Silent Song

by Jaci Wheeler

  “Presley? Hi.”

  “You remember me?”

  “Of course. You having car trouble?”

  “Oh, um, no, I was actually hoping I could talk to you. I hope it’s okay that I just showed up like this.”

  “Of course it is. Why don’t you come back to my office? Chris, hold all my calls, okay? Once you finish writing up Mr. Forester’s order, can you call Gene and let him know I’m going to need him early tomorrow? I have to get the Chevy out of here by noon at the latest.”

  “Sure thing, boss. Nice to meet you, Presley.”

  “Thanks. You too.”

  I follow Randy back into a smaller office. A window takes up an entire wall and you can see right into the garage, where there’s one guy working on a red car.”

  “It helps me keep an eye on what’s going on when I’m stuck in here. Please sit down. How can I help you, Presley?”

  “Actually, I feel a little weird coming here like this, especially since I don’t really know him that well, but I was worried about Barrett. I um, well, I heard about Codi, and I just wanted to tell you how horribly sorry I am, and to see how Barrett is doing, and if I can help at all.”

  Just mentioning Codi seems to take everything out of Randy. He sighs and loses his smile.

  “That’s very sweet of you, honey. The truth of it is, B isn’t doing so hot right now. I’m very worried about him, and I wish there was something you could do, but I just don’t think there’s anything that can be done. He’s in a very dark place right now, sweetheart, and I have no clue what to do for him.”

  “I’m so sorry to hear that. I heard that he broke his hand and a few fingers?”

  “Yeah, worst thing that could happen to him after…well…everything. He’s like a caged tiger right now with no outlet. He can’t drive, can’t sign, not that he would, even if he was able to right now. He’s kept to himself and won’t come out of his room. I can’t get him to eat or even talk to me.”

  “Can he? Talk, I mean.” He looks at me skeptically and I’m quick to add, “I only ask because some of the kids I work with can’t. Signing is their only form of communication. I was worried that he wouldn’t have the means to communicate now.”

  “Well, can he? Yes, he is able. Barrett didn’t go fully deaf until he was six. That’s his story to tell if he wants, but he had speech before that. Of course, now that he can’t hear and going so long without sound, you lose a lot of that. He used to get teased something awful, so he stopped talking to anyone but Codi and I. But he won’t even talk to me right now. I just don’t know what to do. I feel as though I’ve lost both of my nephews in one swoop.” He looks close to tears and I have no clue what to do, so I place my hand on top of his.

  “I’d like to try and talk to him, if I can. I have no clue what I’ll say, to be honest, but I don’t think anyone should go through something like this alone and without an outlet. Would it be okay if I see him? I brought some food,” I add lamely.

  “Well, that was thoughtful of you. I can’t say that I’m much of a cook, so nothing I’ve made has enticed him much to eat. Maybe you can do that, at least.”

  “I can try.”

  “I have a few more things to finish up here. Barrett was one of my best guys, with him out it has me scrambling a bit. But once I tie a few things up, I can take you over to the house and come back to close. He’s staying with me for a while.” That’s all he says, but I’m guessing there’s a lot more to that story. According to Brian, the boys lived with their dad. Their mom has been gone for a few years, and Brian didn’t have anything good to say about their dad.

  “I’ll wait for you out front. Take your time.”

  I’m not one for being idle, and when I offered to help out, Chris jumped at the chance. He handed me a stack of receipts to be filed, and once that was done, he mentioned being low on supplies, so with a list and supply catalog, I am happily ordering away when Randy finds me.

  “Seriously, Chris? You put her to work?!”

  “Dude, she offered, and when do we ever turn anyone down willing to work around here? Just taking my cues from the boss man.” Chris shoots me another wink and a wide smile, then opens a drawer and takes out a Snickers bar. “I always pay my debts. Chicks dig chocolate, right? Here you go, darling.” He tosses me the candy bar, and I’m not going to lie, I’m perfectly happy getting paid in junk food. I tear it open and take a bite. Even though it was a semi-sexist comment, I’m not going to balk because I do indeed dig chocolate.

