Just Julian

by Markus Harwood-Jones

  Finally, Julian let go, falling back into Romeo’s arms. Tears began to push up and out of him. He was no longer able to hold anything back. With Romeo holding him tightly, he found the memories and nightmares again. But this time he could say them out loud.

  “I-I just —” Julian struggled to put all his feelings into words. “When I tried to go to school . . . things just . . . they were hard. Every — everybody said my mom was a dyke. That she stole me. Or that she drove my dad away, or made him kill himself . . .” Julian choked on his words. “They told me to kill myself,” he said at last.

  Romeo said nothing. After a moment, as Julian took a few deep breaths, he found his words again. “Then . . . some of them started to follow me home. They’d call me names, throw stuff at me. Somebody even tried to run me down in the school parking lot!” Julian squeezed Romeo. If he held on, he wouldn’t get sucked back into those memories and the blank, empty pit that hung below them. “It was just brutal,” he managed, burying his head in Romeo’s chest.

  Julian felt dry, empty, and tired. “After all that,” he said with a sniffle, “I just didn’t want to go out anymore. I dropped out of school — out of life. I couldn’t even get out of bed.” Julian couldn’t look at Romeo as he told this part. But he couldn’t hold it back either. “Mom had to take time off work and take care of me. I was just this . . . broken thing. A burden. And when she wasn’t around, I was just alone.” Julian sighed, too tired to care about the anxiety or guilt anymore. “I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my friends. It just felt . . . impossible. Even just to answer the phone. And my cousin, he was locked up. I couldn’t even bring myself to leave the house and go see him. All I could do was write him letters sometimes. And even then, all I did was complain about my own life.” Julian clung to Romeo like a life-preserver in a stormy sea. “I felt like such a failure. And so selfish for pitying myself.” Finally, out of breath, he whispered, “I just wanted to die.”

  Romeo held Julian closely. He breathed into his hair and whispered back, “I’m glad you kept going. I’m glad you’re here now.”

  They began to kiss again. Julian felt raw, more exposed than he’d been in years — maybe more than he’d ever been. And Romeo was clearly nervous, unused to all this, but open, and wanting to be there. His kisses were messy, sometimes awkward, but he made up for it in passion, gripping at Julian’s hips and pulling him closer. Skin against skin, breath into breath, Julian fell into Romeo’s embrace and let the rest of the world fade away.

  Hands explored shoulders, backs arched and fell, their bodies pushed against each other. There was even some hair pulling. Julian wondered if he should stop what was happening before they went any further. Or maybe they should make a run to the condom jar?

  Finally, they pulled apart, breathing heavily. They paused to just look at each other. In the darkness, Julian found he could be seen, heard, held — all without judgement. Maybe this could work after all. Maybe he could finally let someone in.

  Exhausted, the pair curled up together. They held on to each other as if the world could slip away at any second. Julian wished he could just bottle up that moment and live in it forever.

  09

  What Is Love?

  “I’m fine, Mom, I’m fine!” Romeo protested. Julian groggily woke. He rolled over to see Romeo, still topless and half under the covers, speaking into his phone. “I know. I’m sorry . . .”

  Julian grinned and pushed himself up. He ran his fingers along Romeo’s exposed skin, making the hairs on Romeo’s neck stand up.

  Romeo started to blush and his voice wavered. “I-I-I have some errands to run.”

  Julian’s hands went exploring further. He began to kiss along Romeo’s neck, making him squirm.

  “I don’t know when I’ll be back. Maybe ten tonight?”

  Julian could hear the voice of a woman on the other end of the phone. She did not sound pleased.

  “Okay! Okay! I’ll be home for dinner! God!” Romeo managed, trying to wrap up the call. “I’ll talk to you later. Mom . . . Yeah of course. You too.” Romeo groaned. “I don’t want to say it. I’m in front of the guys!”

  Julian started to giggle.

  “Okay, okay! I love you too! Goodbye!” Romeo nearly shouted. He ended the call just in time, before Julian broke into a laughing fit. “Oh my God!” Romeo shouted, playfully pushing Julian off of him and back onto the bed.

