Mountain Ash

by Margareta Osborn

  But what to do with Parnie and Buggsy?

  And the kitten, which they’d taken delivery of the week before from Muey. She’d thought it would help settle Milly into her new home at Glenevelyn. Instead it was making the move to their new home somewhere to the west of Windorah more difficult.

  ‘I’ll take it,’ said Joy with a sigh. She’d come to say goodbye after spending a few weeks in Melbourne. ‘I suppose it’s the least I can do.’ The woman sounded begrudging but in reality Jodie suspected she was delighted for the company. Her mother was hiring a car and driving back to Bribie Island so she could catch up with friends along the way. It appeared that since Trevor left, Joy had been lonely.

  Milly wasn’t happy about it, but in reality there was little she could do. Joy and the cat would get along fine because, when it was all said and done, their personalities weren’t that dissimilar. It’s all about me, what I want.

  ‘Windorah? You are joking, aren’t you?’

  Jodie shook her head and waited for Joy’s explosion. She wasn’t disappointed.

  ‘What on earth are you doing now, girl? That’s in the middle of nowhere. There’s no way I’m coming out there to help you!’

  ‘I’ll be finished the job before the baby’s due.’

  ‘Well, thank goodness for that. I couldn’t possibly stay in that dust and dirt. With all those …’ Joy seemed lost for words for a moment, then ‘… those outback-type people.’

  ‘And what do you call the people here, Mother?’

  ‘Exactly. I rest my case.’

  Jodie rolled her eyes. The woman was never going to change no matter how hard she tried. Better to just work with it than against it.

  ‘I’ll come to Bribie to have the baby.’

  Joy delivered her first smile since she’d arrived on McCauley’s Hill. ‘Really? That’d be splendid, Jodie. I’ll get to show all my friends you lovely girls.’

  At last a tiny slice of maternal pride. Better late than never.

  ‘That’s unless the new child is hideous, although I couldn’t imagine Nathaniel McGregor having an ugly baby.’

  Jodie sighed. Maybe there was some other option to Bribie?

  Nate had tried to convince her to stay. He had come back again and again to see her. Stacey had clearly opened her big mouth and told him that she was leaving for south-western Queensland.

  It didn’t make her any happier to see him greet Milly so beautifully. Nor to see Milly throw herself into his arms each time he kneeled down to hug her. The child adored the man.

  ‘Jodie,’ was his greeting when he finally made it to her side on his last visit. She had been cutting the lawn, trying to take advantage of the early evening cooler weather, in an effort to keep the area around the house as green – and fire safe – as she could.

  ‘Should you be doing that?’ he said with a look at the push mower.

  ‘I’m pregnant, Nathaniel, not sick.’

  ‘Hmmm …’ was his only reply. Followed by, ‘Can we talk?’

  ‘We’ve got nothing to talk about.’

  He sighed. ‘You’re still leaving?’ He ruffled that gorgeous head of hair with an agitated hand.

  ‘Yes.’ She couldn’t give him any more than that, so tight was she holding on to her emotions.

  ‘Can I come see you?’

  ‘No, Nate.’ She winced at his pained face. Yes, it was his baby, but she knew if she let him in, if she allowed him into her life, she’d be gone. She’d fall completely and irrevocably in love and then he’d leave her. Just like Rhys, he’d destroy her with those four gut-wrenching words, ‘I don’t want you.’ And then he’d piss off into the sunset. He didn’t have a home of his own. Nor a job or any security. Nothing to hold him. She couldn’t go through that pain again. She couldn’t – and she wouldn’t put her children through it either. ‘I need a stable and secure life for my kids and I’m doing that the only way I know how.’

  ‘I’m the father. I have rights.’

  She shouldn’t have told him he was the father. ‘You might have, but you’ll have to find me first.’ And that was the crux of it. She now needed to disappear, which meant Bribie was probably out too. She didn’t know whether to feel disappointed or happy about that one. In fact, looking at the agony on Nate’s face, she didn’t know if she’d ever feel happy again.

