Ballerina

by Jimmy Esmaeili

  I pray to god to always bless her soul.

  I wish I would to fill up and complete her goal.

  I lost lot of weight. I don’t get hungry at all.

  Because cocaine is a stimulant and appetite suppressant, that’s why I don’t get hungry. I became like the vampires. I can’t sleep during the night. I am under the impression just like Dracula who sold his soul to the Devil for informality unaware of the curse that he would have to drink other people’s blood in order to stay alive. I am cursed and nights I’m running to get some drug and in the day time sleep like a dog. That Ray got my soul and in the disfigured street he left me. I am cocaine addict and I know I cannot stop it. I have to have it, now. I’m feeling strong fewer, nausea, feeling vomiting, dizziness and headache, I’m going through. I am going through desperate times. I pray that no one goes through what I’m going through. I stopped by an ATM and I put my credit card into the machine. I punched my ATM pin number and I’ve withdrawn thousands of dollars. I am living literally in a drug induced moment. I can’t see any drug-dealer in the corner. I stayed there for some minutes then I saw a black guy came out of the building. I walked pass him. I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck. He might have suspected me of being addicted to the use of some narcotic! Then he called me very kindly and asking me if I wanted some drugs! I looked down as my face turned red and said “Yes”. He gave me a small package of white. I was going to pay him but all of sudden the police showed up. He shouted as he was running towards the alley “Get the fuck out of there”. Then I struggled to walk, but normal. I wouldn’t think of in these circumstances the police shouldn’t need to have a reasonable suspicion to stop me or arrest me! Although, if I should be arrested either, I know I have my right to be treated fairly and with respect. Even though, I am a narcotic addict, not a criminal! So I walked slowly towards the curb and took a cab and told him the address. We reached my house, and I was about to pay my fair. Then the cab driver said to me; “I accept other forms of payment, you know. Doesn’t have to be money”? It was the grossest thing ever. I was so freaked out that I immediately jumped out of the cab and started walking, but the driver followed me in his car and continued to say many vulgar things. I ran into my house and locked the door behind me. I’d rather avoid him and I looked through the keyhole to make sure he has gone. I sighed very deeply, and then I closed my eyes, hardly breathing. The sky opens wide, swallowing again, once I am insider. I’m lost and can’t pretend these pictures in my mind; those are not parts of me. These memories hold me tight, I can hardly breathe. Nothing I can say or do, I want to take away what I’m going through. I can hardly stop these memories, what I was and what I’m going to be. No one can say anything to me, or to take away these memories. What I was and what I’m going to be. Anyways, I went to the bathroom. I flipped down the visor and gazed at my ragged reflection in the mirror. I see how my lipstick smeared across my face, and how my skin turned into scales! I lost more than half of my hair, no energy, nausea and vomiting, constipation. I ran my hand over my face, pushing the long stringy hair away from my eyes. My eyelashes were crusted and glued together from day-old mascara. I attempted to rub it off, but it smudged-great, now I looked like a vampire. I pulled up my sleeve and looked at the fresh needle marks on my arm. They were raw and sore. I spit on my finger and rubbed the blood-streaked puncture wounds. What became of me! I am and I was a shooter. I had been putting drug in my veins for a long time. Now I know I’m carrying a deadly virus in my body and it will slowly destroying my liver. The resulting jaundice is evidence through the sickly yellow tint of my skin and eyes. I don’t feel good; I have a constant dull ache on my right side and most of the time I am fatigue. I have to accept one thing in my life, wherever there is drug addiction the Grim Reaper (Such that Ray) is stationed close by, waiting patiently for his next victim. Well, I am a drug addict and that Grim Reaper is caused of this. I know this driving madness possessed me every hour of every day. My arms are a graveyard of collapsed veins and rock hard calluses. Then I turned my face hopeless to the spoon which it was on the floor and crying to get burn to fix me up. Although, I was going to use it but stupidly I’m standing here and yelling at it. I was imagining that is Ray and I’m yelling at it; “You are wrong to resist me. You are wrong to be forgiven, and now I loathe my own weakness, and you asked for this! There will be a place in your future, where all of your fucking wounds will fuck you up. The children you injured will rise up, purified, and then kill your name. You’ll be afraid of the mirror, and you’ll crawl on the floor, where you count your perversions. Then you rise up, filthy, with remorse”. Anyways, I put about enough for a small line in the spoon with some water, then I injected it. Suddenly I felt an extremely intense rush and.

