Ballerina

by Jimmy Esmaeili

  I guess the truth is we live in such a world now where it seems that nothing is ever given away for free and people who do are seen as crazy fools who have obviously got something wrong in their heads. I can’t forget when I was just four years old; I and my father were walking out of Foot Locker. My father had a soda in his hands. He bent forward to tie his shoe, but was distracted by a pretty girl who walked past him. He put the soda cup in his mouth so he could leave both his hands to tie his shoe. But when he turned his head to see the girl, he smacked right into the wall behind him and soda spilled all over his face. It was so funny but lacks the courage to say something. Any word out of my mouth, I would have been dead. Actually for a second we didn’t say anything. I just watched as he hung his head down and stared at his shoes. Then he whispered to me “You should have stayed home”. Bah, ha-ha…I couldn’t stop laughing; I miss hanging with my dad. Well I was momentarily puzzled. I didn’t want any suspicion cast upon me. It must be believable that I did it myself, but how can I say it to her! She said I decide when it’s time to tell her. “I don’t want to force you, but I would like to know the truth”. My throat tightens. I whispered; “Revenge”. She heard something in my voice and took a step closer. “What”? I cleared my throat; “I hope it would be acceptable to you”? “Acceptable what”? Then I said it a little louder; “Revenge. Mom, I couldn’t get it off my mind. I hired some hit men to kill Ray and his gangs. Don’t you follow the news or probably you are too busy with your new love story? Just go and look around the city, those thugs and criminals running freely through the streets in a lawless neighborhood and exclaims. They are like roaches, they are everywhere. Left alone roaches will indeed turn up everywhere. Mom, in real life criminals, murderers, robbers, muggers, rapists, home invaders, drug dealers are like roaches. Left alone they multiply like crazy and take over houses, blocks, cities. Listen mother, he and his kinds should be wiped off the earth. He drugged my father, killed Tina and Amy, then he put you in a coma and finally he sent some rapists to torture and rape me. Was it not enough reason to revenge on him? They already set the entire city on an uproar, bloodshed, fears in everywhere”. “How did you manage that? I mean, how did you know those men”? She said. “What? You mean “Hit men? Do you remember Turbo? The guy, one of my father’s clients”! I said. “Wait a minute. You mean him? Gush! As far as I remember He has been sent to a death row prison (Death row, signifies the place, often a section of prison, that houses individuals awaiting execution)”. “No, you are mixing him up with somebody else. Turbo and two other inmates, who were convicted of robbery and killing drug dealers”! I said. “Ok, I understand, but what are you trying to do? Trying to be a crafty hero and play two criminal gangs against each other? And you call this revenge? Let me tell you something about my past, how was my life. My biological father was criminal, and my worse fear was I didn’t want to lose my control and becoming like him. I had all of that anger bottling inside of me that sometimes felt acidic that was how dangerous it was! I remember myself, when I was thirteen; I came really close to killing someone. Although it was in order to protect my best friend and we were trapped. I still feel responsible. I couldn’t control myself. The thing I never told anyone is-I liked it. Feeling that power, the thrill of the kill! If it wasn’t for my friend holding me back, I would have killed somebody. Later on, I discovered this country that I grew up in had and still has the highest criminal rate in the entire world. In essence, my father was a criminal and deserter. A lone wolf renegade! Now you want to pretend to be a sociopath! Taking the law into your own hands? To go off the rails and kill everyone you can! But, watch out; before turn the weapon on yourself! Let me tell you who a sociopaths and what are exactly doing to the social lives of others. They absolutely have no conscience and that also includes the law. To them law are broken and they do not adhere to the regular social lives of others. What? Now you want to be a hero? Looking your picture on the first page in the big-time magazines? Make yourself a famous killer on the cover of a popular magazine? You got to be kidding me! You don’t want to be a callous, unforgiving, cruel and get great pleasure out of demeaning, harming another human being! A sociopath will stare almost unblinkingly into another person’s eyes because they watch people’s reactions far more closely than most people. Your childhood dreams, to be a star, a ballerina. Don’t let drugs or killing drug dealers get in the way of your dreams. As you said; they are like cockroaches in everywhere. The day I saw your picture after I was gone, still I don’t forget the colors of the world where you belong. Misery was all around, but you didn’t see you were living your life inside a dream. You said you wanted to be a ballerina, dancing with fire, in a road with no end. Remember all those dreams you had back when you were a child? At some point in your life you have wanted to be a famous ballerina. You dreamt of changing the world, and becoming so rich and successful. But imagine for a second that somewhere out there, there is a version of you who is able to turns all those dreams into reality. I’d to show you that the keys to everything you’ve ever wanted in life-success, talent, wealth, wellness, happiness, lie hidden in alternate version of the universe we live in. And that in these alternate universes, mirror images of yourself are living put their lives, just as you are”. Then I started to