit.”

  That would be resulting from Oliver’s push down the stairs, thought Lulu.

  “Has Ben . . . said anything to the police?” asked Holden, anxiously twisting his handkerchief in his hands. “I promise that’s all that happened. I stomped right off after saying something like, ‘That’s what you get for stealing people’s jobs.’ He was very much alive when I left him.”

  “No,” said Lulu, squeezing Holden’s hand again. “No, he didn’t say anything to the police. I think he was hoping you had an explanation like the one you just gave me.”

  He looked over toward the gravesite and said, “When I heard Adam was dead, it made me happier than anything had in months.”

  “What was all that about?” asked Ben as he drove her back to the restaurant. “Having a heart-to-heart with Holden?”

  “Just confirming that you were right about those baked beans. He threw them, all right. But he didn’t kill Adam—just saw the opportunity to ruin his fancy clothes, is all.”

  Ben looked glum. “Doesn’t sound like a very likely story, Mother. Now I’m thinking that I’ve incited somebody to murder. That couldn’t be a very good thing to have in St. Peter’s book when I’m standing at the Golden Gate.”

  “Pooh! Holden wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s practically helpless.” But inside Lulu wasn’t really so sure.

  Derrick was waiting for Lulu on the front porch of Aunt P
at’s when they got back to the restaurant. Ben reached out and ruffled Derrick’s long hair as he walked by on his way back to the kitchen. “Remember, Derrick, the invitation is open to you to go hunting with me this weekend. We could go out, take the dogs with us, enjoy nature, and break away from all the ladies here at Aunt Pat’s who are forever nagging at us.” He gave a wicked look at Lulu.

  “It’s more like you’ll go out there and eliminate nature,” said Lulu, sitting down in the high-backed wooden rocker. “And I don’t know exactly what kind of help Babette would be to you out in the field.” Lulu looked innocently at Ben.

  He colored a little. “I wasn’t talking about taking Babette out hunting. I’d take the Labs, of course. Babette might get hurt.”

  Babette was the ratlike, yippy dog that Coco and Ben adored. It hated Lulu with a passion and followed her around, baring its teeth.

  “Oh, I don’t know. She might be good at flushing doves out,” said Lulu mildly.

  But when Ben looked hard at her and saw the traces of a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, he said darkly, “No one really understands Babette.”

  “Besides, the ladies you’re talking about wanting to escape are the very ones who help keep you straight; you should know that by now. I shudder to think what kinds of outfits you’d be wearing if you didn’t have Sara pick out your clothes for you every day.”

  Ben looked offended. “She doesn’t put them out for me in the mornings, Mother. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “She may not lay them out for you, but she’ll send you right on back to the closet if you’ve got a tacky combination on, won’t she?”

  Ben looked vexed.

  “That’s what I thought,” said Lulu, rocking with vigorous satisfaction.

  “I’d better get some ribs going,” muttered Ben as he walked into the restaurant. He called behind him, “Just remember that the offer stands, Derrick. Anytime you’re ready, I’ll pull the camo out.”

  The idea of Derrick in camouflage made Lulu smile. He was a totally modern teenager, dressed in black, baggy clothes. He had long, shaggy hair that he dyed black, a ratty-looking goatee, and had his nose and ear pierced and Lord knows what else. She remembered that he also had a huge tattoo of an eagle on his back, from the rare occasions he took his shirt off. Picturing him dressed up for a hunt was like trying to picture him in a tutu.

  Derrick smiled back at Lulu, and she said, “Don’t mind Ben. He thinks that all teenage boys want to drive out to the middle of nowhere and sit for hours in the heat, humidity, and mosquitoes for a chance to shoot something.”

  “At least he wants to spend time with me,” said Derrick. “It’s just not something I’m really excited about doing.” His phone buzzed at him from the table, but he ignored it.

  “Speaking of something you might not want to do,” said Lulu, “did Peggy Sue’s granddaughter call you?”

  Derrick nodded, and Lulu saw a faint red creeping up his neck. “Yeah. It was kind of weird, Granny Lulu. I’m not used to girls calling me up. Or girls calling anybody up, unless they’re dating somebody.”

  Lulu sighed. “I’m with you on that. It’s a whole new, modern world. Peggy Sue knew that you’re on the quiet side and for some reason she’s really got it stuck in her head that y’all should go out. So she got Peaches to call you, knowing you can be shy.” Lulu shook her head. “Times sure have changed.”

  “Have you found out anything about Peaches?” asked Derrick. It always surprised Lulu that Derrick, with his tough, pierced, tattooed exterior, was so vulnerable. His voice really showed his nerves and told Lulu that he was really worried about the date.

  Lulu frowned. “Let’s see. Peggy Sue has talked about her from time to time. I think she makes good grades?” Derrick continued looking worried. “And maybe she has a scholarship to a good college in the works?” Lulu didn’t seem to be relieving Derrick’s mind. “And she doesn’t really have any friends because she just moved here.”

