Impulse

by Lass Small

  “Oh.” She was curious, “Did we?”

  “I suppose it’s best to just give you a utilitarian lesson this morning. You’re going to have to work up to my more elaborate ways. Lie still and be quiet. This will be basic.”

  It was a quarter to nine before the basic was finished, and Chas still had to shower and dress. So he didn’t have breakfast before he went to take Connie to the doctor.

  “Want me to wait for breakfast?”

  “No, we’ll take a drive-through order and eat on the way. This might take a while.” He leaned and kissed Amy.

  “Good luck to her.”

  “I’ll tell her.” He paused as he looked at her for a strange minute. Then he smiled at her, a different kind of smile, before he leaned to give her a brief, hurried kiss. And he was gone.

  Amy bathed slowly. She was tired. She called room service and ordered a perfect breakfast of eggs, bacon, pancakes, milk, tea and toast with jam. Then she dressed.

  With the party the night before, the only Cougars out were the kids. They’d probably been thrown out of their parents’ rooms to wear themselves out before the wedding so they’d sit still then. On impulse, Amy went up to Sally’s room and tapped with one discreet fingernail. It wouldn’t be too loud for someone sleeping, but Sally would hear it if she was awake.

  When Sally opened the door, Amy was struck by how different she looked. Amy almost didn’t recognize her! Without thinking, Amy said, “You look marvelous!”

  “I feel marvelous. We are fitting that miserable dress one more time in just a few minutes. Why not come along and talk to me and keep me company?”

  “Sure.” Amy agreed to that readily enough, but then she said uncomfortably, “About the green dress...”

  “I understand. And, Amy, don’t louse up with Chas. He’s a special man. Don’t be as stupid as the rest of us. Stay the way you are. I believe I don’t have to draw any pictures for you. You do understand me?”

  Amy simply stared.

  Sally went slowly around the room, thinking, then she picked up her white lace veil. “Connie was with me when I got this from our Aunt Karen. It’s been in the family forever. We left her place and giggled and laughed and chortled about me wearing a white veil.

  “I find, after last night, that my attitude toward this marriage is quite different.” She looked up at Amy. “And oddly enough, it was Chas seeing you in that green dress, and being so furious, that started it off.

  “Tad and I went out on the beach and talked. We’ve known each other since college, and we have had no secrets. But after last night, our lives are going to be very different than I thought. We talked about how we look at life and what we want from it, and how we want our children to be. Different from us.

  “We are really committed to this marriage. We talked about so many things. Tad and I want the same things. And it was Chas and how he feels about you that opened this all up.

  “But, Amy, it was you who made Chas behave in the way he did last night. I’ve seen him with women and he’s always been sure they were treated right, but what they did was their own business. I’ve never seen him as mad at a woman as he was with you last night. What you do is very important to Chas. I believe he loves you.”

  “No!”

  Sally watched her very seriously. “Be careful of him. He’s too good a man to cheat. We are all astonished he moved in with you. There is something very important happening. If you are attracted to him at all, pay attention.”

  Amy moved restlessly and flung out her arms, “I want a man’s life. They have it all. I’m no different. I’m as smart, as innovative. I want to be involved in all the moving and shaping. To sample as I’m attracted. To be— ”

  Sally interrupted seriously but softly, “To be a damned fool?”

  Amy protested, “You say that now. You’ve had it all!”

  “I wish, when I was standing in your shoes all those years ago, someone would have said to me what I’m saying now to you.”

  Amy frowned. “If your family is anything like mine, they did.”

  Sally was silent before she said, “They did.”

  “You might have married years ago and you would never have found Tad. Now you both know what you want. You’ll have a good, solid marriage.”

  “Men rarely marry party girls. At my age women are beginning to realize they don’t have a lot of time left to marry and have children. Some don’t want children. They’d rather have careers. But most of them want husbands. So they let a man move in with them, in foolish trial marriages.”

