Ballerina

by Jimmy Esmaeili

  Everything in life is a game when you truly look at it. When you love someone and he loves you too, it doesn’t matter who wins. There will always be a time when you have to place all your chips on the table and hope for the best, without big risks don’t come big rewards. Well, guessing to have a partner like Ray, and assumed to figure, he could kill her, is kind of to be told:

  IT MIGHT BE WORTH IT TO

  LEAVE YOUR CHIPS ON THE

  TABLE AND WALK AWAY.

  I’m tired of trying to cope. There are people out there with real problems and I shouldn’t just sit here wallowing but nothing motivates me. Things weigh on my mind. I don’t want to just deal with or manage the pain, struggles and difficulties of life. I want it all too just go away. Do I really have a reason to be like this! As matter fact, what I’m doing here? What were so important things he brought me here for? Sniffing coke? Watching her disgusting show-time? Listening to her bullshitting pointless words: it is part of the game! You got to use to that! My phone is ringing. Sandra was worried. She wants to know what I’m doing. Go deal with meth and coke dealers and you take your life into your hands. What I’m doing (I just said it with a little funny smile on my lips), yap, sniffing coke, having fun with this MR big shot drug-dealer! I’m very ashamed to admit, it’s not so much the fact that I’m putting my own life in danger, it’s the fact I risk other’s safety as well. I felt I was heartbroken and devastated. I said to her; please get me home, I can’t afford it longer. It’s too hard for me. Ray was anxious to know who I was talking to on the phone. Ignored to answering him, made me a big time terrible mistake. Walking towards me with an angry face: “I said, who you were talking to, you bitch”? Tina jumped off of her seat and grabbed his arm. I was struggling to stay positive and strong. Taking to the considerations, I have a lack in keeping my feelings against the violence. But don’t jump to conclusion; probably you think I am too spoiled, in meantime, if someone gets on my nerves and makes me anger to conquer me, I could get really pissed by losing my temper, then I can damage and harm that person awfully! Tina with a very professional style took her lips into his and squeezed them down to the bones. You know drugs and hormones? Combination; equals=sex. I ran to the bathroom and stayed there. Then Sandra sent me a massage that she is on the way to pick me up to get me home. I was still kind of dizzy, washed my face with the cold water. Something that fucks with my mind is staring at me in the mirror, directly in the eyes. I feel I’m really fried on this fucking potent drug. If Sandra sees me in this vanity and imperfection situation, I believe she buries me alive and then put my body into a ditch until I rot. I recently completed a 10 month college program for medical laboratory technicians. Our class was small group of approximately 18 people, depending on when you take a headcount. One of my classmates Ashley, that I always was suspected to her behavior, and in the meantime, she was a good friend, with a soft pretty face and symmetrical features. She had lightly curly auburn hair that she probably straightened every day. After she injured the tendons in her hand, she had to stop school until she recovered enough to draw blood from people again. She was happy to be back in school. With a bright smile and girlish abandon, she laughed at everyone’s jokes and won the friendship of half of the class. Within days, she was spending every lunch break with other girls her age. Her phlebotomy skills were better than mine, even though she was recovering from an injury. She seemed to fall into a place that had been empty and waiting for her. Everyone loved her and I wished I could too, but something didn’t seem right. She made offhand comments about “smart people” and she laughed too much. She emitted a strange energy that warned me to stay away, so I did, and I suspect that she resented me for it. Later on I heard she became suicide praise for those lunatic drug-dealers. I still remember her lightly curly auburn hair glistened from the high cast through the window, and it was so beautiful, so magnificent and so perfect. I felt a long going urge to reach across my desk and pull my fingers through it, to be able to experience the softness, to smell the fragrance of her favorite perfume. I tried to impress her and keep coming up with all the new ideas to get her out of those crap thoughts to join with that drug- Dealer. And none of them worked, but tapped pieces of an old torn paper that you collected-without knowing why-from the garbage and kept in your drawers for years-not welling to throw away each time you clean-is what makes tears run down my cheeks! Harry was another friend of mine from Texas. He was tall and thin. We spent plenty times to know each other and intensify our relation with. After a while, it turned out that we were not meant to be together. He cheered up by some of his wrong friends and then they have been killed in a bank robbery. They were heroin addicts dreaming of making money to get what they needed. Anyways, when Sandra pulled over by the house, the first thing her attention was my eyes!

