I squeeze my eyes tight shut. For now I‘m not going to think about it. Doing this was right, I’m convinced of it. As for what comes next, I‘ll just have to wait and see.
Chapter 8
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: Wedding Plans
Sophie, darling, we were very sorry to hear about Luc’s father. How sad that he won’t be up to coming to England for the wedding. Does that mean his mother will be staying behind too? Such a shame we won’t get to meet them. Although, as your dad and I don’t speak French I’m not sure we would have had much to say to each other.
Your gran has had a touch of bronchitis and has been proclaiming her imminent demise. She says her dying wish is to see her only granddaughter marry, but you mustn’t let that influence you, darling, not if you’re really set on having a long engagement.
While I think about it, do you have any idea how many of Luc’s relatives and your friends from Switzerland might be coming to England for the wedding? I know you’re a long way off finalising a wedding list, but a rough idea would help your dad and I with the budgeting. As you know, we’ve been setting aside money for your wedding ever since you were a little girl. The fund has been well invested and done quite nicely.
So money isn’t a worry, if that’s what’s holding you and Luc back.
The WI ladies are longing for another project to get their teeth into and have all offered their help. You’ve always been such a favourite with them and they were thrilled when I announced you’d got engaged on Valentine’s Day. So romantic. Joan and Daphne have already bought new hats, even though I did tell them you and Luc might prefer a more informal dress code. I don’t want you to feel you can’t have a say, just because we’re paying for the wedding. If we can’t get The Lodge after all we could always look at one of the Northern Lakes hotels. Joan says there’s a lovely hotel with lakeshore gardens backing onto Ullswater.
I’d better go now, there’s a new episode of Sherlock with that lovely Benedict Cumberbatch starting soon and I get very confused if I miss the beginning!
Love from
Mum
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: Slight exaggeration
Hello daughter. Don‘t let your mum worry you. Gran has a bad cold, that‘s all. She‘s been predicting her ‚imminent demise‘ (as your mum puts it) for at least ten years. She‘s as tough as old boots and will probably outlive us all!
Hope you‘re getting lots of skiing in – it‘s been very wet here.
Love, Dad
SOPHIE
As Luc and I tramp our way to the Appartements Belle Neige it’s snowing. Thick white flakes swirl down from a heavy, silent sky. I love Swiss snow. It’s nothing like the damp-squib snow of English winters.
The flakes form beautiful, intricate patterns, backlit by amber streetlights. Once on the ground they glitter like diamonds. It’s apt, given the snow is as valuable as gems to the local economy.
As I slip my gloved hand into Luc’s it’s the beauty of the snow that soothes me rather than the thought of early snowfall increasing the numbers of skiers’ bums on Café des Amis chairs.
‘Okay?’ He smiles down at me and pulls me closer.
I nod.
And it would be, if only we could stay like this. Just the two of us walking in the snow, hand in hand. No future and no past.
But all too soon we’re at Holly and Scott’s new home and Luc is pressing the intercom buzzer.
The indignant wail that greets us once we’re through the front door tells me my goddaughter Maddie has no intention of going to bed and missing the party.
‘Hi, Soph.’ Holly leans in to hug me, her auburn hair hanging loose around her shoulders.
I hug back, holding her for a fraction longer than usual. I catch her concerned glance and look quickly away.
‘Hey, Maddie, how’s my little goddaughter?’ Luc’s face lights up as Scott walks towards us, an angry baby wailing and squirming in her father’s arms.
‘Crabby.’ Scott raises his eyebrows. ‘Our daughter is a night owl who objects to the concept of bedtime and rejects all the suggestions of the baby books.’
‘Can I have a cuddle?’ Luc asks, his brown eyes soften and his lips curl into a gentle smile that breaks my heart.
‘I like you, mate, but that’s taking things a bit far. Oh, you mean you want a cuddle with my daughter?’ Scott grins. ‘I’m wounded.’
He passes Maddie to Luc and I hastily place a muslin cloth over Luc’s shoulder. Within minutes of being cuddled by Luc, Maddie stops crying and snuggles into him with a hiccup and a contented sigh.
I blink hard and hastily repair my defences. I can’t watch them. Instead I follow Holly and Scott over to the L-shaped leather sofa.