  Sally then questioned, “Why should a man marry such a woman? Then the man moves out and marries a younger woman and has children. So the discarded woman— and she does feel discarded— tries another. And another. And marries just to marry if she can find a man who is willing by then. I’ve seen it. It was looming for me. Sexual freedom is a field day...for men. Pay attention.”

  Amy was disgusted. “Of all people, I wouldn’t think you’d be talking this way.”

  “There’s nothing more convinced than a reformed woman. Listen to me.” She ruffled Amy’s hair, then she exclaimed, “The fitting! We’ve got to go.”

  Amy replied, “I need to think.”

  “Do. That’s something I was a long time getting around to doing. I’ll see you later.”

  They parted outside Sally’s door, and Amy saw it was almost eleven. Chas should be back. She needed to look at him. To see him, and not just how he looked. She went to the stairwell and walked down to the third floor. Surely a woman could live like a man. It just took discretion and style. It didn’t have to be tawdry or public. It could be done with flair. It depended on the woman.

  She dawdled along the third-floor balcony above the garage access, and eventually saw Chas and Connie coming from the parking area. Connie? It was Connie! She glowed!

  It was as if God had put a funnel in her ear and poured in a gallon of sunshine and the light had flowed like honey through her body to imbue every nerve and cell, even down to the ends of her hair! Incredible! Amy simply stared.

  Like two of the fabled gods, Chas and Connie spotted Amy and waved to her with big, bright smiles. And Matt was running toward them. He ignored Chas to take Connie’s shoulders in his hands and shake her a little. Since sound rises, Amy heard him demand of her, “Where did you go? What have you been doing?”

  Chas split off past them to come to stand two floors below Amy. He said softly, “It’s okay. Come down. I’ll meet you on the stairs.”

  Amy glanced again at Matt and Connie. Connie was relaxed and smiling gently, but she was shaking her head. Matt was arguing with her, angry, demanding replies. She did answer, but her manner was very calm. Matt’s gestures were wide and he was talking through his teeth. Connie was unperturbed. Frowning, Amy turned toward the stairwell, but Chas was already there. She asked him, “What happened?”

  “A rare allergy to her depilatory on very sensitive tissue. Something she never had trouble with before. A fluke, but a painful rash.”

  “And she’s all right?”

  “Fine. They ran tests to be sure. And they’ve made her comfortable. The doctor was an older man, who still believes in Saturday appointments and house calls, and he also believes in lectures.” Chas paused and grinned. “He included me.” That made him laugh. He was so amused and talkative that he’d obviously been very worried about his cousin, and he was relieved for her.

  Amy exclaimed, “All that worry! Over nothing?”

  “Ah, but, Amy, it was possible. She had cause. I believe she’s reformed.”

  “I’m surrounded!” Amy retorted petulantly.

  “Who else is reformed? I’m not.”

  “You wouldn’t be! But Sally is!”

  “Who? Sally? Our cousin, Sally? You josh!”

  “Yes. She is!”

  “That wouldn’t just be a reformation, it would be a transformation!”

  “She gave me a lecture.”

  “I’d give an eyetooth to have hea
rd that!” His tone scoffed.

  “She told me you are a good man.”

  His green eyes came to her blue ones suddenly serious. “She told you that? She’s on my side in this?”

  “In what?”

  “Uh...you may not have noticed, Amy, but I’m attracted to you.”

  Without concealing her impatience, she informed him, “You first saw me Thursday morning on the beach. This is Saturday morning. That is two days’ time. This is a brief interlude. It would never have happened if you hadn’t been attracted. It has no other meaning.

  “This is a very micro period in our lives. I leave to...Tuesday.” She’d almost said “tomorrow.” “We’ll go our separate ways. I’ve told you my life is such that I can’t include any meetings or continue this acquaintance.”

  “Acquaintance? You call this an acquaintance? What do you call a relationship?”

  “Something a lot longer in time, with some mutual regard.”

  “Our regard is mutual.”

