Citywide

by Santino Hassell

  I stood under the cold spray of the shower for longer than was necessary, but it felt good against my skin. It was also doing a bang-up job of clearing the spell that had settled over me a few hours ago. All it had taken was bomb sex for my brain to totally betray me, conjuring up dreams of me waking up in Aiden and Jace’s apartment to find them making breakfast and waiting for me as if I were a resident and not just an infrequent guest.

  I tilted my head against the tiled wall, eyes squeezed shut.

  Get it together, Mendez. You know you can’t do what they want you to do. Don’t let the sex and your feelings trick you into thinking you can.

  It wasn’t anything different from what I’d told myself in the past. What I’d been telling myself since the winter—over three months ago. My closeness to them had popped into existence nearly from the start, but one weekend in particular had made the direction of my feelings undeniable. Instead of walking into a Friday night of nonstop sex, I’d gone home with Aiden to find Jace in the middle of an anxiety attack. I’d backed off, thinking it wasn’t my place to interfere, but Aiden’s tension from his work day hadn’t helped. He’d tried to soothe Jace’s nerves, wound up making it worse, and removed himself from the situation.

  Jace hadn’t exactly seemed surprised, but I’d sat next to him in the bathtub where he’d huddled, and quietly sung along with the Backstreet Boys song playing on my Sirius XM app until he’d chimed in. After a while, his body had relaxed and he’d snuggled against me until his eyes had drifted shut. I couldn’t imagine how much an anxiety attack took out of a person for him to fall into an exhausted sleep the moment it eased, but I’d carried him to bed and tucked him in.

  Later, I’d found Aiden in his office with his head in his hands and a bottle of bourbon nearby. For all his strength and desire to be a fixer, he’d looked absolutely fucking helpless in that moment. And the gratitude in his expression, that I’d picked up the slack when it had triggered his own fears in a way that took him to the drink, had made me feel . . . something. Like maybe I had a purpose there besides just fucking. Maybe I could be as good for them as they were for me. Because when I was with them, I forgot that I felt far behind all my friends. I forgot that anything seemed to be missing from my life at all. Because when I was with them, nothing was.

  I turned off the shower, thankful for the brief moments when I’d have a chill on my skin and damp hair, before the oppressive heat of the building got me sweaty again. Wrapping a towel around my waist, and marveling that QFindr had better towels for their employees than I had for my own damn self in my house, I padded out into the main area.

  Jace was sitting on top of a conference table with a platter of cheese and fruit next to him, and Aiden was sitting in a chair nearby with the radio on.

  “What’re they saying?” I asked, stopping at the head of the table. “Power coming back anytime soon?”

  Jace glanced up at me, his gaze circuiting my body slowly, before he returned his attention to the platter. He carefully selected a cube of cheese and a cracker before stacking a slice of apple on top.

  “Staten Island is lit up already,” Aiden said. “Everywhere else is still fucked.”

  “Shit. Any idea when we’ll have it back?”

  Aiden shook his head, which was when I noticed he was still fixing his attention on the damn radio and not meeting my eyes. “Nah. Could be tonight or tomorrow. The mayor wants everyone to sit tight and stay off the street as much as possible, which is ridiculous. You got tourists sleeping on the street outside their hotels because they can’t get into rooms, people stranded because the subways are down, flights grounded—it’s a fucking mess.”

  “Are people tripping?” I asked. “I’m about to head outside to see what I can scavenge from the store.”

  “Haven’t heard any reports of anyone looting,” Aiden said, finally glancing up from the radio. “What are you hoping to find outside? We have plenty here to ride it out.”

  Jace had started watching me again as he slowly ate his platter, likely planning to polish it off before it went bad, but he didn’t speak. Which probably meant he had an opinion he wasn’t going to cop to. If I bet by the way he’d drawn his knees up at the idea of me heading outside, his opinion was probably for me not to go.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said to him. “I’m just curious about what people are saying.”

  “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Christopher,” Jace said. “You can do what you want.”

  My eyebrows flew up, and Jace immediately looked away. A flush rose up his neck as he violently chewed an apple, and behind him, Aiden rose to his feet.

  “Well, fuck, all right, then,” I said, baffled. “Did I piss you off or something?”

  “No.”

  “So, then what’s with the attitude?”

