Breathless (Meadowlarks)

by Ashley Christine

  I opened the door and tip-toed in. My mom stirred, and sleepily opened her eyes. When she saw me, she let out a tiny shrill noise, but covered her mouth. “Baby!” she whispered.

  I walked over to her, and sat right on her lap, like I was a little girl again. “Mom,” I cried into her shoulder.

  “I know, baby. I know.” She rocked me in her arms.

  Alex convinced us to try and eat something, so we took turns going down to the cafeteria, so that someone was always with my dad. When it was my turn to go, I was hesitant, I didn’t want to leave.

  “I’ll be right back, daddy,” I said, kissing the cool skin of his forehead tenderly. “I love you.”

  I forced myself to eat a vending machine sandwich—egg salad. And I called Addison, while I sipped on the black coffee I was willing myself to drink.

  “I don’t know how you drink this shit, it’s awful,” I said to her, joking about her favourite way to drink coffee. “How are the kids?”

  Addison told me they were all good, and that her parents were taking them out so she and Blaine could come to the hospital to see my parents too.

  “I want to be able to…” Addison said, sniffling. I could hear the lump in her throat growing. “Say goodbye.”

  I cried, and tossed the crust of the sandwich onto the tray. “I love you, I’ll see you soon.”

  Back upstairs, there was still no change. The doctor was in the room this time, and had explained that he thought today or tomorrow would be my dad’s last day.

  I pulled my ear, like I hadn’t heard him correctly. I couldn’t fathom his words, as if were not meant for me. Have I walked into the wrong hospital room?

  “Addy’s coming, mom,” I said, holding her hand in mine.

  “Your dad would love that,” she whispered, blinking back tears.

  When Alex came back from his quick lunch trip, he pulled me into a hug, and I pushed my face hard into his chest. I breathed him in, his wonderful smell, and I melted in his arms.

  The hours ticked by, and we talked about random things, like my new job (minus a few details, of course), Scarlett, Isaac, et cetera. My mom bragged about her newly acquired golf score, and how jealous the other ladies at the country club were.

  A tiny knock at the door drew us from our quiet moment, and we all looked up as Addison and Blaine walked in the room. Addison’s eyes already had tears in them, as she treaded over to my mother and embraced her tightly.

  Blaine stood near the door, and looked at Alex. “Addy, sorry…but I’m going to sit in the hall.” He turned and opened the door to leave. I didn’t blame him, after seeing Jeremiah in almost the same condition.

  At dinnertime, we took our turns again, eating in the cafeteria. This time I couldn’t eat anything except for my own sorrow. I hadn’t bothered trying the coffee again. I just sat in the plastic chair, with my hands on the table, fingers knotted. I stared out of the window, it faced the vast visitor’s parking lot.

  “Can I sit?”

  I looked up, and Blaine was standing at the table.

  “Of course.”

  He pulled out a chair and sat down, opposite me. “So, I know it’s a stupid thing to ask, and I hated when people asked me but, how are you?” He combed his hand through his blonde hair.

  “I’m…not ready to say goodbye yet. Parents are supposed to be old when they die.”

  Blaine frowned, and sighed. “Well, it doesn’t always work like that.”

  “I’m sorry, I forgot…” I muttered, feeling like eating my own foot, as I remembered his mother died far too young.

  “Don’t be sorry.” Blaine picked at his fingernail. “You know, I never thought I’d get over Jer. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to stand in the field, where we always were together, and scream to God…begging for him back.”

  I felt the tears well in my eyes, and I quickly wiped them as they start to fall.

  “Addison used to always have these little sayings…for everything. Like everything happens for a reason…you know what I’m talking about.”

  I smiled. She did.

  “Well, it brought absolutely no comfort at the time, because well, I didn’t want to hear about anything comforting. But, eventually, it did. I realized that as hard as life is, death was harder. Because it’s so final…but only for the one who dies. For us, it widens our horizons. I need to live for Jeremiah now, I need to extend myself just a little farther, to fill the void that he left so that his son has a father.”