  ‘I need to get Milly to bed.’ She pushed the mower back to the gateway a few feet from where Nate was standing. ‘You need to go.’

  ‘Jodie?’ He clutched her arm. ‘Please, Jodie, don’t do this to us.’

  ‘There is no us, Nathaniel.’

  But he still held on to her. His hand burned her arm like hot lava, his touch made her senses go into complete disarray. Her tummy whizzed down to somewhere near her Redback boots. She insanely and desperately wanted him. She could almost feel her body’s energy reach out and grab hold of his …

  But she couldn’t. And she wouldn’t. She gently took his hand and pushed it away. ‘You need to reconcile with Alex, Nathaniel. Put your family back together. Sort yourself out. You can’t do that with me here.’

  For the good of them all, she needed to do what Rhys had done to her: be the one to ride on out this time. To a place where Nate couldn’t find her.

  She turned from Nate. Head held high she made her way inside the little house one step at a time. That was how she was going to take life now. One step at a time.

  Chapter 41

  Nate watched her mount the steps that led into the McCauley’s Hill house. She was like a Mountain Ash. Majestic. Vulnerable.

  A proud unmarried single mother of one, soon to be two.

  He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how he could convince her to let him into her life. The front door closed. A gentle snap and the woman he loved was gone. He stared at the house for a few minutes more, then turned and trudged to his ute. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel in frustration. Fuck it. His mind dodged wildly from one course of action to another. Stay? Go? He could find Stacey and try to force her to tell him where Jodie was heading. But, in reality, was that really going to help his cause? He wasn’t a stalker. She didn’t want him: that much was very obvious. But what the hell did she want? Love? Security? A fucking huge house?

  Was there any way he could change her mind?

  The answer came as he keyed the engine. He couldn’t. Not for the moment anyway. He wheeled out of the drive with an overwhelming sense of desolation. He had to let her go. It went against everything in his body because damn it, she was having his baby …

  He could try and follow her. But what then? Force her to allow him to be involved in the child’s life? She’d end up hating him more than she did now and those feelings would then be sensed by the child.

  And then there was Alex. Jodie seemed to have some crazy idea that he could reconcile with Nate and Clem. Like flaming hell. The old man hadn’t made any attempt to contact them since the aborted wedding. For all he and Clem knew, the old bastard was dead in his bed. But then, he was sure Mue would have told them about that. He managed a wry half laugh to himself. Yes, Mue. The housekeeper-cum-lover. What a fucking mess.

  How that must have hurt his mother. Probably gutted her, though she’d never let on. Mue was convinced his mother never knew but he wasn’t so sure. As a little kid, he once asked why he couldn’t have Clem as a brother. Elizabeth’s laugh had been shrill as she’d replied, ‘Be careful what you wish for, my love.’

  And as for his own father, Seamus Brannigan. Elizabeth and her parents had been staying at a family friend’s property in the Western District of Victoria, Mue had now told him. Seamus was a charismatic Irish shearer his mother had fallen in love with. Her parents thought him a no-hoper with few prospects. So worried were they that their only daughter would run off with the itinerant Irishman, her parents whisked Elizabeth home and quickly married her off to the next-door neighbour, Alex McGregor, to commence a subjugated life. Seven months later a baby arrived, a child fathered by Seamus Bran
nigan. Exactly when Alex McGregor had found out the infant wasn’t his, Nate didn’t know. What he did know, though, was his mother could’ve been better off married to his real father. They might not have had any money but at least they’d have had a chance of being happy. Perhaps he should try to find the man one day.

  But that was for the future because knowing his real history didn’t solve his current problems. He didn’t have a job. A home. Not much was going for him at the moment. He needed to change that. Maybe this was how he could win Jodie back? Put down some roots. Buy a property of his own. Settle in some place. He could then somehow track down Jodie, Milly and the baby, and prove to her he could give her and the kids the security and loyalty she craved. The property wouldn’t be much, his savings wouldn’t run to anything too extravagant, but at least it would be his. And maybe Clem’s. The thought of his oldest mate, whom he’d always longed for as a brother, becoming his brother for a nano-second and then being taken away again would have been laughable if it wasn’t so tragic.