  They skipped down the stairs for breakfast. Julian smiled with every step. “You know,” he mused, whipping up banana pancakes for their breakfast, “A part of me was worried you were just a good dream — that I’d wake up, and you’d be gone again.”

  Romeo grinned, plates and cutlery in his hands. “Well, here I am!”

  Julian snuck a quick kiss on Romeo’s cheek. “Yeah, here you are.”

  Chatting away, they spread peanut butter and jam on their pancakes, since there was no maple syrup in the house. Angie was nowhere in sight. Julian assumed she was back at work already, or maybe a planning meeting for whatever big political thing she was working on this week.

  “What should we do today?” Romeo asked. With sun pouring through the windows, Julian could tell it was going to be a beautiful day. Normally, no matter the weather, he would have found an excuse to stay inside. But with Romeo here, the outside world seemed more appealing.

  “How about we start with a walk?” Julian offered, as he cleared the dishes from the table. “My mom started this community garden in an old lot a couple streets over. We could go check it out.”

  Romeo grinned widely and nodded.

  As they stepped outside, Romeo looked around. Julian waited for him to say something about the boarded up house across the street, or the potholes along the road. Romeo was nice, but he’d probably never even been this far from his sheltered little cul-de-sac. “I think it’s beautiful here.” Romeo beamed at Julian, speaking with such sincerity that Julian started to feel his face grow hot in embarrassment.

  The community garden was starting to bloom. A few buds poked their way up through the wet soil. Romeo looked over the small lot with amazement. “You did this?” he asked.

  “Well, mostly my mom,” Julian assured him. “I helped a little . . . I guess.”

  An older woman was weeding. She raised her head to give a wary look at the two teenagers — and then she realized who it was.

  “Oh, Julian!” she called out. She gave him a big wave and a wide, toothy smile.

  Julian gave a shy wave back. “Hi, Summer!”

  “How’s your mother?!” The woman shouted her question, not pausing in her uprooting of unwanted bits of green and yellow.

  “Working hard, as always!” Julian answered.

  Summer gave a nod back, a tuft of grey hair falling from underneath her wide sunhat. “And who’s that with you?”

  “This is Romeo!” Julian sang out.

  At the same time, Romeo replied, “I’m Rome!”

  Summer scrunched up her nose and turned her head. “Well, which is it?”

  Romeo and Julian looked at one another and just shrugged.

  “All right . . .” she said, turning her sunhat down. “Well, you have a nice day now!”

  As they walked away, Romeo asked, “How old were you when your mom made the garden?”

  “I don’t know,” Julian shrugged. “Maybe eight or nine.”

  Romeo blushed and quickly kissed Julian’s cheek. “I’m just picturing you, playing in the dirt, helping plant those seeds. I bet you’ve always been cute.”

  They made their way around through alleys, admiring the clovers growing up between the cracks in the sidewalk, pausing to appreciate the graffiti on the backs of buildings. As they passed by the old cemetery, Romeo tripped, catching his foot on a hole in the sidewalk and falling face-first. Blushing wildly, he rushed to get up, while Julian reached down and offered a hand. Romeo turned an ev
en deeper shade of red as he accepted the offer. Even after Julian pulled him up, they didn’t let go.

  The backstreets eventually took them toward the nearest main road. They stopped for lunch at a diner, holding hands over the table as they sipped afternoon coffee. It was scary to be so public with their affection. But Julian found he was glancing over his shoulder less and less. His heart was beating a little more steadily too. Taking a deep breath, he studied Romeo’s face and marvelled at just how comfortable it felt to be so close to someone.

  “What’re you thinking right now?” Julian asked, sipping his tea.

  Romeo shrugged. Julian gave him a minute, and he admitted, “Well, it’s just . . . you know that feeling we have right now?” He looked down. “That feeling of, uh, falling for someone?”

  Julian gave a little smile. “Yeah?”

  “I mean, it’s just chemicals in our brain, right?” Romeo looked out the window, not seeming to focus on anything. “That’s what they said in school. Dopamine, and probably serotonin, making us think we’re in love.” He blushed at the word, adding, “Or whatever.”