  “Win-win for sure.”

  “I knew you were my kind of people. You are welcome back here anytime, love.”

  “Don’t mind Christopher, he doesn’t know how to breathe without flirting. You ready to go?”

  “Yep. Chris, take it easy, dude.” I give him a fist bump, which was something he had to show me how to “blow up” earlier. Randy rolls his eyes and follows me out the door.

  “You want to follow in your car or do you want a ride?”

  “All the food is in my car, so it just makes sense to follow, that way you don’t have to bring me back later.” He gives me a salute and gets into his truck. I follow him out of the industrial area to a small suburb. I’m a bit surprised when he pulls up to a small little cottage style home. It screams family, and as far as I know, Barrett’s uncle is a confirmed bachelor. Randy hops out of his truck and opens my car door.

  “I need to get back to the shop if you think you’re okay here?” He looks worried and exhausted, and my heart instantly feels for him. I place my hand on his arm and give him a smile.

  “Of course, I appreciate you taking the time to bring me here. He will be okay, Randy, I know this is a horrible time, but you guys will get through it together. Even though he probably can’t tell you, I’m sure he really appreciates all you’ve done for him.” He tears up but doesn’t say anything.

  “I doubt I’ll still be here by the time you get home, so there will be a lasagna and soup in the fridge, and I’ll leave the brownies on the counter. Make sure you have a good dinner tonight, okay?”

  “Bless you, child.” He kisses the top of my head, then hops in his truck and pulls out. I stand on the porch for a good five minutes before I can talk myself into going inside. Here goes nothing.

  CHAPTER 14

  Barrett

  Dark, silent, pain. These three words describe my entire existence lately. I don’t know what time or day it is, and I don’t even pretend to care. My life ended two weeks ago, and I refuse to go on pretending that it didn’t. I lost my family, my identity, and my purpose all in one horrible night. I’ve never been anything but Codi’s older brother. Everything I did, everything I am was for him. Without him, I am nothing. Have nothing. So, I lay here in the dark and I exist. I sleep and I exist.

  I continue to fade in and out of sleep without caring about the passing time. I wake up on and off, and then fade back into the black. However, this time when I wake I can instantly tell I’m not alone. Sometimes Randy will be sitting at the desk watching me with his pain-filled, guilt-ridden eyes, and I can’t stand to look, so I force myself back to sleep. Randy isn’t in the chair however, and I highly doubt it’s him who is spooned beside me. I’m being held from behind, cradled, and it’s the first time in weeks I don’t want to be alone. I take comfort in the strange warmth, even though I don’t deserve it. I allow myself this weak moment. A selfish moment of not even caring who is giving the comfort. I need it, so I take it without question. I don’t even bother looking who it is when I snuggle in deeper and let myself drift off to the subtle smell of lemon.

  I awake again. I have no clue how long it’s been, but the person is still there. By the scent and light gentle touch, I know it’s a female. She smells sweet, feels warm, and is rubbing my hair like my mom used to do. Just the thought brings hot tears to my eyes, and I let anger take over so I don’t feel so vulnerable. I throw the hand off my head and I sit up, glaring over at Presley. I’m not even shocked when I see it’s her. I don’t bother a
sking why she is there. I just give her a look that clearly says she isn’t wanted. She has the nerve to smile shyly back. She leans over and kisses my forehead, then stands up and exists the room, leaving me in pure shock.

  She comes back only minutes later carrying a tray with soup, water, and crackers. She sets it down on the desk, then looks at my hands and frowns. I refuse to follow her sight. I hate the look of my casts. They are an ugly reminder of how frail the body is. Of my limitations and of my silent prison. With them I am trapped inside my mind. Unable to express myself, even if I could. Luckily, I have no desire to, so I sit and stare back at her in defiance.

