Broken Barriers (Barriers Series Book 4)

by Shirley, Sara

  Copyright © 2015 by Angela Page

  All rights reserved

  Cover Design by RE Creatives, https://recreativesdesigns.wordpress.com

  Interior Design by Jovana Shirley, Unforeseen Editing, www.unforeseenediting.com

  Editing by Paige Maroney Smith

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual personas, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.

  Veterans, darkness has the power to bring anyone down. For many, that darkness gets the better of you. Never give up hope that someone, just someone, might be able to make you laugh or make you cry. Someone might fight for you the way you have fought for us. Someone is always willing to listen and to guide you to a better place.

  prologue

  one

  two

  three

  four

  five

  six

  seven

  eight

  nine

  ten

  eleven

  twelve

  thirteen

  fourteen

  fifteen

  sixteen

  epilogue

  soundtrack

  author bio

  acknowledgments

  Excerpt of Noelle Bodhaine’s Whisper

  As I walked away from the check-in counter at the airport, I realized this would be my last chance to tell Courtney how I felt. I knew in my heart it was now or never. I approached her nervously and watched her sitting there with her cup of coffee held tightly between her hands and the ivory-knitted infinity scarf wrapped loosely around her neck.

  The cold, snowy New Hampshire weather had continued to wreak havoc on all flights to and from Manchester-Boston Regional Airport since Christmas Day. There had been nearly two feet of snow that had accumulated since I had arrived home five days ago. My flight was delayed still another couple of hours before I was set to head back to Camp Pendleton, California.

  I clutched the official military orders within my sweaty hand as I walked through swarms of anxious people. Everyone was in a rush to go nowhere. Now that my time was growing short, I didn’t want the last remaining minutes I had with Courtney to end.

  I sat to the left of Courtney with a little added force, clearly not ready to say what needed to be said. Who knew if she was even ready to hear what I finally had to say? Either way, it had to be said.

  “Thanks for bringing me in,” I said in a raspy voice through my scratchy throat as I watched her lean back into the seat before taking a sip of her coffee. “You probably had more important things to do on New Year’s Eve. Plus, the weather is certainly not the greatest to drive in.”

  Courtney dropped the cup from her lips and glanced over at me. Her delicate fingers wrapped around the steaming cup of coffee easily distracted my eyes again. She narrowed her stare at me and then turned slightly in her seat to peer outside.

  “What? You mean this?” Courtney waved her hand at the snow that continued to fall outside the windows. “It’s New England. It will be sunny and fifty degrees in a half hour.” She shrugged her shoulders, easily brushing off the conditions. Her eyes were wide but wary, and there was an unknown expression on her face that twisted the line of her lips into a look of caution. “It’s no problem,” she said guardedly. “I wanted to.”

  Courtney drew her bottom lip beneath her teeth and nervously chewed as she tucked her chin under the rough fabric of her scarf. She was clearly hiding something that had weighed on her mind as well. I ran the brim of my tan military cover between my hands anxiously. I needed more time as I mustered the strength to finally say the words I had only rehearsed in my head for so long.

  Courtney rose to her feet and walked aimlessly to the trash bin. She took a final sip from her coffee cup and tossed it away. I watched while her tan Uggs slowly scuffed their way back to me. She stood over my slouched body and rested her hands on my shoulders. I instantly relaxed just from her simple touch, despite the chaos that ensued all around us. The TSA announcements were muffled and gagged. The once screaming kids were now silent as mice. At that moment, it was only the two of us at the airport.

  My eyes roamed from the floor until I was met with a set of blue eyes that stared back into my hazel eyes. My head tilted ever so slightly before I shut my eyes. Within seconds, my chest released a deep weighted sigh. It was time to come clean. As Courtney’s gentle hand ran along the side of my face, I leaned into her caress while my hand came up to rest over hers.

  My eyes flickered open and witnessed a single tear roll down her cheek. It killed me that I couldn’t wrap her within my arms and kiss each tear away. God, I wanted to. All the pain I felt within my soul was amplified by the fact she didn’t belong to me. She never did, and yet she still needed to know what I had to say.

  “What’s wrong?” Courtney shook her head with uncertainty. Her eyes continued to fill with moisture with every second that passed. Each second signified one less we had to spend together.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I was just remembering the last time you touched my face like that…” I said slowly, my voice trailing off into silence.

  She moved to sit next to me, her head turning slowly on her long flowing neck and her gaze softening for just an instant.

  “That was last summer,” she said, before the walls of her wariness came up again. “A brief fling. That’s all...because that’s all you wanted.”

  I grunted loudly, like I had been punched in the heart. My eyes wrenched closed as though I was trying to erase a memory. “And now it’s too late.”

  “For what?”

  “For us.” My eyes dropped and glanced down at Courtney’s left hand that rested on her denim-covered knee. The diamond sparkled brightly, nearly blinding my eyes as I let out an exhausted breath. “You decided to get engaged to some random prick you just met.”

