Ballerina

by Jimmy Esmaeili

  Yes, it is common practice if they are trying to deal with multiple suspects and they are concerned. But when you are handcuffed you are under police control and Miranda (Miranda warning or Miranda rights. Is a warning given by police to criminal suspects in police custody! Or in a custodial interrogation! Requirements come into play if you are questioned.

  She said;

  I was born in a

  Wagon of travelling show

  I was dancing, living

  By the money

  They would throw

  Sometimes,

  I would creeping

  Picking up the money

  Looking at their faces

  Feeling difference races

  I am only a Gypsy

  My name is Biopsy

  I’m travelling with my kinds

  From a Penny up to a Dime

  The one thing about Gypsies

  That they would admire

  They can curse the people

  But they are the vampires

  They can get to steal

  But they never get to kill

  They may read your palm

  Sometimes you get qualm

  Try to get used to it

  This is not their fault

  She said;

  I’m only a Gypsy

  She said;

  My name is Biopsy

  I’m travelling with my kinds

  From a Penny to a Dime

  After some weeks I received a phone call from hospital. The doctor told me in a voice of disappointing: “After much pleading, she was admitted to the operating room. She survived two operations, but was left in a coma. During the surgery on her back for spinal fusion, when I closed up I found a bullet behind the fusion. I had to open her back up to retrieve the bullet. During this time she lost a lot of blood (Words of the anesthesiologist) and suffered a mild heart attack. Well, within the first couple days she started wheezing and had difficulty breathing. So, I tried to massaging her lightly when she wheeze and breathes very hard. After all, her chest enlarges a lot when she had these attacks”. She had been on the respirator for a week and her condition deteriorated over the next 5 days on the ventilator. The doctor said that I had to let her rest, and that her coming out of the coma will be a miracle. The whole thing has been pretty scary. I was afraid Sandra was going to die. So this has been a really a frightening time. I think I have to be brave-and courageous. I know that when people think of courage, they think of people like firefighters and all. The doctor also said: “We’ll do our best, but remember she is not brain dead and that she has brain waves”. When I left the hospital that day, I truly felt like it would be the last time I would ever see Sandra. I wasn’t sure how she could get better when even the doctor wasn’t sure either! He meant, she can come in and out of coma with less than ten hours apart, and also there are different levels of consciousness, and people who are emerging from a coma can and do slide from one level up and back again frequently as they progress towards recovery. Sandra survived the shooting but spent 6 weeks in coma. Fortunately after all those weeks in coma, she began to get better. They said; she should be a coma survivor after all examines we had done on her situation. They said she has completely recovered. She has recovered her personality, her memories, her self-image, an ability to hold a self-image, her brain power and functionality and more. They also said; people in coma sometimes show signs that they are able to hear and understand. Often these signs are just simple reflexes—like squeezing a hand, or sucking, in response to a touch. Occasionally people in coma seem to become calm when they hear a familiar voice. Since they almost never remember these events, it is impossible to decide if they actually recognize a voice or understood what was said. However, as a rule, it is good to talk to people in coma as though they could hear and understand what was being said. In western medicine coma is understood as a state like sleep, in which the individuals are completely reusable, and unresponsive to external stimulation and to their own inner needs. The fact is that, our relationship with mother is birthed simultaneously with our entry into the world. We take our first breath of life, and display the initial dependent, human longing for protection and love in her presence. We are as one in the womb and on the birthing table. This woman, Sandra… All that she is and is not… Has given me life! She has given me many good advises when she told me, I am a great person, be yourself and people will like you for who you are. You got to know yourself much better than what others recognizing you! I remember we were talking about manipulators which you meet them during in your entire life; they are well aware of our insecurities, weakness and excitements. They know exactly how to provoke these issues to get their work done. One key to dealing with manipulators is that they know exactly what your buttons are, and how hard and how long they need to push them to get what they want. So being on guard that you’re not being naive, over conscientious or over intellectual about issues because manipulators can and will use that against you. Some people are vulnerable and always try to please people so that they can be accepted. Manipulators well know that these people need acceptance and attention and they take advantage of this trait. She said; do what you want to do; not with doing what others want you to do. It was in the evening and I was waiting in this room to visit