  “Eat. Know you not hungry. Need eat anyway.” Her signing has gotten better. And she’s still here. She doesn’t run off scared by my hostility like everyone else. I look down at my casted hands. Useless. This body is utterly useless. In one sweeping motion I use my cast to shatter the bowl and send the soup flying across the room and cover the wall. She says nothing, but leaves the room. I feel both relief and utter despair upon her exit.

  Less than five minutes later, my light is turned back on and I glare up at the intrusion again. What is wrong with this chick? Can’t she tell she isn’t wanted? My mouth falls open at the sight of her carrying yet another plate of food. She is the most stubborn, forceful person I’ve ever met. Why won’t she just leave? Instead of leaving, she takes advantage of my open mouth, walks right up to me, and shoves a forkful of lasagna right in. I about choke on it, both in disbelief and in defiance. But it’s good. It’s better than good…it’s the best thing I’ve ever had. It probably helps that I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten. My body doesn’t seem to care that I’m done living. It wants another bite. I try to stay strong, but she isn’t having it. She just shoves another forkful in, this time I’m ready for it so I don’t choke. She smiles smugly, then puts the plate down.

  “Thank you. Need eat you. Randy worried. Randy care about you. Eat. For him.”

  She then picks the plate back up and holds out another bite. This time in question, letting me make the decision. I hate that I can hardly feed myself, but I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. So, I open my mouth, bite after bite. I chew and swallow. She’s right. I’m not being fair to my uncle. He’s had nothing but loss in his life as well, and having to worry about me on top of it all is selfish on my part. The food lodges in my throat and turns to stone in my stomach.

  “Tell you how sorry and how horrible not. Nothing say me help you. Know.” Her face is filled with so much understanding and compassion that I want to ask her who she lost, but of course I say nothing. I’m a selfish asshole and I know it, but I can’t be pulled away from my pain and into someone else’s, not right now. “Nothing say me. Nothing help feel better you.” It’s the first time someone has voiced the real truth. Not just offered their apologies and said how much this sucks. She’s right. There’s nothing that can be done, and just hearing it, hearing that someone actually gets it, helps just the slightest bit.

  “Cook, be here can me.” She sits down next to me on the bed and grabs my hand. “Scream, throw, break things you. Fine. Clean mess me. But need do something, Barrett. Need more than sleep you. Sign can’t. Drive can’t. Understand me. Scream, break things can. Need get emotion out you.” I pick my phone up off the dresser and I painfully type out every word with my pointer finger. The only two fingers I didn’t break are my pointer and thumb on my left hand, making it possible to still text…possible, but not easy, and certainly not fast.

  Barrett: People scream, throw things to release pain. Hearing how broken feel them help. But can’t help me. Can’t hear pain. Can’t feel full impact with silent screams.

  I finally get the text out and I hand the phone to her. Admitting that to someone leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable, but she put herself on the line today by coming here, knowing I would most likely reject her, but she stayed anyway.

  She reads the text, not bothering to school her reaction. It isn’t pity I see, which is what I was expecting. An understanding flits across her face and then a moment later resolve. She sets my phone down and nods once in understanding. She just looks at me a moment, then comes to some realization as she stands up and turns on the radio. She puts it on something with a lot of bass and turns it up loud enough that I can feel it. I’m not sure why though until she kneels down in front of me and places my casted hands on her shoulders, causing me to lean down right in her face. Then she signs one word.

  “Scream.” My confusion is clearly all over my face because she smiles sadly.

  “Right say you. Hear can’t. Help pain not. Let me take the pain for you. Let me hear the pain for you. Scream. It won’t be for nothing. Productive will. Give me your pain. Take it me can.” She then looks up with watery eyes and nods once at me. I don’t even think about it, I just open my mouth and let all the pain, frustration, and torture I’ve been feeling explode from me. I scream until my throat feels like it’s going to bleed. I scream out my guilt. My anger. My utter despair, they come flying out of my mouth and this selfless girl absorbs it all. She doesn’t flinch and turn away, or wince from the sound of my voice. She doesn’t move a muscle, never taking her eyes from mine. The tears trail down her face, mirroring my own.