‘So, how’s the work going on Chalet Amélie?’ I choose the first non-baby subject that comes to mind. ‘Are all the guest suites finished yet?’
‘They‘re almost done. Some of the bathrooms need tiling and there‘s a little painting to be done, but Emily and Jake are supervising that.’ Scott sinks gratefully onto the sofa. ‘I‘m on daddy paternity duty, officially banned from working on pain of death.’
‘I‘d torture you first. And it would be a painful lingering death.’ Holly collapses next to him, gazing with evident relief at Luc and Maddie, who is now contentedly asleep in his arms.
I‘m trying to block out the sweet little whiffly noises Maddie is making. Trying to crush the longing to hold her close and inhale her gorgeous new baby scent. I‘m terrified. Afraid to love her, scared that along with the love I‘ll unlock a terrible grief for what I can never have.
‘You know, Sophie, I might have to borrow your fiancé for whenever I can‘t settle Maddie,’ Holly laughs. ‘Hey, Luc, if you could just stay like that for a few hours you‘d have my undying gratitude. She acts like I‘m torturing her if I try to put her down in her crib. I can only get housework done if I‘m carrying her in the baby sling.’
‘Uh huh. No problem.’ Luc doesn‘t look over but continues to murmur sweet baby nothings to a sleeping Maddie. I force myself to look away before the choking feeling can rise up again.
‘So, how is the new chalet girl working out at Chalet Repos?’ I ask, shoving my feelings down deep and slamming the door shut on them. There‘s too much crammed inside, giving me emotional indigestion. It feels like an overfull cupboard. The next time I open the door it‘ll all come spilling out.
‘Beth seems to be fitting in just fine.’ Holly pulls her legs up beneath her on the sofa. ‘I‘ve had to leave Matt and Amelia managing things at Chalet Repos. At least Tash, Rebecca and Lucy all know what‘s what.’
‘How does Tash feel about Amelia being in charge?’ I raise an eyebrow.
‘Oh, about as well as you‘d imagine.’ Holly‘s mouth twitches with amusement. ‘It may all end in ski poles at dawn, but I didn‘t have much choice with Tash running off to see Nate every five minutes. Luckily Nate seems to be keeping her happy, so maybe that‘ll keep the fireworks under control.’
‘And the others like Beth?’ I know only too well how hard living in a small dorm room can be if you don‘t get on with someone.
‘I think so,’ Holly yawns. ‘When I interviewed her she seemed very reserved. Not prickly like Tash used to be but locked down and self contained somehow, you know? If I had more time I‘d try and mentor her. You were always so good with the other chalet girls, Sophie. I‘d have been lost without you when I arrived in Verbier.’
‘I don‘t know about that, you didn‘t really need me. You certainly managed to impress the boss, given you ended up marrying him.’ I smile at Scott.
‘Don‘t put yourself down, Sophie, you‘ve helped lots of people over the years. I knew I could always rely on you to look out for the homesick or lovesick,’ Scott adds.
‘Amelia is organised and efficient but she, well … lacks empathy,’ Holly frowns.
‘Organised efficiency will have to do. After all, you‘ve got other priorities now.’ I try to keep my tone light.
‘How are things with you, Sophie?’ Scott asks.
I glance over at Luc but he‘s still walking the room with Maddie and seems unaware of the conversation.
‘Um, okay.’ I bite my lip and think about what I can share. I haven‘t even mentioned Mum‘s emails to Luc yet so I can‘t open with her staggeringly tactless response to the news about his dad. ‘But Luc‘s dad isn‘t too well.’
‘Oh no, is it his heart again?’ Holly‘s eyes fill with concern.
‘Yes, and he really shouldn‘t be working, but he says the day he retires will be the day he dies.’ I stare down at my lap. ‘Luc is the only one who can make him rest but the second Luc leaves the Café du Place to come back to Verbier his dad is on his feet serving customers again.’
‘I don‘t mind going over there,’ Luc cuts into the conversation and walks over to us, gently lowering himself down onto the sofa next to me. Maddie is still clinging to him like a baby koala.