  Derrick was slumping even more than usual and Lulu realized that she hadn’t done anything but make the situation worse. A smart girl with no friends. Not the best way to relieve a seventeen-year-old’s mind.

  “Peggy Sue hasn’t been real good about sharing her pictures with me lately, I’m afraid. I remember seeing her school photo about five years ago, but that’s not going to help,” said Lulu sadly. Five years ago the child had had a mouth full of braces and thick glasses. She’d just keep that little tidbit to herself—a lot could change for a girl in that amount of time. “But Peggy Sue is really cute, you know . . .”

  “But she and Peggy Sue aren’t related. So Peaches might not be cute.” said Derrick.

  Lulu sighed. “Right. But I’m sure it’ll be fine, sweetie.” Derrick fiddled with his phone a little.

  “What did she sound like on the phone?” asked Lulu.

  “Excited,” said Derrick in a quiet voice.

  Which could either be because she’d never gone out on a date before or because she was just glad to get out of the house. Neither of which was a great thing.

  “So you’re doing dinner and a movie?” asked Lulu. Derrick nodded. “Well, then, why not have supper here? At Aunt Pat’s? That way, if things aren’t going well with your date, the Graces, Big Ben, Buddy, Morty—we can all kind of join in and make it easier. We could make it sort of a group date. You’ll be on your own for the movie, but that part of the evening isn’t so bad—you’ll be watching a movie and won’t have to make conversation. What do you think?” She smiled at him.

  Derrick stood up and gave her an unexpected quick hug. “Thanks, Granny Lulu. I’ll text her and let her know.”

  Lulu had just finished cleaning up the dining room and helping get the evening’s blues band packed up and gone. Ben was bleaching the counters when Lulu got a call on her cell phone.

  “Oh, good,” said Evelyn. “You’re still there. Could you drop by my house for a glass of wine on your way home? I feel like I got run over by a Mack truck today—and then he backed up and ran over me again just to make sure I was dead.”

  Evelyn knew well and good that her house was not on the way home to Lulu’s—which just proved to Lulu how badly Evelyn needed somebody to talk to.

  “Of course, sweetie! Be there in a jiff.”

  Evelyn was already in a fluffy pink robe over silk pajamas when Lulu got there. She led the way into her massive living room, where a bottle of wine and two glasses sat on an antique mahogany table. “I really appreciate your coming by today, Lulu. Today has been an epic disaster from start to finish and you’ve been a sweet friend to share it with me: going to that awful funeral; coming by here after you’ve had a long afternoon on your feet at the restaurant.” She shook her head. “What a great friend you are. And believe me—Tommie appreciates it. I was going to force her to stay here and talk to me after she was supposed to go home if I didn’t have someone to cry to.”

  “Well, of course I was coming by! I’d like to see somebody stop me. What on earth happened this afternoon?”

  But Lulu had an inkling of what it might be, so she wasn’t totally surprised when Evelyn said, “The police questioned me all afternoon. And they were there at Adam’s funeral, too—did you see them? They think I killed Adam.”

  “Evelyn, I think it’s pretty standard for some member of the police department to attend the funeral of a murdered person when they’re in the middle of the investigation. Besides, they could have been there looking at Holden, Ginger, Oliver, Big Jack—or even Ben. You don’t know that they’re wanting to pin the murder on you.”

  The wine chugged as it splashed into the wineglasses under Evelyn’s heavy hand. “I don’t know it, no. But they sure wanted me to believe it this afternoon. I tell you, Lulu, they really made me feel like I was in a pickle.

  “They said, ‘So, Mrs. Wade, you were actually in the deceased’s condominium, wrecking it and recording a malicious phone message around the time that he was murdered. Is that correct?’
And I said, ‘Well, yes. But y’all have to credit me with more intelligence than that. If I’d murdered him, then I sure wouldn’t have wanted to point the investigators’ attention in my direction.’”

  “What did they say to that?” asked Lulu, thinking that Evelyn had made a pretty good point.

  “Unfortunately, they started in on the physical evidence they’d found that I’d been at the scene of the crime. Remember how I mentioned that I’d gone down near the river and seen Adam’s body? That didn’t seem to play too well with the police. I mean, they clearly knew that I’d been down there—they found some sort of evidence that tied me to the scene.”

  Evelyn took a good gulp of the wine, tilting her head back and letting it slide down her throat. “They wanted to know why, if I’d just discovered his body and not murdered him, I hadn’t called the police.”

  Lulu had wondered the same thing but figured the shock of finding Adam’s body had triggered a flight instinct in Evelyn, who’d always been a little skittish about sticking around. As her high number of ex-husbands could attest to.

  “So I told them that of course I didn’t want to report finding his body. Good Lord! For this very reason, right? I’d just trashed the man’s condominium and was clearly furious with him. Why would I want to call the police and say, ‘Oh, hello. I found the body of this man I loved—and hated. Just wanted to let you know’?”

  Lulu said, “Evelyn, I’m positive the police are just trying to figure out if you know anything that’s going to help them out. And hard questioning is just the way they go about it.”