  It took him a good half hour to drive back to Clem’s place, and it was in that time he decided to pack up and head north. He’d leave Warrior with his mate until he found a place, then he could come back and pick up his horse. He was pretty sure Clem wouldn’t mind, especially if he could give Warrior a few runs at a campdraft. He’d give Wal a choice of staying or going, seeing as the old bloke seemed to have taken up with Mue, by all accounts. At least one of them had been successful in the female stakes. Which led him back to Jodie. Beautiful Jodie. The woman he loved, who was going to have his child. He could barely even think about it without breaking down.

  It didn’t take him long to pack up his stuff. His gear bag, a swag, Esky, Rupert, and a few keepsakes that Mue, taking pity on him, had spirited out of Glenevelyn. That morning he’d tried to ask for them himself, to see Alex and make amends, for his mother’s sake if nothing else.

  ‘What’re you doing here?’ had been Alex’s opening line. Well, at least he was still alive. The man he’d always thought was his father then turned and walked away from the imposing front door of the old homestead. Nate took off his hat and followed him into the living room, determined to have his say.

  Alex stood in front of the fireplace, Elizabeth’s portrait staring down over him. He had a glass of whisky in his hand. Nate was surprised, seeing it was only midday. But then he peered closer and realised Alex was already tipsy, if not drunk. And who wouldn’t be, sitting in this big old house all alone?

  ‘I’ve come to say goodbye.’

  ‘Fucking off again, are you?’ the older man scoffed. ‘Typical.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Always running. You bugger up, but then never stand and take it like a man.’

  ‘You call being an arrogant, dominating prick taking it like a man?’

  ‘I’m a McGregor. That’s what we do. We fight to win, to succeed, to be the best.’

  ‘And you think I don’t?’

  Alex gave a half laugh, raised his glass. ‘I’ll let you be the judge of that.’

  ‘I don’t know why I even bothered coming here.’

  ‘I don’t know why either,’ snarled Alex. ‘You’ve ruined everything, again.’

  ‘The first time was when I was born, right? Very sensible to blame me for that, you old fool. Anyway, I know who helped ruined things this time and it wasn’t me.’

  ‘But she’s not going with you, is she?’ Alex looked smug. ‘She’s tossed you out too.’

  ‘I’m leaving of my own free will.’

  ‘Exactly. Run, run, run away like you always do,’ said Alex, stumbling against the coffee table in front of him.

  Nate could see he was really drunk. It was sad, almost pitiful. ‘I came to say thank you for giving me a roof over my head while I was growing up. To thank you for at least standing by my mother, and I guess I was stupid enough to think you’d hear me out.’

  Alex blinked. His chin rose, and his face plumped up like a puffer fish. ‘I loved your mother.’

  And that was the crux of it. Alex had loved Elizabeth, as much as he could love anybody. It was just a shame he couldn’t have loved her son.

  ‘Tell me, when did you find out I wasn’t yours?’

  Alex stared at him with red-rimmed eyes. ‘When you arrived two months early.’

  ‘I could’ve been a prem baby –’

  ‘You were over nine pounds. A screaming, red-faced ball of fat. They had to rip you out of her. The complications destroyed any chance of us having another baby together.’

  And he’d paid for that for his whole life.

  He took in Alex’s belligerent expression and realised there was nothing more to be said. ‘I’ll be going then.’

  ‘I’m leaving Glenevelyn to Clem.’

  Nate put his hat on. Stood proud. ‘And I’m sure Clem will look after it.’ He nodded. ‘Goodbye, Alex.’

  His stepfather seemed not to hear him. Just stood staring, as if he wasn’t sure what to say or do now his ‘big’ announcement hadn’t caused an eruption.

  To be truthful, Nate was relieved he didn’t owe the man anything any more. He turned and walked out the French doors onto the verandah, down the steps to his ute. As he backed his vehicle around and drove out the drive of that magnificent old property, he never once looked back.