‘It‘s just hard for us to manage both the Bar des Amis and the Café du Place, especially given it‘s almost an hour’s drive between Verbier and Vex.’ I lean into Luc, needing to recapture the intimacy of our walk over here. I don‘t add that we can‘t afford another full-time member of staff to replace him in Verbier and the Café du Place doesn‘t make enough to support more staff, either, even if his dad would allow it.
‘We‘ll manage.’ Luc rests the hand not supporting Maddie on my thigh. The crease on his forehead tells me he‘s worried, though.
‘I‘m sorry to hear he‘s not well again, Luc.’ Holly sighs and stifles another yawn. ‘Sorry, sleep deprivation. How are things going with the adoption process?’
‘They‘re not.’ Luc‘s jaw tightens and I feel him stiffen beside me.
‘No, why not?’ Holly asks, indignant.
‘We‘re not suitable.’ I control my voice to stop my bitterness leaking out.
‘Not suitable? I don‘t know of a couple more suitable to be parents than you two.’ Holly‘s outraged tone makes Maddie stir in her sleep on Luc‘s chest.
‘What reasons have they given?’ Scott asks, frowning.
‘They wouldn‘t be able to get an exact genetic match for us.’ I shrug.
‘What? I don‘t understand?’ Holly leans forward in her seat.
‘Neither did I to begin with. It didn‘t occur to me that Luc being Swiss and me being English-born would matter. After all, we‘ll be married soon and I‘ll have a Swiss passport, but it‘s not enough, apparently.’
‘But they can‘t preclude you on those grounds alone, surely?’ Scott leans forward too, his male brain clearly itching to fix this, to take action.
‘There‘s also the fact that we run a bar and live over it,’ Luc grimaces. ‘It‘s not a suitable environment for a child, we’ve been told. It never did me any harm. They must have been more lax with the rules when I was adopted.’
‘I suppose there were more babies available for adoption thirty years ago,’ Holly replies thoughtfully.
‘The final nail in the coffin was that I had counselling after the thing with the guy who, you know …’ My cheeks redden and tears sting my eyes. ‘My doctor referred me, so it was in my medical notes. They say it makes me emotionally unstable. So … it looks like we‘re not adopting.’
I can‘t look at Luc. It‘s all my fault. I‘m the infertile one and I‘m the foreigner whose language skills aren‘t up to scratch. Luc is properly bilingual and I‘m just C- grade GCSE French and trying. At the interview the woman spoke so damn fast. If she‘d slowed down a little I might‘ve caught ninety-five per cent of the conversation, but as it was I had to sit and grin like a gormless idiot while Luc tried to charm her.
But while Luc impressed, I certainly didn‘t. I know my medical records were the clincher. I‘m sure of it. I‘ve been on the online forums and found lots of other people who‘ve been turned down as adoptive parents because they‘ve had counselling.
Pain surges in my chest, rising into my throat and choking me.
Luc stirs uncomfortably beside me and Maddie opens her eyes. At the exact same moment both Maddie and I begin to cry.
Five minutes later and Luc and Scott have retreated to the nursery with Maddie, wisely deciding that two wailing females in one room are too much to cope with and Maddie will be the easiest to placate. At least her gripes can be fixed with action – like feeding, rocking, cuddles or changing a nappy.
Holly has replaced Luc by my side and is dispensing tissues, hugs and outrage in equal measure.
‘It‘s just not fair,’ she says, for about the hundredth time.
I shrug again. ‘What can we do? It looks like I‘m just not meant to be a mother, adoptive or otherwise.’
‘Do they know what Thomas did to you? How he treated you and the fact he‘s the reason you‘re infertile?’
‘If they bothered to read my notes in detail then, yes, they probably do. I had to agree access to my medical records as part of the application procedure.’ I pull a face. ‘It‘s not like you sit at the doctor’s thinking about how what you‘re saying might be used against you in the future, but everything you say goes on record. Everything.’
‘So they‘re basically saying you‘re not suitable to adopt because you had counselling to cope with the fact you couldn‘t have children. That‘s crazy.’ Holly shakes her head. ‘Presumably if you hadn‘t really cared about being a mother you wouldn‘t have needed help and would have been deemed suitable to adopt. It‘s nuts.’
I ball the tissue in my fist.