  Courtney flinched, her tiny hand bunch into a fist, and a sudden hectic flush of color washed across her face. She made a sharp hiss of breath, and her lips paled. The scorned look was written all over her face.

  “You’re a Marine, Drew. You went away,” she spat the words. “What was I supposed to do? Wait for you?”

  “Would you have?” I asked abruptly. “Would it have mattered if I told you it was more than a fling for me last summer?”

  Courtney stiffened in her seat. Her eyes became hooded as though she was suddenly very tired. She began to shake her head slowly, not in denial, but in confusion. “I don’t know…” She gasped softly. The glistening wetness crept slowly down her cheek again as she choked back tears.

  For a long time, both of us sat silent. The tension was a palpable thing, like a wall thrust up between us—a barrier of tormented emotions and memories.

  I ran my fingers through my short military-cut hair and rose to my feet. I could feel the frustration sizzling in my blood. I took three angry steps away and then stopped suddenly, my hands steady on my hips, my head bowed. I could tell Courtney saw the rigid set of my shoulders slump. I turned back to her slowly and lo
wered myself to be eye level with her. My hands gripped firmly on the armrests of her seat.

  “Court, you are my one regret,” I said so softly that the words seemed barely more than a whisper. “In the time I was away, I couldn’t get you off my mind, ever. And now—”

  “And now you’re going away again,” Courtney finished the sentence. “To Afghanistan, Drew!”

  I screwed my eyes shut and just nodded my head. As I pushed back to my feet, I stared down at the floor between my tan booted feet for a long time. When I finally looked up again, the anger and frustration were gone, replaced by some deeper emotion that must have shown in my eyes.

  A quick glance at the clock told me all I needed to know. It was time for me to go. My eyes focused on my overstuffed military-issued MOLLE pack. I took a few short steps as I grabbed the bag and pulled open the Velcro pouch and removed a single envelope. Without closing the pouch, I forced the bag over my desert fatigue-covered shoulders. With a couple of minor adjustments, it was in place on my back.

  “Do me a favor, Court. Keep an eye on everyone while I’m gone,” I said. “Especially Mom and Dad. They’re worried more than they let on. Once I’m over there, I’ll only be able to call when they tell me I can.”

  Courtney rose to her feet and walked the short distance to stand close to me. “You know I’ll always look out for them, Drew.” Her voice cracked a little more with each spoken word. “Just please be safe over there. You have a family that loves you and a newborn nephew to watch grow up.”

  I inched closer until the tips of my boots touched hers. Courtney’s tormented eyes could no longer look at me. She sniffled back the tears that threatened to break like a dam. I leaned down a little closer to her face. I was so close I could smell the subtle hints of vanilla and pear, her favorite scented body washes, still on her skin.

  “What about you…? Do you want me to come home safe, Court?”

  “Of course!” she snapped, obviously hurt by my accusation that she didn’t care about me enough to want me to come home.

  “Why, Court?” My hand brushed her hair back over her shoulder before it carefully rested against the nape of her neck. I lowered my forehead against hers. Her eyes never left mine. The two of us shared one last intimate moment before we had to part ways.

  I could tell Courtney couldn’t see through the tears that blurred her vision. She only saw the Marine that stood before her. She was grappling with her answer, but she didn’t know what the right answer was. She looked away while I knew her mind raced with a million things she probably wanted to say to me. I needed to hear them. Good or bad—I needed to know. She choked back the words she wanted to say. My lips were close enough now that all I needed to do was lean forward to feel her gentle kiss once again.

  Instead, I pulled away, and the moment was lost. I leaned down and brushed my warm lips over Courtney’s ear. “I want you to take this letter.” I pressed the small envelope into Courtney’s hand and watched her pull it to her chest. “Read it after I’ve boarded the plane. If after you’ve read it, you still feel that marrying this other guy is what’s best for you, then I’ll support your decision.” I softly kissed her cheek and stepped back. “I’ll miss you, Court. I always do.”

  I turned and pulled the orders and military ID from my pocket. I walked away with heavy footsteps and only turned my solemn face once to look back at Courtney before giving a quick wave good-bye. I never did tell her I loved her. The words never crossed my lips as I walked away. The look of regret etched on her face as she clutched the letter to her heart right before I entered security was one I had never seen before.

  July. Eighteen Months Later.

  The last time I stepped foot on this doorstep it was for my sister’s wedding. It was the perfect day. She had finally found what made her happy in her life.

  That was nearly three years ago. Time had flown; that was for sure.

  My sister, Sam, didn’t exactly have the easiest time getting there, though. When she stood here at my family’s cottage on Lake Winnipesaukee and married Josh, it was a moment that would be imprinted in my mind forever.

  Not only was it the best night of her life and the start to her happy future, but it was also the last time I was with the one girl who had held my heart for all these years. Oddly enough, that girl was Josh’s younger sister.