  I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Listening intently.

  “There is no rewind, no pause, and no mute. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it’s true. We’re dealt what we’re dealt, only given as much as we can handle. Even though sometimes, it feels like we’re going to break our backs trying to carry it all.”

  “How did you get to be so wise?” I asked, sniffling and smiling slightly.

  “Guys can have deep conversations, too. Jer was more than just my buddy, he was the best man I ever knew. I wish more people could have seen that. Alex is starting to remind me of him, you know. But a younger, more annoying version, of course.”

  I laughed, and the burst of sound echoed through the empty lunch room.

  “Go upstairs, and see your dad. Knowing that you were given almost thirty years with him, and during each and every day in all those years, he loved you. That’s all that matters, in the end.”

  I got up, and Blaine stood too. I hugged him, hard. And he enfolded me back. I sniffled into his chest.

  “Sorry,” I said, standing back to see that I had gotten mascara on his shirt.

  “I’m here if you need another tissue,” he said with a shrug and a tiny whisper of a grin.

  ***

  Clive Harrison, my father, and the best man that I’ve ever known, died that morning. My mother and I sat on either side of him, holding his hands and praying out loud for God to open His arms as my father made his way into heaven.

  “I love you, daddy,” I whispered, kissing his hand softly.

  My mom’s soft whimpers eventually faded as we sat and just stared at him. “He’s so handsome,” she said.

  After a while of sitting in the quiet, I looked over at my mother. “Are you ready, mom?”

  She actually smiled, even though it was just a small one. She nodded and we got up, each kissing him on the forehead once more before leaving.

  Addison, Alex and Blaine all got up when we walked out. I hugged Alex and Blaine simultaneously, and Addison embraced my mother.

  My parents had all the arrangements made ahead of time, so all my mother had to do was call the funeral home and let them know that my dad had passed away. Who knew that was the easy part. Breaking the news to Isaac shattered my heart.

  “I’m sorry, buddy,” I said, kneeling in front of him, holding his hands in mine. “Papa’s gone. He’s up in heaven now.”

  Isaac’s lip trembled as he came to terms with what I had said to him, and he threw his arms around me. Crying into my hair. “So…he’s an angel now?”

  I laughed a little. “Yes, baby. He always was one.”

  It was bittersweet that Scarlett would never remember my father during his last few months. She has been attached to my mom’s hip since we returned to the house, and I was sure my mom loved it, since Scarlett was in a very loving phase. Constantly hugging and kissing my mom.

  The house felt the same, but so different all at the same time. I sat down at my dad’s piano, and let my fingers graze across the black and white keys. I pushed down, sending a note into the air. The last time I heard that sound, my dad was playing. I straightened my body, shoulders back, and started to play.

  A Beethoven piece that was taught to me at a very young age, one that I hadn’t played in decades, but somehow, today, it flowed out of my fingertips and onto the keys. I got lost in that piece, lost in the sadness of the notes, and the calming feeling that washed over me while I played. It was almost like he was sitting there beside me, playing the exact same notes on the lower half of
the piano.

  When I opened my eyes, everyone was standing around me, and my father wasn’t sitting beside me. I blinked. “What?”

  “Why didn’t I know that you could play the piano?” Alex asked, his eyes wide.

  I shrugged. “I don’t. Not anymore.”

  “That was beautiful, darling.” Mom kissed the top of my head. “For a moment there, I thought it was your dad playing.”

  “I felt like he was, too.” I smiled and got up from the bench.

  ***

  Dinner was quiet. Simple. Burgers that Blaine had barbequed, and a salad with rolls that one of the neighbours dropped off. Addison offered to take the kids back to her parents, but my mom objected.

  “I’d love you to stay, all of you.” She looked away, her eyes glistened.