  “I don’t have an attitude,” Jace said icily. “I was just stating a fact.”

  Pushing him when he was this pissed off would never get me anywhere, so I glanced at Aiden with a what the fuck look. He shrugged, worry once again in his brow as something a little heavier slumped his shoulders. I wasn’t sure what was weighing him down, given he had our blackout all planned and figured out, but seeing them in varying states of distress was alarming.

  “What?” I asked, louder this time. “What is wrong with both of you?”

  “We talked this morning before you woke up,” Aiden finally said. “About you. About what you and I discussed yesterday.”

  “And that got you all pissed at me?” I demanded incredulously. “Sorry but—”

  Jace swung his legs over the side of the table and hopped to his feet. He was striding out of the room before I could finish my sentence. I stared helplessly at his retreating back, and cringed when he shot a glare over his shoulder.

  “Wow, what the fuck? All I said was that—”

  “You said you can’t be with us.” Aiden walked around the table and came to stand beside me. He was shirtless but once again wearing his business casual shorts. “We told you we wanted you to be permanently in our relationship, and you rejected us. Us fucking around this morning didn’t change that.”

  My heart leaped into my throat, momentarily choking me as I looked at him sideways and raised my hands. “Whoa, whoa, I didn’t—”

  “You did.”

  “Nah, don’t twist what I said. I didn’t ever say that I didn’t want to be with you. I said I wanted to be with you, but not if the relationship is open.” I shook my head, lips pursed as I channeled the power of Raymond’s mean mug. “You better not have told Jace I said that shit, A. I swear.”

  “I told him exactly what we talked about, which is exactly what you told him.” Aiden ran a hand through his hair, flicking his eyes up to likely track where his husband had gone. “But I also told him that we need to put an end to all of this if it’s not gonna go anywhere. We can’t be casual with you, baby. Can’t keep doing this . . . random fuck around shit the way we do with everyone else. It hurts too much. So I said that to him, and he got upset. With me as well.”

  It was what I’d been telling myself, even as recent as ten minutes ago, but the finality in Aiden’s voice—that tommy-gun-fast accent—sucker punched me.

  I’d never get to touch them again. Kiss them. Go to bed with them.

  It left me a little breathless.

  “And I also told him that we can’t keep pushing the subject to try to convince you if your mind is set,” Aiden went on. “Especially because . . . I want to offer you a job. Here. I can work with a lover as well as Oli and Caleb can, but not . . . in these circumstances.”

  “Whoa, wait, time-out,” I said again, making a time-out symbol with my hand. “You’re going too fast for me, A. You want me to take fuckboy McAltRight’s spot?”

  Aiden bobbed his head. “Exactly. I tossed around the idea with Caleb a while back, and he was very interested. He just made it clear that he isn’t okay with casual sex between me and an employee because of potential drama.”

  H
e kept stressing that word. Casual. As if anything that had happened between the three of us could be described that way. Like it hadn’t shattered my preconceived notions about my sexuality and what I wanted in the future and altered everything in my life. He was trying to be so good right now, but that word was getting me hot.

  I clenched my jaw and took another breath. “I need to think.”

  “Are you interested in the job?”

  “Fuck yeah, I’m interested,” I said. “But right now I’m more worried about the fact that Jace won’t look at me than about a fatter pay check. I need to fix this.”

  “Why?” Aiden asked incredulously. “He’ll get used to the reality. Just leave it alone.”

  “I’m not gonna leave it alone if that means him thinking—”

  “Chris, just stop,” Aiden said, voice rising. “I’m not mad at you, and he isn’t either. Not really. We understand where you’re coming from. It hurts, but I get it, and I can learn to see you every day and ignore how much it tears me apart that this can’t work. But it’s going to take Jace time to get there. He’s mad at himself, I think.”

  “Why?”

  Aiden looked away, eyes downcast. “Because . . . he’s always been pretty fiercely protective of our lifestyle. We get a lot of shit for it. He’s been shamed for it since we were teenagers, and now I think he’s confused and frustrated, so he took it out on you.”

  “Because I dared suggest he change so we can all be together?” I demanded. “I thought that’s what people do when they love each other.”

  Aiden flinched like I’d punched him. “He does love you, but he’s not . . .” He stopped, clearly struggling with his words. “I just think he needs some time.”

