There's Something About You

by Yashodhara Lal

  The building was fourteen floors high. There had never been any chance of survival. The only reason Trish got close enough to even get a glimpse of the body was because she had made her way right up to Akanksha near the front of the crowd. Akanksha was wailing hysterically, inconsolable. Trish looked around and saw to her shock that Lisa was there too, pale-faced with fright, with a dull-eyed maid holding on to her arm.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Trish shouted at the maid. ‘Take her away from here, for god’s sake!’ The maid started into action and tugged at Lisa’s arm unsuccessfully. The child remained rooted to the spot. Trish went up to Lisa and enveloped her in a hug. Lisa went limp against her. Trish held her by the shoulders and knelt down to face her. ‘Listen. Lisa. You go to my place right now, okay? Ma is at home.’

  Lisa seemed to register this and nodded, still looking frightened. Trish repeated the instruction to the maid, who nodded and managed to lead Lisa away. Trish fervently hoped that Ma would take care of Lisa properly. She hadn’t had much time to tell her anything after the call except that there had been an accident and Akanksha’s father had passed away. Her mother’s jaw had dropped open in shock, but Trish was already halfway out the door before Ma could say anything. Trish had called over her shoulder, ‘Don’t say anything to Ba.’

  She made her way back to Akanksha. The body was now being lifted on to a stretcher, covered in a white sheet which immediately turned red in various places. Akanksha sensed Trish’s presence and clung weakly to her. Trish put her arm around her friend’s trembling shoulders and squeezed tight. As the body was lifted up into the ambulance, Akanksha collapsed sobbing against Trish’s shoulder.

  Trish asked gently, ‘Where’s Vinay? Is he away?’

  Akanksha continued to sob, but another sari-clad lady, whom Trish vaguely recognized as Akanksha’s next-door neighbour, nodded. Trish felt Akanksha’s unceasing tears against her shirt and felt her sense of loss acutely. Akanksha had truly loved her father, and Trish could completely relate to the feeling. She made an effort to steady herself. She stroked Akanksha’s back repeatedly, comfortingly, murmuring platitudes without meaning, words that made no sense, even to herself, even as she said them. ‘It’s okay … it’s going to

  be okay.’

  ‘And where were you at the exact time of the incident?’ the fat, khaki-clad policeman droned.

  ‘She already told you twice,’ Trish snapped, losing her temper. ‘She was heading back from a meeting and had almost reached home when her neighbour called and told her …’

  The policeman who had introduced himself proudly as the investigating officer, gave Trish a long, pained look that silenced her. Akanksha just sat in her chair, staring at the ground, shaking her head. The thin, short policewoman who was clearly the IO’s sidekick had been hovering in the corner of Akanksha’s drawing room. She now stepped forward and said in her reedy voice to Trish, ‘Perhaps, madam, you had better step out if you will keep interrupting like this.’

  ‘I won’t interrupt,’ Trish growled, pressing her lips together. The jerk had been interrogating Akanksha for the last forty-five minutes. He had so far demonstrated all the sensitivity of a bull. Couldn’t he see she was in shock? Trish thought about protesting yet again, but kept mum for fear of being escorted off the premises. She exhaled, keeping her focus on Akanksha’s face.

  Akanksha was white as a ghost, and her mascara was running wild. The rest of her makeup had already been rubbed off her face. She looked vulnerable and unsure, even haggard.

  ‘If necessary, we will be able to confirm the time of meeting with the person you were meeting?’

  Akanksha did not look up from the floor.

  ‘Please can you give us details of your meeting?’

  She responded so softly that Trish had to strain to hear her. ‘Give me that sheet of paper, I’ll write his details down.’

  The policeman hesitated and then tore out a sheet of paper from his notebook and handed it over with a pen. Akanksha scribbled something on it for a few seconds.

  The policeman looked down at what she had written and then coughed. ‘Okay, madam. We will be in touch. Please do not leave the city any time during the course of this investigation.’

  Akanksha nodded mutely. Trish had to bite back a comment about her friend hardly planning a holiday any time soon. She stood up impatiently, waiting for the policeman to get up too. He looked at her disdainfully, as if disapproving of her manners, and hoisted himself up off Akanksha’s expensive white sofa. He walked past Trish towards the door and the lady officer followed him out.