  “So?” Julian ran a finger along Romeo’s palm.

  “So, I mean, if you think about it, love doesn’t really exist,” Romeo said. He looked serious, puzzled. “We just trick ourselves into thinking it does.”

  “I think people think too little of chemicals,” Julian replied. Romeo gave him a curious look. “I mean, if you think about it that way, every thought and emotion and idea anyone has ever had is just chemicals sloshing around in their brain. But even if that was true, why does that make it any less real?”

  Romeo shrugged, and Julian went on. “Personally, I think there’s more, too. Like, our brain is just a little part of it. We’ve got a heart, hands, a whole body. And other people’s bodies!” Julian raised an eyebrow, making Romeo blush. “And all kinds of stuff that science can’t explain. Like, my mom’s a witch, right? So she’s taught me about magic, souls, spirits, all kinds of different rituals, spells, meditations, and medicines. But even if you want to say all that stuff is chemicals too, so what? The whole universe is made up of tiny little atoms and electrons and who-knows-what!” Julian grinned. “Isn’t that what makes it amazing?”

  “You’re brilliant, you know that?” Romeo asked with a smile.

  Tracing his fingers up Romeo’s arm, Julian replied with a wink. “Probably just my brain chemicals.”

  They spent their afternoon at the diner, slowly sipping their hot drinks. Eventually, the pair made their way home, walking along the busy street and peering into the shops. Julian was just pointing the way back to his house when there was the sharp sound of car tires and a loud voice calling out to them. The words were gone too fast for Julian to hear. But the anger, disgust, and threat in the voice were clear enough.

  Romeo jumped and took off running. He yanked Julian down the street at a shocking speed, heading away from the car and toward Julian’s street. Within a minute or so, they were heading up Julian’s steps. But even after the door was firmly locked behind them, Romeo was bent double, breathing heavily, and his hands were shaking. “Hey, hey,” Julian said, his own voice trembling. His heart pounded in his head, but he took a deep breath. “We’re safe now.”

  Romeo hit himself in the head and shouted, “I’m so stupid!”

  “What?” Julian asked. “Why?”

  Romeo didn’t say anything. His silence was its own answer. This was it, Julian was sure of it. This had all been too good to be true. Now Romeo would leave, and Julian would be all alone, again.

  Julian looked down, dejected. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, unsure what else to say.

  Romeo finally looked up. “No. It’s my fault. It’s just that . . . that used to be me. Pretty recently.”

  This time, it was Julian who pulled away. Every mean-spirited remark, every cruel whisper ever thrown in his direction, raced through his mind. Julian was struck with a frightening realization. Romeo had admitted to hanging out with homophobes. But it was more than that, wasn’t it? He was one of them. “Goddess,” Julian whispered. Was Romeo just another bigoted bully? Was he just working out his homophobia, using Julian as his test subject?

  Eventually, Romeo stood. “I should go.”

  Julian asked, on the edge of crying. “So that’s it?”

  Romeo looked back at Julian, tears in his eyes. “I’ll be back. I promise.”

  10

  Backstab

  “It’ll just be a couple of hours,” said Lyla. “You can come, right?”

  Julian held the phone in one hand while he chewed on the thumbnail of the other. Holed up in his room, he stared at a blank document sitting open on his computer. He was trying to force himself to start the make-up assignment for his online class.

  “Please,” Lyla begged. “I miss you, Julian.”

  He sighed. How could he say no to that? “Fine. Sure. Yes,” Julian replied, closing the laptop. “When should I be there?”

  “Well, Ty’s going to get the stuff with Harvey around three . . .” Lyla began.

  Julian’s stomach tightened. “Ty’s gonna be there?”

  “Yeah!” Lyla replied. “Harvey too. You’ve met him, right?”

  Julian hadn’t had a chance to get to know Ty’s partner yet. “Mhm,” was all Julian could think to say.

  “Fabulous,” said Lyla. “Ty and Harvey are picking up Rose and her stuff, around three. So if you want you could come by around four. Maybe four-thirty?”