  Three weeks later and he was ready to go. He’d spent hours trawling the internet via Clem’s dodgy satellite connection, trying to find properties for sale through western New South Wales and Queensland. He found a few possibilities Clem had agreed with, because Clem still wanted to go shares in a station, even though Nate had told him what Alex had said.

  ‘I don’t want it,’ said Clem. ‘I don’t want anything to do with Alex McGregor.’

  ‘Well, whether you want it or not, you’re getting it.’

  ‘He’s never worried about me or Mum before. Why now?’

  ‘Mue had a job at Glenevelyn, didn’t she?’

  Clem scoffed. ‘Yeah, until she found out Alex expected her to be his mistress right under Elizabeth’s nose. She’d also realised how lovely your mum was and what an arsehole the old fella could be, and so she left. She worked her bum off at that café to provide for both of us.’

  ‘So who paid for your private grammar school fees?’

  ‘Mu–’ Clem stopped. Looked thoughtful.

  ‘Exactly. Mue couldn’t have afforded those, could she? You didn’t get a scholarship like me.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. Still –’

  ‘I reckon Alex paid for it. I think he might’ve paid for a few other things too, like that class trip to the States you took in year ten.’

  Clem was looking surly now. ‘If he did, well so he ought to. He left my mother high and dry.’

  ‘And who paid for her house in town?’

  Clem’s face was blank while he chewed that one over. Finally, ‘Well, I’ll be. She’s never said. And she wouldn’t tell me either. I almost didn’t find out about Alex, except I found a letter Alex had written to Mum. I guessed from that.’

  ‘And would you want to compromise her pride by demanding to know? Now? When it really doesn’t matter any more because it’s all said and done?’

  Clem frowned. ‘Why are you, of all people, sticking up for him …?’

  Nate had asked himself the same question. But the fact remained, even though Alex McGregor was hard and strict, he had provided another man’s child with an upbringing.

  Clem went on, ‘And he ruined your chances with Jodie.’

  Nate wasn’t so sure about that. He’d had time to think about this too, and he could see that he, Nate, hadn’t done a very good job of trying to win Jodie over. She wanted, correction, needed security. That was what she had been looking for in Alex. The only way Nate was going to be able to win her over was to follow through on buying his own place. Get some stability into his life. Then, and only then, would he have something to convince Jodie he was in this for the long haul. That he wouldn’t ride away
like cowboys do, no matter what he’d told her at Riverton. That he wanted her and the children to be in his life forever. It might take a while to find her, but he wouldn’t give up. He’d search for her forever if he had to.

  But for the time being he had to leave. To get himself sorted so hopefully someday Jodie would give him the chance to prove he was worthy of her love and that of her children. He wanted to have the chorus Roo Arcus had sung to him back at Riverton …

  ‘Ain’t no doubt about it, I have been blessed

  With a wife and two children who love me to death.

  I’ll love ’em right back till my dying breath …’

  Chapter 42

  On the hot evening before Nate was due to leave, Clem came pelting up the drive to his cabin. ‘I’ve just come to say goodbye. The fire-spotting tower saw more smoke this afternoon just north-west of here. Another lightning strike from those thunderstorms the other week, I reckon. The northerlies flared it up and it’s got going. Department of Conservation want me up on the fire-line.’

  Nate rolled his eyes. As a part-timer for the Department, Clem often got hauled in for jobs other than dog-trapping, particularly during fire season. ‘Yeah, no worries. I’ll give you a call sometime later in the week. Let you know how I’m going.’

  ‘You do that. Is Wal going with you?’ Clem hadn’t been around much, keeping busy with fire work. The thunderstorm fall-out’d had the Departmental boys running around chasing smokes all week.

  ‘Yeah, I’m picking him up from your mum’s place.’

  Clem nodded. ‘Mum won’t be happy.’

  ‘He’s coming back. Just wanted to keep me company I think.’ Nate smiled. ‘Reckons I can’t be let out on my own. I get into too much strife.’

  ‘He could have something there.’