  She looked at him almost painfully as she admitted, “You are a special man. I’m glad you’re my first.” Her eyes were sad and her tone worse.

  He touched her cheek and his voice was reedy as he told her, “We’ll talk about this on Monday when everyone is gone and we’ve had a decent night’s sleep. When there are no crises to distract us.”

  With sad deliberation, she agreed, “Monday should solve everything.” She thought she was being clever with her honest wordage, and those words would stop any more arguments.

  How could she stay? She was there under false pretenses. She would have to go away from there and leave Chas forever. To avoid continuing on that difficult subject, Amy then said, “I must buy a gift for Sally and Tad.”

  “You’re giving all of us the gift of you as a new cousin. That’s enough.”

  She blushed with guilt. “I need to find a gift.”

  “I’ve included you on mine. I got them a silver punch bowl with tray and twenty-four silver cups. Cougars entertain quite a bit. Her older sister gets the family one, so Sally will have to have another. We’ve solved that.”

  “Do you entertain a lot?”

  “Yes. Business. Family. I have some very good friends. You will like them, and they’ll go a little berserk over you. They’ll think you’re a princess I’ve snared with golden apples and a unicorn.”

  Chas thought he’d snared her? He still didn’t even suspect she’d set up this whole seduction? He was an innocent. He may have tried a woman or two, but basically he was an innocent.

  If he felt that way, in leaving him she would hurt him. Why couldn’t he be more experienced so they could just enjoy this holiday? Laugh over her trickery? And part with cheery goodbyes? It was his possessive attitude that was making her so miserable over leaving.

  He said, “You treat me differently than a woman treats a man.”

  Amy asked, “How?”

  Chas considered before he said, “More as an... equal, or a friend.”

  “I am your equal. And I have been friendly.”

  He inquired, “How equal?”

  “Whatever you can do in the business world, I can equal it in some way. Of course that’s if you are management. I can’t chop down as many trees in a day, but I probably could chop enough down to keep a house warm, given enough time for it.”

  Chas was charmed. “Competitive little rascal.”

  “Not competitive as much as equal. There is a difference. I don’t want to stand in your place, I want to stand beside you with equal authority.”

  His voice gentle, Chas told her, “Any good businessman knows someone must take command. Defused authority confuses. Power struggles weaken and disperse authority. Equality is a very difficult thing to actually achieve, even for a man. For a young and pretty woman, it’s damned near impossible. How important is your career?”

  “I find it fascinating. However, it’s always a struggle until the men I work with take me seriously. Or will at least listen to what I say without seeing me first as a woman.”

  “I’m not sure there’s much hope for change there. Men first see women as women. No one denies women have that handicap in business. But eventually, if the woman is skilled, men will see the skill next.”

  Amy said, “You admit that.”

  “I’m honest. I’ve told you so, and I will never lie to you.”

  She looked away from him, out over the complex. Her heart bore the weight of her own lie. She saw no way to mend it.

  Quite gently he said, “I’m starved. Come, let’s eat.”

  * * *

  Amy decided the gloom that settled over her was from having so little sleep. These last few days had been quite different from anything she’d ever experienced.

  In all her life, she had never been involved with so many people for such an extended period of time. The stories and connections, the problems and quarrels, the hilarity and sheer weight of words were almost overwhelming.

  And then there was Chas.

  In her, he had wakened and sated hungers that she’d never known existed. And the lassitude of her body was different. The awareness of it was unusual. There was the almost driving need to be close to him, to touch him even in public. To have a hand on his arm. To feel his voice inside her chest in a strange way.

  In such a short time, she had heard too much, witnessed too much and felt too much. She was exhausted from her uncharted voyage into the emotional experience of being a part of something so extraordinary. And then there was not only her awareness of Chas, but there was her feeling for him.

  It was frivolous to suspect her feeling for him could be anything close to actual love. Love never happened in such a short time. She’d known him, been aware of him, only since she registered in the lobby just three days ago, on Wednesday night.