  She just stuffed a roll leaking pickle into her mouth: “Probably you needed that experience! Drug-experience! What have you got to run away from? Are you really happy with what you do? Now go in the car and let’s discuss it when we get back to the house”. I was just trying to prevent of this frightened situation and plucking up a little courage and hold myself on my seat in the car, just not to cry to what I’ve done! There was a pause while she pulled another roll in half: “Why you did it? I’m not going bitching at you whole of the night, but something I am considered about; is your health. Remember, you are a big star. You are ballerina, sweet, cute ballerina”. I was just leaning on my seat and exactly like the children kept my mouth shut. Persuaded by the attention she was receiving and the need, only for a short time, to feel pity and grief all for me! I wish an ominous foreshadowing of evil occupies his damned house. When she reached for the doorknob, her hand moistens with sweat as she gave it a twist. Her dark brown eyes flashed a look of surprise when the lock realized freely. She turned her face and glanced over at me and shrugged her shoulders. The air between us remained silent. She mentioned with her hand for me to push the door open. I reached out, touched the edge of the door, and gave it a shove. The hinges ached with an unnerving squeal as the door opened just enough to allow access. I peeked inside, scanning as much of the area that visible to me, seemed like this was my first time to this house. Sure enough my mind was so flew off! It blasted me into outer space. I felt my life becoming kind of pure invention to fictionalized imaginations, like the fictitious dreams stirred and hallucinated by that stuff (Cocaine)! Sandra was amazed and surprised because, it won’t occur at her to see me in that situation how terribly I was stirring at her! She bent down close: “I understand. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be with you all to the end. I never let you down”. She whispered. My eyes were full of tears running through my chin; she took me in her arms. Suddenly I started to cry loudly as a child in cradle! I went straight to the bathroom and put some water into the bath-tub with soap and sit in there and thinking. I always loved to sit in there and run the shower. It reminds me back when I was just a little girl, and feeling in the middle of a rain shower and poor my mother all the time should come and turn the shower off. Well, this happened here, as I was thinking about my mother and shower, Sandra in order to turn off the shower, mumbling through the door much unexpected, entered inside. I just felt sensation of impending danger crawl across my skin like millions of small mites, then soar through my brain. Working to make something that actually looks good in second life is pulling teeth. One most constantly deal with space constraints, monthly tier fees, prim limits and the clunky tools themselves.

  They said, if you have a loose tooth, either you must pull it “OR”.

  No, there is it not “OR”, just pull it.