  Julian was only half listening. The sound of his pounding heart filled his head. Before he could say anything more, there was a sound on the other side of the line.

  “Oh! Come on in!” Lyla called out. “Guy’s here,” she explained to Julian. “And he’s early! And he’s got food!” Julian could hear the faint voice of Guy saying something about leftovers from the diner. “I’ll see you later!” Lyla chirped. And then she was gone.

  Julian sat in his room, sulking. Ty and Lyla, at once? They were the two people who used to be his closest confidants. Now both felt like people he barely knew. “Great,” he mumbled to himself. “Maybe I can disappoint them both at once.”

  ***

  Julian stood at the door to Lyla’s apartment, staring down the rainbow sticker below the peephole. “This’ll be over soon enough,” he said to himself. “How long can it really take to move a few boxes?”

  He checked his phone. It had been a little less than a day since he’d seen Romeo. But all he could think of was how much he wanted them to be back in bed together, curled up, safe and sound. The thought calmed his heart a little, long enough for him to take a deep breath and knock.

  It was Guy who opened the door, but he wasn’t wearing his usual wry grin. He ushered Julian inside. His brows were tight and he said little as he led Julian into the living room before heading to the kitchenette.

  “And that’s when he tackled me,” Ty said to Lyla. Ty’s partner Harvey was at his side, pressing an ice pack to the back of Ty’s head, resting his spare hand on Ty’s shoulder.

  Lyla barely glanced at Julian. She motioned for him to sit down.

  “Hey, Jules,” Ty said. He managed a small smile in Julian’s direction. Harvey gave Julian a little wave.

  Julian looked around the room and then back at Ty. “What happened?”

  “They got jumped!” Guy called out from the kitchen.

  “What?!”

  “We didn’t get jumped,” Ty corrected. “There was . . . an altercation.” He was clearly choosing his words carefully.

  Julian raised a brow and waited, hoping for a more detailed explanation.

  With a sigh, Ty recounted his story. “Harvey and I were driving over to Rose’s old place — over near Southdale? And I was going by the high school out there.”

  Julian nodded, following so far.

  “So I saw a couple guys,” Ty c
ontinued. “Guys I recognized. They had on those jackets — same ones those ’phobes wore to Lyla’s thing on Friday.”

  Julian’s stomach tightened.

  “I knew it was them.” Ty scowled. “I’d seen those guys before that, too, when they threw shit at me and Harvey from a car a week or so back. So, I guess, I was pretty pissed off. And I pulled over. I don’t know what I thought I was gonna do. Talk to them, I guess.” He shrugged. “But before I could say anything, they must have recognized me, too. They started shouting shit at me, trying to start a fight.”

  Ty looked up at Harvey. “It was just a waste of time, and we knew it. They just wanted to rile us up. We were just about to leave when one of them called us . . .” Ty sighed. “Fags.” He spoke the word in a quiet, harsh tone.

  “And then what?” Julian asked. “Did you hit him?”

  Ty gave him a sad look. “Julian . . .” he said.

  Julian’s heart sank. He looked down, embarrassed he’d even asked. This was Ty! Sweet and good-natured, his sometimes babysitter, his storyteller, the link to Julian’s father — he was family! But at the same time, looking at him now, Julian couldn’t help but notice that Ty had changed. He was older than the version Julian held in his memories, and more serious. There was even a scar down the side of one cheek that Julian swore he hadn’t had before. He wasn’t so sure he knew this version of his cousin.

  “They hit first,” Ty sighed. “We had to defend ourselves.”

  Guy called out again. “It was three on one!” He spoke like a sports announcer. But Julian couldn’t find it funny.

  “You said it was just a couple?” Julian asked.

  “Another guy came out of nowhere!” Ty replied. “Harvey was keeping one off my back, while I got a swing in on the other.” Ty held up his hand, showing a gash on his knuckles. “But then the third one just tackled me!” He motioned to the icepack still on the back of his head. “He knocked me down — hard, too. After that, Harvey got me up and out of there. And we came right back here.”

  “Do you think you should see a doctor?” offered Lyla.