  Trish went over and lowered herself gingerly on to the arm of the sofa where Akanksha was sitting. She put an arm around her and said gently, ‘Hey. You okay?’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘Am glad they’ve gone.’

  Trish called out to Akanksha’s maid, ‘Mohini.’ The maid appeared in the doorway. ‘Can you please make a cup of tea for Akku?’

  When Trish turned back, Akanksha’s face was twisted into a humourless smile. ‘I think those two also expected a cup of tea.’

  ‘I don’t know what they expected, and I don’t think we should care,’ Trish said firmly. ‘You need to just look out for yourself right now, and Lisa.’

  ‘Lisa.’ Akanksha started. ‘Is she okay?’

  ‘She’s fine,’ said Trish. ‘I called Ma. She said she refused to eat anything, but has now fallen asleep.’

  ‘Did she say anything?’ Akanksha looked worried. ‘I don’t even know what she saw, what she’s thinking …’

  ‘I don’t know, Akku. She looked shocked and scared when I saw her. We’ll keep an eye on her, okay?’ She sighed, rubbing her eyes. ‘When will Vinay be back from Delhi?’

  ‘He’s rushing to get the earliest possible flight back tonight,’ Akanksha said. Her lower lip quivered and she burst into tears again, putting her hands over her face. Trish felt helpless as she stroked her friend’s hair wordlessly. ‘Why did I go?’Akanksha groaned, rocking back and forth like a child. ‘Why did I have to go?’

  ‘Hey,’ Trish protested. ‘Listen. You couldn’t have known. It was an accident. He shouldn’t have been up there alone on the terrace, the ledges are too low, no one ever goes there. Why was he even there?’

  ‘But I shouldn’t have gone.’ Akanksha looked up, and the remnants of the mascara were running down her cheek, giving her face a hollowed skeletal look. ‘You were right, Trish. I’ve been screwing around. With Vinay’s friend, his business partner!’ She squeezed her eyes shut and more tears sprang out. ‘I shouldn’t have done it. You warned me, and this is my punishment. Divine retribution in the most horrible way. And my poor dad had to suffer for it!’

  ‘Akku. Akku.’ Trish shook her by her shoulders. ‘Stop it. What are you talking about? There is no such thing as divine retribution. That doesn’t even make sense. Why would your dad have to pay for something you did?’

  ‘It wouldn’t have happened if I’d been home, I know it!’ Akanksha’s voice was full of anguish. She then drew in a deep staggering breath and went on quietly. ‘Vinay will know. They will all know now. I’ve had to give the details of his name and address to the police. It will all come out into the open. Vinay will be shattered. He’s such a good, trusting man.’ She turned towards Trish, and her face crumpled again. ‘Everything is broken, Trish.’

  Trish just reached out and hugged her friend. ‘Akku, what’s done is done. You have to be strong now.’

  ‘I’ll never cheat again. It was so pointless, so low of me. Just thinking about myself. Vinay never deserved this from me.’

  ‘Okay, listen, Akku,’ Trish said, firmly. ‘Let’s just pick one line of thinking and stay with it, okay? So let’s say everyone gets what they deserve eventually. This is a phase, and it will pass. So now, please just be as strong as you can and deal with it. For your own sake and your family’s.’

  Akanksha took a long shuddering breath and tried to steady herself. The maid walked in carrying a tray with two steaming cu
ps of tea on it.

  Trish picked up one cup from the tray and handed it to Akanksha, who just stared at it for a moment. She then looked up at Trish and said, in a dazed manner, with all the wondering innocence of a child, ‘But Trish, if everyone gets what they deserve, what did my dad do to deserve an end like that?’

  Trish had no answer and so she chose to say nothing.

  She indicated with a gentle lift of her chin that Akanksha should drink her tea. Like a zombie, Akanksha finally raised the cup to her lips.