  Some years gone and I am getting sick and tired running on the streets and corners to get some stuff. Feeling tired and stress and depress, and I became physically run down. How long my immune system will able to fight infection and illness! I’m thinking the day about not being able to go to the corner and getting some more when I run out! In this time and age everyone is in survival mode, so being a junkie woman I am now ready to start thinking of purchasing a gun to protect me. But the thing is……I should know where to start! What kind of gun, where to go, should I get lessons how to use it, and so on? I know very little about guns and have never in my life used one or touched one. I’m thinking why Amy should have one! Did she really need it? I have always wished to have one too, since I was having planned to kill Ray. I know I would have to lock it up for sure. I would rather have one for protection and extreme situation. Well, I remember that day, in the middle of street, how Sandra got shot! I think if I had a gun that day I should probably defended her! That makes me think even more that it is a good idea for me to put away my fear of guns and go out and buy one. I am standing here to buy some drugs and a gun from a dealer. I supposed to meet him here on the corner of street. He called me on my cellular phone. He said he’ll be there in ten minutes. Suddenly, I saw a person running with a bag against his back. Then I decided to follow that person running and the person ended up in a building in a ghetto neighborhood. I stayed outside of the building about five minutes and then I went in. I just wanted to be sure there was not any cop following him. I walked inside and started looking around. I saw a room at the end of the hall and walked over there. When I got there, I opened the door a little bit and I peaked in. There was nothing, so I closed the door quietly and when I turned around, I got pinned against the closed door. The stranger covered my mouth fast before I can scream. “Don’t make a sound or try to escape ok”? He said I nodded and his hand moved away from my mouth slowly. I stood there frozen, unable to move. I got myself together and I finally relaxed myself. I looked at him and he was using his phone. I stood there leaning against the door because I got tired of standing up. Then he asked me, pinned me against the door, “Who are you?! Who sent here”?! He asked me again but with more force. “Let me go please!” I whined. “Not until you tell me and if you don’t something going to happen to you”. He said. I kept my eyes shut and I’m about to cry. I felt his breath next to my neck and he bit my neck a little. I tensed up really fast. “I was waiting for someone to meet me on the corner of that street. He supposed to bring me some drugs and a gun. I thought for a second it might be you and then I followed you here”. “So, why you didn’t say that girl! I’m sorry I scared you. You should understand the situation! Besides, I was so paranoid. I had a little conflict with the cops on my way here. Come over here I want to show you the best of the best”. Seriously though, he showed me some of his guns it just freaked me out. He said the things you really should know, they each have their pros and cons. The size of the gun, and how you will carry it! He said this is one of my best favorite’s pink.38. You will enjoy using it and it’s very comfortable too. After we went through the deal, he took off a syringe from his bag and wrapped the belt around my arm and…… Now we are sitting in this room and both of us just high
and high, talking bullshit stuff. He looked very nice and so comfortable to talk to. I always said; if I had to fuck a guy…I mean I had to, if my life dependent on it…I’d fuck Elvis. And now you listen to me girl, if you give me a million years to ponder, I would never guess that true romance and Detroit would ever go together. Now you check it out handsome boy; this is the girls talking; “please shut up! I’m trying to come clean, ok? I’ve been a call-girl for exactly four days and you’re my third customer. I want you to know that I’m not damaged goods. I am not what they call Florida white trash. I am really a person when it comes to relationships, I’m one- hundred percent, and I’m one-hundred percent…monogamous. We were flying solo, we were flying so high, cause when we fly solo we fly high, and we fly high. He turned his face towards me and very politely said; “now the first time you kill somebody, that’s the hardest. We just sat there for a little while and talking about this and that. I told him about my next plan and he just laughed. Even though, I was still feeling resentful, and relentless even in the face of total lack of his encouragement. “This is my number and if you ever needed drugs or anything, just don’t hesitate. You can call me anytime you want to. My name is Eddie, not Edward, just Eddie. You got it! I knew countless people who died because of the drug. Addicts reaching for the ultimate high inject a lethal amount into their veins, and the next thing you know, they are on the floor, dead as a doornail! The majority of drug dealers are murderers and they have no conscious. Greedy for more money, they cut the drugs with dangerous fillers. Unfortunately, some poor addict in a hurry to get high doesn’t taste it. Once it is injected, well, then it’s too late! Violence lives on the streets where drugs are sold. All too often, the exchange turns ugly and somebody winds up getting wacked (killed). However, that never stopped me from wandering into these dangerous neighborhoods to get drugs. I did whatever it took and never gave it a thought that I was risking my life. When I got the drugs and the gun, I took off out of there as fast as I could. I honestly blame myself