  But look at all that had happened in that short time! It was almost as if she’d had a complex seminar on family ties and sexual conduct in a weirdly condensed time warp, with the minutes folded back on themselves and packed tightly with more than enough alien experience.

  Perhaps people could learn a foreign language in one week. She’d never believed it possible. It would only depend on how it was offered. Like the Short, Comprehensive Cougar Seminar in Familial Relationships.

  And then there was Chas with his expertise. She had been so grateful he had been her first. Perhaps she was wrong in that gratitude. Perhaps if she’d had someone not quite so superior, so skilled, so attractive, this experience wouldn’t be turning so painful.

  Ah. So. Amy was now admitting that it wasn’t Chas’s pain that occupied her concern, it was her own. She would hate to leave him. She was anguished with the thought of never seeing him again. How had she ever gotten into this fix? Affairs were light, delightful, titillating fun. What had gone wrong?

  It had started with a lie. Without that lie, she might salvage something from this in just knowing Chas. Even if she didn’t continue the affair, she would like to know him and what happened to him. Whom he married. What his kids would be like. How they would look. If his wife liked him.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “What?”

  “You’re not eating. And now you have tears on your cheeks. What’s wrong?”

  She smiled and straightened. Then she used that same excuse again. Only this time it was true. “I’m a little overwhelmed by your family. I’ve never been around so many people. I had worried about Connie, and I’m so relieved she’s okay. I’m worn out with all the emotion.”

  “We’ll go up and take a nap.”

  “I believe I’d like to be alone for a while.”

  “You go up and take a nap. I’ll see how I can be helpful for tonight’s arrangements.”

  “Thank you, Chas.” She felt awkward. “It isn’t that I don’t want to be with you or...”

  “I do understand.” He touched her hand. “I’ll come up in a couple of hours to waken you, so you’ll be ready in time for the wedding. Take a good deep bath, but don’t
go to sleep in the tub.”

  She smiled. “I won’t.” He kissed her. She smiled up at him again and said, “Goodbye.”

  * * *

  After they’d separated, she walked along to the elevator, thinking how odd it had been for her to say goodbye that way. Suddenly she knew she had to leave then.

  The goodbye may have been her subconscious telling her to go and leave, nothing could be gained by staying any longer. If she stayed even another day, her heart could be so entangled with foolish love for Chas that she’d really suffer.

  Wasn’t she suffering now?

  Yes, but another day would make it that much worse. She went to their suite, figured up her half of the bill and put the cash on the table.

  Then Amy sat down and wrote a note. She wrote ten notes. She used two pages with all the crossed scratches each page could endure, and she labored over the words so that she got a dreadful headache.

  She finally made do with:

  Goodbye. I must confess I’m no kin at all. My grandmother’s name wasn’t Winsome. I’m sorry I used you so crassly. I hope I haven’t ruined your opinion of all women. There are some very fine women. You’re a fine man, and the woman who marries you will be very, very fortunate!

  After some frustrated anguishing, she again wrote:

  Goodbye.

  She read it over several times, not really paying any attention. She was exhausted emotionally and not too well organized. She added:

  Please tell Sally I was called away. Thank you.

  She refrained from writing yet another goodbye.

  It was no trick at all to pack. She had kept things quite organized. That was probably a good thing, considering the state she was in. So she gathered what was hers, cast long, sad glances at his things, and she ran a lingering hand slowly over his jacket sleeve. She put her door card with the note and money, and she left.

  Remarkably, she encountered no one. Of course, she sneaked downstairs, took the hidden walks and went through the most obscure halls, out to the other side of the buildings and to her car. She got in and drove away.

  It was over.

  Her first affair was over. She wished she’d never launched herself on such a stupid, hurtful thing. It wasn’t as attractive as she thought it would be. It wasn’t all fun. Affairs weren’t casual. They were a serious undertaking that interfered with other lives.