  20

  Music

  ‘Now wait, where was I?’ Trish stared at her computer screen. She had blanked out yet again, right in the middle of reading a letter. They continued to flow in faster than she could manage, and she now had a major problem concentrating, to boot. The words on the screen often just blurred together and made no sense, and she had to shake herself to try and get her focus back.

  She was looking in every day on Akanksha and Lisa, and was still worried about them. It especially bothered her how pale and withdrawn Lisa had become. She was like a shadow of her former self. Trish knew that she had shared a special bond with her grandfather at a time when her mother was neglecting her, and he was gone already from her life. Akanksha herself was a changed person, only showing signs of animation when expressing worry about Lisa, but the little girl wasn’t responding to her attention now. Vinay too seemed very subdued the last couple of times Trish had seen him. She knew Akanksha had talked to him and confessed her secret to him. However, he also looked steady and calm as always, and Trish fervently hoped that things would eventually be all right between him and Akanksha.

  It was even tougher for Trish to write with sarcasm now; she wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it. Her mind was still playing on the strange and sudden death of Akanksha’s father, the speculation about whether it was suicide or just an accident, and the family’s pain and confusion. Lisa appeared to be on the verge of giving up speaking altogether. She seemed to be in a constant daze, staring into space and not responding to questions directed at her. Akanksha had told Trish that Lisa probably felt the void even more than she did. This was the first time she was dealing with the idea of death. Trish urged Akanksha to start some form of counselling for Lisa. Akanksha agreed, resolving that as soon as the twelfth-day ceremony for her father was over, they would get some professional help.

  ‘Until then.’ She had squeezed Trish’s hand. ‘Please, Trish, spend some time with Lisa, try to get her to talk. She’s not saying anything, how she’s feeling, what she thinks. No matter how hard I try to get her to open up. I’ve lost the ability to connect with her.’ Her eyes had filled with tears again. ‘She needs something I can’t give her right now.’

  Trish had promised her that she would try her best. Today, Lisa was to come and spend some time at home. Trish kept glancing at the clock anxiously, expecting the bell to ring any moment.

  She went back to the letters, deciding to just try something out, even if she didn’t feel like it. She felt more and more like a fake and she composed her answers listlessly. She stopped in the middle of writing a sentence. She would have to try and channel her inner bitch, but it didn’t look like she was in touch with her any more.

  I’ll try channeling Nivedita instead, or even better, Zee, she thought. Inspired a little by this, she began writing again, and this carried her through for the next couple of letters, although she still found herself cringing at some parts she wrote.

  She started reading another new letter listlessly. As her mind slowly registered what the words were saying, her blood froze. All other thoughts went out of the window and her heartbeat quickened as she read.

  Dear Amy,

  I don’t know if you’ll read this or whether I’ll still be around if and when you choose to reply. My head is all messed up and I think I’m depressed. I’m twenty-three years old and I’ve known I was homosexual for the last six years. But my parents are old-fashioned and I know it would absolutely break them to know this about me. They’re trying to fix me up for an arranged marriage with a family friend’s daughter. I’ve known the girl for years too and I’m fond of her. I couldn’t possibly ruin her life like this. I’m sick of the lies, of pretending to be someone that I’m not.

  I love my parents dearly, but I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to be the son they want me to be. It’s easier for me to just end it. I’ve thought about suicide a couple of times in the past, but I always chickened out. This time I’m not going to.

  I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write this. There’s nothing you or anyone can do to fix this. I hope you tear into me for all my bullshit. I deserve it. I’m a loser and a coward. It’s better this way.

  Hopeless

  Trish inhaled sharply and then read the letter again. This one definitely deserved a genuine response. And she didn’t care what Nivedita or Zee had to say about it, there was someone’s life at stake. Biting her lip, she began to type.

  ‘Sounds like it’s been a really horrible week for you …’

  Sahil’s voice was soft as he sat next to Trish on the sofa. When the bell had rung, she had thought it would be Lisa, but her heart had lifted when she saw Sahil standing at the door. The conversation hadn’t ended on a good note the last time they met, but she was so glad he was back again. His smile had faded immediately when he saw her face, though, and had been replaced by an expression of concern. He could clearly tell something had happened.