  “Of course we will, whatever you need, Mrs. Harrison,” Blaine sat down beside her and smiled.

  “Oh, call me Ann, will you? After all this time, you’re still such a nice country boy.”

  We all laughed, and it brightened the room.

  Just a tad.

  After dinner, I bathed Scarlett and put her to bed in her little fairy forest. I stood to look at the room, knowing my father’s hand had painted each tiny detail. Isaac had fallen asleep hours ago, exhausted from the emotional day. He wanted to sleep in “Papa’s spot” in my parents’ bed.

  My mom’s eyes grew heavy, while we all sat in the great room and drank tea. She laid on the chaise and when she fell asleep, I covered her with a blanket and kissed her hair.

  “I’m going to lay down, too. I hope you guys don’t mind.” I stretched and yawned.

  “Of course not, try and sleep, babe,” Addison said, standing to hug me.

  Upstairs, in my old bedroom, I changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. I turned on my side, and curled my body, hugging myself. For a second, I felt like a teenager again. Like I was in bed, on a school night, wide awake but in desperate need of sleep. My dad would come in, sit on the bed, and offer me some warm milk, or sleepy time tea.

  Either worked.

  “You know, you’re a lot like me,” he would say. “Your mind never shuts off. It’s a torturous gift. I don’t think I’ve slept a wink in forty years.”

  I laughed. “Oh no? So is it mom snoring like a bear in there?”

  “Don’t let her hear you say that,” he joked. “Try and get some sleep. You’ll wish you had done it more often when you’re my age.”

  I fell the bed shift when Alex crawled in, trying to be quiet by failing miserably.

  I rolled over and looked into his imperial blue eyes. “I love you.”

  He smiled. “I love you.”

  “Make love to me,” I whispered.

  “Riley, really? Right now?”

  I nodded. “I need you, please. I need to feel you, I miss you.”

  Alex pulled me into him, and kissed my hair. “I miss you too. I feel such a distance from you lately. Well, not lately…it’s been a while.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “You must be getting old. I’m gonna have to trade you in for a newer model.” Alex chuckled.

  I pushed back. “Oh, really! I thought you liked older women?”

  He gaped. “Who told you that?”

  “I’m not stupid, Alex. Plus, I can just tell. You’ve been in love with me for as long as I can remember.”

  He quietly laughed again. “So, what’s the problem?”

  “You’re still talking, and not making love to me. Rectify the situation before I dry up into some old bitty!”

  He kissed my mouth with reckless abandon. His hands curled into my hair and kneaded through the tendrils. When he pulled his mouth away, his hot breath ignited my lips and drove me crazy.

  This time, it was all Alex inside of me. No visions of tattooed and controlling men, no shaved heads or emerald eyes.

  All Alex.

  Every last inch of him.

  The man I’m meant to be with, the man I’ve taken for granted, on more than one occasion. The man who fathered my child, and is raising my other as his own.

  He’s the man that he didn’t have to be.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I called Pine Ridge to let Sara know that I would need a little more time before I could come back to work. She said she had already spoken to the Casey’s, and they completely understood. I tried not to chuckle into the phone—there was no way Weston Casey possessed the emotion to understand the feelings of anyone but himself.

  Regardless, I thanked Sara and let her know I would call her when I returned to Wyoming.

  That afternoon we were gathering with all of our friends and family, to bury my father. My uncle Wes, who I hadn’t spoken to since his imposter wife stole my son, was giving a eulogy, as well as my Aunt Marielle, and myself.

  “What can I say about Clive,” Wes began. “Well, not much to say, really. You all knew him, in one way or another. He was the best brother any man could ask for. My parents, if they were here, would probably tell you he was the child who behaved better, but Marielle and I could tell you a few things about Clive that would change your mind.”

  The congregation laughed.

  “He met Ann, did the whole falling in love thing…I never got that one right, myself.”

  More laughter.