  Courtney Page.

  God, she was beautiful that night. Her acorn-colored hair flowed in the wind that swept off the lake as she took wedding pictures for my sister on the boat dock as the sun set in the distance behind her. I watched from a distance at the girl…no…woman that captivated me. She never knew how much I fell for her that summer. It was never supposed to be anything more than “friends with benefits,” and yet I was the first one to let my feelings get the better of me.

  That night when we had sex, it wasn’t just two friends having sex. It was so much more than that. The only problem was, she was going one way, and I was going the other. Sure, we kept in touch, and there were holidays after that. But, when I came home the last time to see my newborn nephew, Dean, and found out she was engaged, I was devastated. It was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. I was spending the holiday with my family just before I was set to deploy to Afghanistan for nearly a year. When the news of her engagement hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn’t know what to do.

  The fight for my country had won over the fight for the girl of my dreams. That day at the airport I poured my heart out to her and gave her one last chance to know just how much I loved her.

  The next thing I knew I was handing the airline desk clerk my pre-boarding pass, and I was on the airplane set to start the next chapter in my life. I never told Courtney how much I loved her. I walked away like a freakin’ coward, leaving the decision in her hands. That decision ate away at me for months. The torment of not knowing while deployed was worse than being in Afghanistan.

  Now, here I was home from war, trying to rid myself of any of those horrific memories that flooded my brain almost every night: the nightmares of convoys gone wrong, the fear of an exploding IED, the echoing sounds of gunfire, the smell of burning bullet shells furiously hitting the ground, or even worse, my own skin, or the lost look in my team members’ eyes when they turned to me for answers and guidance while we were in the middle of the Afghan desert far from home.

  Why did they turn to me for guidance? Sure, I was a strong leader and put my own life on the line to keep them safe, but guidance? Shit, that was a whole other story. I couldn’t guide my own life, let alone theirs. Look at how much I messed up this shit before I left. And now…I had to laugh…now that I was back from that God forsaken hellhole, the first place I decided to try to piece my life back together was the place that reminded me of nothing but her.

  I shook the million and one thoughts playing like a pinball machine in my head and dropped my packs to the ground in front of the large wooden front door. My hand reached up to pull the spare key my dad said would be behind the front light.

  Apparently, he and Mom came up a week ago from Connecticut to clean the cottage. Before I even stepped foot off the plane in Boston, I told them I needed some time to think about things. Of course, they worried. There were way too many news reports of veterans coming back from overseas suffering from PTSD for them not to worry. That past week I had spent countless hours with them, assuring them I was fine. I wasn’t quite sure how they believed me, but they did.

  I convinced them I was safe to be alone after Sam brought my nearly two-year-old nephew down to see me. Dean was just a week old the last time I saw him. Sure, she sent me pictures while I was gone, but to finally be in the same room with him was another story. His smiles and giggles were enough to light up an entire room. To be his age again and not have a care in the world would have felt amazing. A part of me wished I knew what that felt like again. After only a half hour with him, I was pretty sure he could heal just about any wound within my heart. Just not the one that was still anchored there for wh
at seemed like eternity.

  My fingers fumbled with the key until I found the keyhole and unlocked the door. The moment I turned the key and the door clicked open, I heard the sound of tires crunching against the gravel behind me. Turning my head, I noticed the Jeep rolling to a stop just behind my car. I ignored why my brother-in-law pulled up when I said I wanted time alone. Sam probably wasn’t fully convinced I was right in the head and sent Josh here just in case.

  What did I need to do to make people believe me?

  I was fine and wanted to be alone for a while. I’d been deployed for a year, and now that I’d checked out of my unit for good, I needed to think. And by think, I meant reevaluate where my life was heading. I no longer had the girl. I certainly didn’t have a career. I gave up working at Dad’s law firm nearly four years ago when I went active duty in the Marines. Now, I had nothing. Sure, I had enough military training to allow me to be qualified to do something, but I didn’t want to do anything for work.

  It was the other news that practically broke me in half six months ago.

  My head wasn’t right after that, and neither was my heart. I fucked up big time on a convoy and nearly put my entire team in a situation we couldn’t escape. The news came as so much of a shock that not even I could understand why it hit me as hard as it did. There was always that slim shot I held onto when I left that she’d change her mind. As much as I wanted her choice to be me instead of him, she still said she wanted me there, but it didn’t happen that way.

  Courtney had gotten married. She didn’t wait for me.

  Sighing, I grabbed my bags from the ground and pushed my shoulder against the heavy door and entered the house. My Sanuk-covered feet scuffed against the wide plank wooden floors as I lugged in my two overstuffed military-issued seabags. I wasn’t sure how long I was staying here, so I packed just about every article of summer clothing and gear I had left at my parents’ house. As I dropped the bags just inside the first floor bedroom door, I turned to find Josh right behind me carrying a couple of cardboard boxes.