for the way I’ve treated her (Sandra) and stolen the diamond ring and hided until today! Well, I was poisoned with jealousy and insecurity why she (Amy) should have it even though, this is belonged to my mother. I became emotionally unstable and I felt down to see how she was head over heels to be attracted to it! Certainly, it would have been painful watching them running like dogs in the kitchen, steal a crust of bread, cook up with the ladle and beat him till he was dead. So, imagine the ring just like that crust of the bread passed hand in hand and tried to reach out to me and finally it touched my hand, until it reached to me. Well, as far as I remember, I buried it under one thick branch. I just wrapped it in some plastic wrap and put it in there. This has been one of those days when my brain hasn’t had the energy to think of where I should hide it! Well, the only place I could think of was in the backyard I found the weirdest to hide it. Then I went into the backyard, and I had to check out each branch to find the right one. Finally I found that branch. I hate it when it starts to rain just before to begin to dig up. I should find it and sell it. I need money. I have to sell it and earn some money. No matter, how much! “Here you go, nice and beautiful”. Just like I wanted, it is still in the plastic wrap. But I could see it wasn’t shining that I saw it in the first time. White gold diamond rings are known for their clean look and brilliant luster. However, over time, that shine can begin to fade if the ring gets covered in fingerprints, dust or soap or lotion residue. Well, I should put some minutes to clean it to have it looking just like when I first set eye on it. Anyways, I thought the best is to take it to a pawn shop and sell it. Although, I know pawn shops usually they pay the lowest price, but anyway, money is money! When all of a sudden a thought occurred to me, Eddie! That’s best decision, especially now, I need his help. What’s the hesitation? Why not just call? I want to call him but I don’t want to seem desperate. He said; meet me at Philips gas-station by 45 and Madison. I took a taxi cab and asked the cabbie to drop me in that address. I took my gun full loaded and the ring in my purse. In case of emergency, I have to be careful. We got to the gas station and as I saw him I nearly felt no breath left to choke on. He opened the back door and jumped into the car. I had a hunch about something will happen! The way he jumped into the car, which was unmoral to see him like that. He gave the driver a piece of paper and told him drop us there. We drove through some of the streets. I tried to talk to him but he ignored me. Then I asked him;” where are we going”? But he acted very suspicious and he didn’t say any word until we got to the place. He paid the driver and then we went into a house with the big steps and a great big hall. There was a big room with some chairs and a large table. We got there and he was so curious to see the ring. As I took it out from my purse, he weirdly fastened his eyes upon it. Suddenly, he bolted upon me so unexpectedly, that I was surpassed; he took my hand, and grasped it with violence. He took me from behind and pressed his hand on my forehead. “Where did you steal it, you bitch. Tell me the truth you fucking whore”. I felt him take something out of his pocket and I saw it. He was holding a pocket knife in his right hand. Then, he put the pocket knife against my left thigh and I gasped, “I promise you, I’m telling you the truth, please don’t hurt me. My mother gave it to me”. I cried “I still don’t believe you. Where did you steal it? I saw this ring somewhere long ago”. “I swear it’s belonged to my mother. She gave it to me. For god sake’s I trusted you. I thought you wanted to help me. So, is it your help and put the knife on my thigh”? With that he slowly pushed the knife in my thigh and I screamed. The guy stopped and I looked at the direction he was looking at. There was another guy standing on the corner of room and watching. “Let her go. I’ll talk to her alone”, he said. “But what if she does something wrong”? The other guy said. “It’s going to be ok”. He said. The guys just nodded, the guy that pinned me, let go off me and I collapsed but the guy that told the other to leave caught me. I cried softly and he handed me a tissue and wiped the blood away from my thigh. It stung a bit but I ignored the pain. He carried me to a room and set me down on the table and took out a first aid kit. “Why are you nice to me?” I asked. He got next to me and I looked him in the eyes. “Because I don’t like to see a beautiful innocent girl gets hurt,” he said. I turned red and I looked away so that he wouldn’t see me blushing. He touched my cheek and I flinched. He moved my head carefully so that I was facing him. “Hey don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you and I won’t let him touch you”. He said. “But what if he does?” I asked. He was done the cleaning the cut on my thigh and put a big bandage over the cut. “Then I’ll deal with him. Oh and what’s your name”? He said. “Jennifer”. “That’s a pretty name”. He said. He helped me get down and we walked to the front door. I looked him right in the eyes and the colors of his eyes were a bright pretty brown. He tried to kiss me but soon I realized he was so attracted to him I told him. “Would you mind to bring my purse please?” I said. He went to the other room and after 5 minutes came back with the purse. I checked in the purse and I saw the gun still was there. Suddenly, He said with tremor in his voice, “I want you tell me truth. Where did you get that ring?” “What are you doing? Scare me now? I told him this is a gift from my mother. What’s the big deal? What are you trying to do? Standing there and questioning me after all the things that you did for me”. He called the other one, “hey Eddie, get your fat ass over here”. He came to the door. I could see standing there like a ghost. While he had the terrible fire of his eyes on me, he said to him; “What did she do now”? “Nothing, just tell me where the last time you saw this ring? While he was keeping throw it up and down in his hands, saying. “You remember Sandra and Amy!” Suddenly my eyes ran out of my sockets to hear their names and then I said; “What? Did you say Sandra and Amy? How do you know them”? He turned his eyes to me, with a sound of violence said; “Shut the fuck up you bitch. Who said I’m talking to you! I’m talking to him”. He stared at me a bit, and then he turned his face to him. But I just didn’t let him more words to come out of