Sandra. I was feeling rushed and harried. Stress levels high, my face wore permanent frown, my mind was in a million different places. Then I went towards the window and fixed my eyes upon the sky. I took a cigarette off of my pocket, lighted it up. As I took a strong drag of it, the nurse opened the door and with an angry voice warned me to not to smoke in here. I opened the window and threw it out. She just looked at me with a slight smile kind of warning said; “You cannot change things that already have happened, and obsessing over them does nothing to help you now. You cannot predict the future, so worrying about it does nothing to help you either. She pointed finger at me and said; you should know, you can’t smoke in here”. Then she slammed the door behind. After an hour the nurse told me that I could visit her. I saw her lying there but I tried not to cry. I wanted to be brave. I talked to her quietly and then I held her hands and kissed her forehead. I told her I love her and wanted her to come home. I asked God to make her better. I begged Him and begged Him and begged Him. As I got out of the hospital, I sat in my car and cried like yeah. HUHUHUHU. No words, no words. Pure and simple but really moving! “Wipe tears in my eyes”. Then at two o’clock in the morning the phone rang, so I knew that couldn’t be good. I hurried out of bed and ran to the living-room to hear what was being said. It was the hospital. My mother’s blood sugar had stabilized and she was responding well to the medication the doctors were trying to give her. She wasn’t awake yet, but she was slowly improving. Mom needed lots and lots rest. I was so thankful she was alive. The next morning, every time the phone rang my heart stopped. I eavesdropped on every phone call, to see if someone was calling about my mom. I asked God to help my mother. I was warned that even should she come out of the coma, there was no guarantee she should be “Normal” again. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be able to see her returned to home, and have life returned to normal. Another day, the phone rang again. It was the hospital, once again giving an update on my mother’s condition. They said her condition has not changed. The next day, the hospital called again. This time the person on the phone with a very pleasure sound saying: “hallelujah” your mother has come out of the coma. I was so anxious for the day to be over so I could go visit mom. At the hospital, the doctors told me that my mother could talk, but only a little. She still had lots of tubes down her throat, so that made her talking difficult, but she could squeeze my hand to let me know that she heard me. I was so relieved to be able to tell her I loved her and to know she actually heard me. When I patted her hand and kissed her forehead, a tear tickled down her cheek. I could tell she wanted to say something but couldn’t. It didn’t matter. Her tears said it all. She
squeezed my hand and then drifted back to sleep. Days later she began to speak and move, she eventually returned home, defying the long odds against her. She said I made my decision I’m going to move forward at all costs. Then she stared at me, took my hand and started talking to me. She would talk to me for hours and never let go. I could feel her warm touch and it made my heart smile deep inside, something I still had a control of. She had many thoughts and emotions but didn’t have the power over her body to express them. So, she lay there very aware of her surroundings when awake and then drifting off to sleep. She said the dreams were crazy and she wasn’t sure she could ever really recall them for they only made sense in the moment. When she came home I was the only one to care for her. I helped her through a lot of emotional turmoil and tried to give her all the support she needed. Well, she was able to walk and move her arms, but when she does she really needs to rest and sometimes sleeps for hours afterward. I was about to tell her a million things, but whenever I started talking, she just closes her eyes and drifting back to sleep. I wanted tell her about Tina and how terribly she would kill herself! I felt I was so proud to be as a housewife and take care of Sandra and clean up the house. I stopped washing dishes, forgetting to shut off the water when I heard the home phone rang. I dried of my hands on a towel, still leaving the water running, and rushed over to the living-room. I looked at the caller-ID. It showed an anonymous number. But anyway, I picked it up. I heard a scary voice kind of dog growling; “When it seems like there’s no one left to run to in this empty world you can come to me I’ll be your hero to shoot anyone you want. You can tell me your dreams I can make them come through and then pick up your pieces of your broken heart if your dreams happen to fall through. If you need drugs or anything, just wish and I’ll grant it all kinds you desire. Just keep it between me and you. I’ll call you when the time shows your demands”. Before I say something, he just hung up. I stretched my arm way out and hold the phone away from my ear and flabbergasting looked around. Suddenly, I heard the water running in the kitchen. I ran quickly there and shut it before the kitchen being filled with water. I felt unsecured, even I knew Sandra was there but, anyway I was paranoid. I ran to the window and looking