Survival Instinct

by Declan Conner

  I love you too, mom, he thought.

  As she drove off, he stood there stunned, his mind blank. Snapping back to reality, he made for home.

  June refused his calls. Finally, her mom answered. He heard June in the background as she relayed it was all over and not to phone again. His mom’s threat was bad enough. Now that June had cast him aside, it left him feeling isolated, almost suicidal. He knew he had to do something. But what?

  Contents

  The marriage proposal

  He smiled at his decision all those years back, as he threw the rest of his sandwich to the gathering pigeons. Jamie recollected the day he headed for the recruitment centre, dejected, and handed in his test results. He signed on the dotted line with little ceremony. Now, he knew the basis for those old stories he had heard about desperate men joining the French Foreign Legion. It was no longer a question of a paycheck but a form of pure, unadulterated escape. Now mom, you can concentrate on your precious Golden Girls.

  “We’ll make a man out of you, boy,” said the recruitment officer. He neglected to say it would also damn near kill me.

  Jamie began his training and started the course looking like a hot dog wiener, only to come out the other end as the polished article, looking more like a slab of prime, Grade-A steak. His mom finally seemed proud of him, and both his parents were eager spectators at his parade march. But, as usual, she had to spoil it.

  “We’ve given your room to Eve, and dad’s converting her room to an office. You can sleep on a camp bed when you’re on leave,” she said.

  “Thanks a lot, mom,” he said. He gave her a kiss and a hug, but he didn’t mean it. Eve, the elder of his two younger sisters, snickered. This must be what they mean when they say, “it’s time to leave the nest.”

  June never replied to his letters, but he continued to send one every week, despite hearing she had hooked up with the same jerk she knew from youth group.

  Jamie volunteered for bomb disposal work when he heard it was a cozy number, but like everything in his life, it wasn’t easy. He discovered the training was intense, and they still had to go through the same basic training. After a year of training and studying Arabic in his spare time, he was assigned to Iraq and thrown right into the fray. Roadside bombs were more common as an instrument of the insurgency, and their bombs became more sophisticated by the day. Called to bomb finds, EOD, “explosive ordinance disposal,” always went in first to clear booby traps. At the age of twenty, he was becoming something of a specialist, promoted within his own ranks.

  The work he did suited him as he enjoyed the isolation of pitting his wits against unseen foes. He could even determine whose bomb he was working on. They all had their own idiosyncrasies in the ways they were assembled, and they gave each one a nickname. The ones he feared most were from new insurgents. Those he had never seen before really made his adrenalin flow.

  Taking some well-earned leave with his platoon, they all decided to fly to Bangkok. It was a bit of a joke among his buddies that Jamie was still a virgin, and they planned to make it right at the first opportunity. Arriving in Bangkok, they headed for Nana Plaza, the heart of the nightlife, famous for its pole-dancing bars. Military Police had given them a lecture on the hidden dangers there, particularly the doormen of the bars whose sole purpose in life was to prove their worth by smashing to pulp anyone that even hinted at an argument. Thai males, small in stature, were quite aggressive, and fights would never be one to one, with friends appearing from nowhere determined to do harm.

  Armed with this knowledge, they promptly ignored it and started drinking inordinate amounts of Thai beer. Soon they drew the attention of the girls who worked in the bar. Scratching his head, Jamie thought Bangkok and Bagdad were like two different planets. Bagdad was drab without entertainment where everyone moved by stealth and the women hid under burkas. In contrast, the bright neon lights of the bars, the half-dressed girls and vibrant nightlife of Bangkok were a revelation for a young man. He was feeling rather drunk when a beautiful young woman sat with him. He bought her drinks all evening. Later, as she turned to walk back to the table after a visit to the bar, Bob grabbed Jamie’s arm, a look of horror on his face.

  “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Jamie laughed.

  “Look, let’s move on, get the bill and I’ll explain later,” said Bob.

  The bill arrived and Jamie grabbed it as the Thai girl licked his ear with her tongue.