  I’ve never believed in love at first sight. I’ve never felt an instant connection like people are always talking about. To me, that type of understanding, that type of deep connection can only be made through time and experience. Yet right now in this moment we share a connection deeper than I even knew was possible. I’ve just shared my soul with her and she accepted all of my pain and ugliness. Someone she doesn’t even know. She’s taken it on without cause or benefit. We just shared something deeper than I thought was possible, all without words and barely even any contact. When I’m hoarse and physically drained, I lean my head on her shoulder and cry. I cry until I can’t breathe, I cry until I have nothing left in me, and she holds me, crying with me, and doing exactly as she promised. She absorbs my pain.

  CHAPTER 15

  Presley

  I wake up feeling disoriented and sore. I look around, trying to figure out where I am and why I can’t move my arm. Then it all hits me at once when I look down and see Barrett curled up, laying on my arm. He cried himself dry and then fell asleep in my arms, and from the looks of things, I fell asleep too. I couldn’t leave him. He looked like he was finally able to find some kind of peace, even in the smallest form last night, and the fact that he let me share that with him humbles me. I slowly try to move my arm but he is solid and it won’t budge. He seems to be sleeping soundly but if I stay where I am another second, I’m going to wet this bed, so I push him slightly while wrenching my arm from him. He doesn’t even move, and if it wasn’t for his warm breath, I’d think he was gone. I smile down at his sleeping form and make my way to what I hope is a bathroom down the hall. My bladder is about to explode.

  After I wash my hands, I look up and almost gasp at my appearance. I wash my face with cold water and run my fingers through my hair. I find the toothpaste in the cabinet above the sink and try to brush my teeth the best I can with my finger. I open the door and scream.

  “It’s a good thing Barrett is deaf and I have a good heart. Jesus, girl, you just scared ten years off my life,” Randy says as he clutches a hand to his chest.

  “Crap, I’m so sorry, Randy. I wasn’t expecting to see you there.”

  “Shouldn’t that be my line? This is my house, right?” he asks, looking around comically. It makes me giggle.

  “It is. I’m sorry for the intrusion. I wasn’t expecting to stay, but he had a rough night and wanted me to stay, I hope you don’t mind.”

  I can tell he wants to say something but whatever it is he’s holding back. We might as well get it all on the table.

  “Let me grab my purse and text my roommate so she doesn’t flip out. Then I’ll meet you in the kitchen. If you have fresh coffee I might even make you breakfast.” His face lights up and he wastes no time hea
ding to the kitchen.

  As expected, Jodi had several texts waiting for me, but she assumed I was still here. I sent her a quick text updating her, and then I make my way to the kitchen.

  “Do you mind?” I ask, Randy pointing to his fridge.

  “Help yourself, although I’m not sure you will be able to make anything from what’s in there. I need to find time to go to the store.

  “How does an omelet sound?”

  “Like heaven. How do you take your coffee?”

  “As strong as possible.”

  “No cream or sugar?”

  “And taint it? Never.”

  He laughs and hands me a steaming cup of amazing smelling coffee. He might not keep much food in the house, but he has good taste in coffee. I tell him so and he chuckles. I grab all the ingredients I need to whip out a few omelets in no time. I’m surprised at how nice and clean his place is for a bachelor. It’s modern and sleek with all granite tops and chrome appliances.

  “One ham and cheese omelet, sir,” I say, placing his plate in front of him.

  “Bless you, my child.” He takes a huge bite and moans.

  “Did your mom teach you how to cook?” I can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of me.

  “That would be a huge no. My mom is a world class surgeon, so she doesn’t have time for trivial things like cooking. We’ve had the same cook for fifteen years named Marcela. She is a genius in the kitchen and she started sneaking me cooking lessons when I was younger.”