outside cautiously. Believing strongly, there might be someone spying on me! As I came out the porch door, I noticed the neighbor’s dogs had stopped stock-still staring at something their path. “What do you see,” I asked. Uncharacteristically, neither dog turned to acknowledge me. Sandra forcedly opened her eyes. It seemed it was hanging a ten ton kilo weight on her eyelid! She blinked hardly couples of times, and I could see how dry her mouth was! I was going to get her a glass of water that suddenly; I felt I was throwing up that I had to run to the bathroom. She stood by the door and watching me weird. About two steps in, I heard a loud noise, not realizing it was me hitting my face into the toilet bowl. I should just tell her the truth that I was really naïve back then and had made an innocent mistake to sleep with a drug-dealer and this is the result. Should I use the pills? Or should he use the condom at least! The only way I really coped with it was the fact that I should know to use them, I mean pills to stop getting pregnant. Curse on me why I shouldn’t have that so much experienced to let it not happening today! It is said that when you break a mirror, your cosmic penance is to endure seven years of bad luck, unless you can find a way to counteract the negative effects. So, how can I counteract effects with my pregnancy? Do an Abortion? Or waiting till the kid is born and then adopt it way! When I said to Sandra that I recently feeling constantly nausea’s and vomiting lot. My breasts swollen and I missed my period too. Yes, she said, you are pregnant that’s why you don’t have your period. The first thing that I noticed that was changing was my veins got a lot darker, mainly in my chest’s area on my arms. I took a pregnancy test and I was positive. But I can’t afford to have a baby right now. I want to end my pregnancy. Please don’t lecture me to give it up for adaption because you won’t be the one to carry it around for nine months or have a pleasure of going through such excruciating pain just to have a kid from a drug-dealer, I won’t even keep. I know no drug-dealers in their right mind would attract attention to themselves this way, To see the kid growing up! I simply don’t want my kid following the pattern the rest of the world to be embraced by such these people either! “But you don’t have to either abort it or adopt it. When the kid is born try to be a good mother. Carry your own baby. I don’t see anything wrong with it. That fetus inside of you is completely dependent on you. Besides, it’s not still a life as much as it is a parasite, but however remembers, aborting a child is taking away another person’s life under any circumstances”! Pro-choice people argue that the lack of consensus about when life begins implies that abortion should be legal until birth. By why only until birth? Why not after birth-that is, why do we not allow infanticide? What keeps us from legalizing infanticide? Is it only because there happens to be a consensus that infants are human begins with human rights? If you are to be consistent, your confidence is working for legal abortion before the time you think a human being comes into existence, cannot be greater than your confidence in working against legal abortion after the time you think a human being comes into Existence—that is, if your view that your viability marks the transition from not having rights to having human rights, is anything other than a mere rationalization. When Sandra said in a warning voice: “Are you really aware to see the fetus to be squelched by a nurse”? I just pressed my lips together and shook my head. The only warning was in the emphasis she put on the words could and choice, when she said: “I suppose you could do that. But the choice is yours. I don’t want to argue with you. I’m just trying to say; sometimes some people thinking it’s good to murder someone to realize just how much they love them! What do you say?! Is that what you want to do! In my opinion, of course; this is murdering. This is sin”. Many times a person will consciously or unconsciously touch the other person while having a conversation. An affectionate pat on the knee or a lingering stroke of your arm should be received as a sign of romantic interest. Another croqueting gesture is a quick flip of the hair or touching of the face. But me, Suddenly, I felt a little like my old self but the worse withdrawal I was finding is the hot and cold flushes and pouring with sweat. I looked up and wiped a few beads of sweat from my brow. I blinked a few times, trying to reconcile the soft voice and beautiful face with the harsh sight of my body. I busted into tears. I wanted to say something. My mouth was suddenly dry. Why I should go through all this crap! I stood up silently and dragged myself over to her and wrapped my arms around her. Then she showed me to the bed and motioned for me to lie down. I believe she noticed something weird going on with me! She gave me a wink and I felt the corner of my mouth twitch. Today we decided to go out and have some fun together, after all those weeks in the COMA. I would like to tell her all about my weeks, and reminisce about good times I spent together with Tina. The girl who has made herself so available and so committed when she hasn’t committed anything except suicide! We were sitting and we were talking at this Indian restaurant that