  Should I really need to react to whatever she reflexes? Thinking kind of a stone stuck in my shoe! I wrapped a towel round my body and with easy steps entered to my room. Sandra came after me and sat on my bed. She tried to shake off the foreboding feeling, but the look in her hazel eyes displayed its refusal to go away. Then she went by the window and began acting like a detective and started to talk: “Sunligh
t rushed in through a broken window exposing a heavy sound of dust floating about and warming the already hot, humid building. Cautiously, I made my way through the decaying interior, stepping around debris, being careful not to make any noise that would draw attention to Ray just in case he was actually hiding in the old building like the anonymous caller had claimed. I already figured he should hide there. Do you remember that day in the grave-yard? Amy how she gathered her remaining strength and with decisive decision lifted her breasts and leaned them on priest’s chest? Do you think she was pretending in grief to your father’s death? No. As matter fact she was putting that diamond-ring into priest’s clerical clothing. But later on, Amy should kill that poor priest to get the ring back. She was afraid to have not any alibi. Ray wasn’t there for funeral either. He was waiting to a right moment and certainly to kill Amy to get that ring. That was all just a conspiracy. I knew he does anything to get that diamond with all it cost! That day in that old building, I was going to meet Amy, but she called me and told me that Ray is around there and I should be very careful. I sat in the corner of the building. I was looking paranoid around myself. Any sound could give me a heart-attack. After some minutes Amy showed up. As I saw her by building, grabbed her skirt to the corner where I was sitting. She used to carry a gun, a caliber 9 mm. Our hearts accelerated as we retreated to the side of the door. “Do you think is anybody in there”, she asked me? “I don’t know, but we’re going to find out”. I said to her. I took a deep breath and reached out her hand. She raised her gun. And then she grabbed the knob. I prepared for the conflict. The knob turned. I pushed the door opened. A rat the size of a large house cat raced in front of us, out of the room, then down the hall. Amy let out a sigh of relief; girl, “you see the size of that thing”? Then we heard a shuffling noise came from overhead. This time Amy panic shut twice to that direction. I could feel the breeze from the bullet as it wheezed by my head and slammed into the ceiling, and then my ears started to buzz so terrible. It was just a giant rat fell right by our feet from there. After all, we returned to the foyer where the stairs were located. She scrunched up her mouth and shook her head negatively, to quiet indicate to her she could see no one inside. I was just speculating to all about be going on here! Sure enough, she had her reason to be panic to push the trigger with two shots in the same time! I was so lost and thinking to her next move! As I let out a sigh of relief to know there is nothing to be worry about longer suddenly, we heard the sound of footstep running down the upstairs hall. Then, we seemed to evaporate. Prepared for the unexpected, we hugged the wall with our backs and slowly made our way up the stairs. As we got close enough to get a clear view, she moved to the center of the step, her pistol poised, finger on the trigger. She gave a sign to me, to not move and stay put. Anyways, when everything settled down and nothing to get in the way, we both sat on the stairs and looking weird to each other. I was going to laugh and she was looking at my wet pants! “Fuck. I really peed in my pants”?! I was smiling and saying that. She crinkled her nose and puckered her scarred upper lip. She spoke softly: “Girl, this is disgusting”. I was so embarrassed and kind of defense to my situation I said: “I know. Try not to breath too heavily though” She covered her nose with her hand and trying to not pissed me off with that her lousy look! In the silent moments we were just looking at each other. I was feeling still the screeching of those shots into my ears. She stood on her feet, and checked the location for the last time. Then she came to me and took my hand, dragged me onto my feet. We always blame the teenagers that they found their lives ruined, even cut short, when they become involved in the world of drugs! Can you imagine, I was been stuck in some coincidence of their game! I really wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing there! I wondered what the reason she called me to meet her there either! She opened her purse and looked into it. Then she took that diamond-ring out of her purse and with a skeptical look handed to me: “Sandra. I say start small so you can build the confidence and strength to do, and that is to keep a promise. I am starting to get tired and run away with this precious thing that usually reviews those nasty errors that damaged my credibility and my dignity. I have a baby daughter to look after, but how can I do that? I am surrounded by drugs. Guess who could be her father! Yes, you are right, Ray, who has destroyed my life down to this malicious stuff! I was worn down by an abusive man I turned to heroin to escape a life I thought I had no future. At first I hated it, the lack of control and the fact I couldn’t keep my eyes open, but the escape from reality proved addictive. The thing that appealed to me was I was escaping my reality which was controlling and Abusive! I stuck with him for the sake of our daughter, because I had no self-esteem. When smoking heroine no longer provided the necessary fix, I began injecting. At first daily, then a few times a day. My mother took her under her responsibility to take care of her. God knows how many kids he broke their hearts because of his emptiness’ no heart feeling! You know to be a nark-addicted; you got to live with an odor of mildew mixed with smell urine filling your nostrils and you feel the air always is musty to your eyes! Sometimes those wounds won’t heal and the pain of those damages getting to ruin my brain. Things are too hard to cry for, so I would smile to cover my frown! I want you promise me not to let Ray to steal it from you. David told me to keep this ring too close to my heart and not to lose it. He said also; this is a very valuable thing after many generations passed to him. I want this secret knock to be only between us! She said; “here”, and then she handed over that diamond-ring. “Please don’t ever turn your face off of it. I know I can trust you and leave this precious to you, so make me proud and keep your eyes on it”. Jennifer: “why exactly you? Why you should to do that? She could sell it and probably put that money to use buying her drugs”! Sandra: “ok. Now go and put some clothes on and then I’ll explain you why!