‘It‘s all me, Holly. All my fault.’ I can‘t keep the bleakness out of my voice. ‘We both know if Luc had an infertile Swiss partner with no emotional problems then they‘d let him adopt, bar or no bar.’
I don‘t add that given he‘s not the one who can‘t have children he could start over and choose a perfectly healthy Swiss wife to have a family with. There‘s only so much truth I can bear today. Speaking it aloud might be cathartic, but it still hurts like hell.
‘I don‘t know anything of the sort.’ Holly strokes my back like she does when she’s trying to console Maddie.
I don‘t reply. I know it to be true deep in my gut. Luc hasn‘t been able to persuade me otherwise and neither will Holly.
‘Luc adores you, Soph,’ Holly speaks gently. ‘It‘ll be okay.’
‘Yes, I know,’ I lie.
I close my eyes, thinking back to Valentine’s Day, to the treasure hunt Luc set me for the second year in a row. The end proposal at the W hotel, also the scene of our first date, had been so romantic I‘d floated for over a week, unable to keep the smile off my face.
Everything and anything seemed possible back then. We‘d been determined to jump through whatever hoops we had to so we could adopt. I‘d not given any thought to what country we would marry in, or how I‘d keep everyone happy.
Now I need to find the words to tell Mum she can‘t plan the wedding she‘s dreamed of for me. That she and Dad have saved so hard for. That her WI friends won‘t get to pitch in and help with. Far worse, I still have to break the news to her that there‘ll be no grandchildren, not even of the adopted kind.
I have so much to be grateful for. I never dreamed a girl like me would end up with someone as fantastic as Luc. I‘m living in a country I adore, with a man who loves me, so nothing else should matter, right? Yet I can‘t quite silence the voice whispering that if I truly loved Luc I‘d set him free so he can start the family he‘s always dreamed of. He wants to be a parent as much as I do, maybe even more. Being adopted means Luc feels the absence of any blood relatives keenly. He always wanted to start his own family for that very reason. I can‘t help replaying the look on his face as he cuddled Maddie in his arms. By staying, I‘m hurting him. It‘s me causing him this pain.
He‘d get over me, I‘m sure.
But I‘m not so certain I‘d get over losing him. I don�
�t think I could bear a world without Luc in it.
Chapter 9
BETH
Lucy and I are collapsed on deckchairs, sipping cold drinks in the sun after another of my lessons. Well, I‘ve collapsed, she‘s barely broken a sweat. I‘m still not sure skiing is for me, but don‘t dare say as much to her. She lives to ski, as far as I can tell, and can‘t conceive of anyone not loving it as much as she does. Rebecca told me all Lucy cares about is sport and never dates but I‘m not sure – after all, she did disappear off with that man at dinner.
While I appreciate the beauty of the Alps and love sitting out in the fresh mountain air I don‘t think I‘m ever going to like the out-of-control feeling I get when I ski. To truly enjoy it I think you have to be willing to surrender yourself to speed or gravity or something. I just don‘t have it in me to let go like that. I close my eyes, revelling in the feel of warm sunshine on my skin. Whatever happens, I don‘t regret trading a London winter for this.
‘Hi, Dan.’ Lucy‘s voice makes me jump and my eyes jerk open.
‘Lucy, Beth, working hard are you?’ Dan sits down in an empty deckchair next to me. ‘I don‘t know, you chalet girls have it easy.’
‘Huh, it‘s the ski instructors who have an easy time of it,’ Lucy retorts. ‘You weren‘t up at dawn doing housework. Plus, once you‘re finished on the slopes you get the whole evening off.’
‘Maybe you should teach next season, Lucy, instead of being a chalet girl,’ Dan suggests.
‘Perhaps.’ Lucy shrugs.
‘She‘s been teaching me.’ I turn to Dan, glad the flush that springs to my cheeks can be put down to the warm sunshine. ‘She‘s a good teacher. Any lack of progress is all down to me, I‘m afraid.’
‘You‘re doing fine,’ Lucy protests. ‘You just need to persevere.’
‘I‘m not going to be allowed to give up.’ I grimace at Dan.
‘I should hope not,’ he smiles. ‘Sometimes it takes a while and then one day it just clicks.’
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