  “And then they had their little Riley. Boy, I still remember the day she was born. Clive said, “I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love twice.” But, he did. And those two women right there, are the living proof that it’s possible to love so hard you can see through anything. Clive carried his family, and in turn, they carried him. He knew what he was leaving behind. But, he also knew that they would be okay without him.”

  There wasn’t a dry eye in the entire church.

  “Love you, little brother. Until we meet again.” Uncle Wesley kissed his hand, and lifted it toward the sky.

  Aunt Marielle wasn’t able to speak after listening to her brother’s eulogy. She got up on the podium, smiled while forcing back her tears, and apologized before she stepped back down.

  The preacher asked me if I was ready to speak. I nodded.

  Getting up on the podium, I stared out at everyone, I saw so many loving faces. So many that were related, or worked with, or went to school with, or just knew him from the country club and played golf with my dad. They were all there for him.

  I cleared my throat.

  “When I went to sleep last night I dreamed of my dad. And when I woke up today, I found this under my pillow.” I held up a small piece of paper and read it aloud.

  There was sobbing, and laughing, and wailing and then quiet. I stepped down, wiping my face, and sat down beside my mother.

  “Thank you, baby,” she whispered, and leaned her head down on my shoulder. I took her hand and squeezed it.

  After his casket was lowered into the ground, every one met back at my parents’ house for a reception. And, just like any other “small gathering”, it was anything but. That was exactly how my dad would have wanted it. He wouldn’t have liked the idea of us sitting around, wearing black veils and sobbing in a room full of crumpled tissue.

  He would want this: a backyard full of life, celebrating his life. So, we did. We drank wine, and our glasses clinked to his name. We ate, and conversed. Just like he was actually here with us—well, in spirit anyway. I knew he would always be with me.

  ***

  We were going to spend a few more nights in Maine, before leaving to go back home to Wyoming. It didn’t take much to convince my mother to come with us, even if it was just for a short while.

  After everyone had left, we all fell asleep. Mom again, on the chaise. Alex snored softly, I watched him for a few moments, but I felt restless. I got out of bed, wrapped a robe around myself and cinched it at my waist.

  I crept outside, and sat on the grass in the front yard. Eventually, laying back and staring up at the stars. Normally, I wouldn’t dare do that…knowing what creepy
crawlies were probably under me. But tonight, I couldn’t care less.

  I laid there, connecting the constellations, and smiling while thinking about my dad being so high above the very same stars. I sat up on my elbows when I heard a car door gently close.

  Someone walked up the lawn in the darkness, and under the faint moon light, I saw who it is. I fell back down to the grass, exhaled and opened my mouth. “Sit down and stay awhile, why don’t ya.”

  “Grass still looks good, after all these years,” Dane said, sitting down beside me. “And so do you, of course.”

  “Not the time, Sullivan.”

  “Sorry about your dad, Riley. I actually wanted to talk to you sooner, but I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”

  “Oh no? Whatever gave you that impression?” I asked, cynically.

  He shifted down, and started to lay down.

  “Don’t lay down,” I whined.

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  He chuckled quietly. “Too late, I’m already down. I’m committed now. Besides this view is way better.”

  I elbowed him playfully.

  “How’s Isaac?”

  I exhaled. “He’s good. Well, sad. But, in regards to what happened to him—he’s actually okay. How are you?”

  “Ah fuck, you know me. I’m fine.”

  I snorted.

  “It’s funny, after all these years, I finally have you laying on the grass. Do you know how many times I wanted to just throw you down and nail you into the sod?”

  “You’re such an asshole.”

  Dane laughed softly. “That’s why you fell so hard, I know it.”

  I blinked, not sure of what to say.

  Dane cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just wanted to give my condolences, and make sure you were okay.”

  “What if I wasn’t?”

  “Well, I don’t know. I would have to fuck you into feeling better?”

  “You’ll never change. But thanks, regardless, for thinking of me.”