  “Wait a minute, we got screwed! Our drinks are 100 baht, but the girls’ drinks are 200,” he said indignantly. Jamie staggered over to complain to the bar manager who screamed at him in Thai and started waving his arms. Bob took hold of Jamie by the shoulders and whispered in his ear.

  “Just pay the freakin’ bill, Jamie. Remember what the MP said? Besides, we need to get outta here. That thing you’re with, it only has an Adam’s apple. It’s a freakin’ man!”

  “What?” Jamie flushed with embarrassment. “A guy?” He rubbed his wet ear, his face contorted in anguish.

  Just then, “Yuck!” Jamie screamed and as he looked up, he saw the attack.

  The women cleared the dance floor as the bouncers waded in, and men appeared from nowhere with baseball bats. Jamie sobered up instantly and barked orders at his squad. They formed a defensive circle, backs to each other. Jamie thanked God for their army training; beating off the attackers as police arrived, waving pistols. The thugs mysteriously disappeared. Jamie was sure they were going to be executed as the police lined up opposite them like a firing squad, with pistols at the ready. Bob pulled out a wad of dollar bills and offered them to the sergeant.

  “Please take it! Just get us out of here,” he pleaded.

  The sergeant stared at Bob in stony silence, cocking his pistol as the tension mounted. Then he grinned, holstering his pistol and slipping the money in his pocket, ordering his troops to escort them out of the bar. Jamie wouldn’t go near a woman after that and returned to Iraq still a virgin. As some of his buddies ended up in sick bay, that wasn’t all bad. At least he didn’t have an STD. He was shocked when, out of nowhere, he received a letter from June. There was even a picture of her scantily dressed in a nightie.

  The letters continued, and when his tour of duty ended, they agreed to meet. When Jamie arrived home suntanned, in uniform with rippling muscles, he felt like he had won the lottery as he headed straight to June’s house. She ran out to greet him and they embraced, years erased, as though they had never been apart. He had changed. He had an air of self-confidence and authority about him, no doubt a result of him achieving squad-leader. He still had a problem with being able to strike up conversations with strangers, but in June’s presence, the words flowed.

  Sitting on the sofa, she apologized.

  “Jamie, I’m so sorry for being such a diva and throwing that ring on the floor. I was just a snot!”

  “What, this ring?” he said, catching her off balance, as she thought it was lost. “Your engagement ring has been around the world, and I always keep it in my breast pocket, next to my heart,” he said. He took her hand, slipped it on her finger and kneeled once again. “I love you, June. Will you marry me?”

  She melted into his strong arms, caught up in the romance. This time he had it right.

  “Of course, I will...you...you silly.”

  Married at twenty-one, he told her his next duty was to be in Hawaii, and she was so excited. But after the honeymoon, the army ordered him to headquarters where he received a new assignment. He was to join Special Services as a “bomb expert.” He was headed for Afghanistan, after an intensive language course. Needless to say, they were disgruntled, but as he only had three-and-a-half years to go, his bonus pay and savings would help them buy a house. They decided to “grin and bear it.” The good news was; he survived. Once he was finally out of the army, they bought a house together and settled down to start a family. Jamie took a job with a marketing firm and he steadily worked his way up the ladder.

  Jamie sighed at the
recollection of his life story and determined his life needed change. He took out the application form for the singles’ club, noticing there was a “singles’ night” that very evening. He filled in the application form and placed it in his briefcase. He looked around and noticed the guy with the newspaper still taking sideways glances at him. That’s odd, he thought. Even more strange, the homeless bum was talking into his sleeve. God I need to find somewhere new to take lunch, this place is full of weirdoes. Jamie turned and headed for his office.

  “How was lunch, JJ?” asked Mary.

  “How was what?” His thoughts were on the singles’ club.

  “Oh never mind,” she replied.

  Jamie wandered over to his office window deep in thought and looked out over the park area. At the entrance, he was sure he could make out the homeless bum step off the sidewalk and flag down a car. A black limousine stopped and he jumped in the passenger side. Weird, maybe I’m mistaken.

