Ballerina

by Jimmy Esmaeili

  There was no point in trying to find out who did it! I already knew”. “You mean, they have just closed the case and walked away the investigation? Relying on what you’re saying; murdering or dying by heart attack! Suddenly, I pushed her off with a very shacking way. I stared at her eyes and then I said: “You don’t believe me? Don’t you? You think I’m just making up all this because of hating my father? He killed her. He poisoned her by a bottle of wine, just like what I have in my hand. Let me give you a hint.

  You remember that day, I and you, we were driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the river you managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off of the cliff. We went out of the car, shaken by our narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

  What could be behind all of that sudden? That wasn’t an accident, just an attempt murdering to rip us, both of us off. This morning, when you were visiting your mother, I was at home, in my room and I heard some noisy voices. I saw all. A naked woman flirting with my father and…” (My father called Sandra to get to bed).

  She looked at me in a suspicious way and then left me there, went to her bed. When a girl doesn’t have her real mother in her daily life, she really misses something. Part of that girl psyche is created by what her step-mother reflect back to her. A girl needs to know that woman loves her, values her, will protect her and will be dependable for her!

  It takes years for this influence to sink in and develop inside a girl. And this can’t happen if her real mother not there much. She said we will finish the discussion tomorrow”. I still stood there and waited anxiously to talk more about it, but she smiled away my anger and with a strike an attitude took her way to her bedroom. I could presumably, imagine that she didn’t believe any of my words. I was sure, I should take a little detour on my way back to whom I would ever been. Be a kid, teenage with a made-up dream on. Talking up all night, worry for nothing. That was what she saw in my face.

  She thought I’m dreaming by picking up some hallucination to my father. Well, sing me a lullaby or something. How can I sleep by all those pains into my mind?

  To see the smile of people who are suffering is more painful than to see their tears.

  Does he drug the family with kind of hallucinogens!? I went to my bed and trying to get some sleep. I had a pretty bad dream. I was in a mild state of shock from all the pain and exhaustion I was going through. The fake I was eating away at the real me and the real me was screaming out from somewhere deep inside. It was surreal. I was feeling being attacked by a horde of weird, human-like monsters. It might be a form of persecution complex, probably triggered by extreme stress. The external stimulus of that place was hacked it to that night at cemetery with my father. How I was trying to slip out from his pillow talk!

  Suddenly, I saw my father, he was shaped like a giant tank and he was walking around on two legs. He was going on a rampage and stomping on people and houses and stuff and he was carrying the nastiest missile I ever saw. Whenever, he lunched one of his missiles, whatever his hits-people, trees, buildings-turns into shit. Everything in his path turned into shit.

  He was sack of shit in a big hole and I could see he barely missed falling into it. He was halfway drowned at the bottom of there. Good thing it was just a dream. When I woke up………

  It’s gone five years of my life. However, how hard was it, it’s gone. Once the moments gone, is gone. I couldn’t think so much as remember, that night, when my father standing on my half-opened room, blind drunk.

  I could see how he indulged himself in drinking. He was standing frozen on my door. I was panic and awkwardly situated. He was looking sensuality at me. I have always had a difficult relationship with my dad although I can’t really think why! Probably being as a child to curious about his faithless to his wife which means my mother! That made him still harsher after times. I remember being punished a lot as a child quiet harshly for minor things and learned to fear my father from a very young age.

  Besides, I was not a perfect child I often got in to mischief as a little girl but once I got the message that he was not to be messed with I watched my every step. That was a delicate matter of my life. He took a cigar out of his pocket and with a smile away someone’s anger gave his hair a smooth and then with strike an attitude came towards me. The fume was following my smoky night. I was staring at him without knowing what was he planning to do? He just walked up right in my room, throwing things around in a mad rage, kicking up my stuffs furiously!.