  She had told him the whole story, haltingly. He now looked searchingly at Trish’s face and she felt conscious about the dark circles under her eyes. She felt like she hadn’t slept in days. He went on, ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t around. I wish you’d called. I don’t know why I didn’t …’

  She just shook her head gently to quell him from going down that path. She hadn’t even thought of reaching out for help. Besides, things had been too crazy. She suddenly felt exhausted. She closed her eyes. The nightmares had been waking her up almost every night. The sight of the body lying lifeless on the ground, the grotesquely twisted limbs, the blood – it was all etched into her mind, and the harder she tried not to think about it, the more insistently the image seemed to float back in when she least expected it.

  The incident had also awakened a new sort of fear in her – for Ba. Seeing Akanksha mourning for her father, she realized how scared she was herself about losing Ba. The medication was clearly not working. Maybe it was too late now for the physiotherapy to make any difference. He was impatient with the physiotherapist and complained incessantly about being pushed and feeling too tired. No matter what she did, she couldn’t stop his deterioration. She couldn’t stop time for Ba. Even though she was so much older than Lisa, for her too, it would be the first time she would have to face death so close to home. And death was so … final.

  She opened her eyes and smiled wanly at Sahil. ‘Now that you’re here, I’m kind of hoping you might be able to do something to cheer Lisa up today. I have this feeling I won’t be able to handle it too well myself.’

  ‘Sure,’ said Sahil. ‘She’s seven, right?’

  ‘Yes. She got a guitar recently, it was bought for her by her grandpa.’

  ‘They were really close, huh?’ Sahil’s voice was soft.

  ‘Yes.’ Trish sighed. ‘Lisa was being moody before, constantly fighting with Akanksha. She was much better around her grandpa. Now she’s in absolute shock.’

  Sahil nodded. He reached out and took Trish’s hand. ‘How are you?’

  Trish felt the usual slight jolt of electricity when he touched her but didn’t remove her hand. She hesitated and then asked quietly, ‘Sahil. Do you see something when you touch me?’

  ‘Really want to know?’

  She nodded.

  He thought about it and then said slowly, ‘You’re the only person with whom I never get a clear vision. Just … feelings.’ She frowned. She hoped he wasn’t going to start up about those supposed feelings of hers again. She opened her mouth to wa
rn him, but his face was already breaking into a broad smile, as he finished, ‘And I can’t tell you how fabulous that is for me. Such a relief!’

  She looked at him suspiciously. ‘Okay. If you say so. Just don’t start thinking we’ll be experimenting any further with this … touching thing.’

  He threw his head back and laughed and said. ‘You want to bet?’

  She smiled after what felt like the longest time, her cheeks reddening again. To cover up, she withdrew her hand and said lightly, ‘So. Ba has also been waiting to play chess with you again. When he wakes up, maybe you can say hello to him?’

  ‘You bet.’ Sahil grinned. ‘But no mercy today on the old man.’

  ‘He wouldn’t have it any other way,’ Trish countered loyally.

  ‘I know.’ Sahil laughed. ‘You’re a lot like each other, you two.’

  ‘Two peas in a pod, that’s us. I’m nothing like my mother.’ She made a face as she said it, automatically lowering her voice, remembering the last time she had made this statement within earshot of Ma. After all, she might be hovering nearby, although if she had, she would have probably come in to see Sahil by now.

  Sahil gave her a long look but wisely refrained from saying anything. Trish ran her hand through her curly thick hair, pulling at it in an attempt to get some relief from the throbbing headache that was just starting up. Sahil asked, ‘And how’s the letter-answering business going?’

  ‘Sucks,’ she replied. She hesitated and then figured there was no harm telling him. Especially since he was the only person who knew about the column. ‘Actually, today I got something that read a lot like … a suicide note.’

  Sahil let out a low whistle. ‘Heavy. I’ve never understood people who can contemplate suicide.’

  He looked at her innocently but the twinkle in his eye gave him away. She stopped glaring at him. ‘Yes. It’s “heavy”. Actually, it’s a huge burden. I have no idea if it’s just someone trying to get attention, but I can hardly take a chance with something like that, you know?’