feel stressed out and unusually paranoid. I had a river of tears running down my cheeks, so embarrassed I told her; “Mom, you know since that day that I’ve been tortured and raped, I still feeling stressed and scared of something’s going happen to me! Looking over my shoulder, thinking others are talking about me. I see a conspiracy around every corner. Most of times when I sit here alone, I feel so paranoid. That’s why I decided to revenge. I guess having people go on the news about their crimes is revenge or families who try to put the criminal behind bars who killed their loved one or raped them or molested their child. Mom, that motherfucker Ray, which I always wished in my life I could take revenge on for what he’s done to me and to others”. I just burst into tears and said. “It depends on what kind of revenge. Thoughts normally go wrong not because you are stupid but only because you never imagine about it. Most of times I think it is a waste of time and stupid. And doing thing to people they deserve; I don’t view it as revenge. I got to tell you, revenge is not definitely good or productive or a resolution or restitution to anything. The things in life cause you to feel, these are your emotional reactions. And if those cause you to think, these are logical or intellectual reactions. Thus, life is divided between things that make you feel and things that make you think. The more you like something (or hate something, even somebody or have any strong emotional reaction to anything like what you do now, revenge), the more emotional it is. But that doesn’t mean that it might not also cause you to think about it. I can’t think your fear is not that severe. Why you make it so complicated? Beside, fear is not a power, but a dark pretender that’s dethroned the moment we decide to no longer permit what is running our life to roll over it. The deepest parts of you know that if freedom from fear was as easy as “creating a new reality” for yourself and you would already the fearless person you know in your heart that you’re meant to be. But when it comes to fearless life, the Divine gives nothing freely…save to those who freely give themselves to discovering the truth about their own fearless self. You can fool yourself into thinking it accomplishes something through pathetic justifications; but, it’s a lie that you spend more energy convincing yourself is truth than if you just done the proper thing and moved on like an adult. It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end of underneath, some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise. Let me tell you a story of one young Brazilian girl who was able to forgive in a drastic family situation. And the fruits were
not lacking…She was just a girl, stunned by sorrowful experiences within the family and by the lack of real and stable affections. When she met some persons who was possessed a joy which she had thought impossible to experience in life. They shared this gift with her and through them she discovered God and his love towards her. For her it was like perceiving a light during the night that guided her safely along the way of love, which was exactly what she was looking for. That’s what I expect you to do. Perceive a light during the night that wills guide you safely along the way of love. And I’m sure that exactly what you would look for! Dear Jennifer, if you are angry about something someone did, try to think of one convincing innocent motive. Let others do their own self-management and don’t judge other person’s work. Don’t try to be hero and manipulate others to your way. Believe in yourself, you have the confidence to do anything you want to. Don’t let little things bother you and do your best. It’s normal to feel a little scared at times, just not all the time. There are lots of young and teenage people that they have always a difficult relationship with their parents which is marked by many clashes, quarrels and discussion that will end up in violence. The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else; and that makes you unique. What did you imagine that day when you dressed up in that fabulous tights and gorgeous tutu? I could see into your eyes your all dreamed about becoming a ballerina. So, hold your head up high and walk like you are a person with a passion. A passion for life and you are not going to let anyone take that away from you”. I am a weepy weeper at the best of times. And I am too lazy to look back through the posts and find all the ridiculous moments where I have unnecessarily busted into tears in the past. But be sure, there are many. Movies and TV are no exception, I cry for everything. I cry during romantic comedies, I cry when people achieve greatness. I cry when someone crosses a finish line or fails to do so. I cry when the wind blows. But I tried not to cry during Sandra was talking. I preferred to keep my mind light as I did agree that life is tragic enough without made up stories. After all these years I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It’s better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pay for a full life. Sandra saying forgives and forgets, but I think if someone is worth forgiving, they are worth remembering. There’s always going to be this one thing you wish for what never get. That one mistake you wish you can erase but can never take back. Most of all that one memory you would do anything for, just to have it again. I always thought that everything happens for a reason. But later on I found out, that sometimes reasons are not enough to explain, why everything happened! You can recall the creases caused by the smile on the loved one’s lips or the way in the tears crept to your eyes. But pain is hard to put into words and in life there is always pain. It is natural as birth or death.