  I was lying in my bed and thrilled, shocked with tears and suddenly burst into tears. It wasn’t inconsistent of him to rape me however. I was all wrapped up into my blanket. I had no choice of winning in that battle situation. I wished I had some stealth camouflage to conceal myself from him. As they said: “The fear is worse than death”.

  It seemed, he was up in flames and weighed down with grief behalf of his whimsy desired. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and stopped him to hurt me. So, I jumped off of the bed and tried to berating him to stop what he was intended to do and took his arm and tried to lead him into the living room. I sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then I went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, he said: “I was going up against some of the most dangerous and criminal mobs and infiltrate the research facility. I know I’ll be being held by them, but I am sure once I reach them the circumstances will be different since I was started. (Then he looked at me), it’s pretty late and you have better go to your bed and get some sleep.

  This matter already providing me with all the bare essentials that I need to survive in their battle. It is exactly like a knife, when the grip is hollowed out, there’s not as much space to stabilize the blade. That’s it. They have me on the blade, sharp to cut.

  Once I got blown pretty far off their Target, but how far…… I’m sorry. I think I’m getting crazy. I want you forgive me”. I wasn’t quite understood what he was talking about. He was saying his priorities are the rescue! As far I know, he is an expert lawyer and how he could afford to put himself into that very dangerous game? I believe he is encountering the flames of his most auspicious thoughts that he was doing in his entire life. He was so bereft of hope to what he did and then started to cry that I could hear all way to my room.

  That might be from his disgraceful behavior and I could understand that. He was screaming and crying. There are some facts most sane people are unaware of: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. However, I was myself impressed in a jiffy that I got out of that situation earlier.

  (A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second).

  I don’t like people who think on their feet instead of using their brain. It got a little silence.

  I assumed my father went to his bedroom and I looked at the clock on the wall. It showed 3/30 AM. I turned off the light and lying with my clothes on. But, before I get to sleep suddenly, a thought occurred to me, to check the situation. I went off to double-check my father.

  When all of the sudden, I saw him lying on the bed and bleeding. Why on earth should I moan long for to see him dying? Was it worth it just to see him, lying down and bleeding? It was a hard night and I should be sleeping like a log, instead, sitting on a rug, and biding my time to see him dead, and then crawl off his body in the bath-tub!. Who knows, every now and then I could feel secure. Those thoughts were hammering into my head. I felt, he is like the ice slowly melting and it would seem like years since I’ve been waiting for this moment.

  There was nothing to be real, and nothing to get hang about. It didn’t matter much to Me any longer. Was he really cheating on some organization that he thought he was smarter than them and sneaks away with their money? He said; he was going against some of the most dangerous and criminal mobs and infiltrate to research the f
acilities. Why the person in charge of contributions called him to persuade himself to contribute why he denied that? He had lot of money. He doesn’t even need that money!

  Why he did it? I believe he ran out tonight of bleeding just before he freaked out. Run away from them, and called them THE MOB. That should turn things up a bit. It was in terms of sheer bribe, he wouldn’t able to stand them. He should know that all too well. He probably, not wanted it known that his career will be persuaded!

  YOU DON’T SLEEP NAKED

  UNDER THE OPEN WINDOW,

  WHEN OUTSIDE IS SNOWING;

  YOU KNOW YOU’LL CATCH COLD

  He should let his behavior conquer his desired than to leave himself bleeds in the blood! That was really an intricate situation anyhow. Ok, now, what do you want me to do? Call 911 and get him to the hospital, or leave him here to get rotten and bleeding to die? Please try to help me to get it over with. So, what the deal!????????????

  It should just happened any color catches your eyes red, it seems to be blood, like when you sneeze, everybody think you caught cold. Now, check it out. It wasn’t any blood of him to bleed; just a little catch-up followed by his burger covered the floor and the bed. We got to face the fact; he was drunk and definitely got hungry and splashed all the catch-up over everywhere. Is it worth it to scarify his dignity to a braggart who often bragging to the congregation about his unfaithful? He really scared the shit out of me. I knew, during he had been checking me out since I was laid in my bed, but lacks the never to talk with me about all whatever he has done.