  Contents

  The singles’ club

  Jamie arrived home and the kids were arguing again, fighting over the remote. The kitchen was a mess, the sink overflowing with dirty dishes. He sat down and buried his head in his hands in desperation. It was bad enough that his job was on the line.

  “Listen you two. You’re going to have to stop all this. I need your help. I’ve decided to join a singles’ club. I know you’re finding it hard since your mother deserted us, but you have to stop taking it out on each other.”

  “You mean you’re going to find a girlfriend?” asked Ellie with an excited look.

  “Cool, when do you start?” asked Steve. “Does that mean we’ll have a new mom soon?”

  “Whoa there, who said anything about a new mom? Don’t be childish. All I’m saying is, we all need to move on with our lives. Mom’s not coming back, so we have to stop beating each other up. It’s not our fault. If anyone’s to blame, it’s your mother. Look at the kitchen, the house is a mess. What if I did want to bring someone home and she saw the state of this house. And all she could hear was you two arguing? Incidentally, the singles’ night at the club is tonight.”

  The reaction of the kids was great; they started cleaning up. Then Ellie snuggled up to the couch next to Jamie.

  “Dad, what are you going to wear?”

  “I’ve not given it any thought. Maybe I should wear a suit?”

  “A suit? Dad, you can’t wear a suit, the women will think you’re a stiff. Trust me, you take a shower and I’ll pick out some clothes for you. Then, when you’ve finished your shower, I’ll give you a face pack and pluck your eyebrows.”

  “What on earth do I want to do that for?”

  “You want to look your best, don’t you? I know what women look for. Oh, and make sure you use a new razor blade. No ifs and buts, go and take your shower.”

  He had to laugh, she sounded just like a mother. He headed off to take his shower and thought it best to humor her. He knew she was missing her mom and maybe this was what they used to do as they disappeared upstairs. He showered and looked in the mirror, pulling at the skin under his eyes and poking at his age lines. His hair was graying and sure enough, his eyebrows were bushy. Those army days were long gone, when the training used to keep his body toned. He wasn’t in too bad of a shape, but he felt his age and started to have second thoughts. The ritual of dating at forty-six scared the pants off him. His thoughts interrupted, he heard Ellie call.

  “Come on, dad, I’m ready.”

  He slipped on his boxers, pulled on his robe and accepted his fate. Just like a lamb to the slaughterhouse.

  “Okay, lie on the bed and I’ll put the face pack on.”

  He lay down and thanked God his colleagues at work weren’t privy to this ordeal. Placing two pieces of cucumber on his eyes, he felt stupid but started to relax as Ellie continued to spread the face pack with a spatula.

  “Whatever you do, dad, don’t move or it won’t work,” then she gave him a new instruction. “I said don’t move, dad, but it is okay to breath.”

  He gasped for air, trying not to laugh. The face pack had a strange, cold feeling, and he could feel his skin tighten as it dried. Ellie chatted away about her day at her vacation job. He was amazed at the quality time he was spending with his daughter. He found out more about her life in that short half hour, than he had in the past twelve months. Maybe that’s what we’re missing, face packs.

  “Now keep still until I’ve removed it,” said Ellie. Dipping cotton balls in a bowl of warm water, she started to wipe away the residue.

  His mind started to drift. He thought how his ex wife was stupid to throw such precious moments away, as if discarding old clothes to Goodwill. When Ellie finished, she started to pluck at his eyebrows. Jamie thought it was a form of torture, extremely painful at first, but as he settled into it, it reminded him of how chimpanzees groomed each other to bond. All families should try this, he thought. It was certainly a new experience as he luxuriated in his feminine side.

  “Now go rinse your face and let’s try on some clothes.”

  He thought it hilarious, as they went through his wardrobe, trying every different combination until Ellie was satisfied with the look she wanted to achieve.

  “There we are. You look great, very casual. Now sit down on the edge of the bed and put your hands on the table. Just as I thought; your nails are a mess.”

  “You must be kidding.”