she wanted to go. The lights are nicely dimmed and a violin is playing in the background. And I was making jokes; you know like, “Hey I didn’t know that they had food in India”! It started out fine. She was in a good mood and sense of humor. But next time when I started to talk about Tina and the incident to how it’s happened, she burst into tears and cried. I said; I have seen lot of my friends get caught up on that shit (drug), and as a result, they brought it more and more, smothering every ounce of joy from the friendship. At that point the friendship stopped being fun and full of happiness and started becoming more like a battle of wills. She had whole her eyes and ears on me. “You see mom, I wished I wasn’t so spoiled and wicked, rather to feel like Sisyphus, (Sisyphus, was a brilliant rascal who sometimes played tricks on the gods to get what he wanted. He even used trickery to avoid death. Finally the gods had enough and condemned Sisyphus to eternal hard labor—his punishment, rolling a boulder up a hill, only to have it
roll back down to the bottom each time he finally gets it to the top), to roll a rock to top of the mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight! Every morning, drag my sad old bag of bones out of bed and get to work pushing my boulder of responsibilities and challenges uphill, only to have it come rolling back to the ground every night on my way home from work! You see, to focus on being fun and lighthearted and enjoying the relationship for exactly what is it”! We were having a really deep conversation and she was looking into my eyes for a good 15 seconds, then suddenly I felt my stomach became overwhelming, a funny feeling! I looked up and saw a horror look on her face. Then I ran my fingers through my hairs and paced back and determinedly, forth across the bathroom. When I came back to the table she watched me with an anxiety look. Before her continuing the conversation, she glanced at me briefly through her tears and then asked me out of the blue how I was feeling! I could imagine that all she was thinking about my abortion the day that I told her, it broke her heart and devastated her feelings. I tried to be more specific to talk about the things which happened between me and Ray. I said it started by saying that awful phrase “We’ve got to talk”. Then he mentioned, he had a lot to say was thinking on his mind. When we got there and after his cliché-heavy speech, put some white powder on the glass table and I confused without asking sniffed that Shit! The waitress with a cozy smile poured her coffee and asked me if I wanted more. But I was just glancing down into my palms. Of course, after using the cocaine you can feel restlessness, irritability and anxiety. (I closed my eyes for a second and raised one hand to rob my forehead). We’ve been in touched and dating for a while and he really cared about me. Well, we had on and off fights too, because he was too curious sticking on my past. Mom, could you please return that “F” diamond ring to him or perhaps sell it to a pawn shop. I mean just get rid of this. How long we must endure those horrifying threats! These nagging and bitching are growing a sort of a sack of pain out my neck! It is freaking me up and drives me crazy. Can’t you see how we are stuck in a miserable situation with that! Murdering Amy, shooting at you in the middle of the street and then Tina! Who knows? Probable I’m going to be next! You’re saying loud and clear; There are a lot of ways to get relationship with others like, love, romance and friendship. You have to give that person your love and undivided attention and tell the complete truth. Never lie to them that can wreck the relationship”. What did you get out of all those relationships? Just think about my father and Amy. Do you call it love, romance or probably a ridiculous undivided attention? Every single day you think about it. I think about it. How long we need to suffer! The sleepless nights and the tears we cried. It’s never too late to make it right. Think about Amy. Even she had a kid with him, but in the end she is been killed. Who knows? I assume, that was he who murdered Amy! You remember that day; you told me, our family party assembled early. We shouldn’t soon join by such these friends and connections, all eager and excitements, and each of us provided with a colored glass for occasion! Mom, everyone grows up being told the same thing. It’s obvious from the start that only a few can succeed all rhetoric to avarice conflict and protect each other from hurt. Mom, you remember, you were talking about Amy and how you would help her with money to buy her drugs! You fed up her with her negligent decisions! You told me even she was kind, strong, gentle, loving and persistent in her achievements. Why you should let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decision? You held you’re responsible for her needs? That was her life. She was living in a non-exist-life. Wasn’t you told me all the time that; the closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong”! Though I struggled myself to find a black-and-white answer to my questions, but this time she gave me a wicked smile and then raised her voice at the waitress to hurry up and check us out. She wanted to continue our discussion at home. She thought that was too inappropriate to talk about private lives in the public.