  I woke up of moaning and screaming sound. That was sure my step-mother Sandra who was yelling and screaming. I jumped off of the bed and sure enough, might something happen to my father. I was really struck with terror and terrified by that sound.

  When I stepped into my father’s bedroom, I saw Sandra was crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. She turned her face to me. She was crying hard, and then she pointed her finger at him; “I found him dead on the bed”.

  JENNIFER: “how would you possibly saying he’s dead?”

  SANDRA: “Look at him. He is so frozen and he doesn’t even move”.

  JENNIFER: “Well, I stayed up all the night, and as far I remember he came home late and pretty drunk. Then he staggered up to my bedroom with an F-belch, and then started to grumbling and crushing, kicking the stuffs and hopped off and plunged into the ground, for no reason. For your information, he also stumbled in the side of my bed and kind of psyches wobbled up to my bed and hollered for revenge. So, what is your problem now? Do you think he’s dead? No, he’s not dead. He is just passed out, he’s not passed away”. SANDRA: “Look by yourself, he’s not even move. How dare you say he is just passed out?” JENNIFER: “So, he is probably swooned? Is it big deal about it? If you saw him last night, then you could figure out how he looked like! Sandra come on, give me your break. What’s wrong with you? You didn’t even ask me what the heck happened last night. I’m quite sure you couldn’t even tolerate the difficulties that I’ve gone through the night with him! Because I know you!

  Believe me you weren’t aware to accept the way he was swearing at me! Sandra lifted her hand to her lips and glanced at him. I believe his personality is worse as much his dignity, and none of them exist in the real world. How dare he should come home, drunk, grumbling, crushing, and kicking the stuffs with his F-shoes! He fearfully threatened me with death, and then starting rambling and roaming footsteps on the floor and cursing. I’m afraid to tell you, he was even going to rape me too. Is it really hard for you to take my stand on my words? You don’t believe me, do you? Come to my room and see by your own eyes how he threw things around in a mad rage. Well, instead of standing there like a ghost, why you don’t wake him up?

  Then he could maybe explain you whatever it comes out of his mouth?” Then she walked towards him. She was shaking him and then tried to turn him over but suddenly, him with a shocked hiccup turned his face to us a bit. We were flabbergasting standing there and staring at him just like the zombies who look for a prey to rip off. Then he cast a glance into the room. The chairs in rolled gold color, the decoration, the white wall with some pictures on it. He tried to be calm, but in all of sudden, looked at the clock on the wall and quickly ran to the bathroom. He looked very skeptical to the situation as he saw Sandra in the room. Sandra staring at me with her scary wide eyes, and then she said:

  “What the hell is really going on here?

  What’s matter with your father? Is he really getting crazy?”

  I just began to laugh. I didn’t know why?

  Sandra started to grasp for breath:

  “What is so funny? What are you laughing at? I cannot believe how wonder we ended up in this deep shit situation and you are laughing! How long it’s going on? I’m really getting worry about him”.

  My father came back to the room. He was standing there and looking suspicious at me. Sandra busted into tears and with crying sound said to my father: “Can you tell me for god’s sake, what the hell is wrong with you?” Sandra as matter fact something funny about her, is that she does have a very loud cry but her laugh is even louder! I was about to leave them and get back to my room, then suddenly, my father ran up to me and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the window. He looked very pissed.