  Ellie took out a manicure set from her handbag and started to clip and file away.

  “That’s better. We just need to do something with that hair.” Taking out a jar from her handbag, she fingered some gel through his hair and spiked it a little at the front.

  “No way!” he exclaimed as he patted it back down.

  “All you need is a little aftershave, and you’re ready to party.”

  He went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. There was no doubt about it, the pampering had worked. He felt like a million dollars as he splashed on a little aftershave.

  “Great, but I think it’s time we did some shopping. Most of your clothes went out with the Ark.

  “Yeah, I think you’re right there, how about Saturday?”

  “Okay, it’s a date. Come on let’s go and see Steve for an inspection.”

  As he walked down the stairs, Steve looked him up and down. Apparently, he was impressed.

  “Wow, dad, cool dude. Knock ‘em dead,” he said as he reached into his pocket. “Here, have a condom, safe sex ya know.” He thrust it into his pocket.

  Jamie went crimson with embarrassment.

  “Where did you get that?”

  “Awe, come on, I’m twenty and Ellie’s nineteen. We’re not kids anymore.”

  Steve jabbed him in the ribs and they all broke into laughter.

  Jamie looked at the time.

  “Okay kids, I need to rock and roll.”

  “‘Need to rock and roll?’ God, Ellie, I think we’re fighting a losing battle?”

  “Oh, take no notice, he’s teasing. You have a good night.”

  He jumped into his car and sat for a while. That’s the first time in a year I’ve gelled with my kids. Maybe I should make more of an effort. Turning the key in the ignition, he backed out and headed for the club. After parking the car, he sat clutching his application form and watched as others arrived, two by two. After half an hour deliberating and having finally sucked up the courage, he entered the club, paid their exorbitant fee and picked up his temporary membership card. The owner of the club took his form. He thought she looked like a man in drag, with her peroxide blond hair and masculine features. This didn’t go down well in Jamie’s mind, as he shuddered at his recollection of his night with the Lady Boy in Bangkok, hoping to God he had the right time and it wasn’t “transvestite night.”

  Entering the club the noise was deafening. Most people were about forty-something but the music was something akin to a teen disco. It was like taking a step back in time, as the women danced around their handbags and the men s
tood around the dance floor, leering. Jamie decided to prop up the bar and tried not to look conspicuous, but he felt all eyes were on him, as if he were fresh meat. He was pleased he had discovered the best vantage point. At sometime in the evening, everyone would have to visit the bar.

  As the night dragged on and finding he was unable to chat, he was feeling nervous to say the least. Women kept coming to the bar and standing next to him, but, oddly, they didn’t seem to buy a drink before moving on. In his naivety, he was missing the signals. Some of the woman where quite fit, but others looked like his mother. He wouldn’t have minded, but the ones who looked like his mother kept winking at him.

  He began to feel disillusioned, ready to leave, when a guy approached the bar and bumped into him almost spilling Jamie’s drink.

  “Sorry about that, bud. Hi, the name’s William. William Davis, my friends call me Bill.”

  “Jamie Jameson, my friends call me JJ.”

  “You look lost, you must be new.”

  “Yeah, first night; it’s scaring the shit out of me.”

  “Hell, it always feels like that at first. Don’t worry; you’ll get the hang of it.”

  “How long have you been a member, Bill?”

  “I guess about six months now. It beats the bars. At least here you know they’re all up for it. All a question of knowing the ropes.”

  “Have you met anyone, Bill?”

  “Met anyone? Don’t tell me you’re looking for a relationship?” he said making the sign with his fingers to quote the word relationship. “I’m not looking to meet anyone. I’ve been married three times. I don’t think the alimony would stretch to another Mrs. Davis.”

  “Three times? How come?”

  “The first ran off with her personal trainer. The second went religious and moved in with a guy in a sect and the third woman I married in Vegas on a drunken binge. When I woke up the next day, she was gone, along with my wallet and all my credit cards. So am I looking for a relationship? A big NO on that one,” he said, as he broke into laughter.