his mouth. I didn’t hesitate one moment. I took the gun out of my purse very fast. I aimed at the guy who was standing close to me and squeezed the trigger. A bullet fired and hit his head. The bullet had made a neat hole on entering the skull at the hairline, but had torn away a substantial part of the bone and brain before exiting behind the ear. The size of the exit wound, to the untrained eye. I shot two bullets at other one who was standing at the door. The two bullets tore through his stomach, hitting organs along the way. Their blood covered whole room. The guy that I shot in his head he just fell on the floor. He was killed in the immediate aftermath that he had been shot in the head. He didn’t suffer. It was a direct hit. But the other one still was alive. I went towards him. He was still breathing. He drew himself to the ground. I put the gun to his head and I said, “Hey listen you scum back. You got two options that both come with pluses and minuses. If you want to live, which means that’s the plus side. Tell me how did you know Sandra and Amy? Give me just short and easy answer. Or I can just shoot another bullet in your fucking head, and you will be right in the hell! So, which one going to be”? He just drew himself to the ground and moaning and wailing. I’m sure he was suffering from heavy blood loss. He instead of answering my question gave me a reason to kill him. I wouldn’t waste my time and I was afraid someone heard the gunshots already and called the police! I aimed for his head, I put my finger on the trigger, and he grabbed my leg. I pulled the trigger. Gully. You should see how his head looked after he gets blown up! I felt vomit and I started throwing up. The only thing that came to my mind was, to pick up the bullet holes and empty cartridges. I didn’t want to leave anything behind. I opened the door and stuck my head out. I could see there was not any police around. Then I jumped out and left the door opened behind. This is a game of life and death. If you don’t kill them they will kill you. Talking about law! What they would do! Put them in the jail! Someone else put the money into a bail bond and next day they are free on the streets. What law could have done! Off course, take their money. What then? What you expect! Back on the streets again! Do you think is it fair?! Can you trust drug marketing? As I said; “don’t trust them, they don’t trust you”. That was my first experience to shoot people with a gun. I was proud and panic. Proud to be used my gun for the first time at least I called it an excitement. Panic and afraid with a resulting loud gunshots sound, a flushing feeling through my head! I took a cab and sit behind the driver’s seat. As we drove some streets I noticed the driver often kept an eye on the rear view mirror and staring at me. That made me rightfully paranoid to make me look out of the window. I wanted to be sure any cops following us! It is difficult to determine the cause of paranoia. Paranoia people may suffer from an emotional and mental breakdown in certain thoughts process. An incident in the past may have built up unconsciously into a serious underlying mental disturbance. Repressed feelings can also be a cause of paranoia, along with circumstances or projected feelings onto other people. Anyways, as we were very close to my house, I told him to pull over here. I paid my fare and as I was walking towards my home, he called me back to take my bag that I tucked it under the seat. I thanked him, there I gave him a 20$ bill as the tip to his kindness. I was wondering why the driver had been all the way staring at me through the rear view mirror! Then when I saw my face in the bathroom mirror, I figured blood spots on my face, then I freaked out. Three days later on the TV, talking about; the police have arrested a drug addict who killed and murdered two young people and stole money and things from around the house. According to the Tribune investigation, a detective got a confession from a man, a drug user accused of two murders. He was passing by a house and he saw the door was opened and he sneaked into the house. How could it be possible to arrest an innocent people! If you were arrested or detained by the police or another person and you feel their actions were unjustified, is it possible to sue for false arrest? But he is just a drug addict. Who’s going to sue them for false arrest? He is like me and we both are scarification in the society. So, I won’t feel sorry for him, and besides, what’s the point of feeling sorry for him! I am a drug user myself. I’ve been forced to use it whereas; he made himself to make the drug dealers rich. I wonder, why don’t they handle the drugs like they handle alcohol? Alcohol is a deadly drug too. In my opinion, the real deadly drugs are prescription drugs. They kill a lot more people than the illegal drugs. I’ve been on a perpetual high every day for the last four years, in spite of my sarcasm.