  We were standing by the window and I believed he was trying to show me something, but all of sudden, he hopped down from the window and plunged into the ground. It might look like a lot shocking to me. We (I and Sandra) were looking weird at each other. It seemed he was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. That was treatment of fear. Sandra walked over towards the window, looked down Shockley onto the street. Following the situation, I heard the sirens and ambulance. There was nobody wouldn’t want to identify the corps to the FBI agents, only they began to queue up in that really line for the check out the body. As matter fact, considering to all of this, it all happened in an instant. At the police station, we were been questioning for some hours by Feds. However, they suspected me in the first place behalf of my hate to my father and that made me pretty bad consciousness about it. I said; never in my wildest dreams did I expect to see my father become incontinent. As hard as it was for me, I admired even more his dignity in dealing with it. I was never sure what caused the incontinence to begin. I even explained them all about that height a political donation that he had stolen the money from the community. How can I say, he might be under a capital punishment and he knew perhaps he couldn’t run away from them! I could understand his anger. They targeted him and roughing him up, he got frustrated and ……He was walking on the paths of emptiness in the last years of his entire life. He didn’t have any past and neither future. Sandra, off course was backing me up through the investigation. So, after a little while they let us go. We were fumbling away to get rid of them and hurried to get home.

  We were at home and talking. It was kind of time to pay back for what he did to me. I said: “Sandra, as I know he was called to serve for jury duty about a donation which has been stolen from the town’s most successful lawyer who means my father. A local volunteer called to solicit the donation, they said; their research shows that even though he took the money which the amount was over a million dollars, but it seemed he (My father) didn’t give one penny to charity. I believe he asked to be excused because he didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t wanted his personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running of those certainly mobs organization. But for me personally, whatever he said was all bullshit. I was like fuck that nonsense I didn’t believe any word of him for a minute. That was definitely pathetic to hear what he was babbling for me. I wonder why he should put up some mumbo jumbo babble bullshit excuses to hop down from the window! But I am more disturbed by how we get reach to that money! I am quite sure, that money belongs to this family, not to anyone else. Don’t you think so?” SANDRA: “What are you trying to say? Don’t you see, your fathe
r is gone and you think about the money? Please, put yourself together and think a little positive to the situation. He was trying to convince himself guilty and accused to kill self, and you are standing there and talking about money? I know he was an alcoholic, lazy and bigoted. But as you know, he never turned his back to the family. I know he never had a nice word to use for his benefits, but still, he was your father”. “Dear Sandra, I don’t know how can I say, but figure how he became a huge disappointed to the society about his life, his cheat on his wife which means my mother, and even manipulated people and talked about them behind their backs. Do you think a hot shot lawyer like him, when he hadn’t the brains to realize he never wanted amount to anything more than a two-bit pusher?! He tried often to prevent me to call you MOMMY, and that’s, why he was envy to hear that word. Let’s get face to the fact, all he was doing, drinking like a fish, divorced three times and everybody knew that his law practice was one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Taking into consideration, it was the height of a political corruption and I am sure he was been persecuted and he accepted that so much money to compromise that case. If that was the truth about what he said so, there must be money somewhere somehow! After all, he finally wound down from his ranting and raving and along acquitted and released himself from that so much aghast and agitated life. He was an agnostic and never broke into tears in his entire life. He had an inoperable brain tumor”. Sandra furrows her brow and exclaimed. A big grin broke out on her face. I pulled a long face and while I was chocked with tears I said: “Let him stew in his own grave. Although, you know how much he was somewhat of liar. Just come to think of it, after going on this vein for a small time, it should be a granted wish that I had requested the lord in whole of my life. Let me know something; was there anything for which your heart yearns? Could you really afford his fucking attitude to an ethical behavior?” Sandra burst into tears and then she said out loud: “I could realize his behavior has left much to be desired! Well, after all, I am certainly shocked to see a successful and well-known lawyer like himself, how turned his life to a miserable ending like this? It has derogated his dignity. By the way, what he was wanted to show you when he dragged you to the window?” Jennifer: “As matter fact, I felt like hearing that myself either. I heard some words before he hopped down from the window. Something he spoke below his breath. I couldn’t really catch it but anyway, I believe he tried to point down by the window to a woman who was standing there with a kid. I’ve just squinted to that woman and that what he said: she killed your,,, and……I am not quite sure what he was saying about some killing!? She killed?!”