  I wanted to say something mean. Something really shitty about how they needed, or maybe just Jace needed, all of this fucking time to decide whether I was enough for them all by myself, but I didn’t. It wasn’t just about them fucking other people. Them being open had nothing to do with them wanting to have all kinds of kinky sex. It was about them having lived by their own rules since they were teenagers in a way that worked for them when nothing else had. They’d been poly and open since the conception of Jace and Aiden as a couple. Maybe they didn’t even know who they’d be if that changed. And maybe that scared them. Especially Jace, who’d spent years trying to carve out a safe space that wouldn’t let him down.

  I understood all that, and I still wanted to yell at him. To be angry and bitter that they were apparently completely unwilling to compromise so we could all be together. But maybe it was me who was unwilling to compromise for them? I didn’t know anymore. I was asking them to change a relationship that had been steadfast and healthy for years, and maybe that was too much too soon. Maybe I should have tried. Or maybe they could have tried.

  Apparently, no one was fucking trying, though.

  “Fuck,” I said, voice coming out lower. “I’m—I’m just gonna go outside.”

  “Bab—Chris.” Aiden took a step forward, then stopped himself before touching me, frustration visible in every line of his powerful body. “Just give him time. I know we probably seem awful and selfish to you, but this is killing us just as much as it’s killing you.” He looked helpless and heartbroken. “It hurts for us too, kiddo. It fucking hurts.”

  “I didn’t want to hurt you,” I insisted. “I didn’t think . . . I don’t know what I thought. I was just thinking about saving my own self and not about how hard any of this could be for you guys.”

  “And you should think about saving yourself. It’s just one of you and two of us, and self-preservation is legit. But even though we’re strong and have fought through a lot, not much prepares someone for heartbreak.”

  And just like that, he broke me. My throat closed up and my eyes started to burn. I think he saw it happening, saw tears forming in my eyes, but he didn’t stop me when I turned away. He let me go.

  I’d thought the building was muggy, but stepping outside was like jumping into a furnace. It was barely nine in the morning, and it had to already be nearly ninety and humid as hell.

  Sweat slicked my back by the time I made it to the corner, and even having showered, I felt grimy in my basketball shorts and T-shirt. I’d sweat through them multiple times already, not to mention all the grinding and humping I’d done while wearing them. I told myself that I’d left the office to search for any potential open stores and not because I needed space.

  I kept telling myself that lie even after it became obvious that very few stores were open. There was an ice cream shop on the corner handing out cones for free, and a couple of other restaurants trying to cook and sell food at an extremely discounted rate before the produce went bad, but everything else was locked down. Despite that, the streets were anything but a ghost town.

  Folks were sleeping slumped against buildings, curled up on benches, and stretched out on the sidewalks and using newspapers to protect them from the sizzling concrete. It was like déjà vu back to 2003, but that blackout had lasted for days. I prayed this one didn’t.

  I powered my phone back on after walking two blocks with no sign of a cheap clothing store, and called Raymond. It went to voice mail, but he immediately called me back.

  “Where you at?”

  Raymond’s voice put me at ease. He sounded relaxed, like he’d just fucked the hell out of David and was lazing in bed while smoking a bowl. No crisis. No tension. Just my boy drawling in my ear and demanding to know why I wasn’t there kicking it with him. Where he thought I belonged. Not with Aiden and Jace.

  “Stuck in Manhattan,” I said, sidestepping a couple to try to cop some shade under a store awning. “Is David home with you?”

  “Yep. Raising hell about being hot, and lying around half-naked with Stephanie.”

  “Sounds like a party. Where’s Angel?”

  “Helping out his mom. T-Bone is coming over soon,” Raymond said, speaking of Tonya. “Why the hell are you in Manhattan?”

  This would be where the conversation got interesting. I usually avoided talking about the Fairbairns with my best friend, but . . . right now I wanted to steer it in that direction.

  “I’m at QFindr.”

  “Why the hell are you there?”

  “I decided to take Caleb up on that offer to work on their servers, but the power went out before I could even get started.”

  Raymond exhaled slowly, and I knew he was hitting the bowl. Envy seeped into my bones. It would be so much easier to cope if I had a little buzz going.

  “Why didn’t you go to his apartment?” Raymond asked after a beat. “I’m confused.”

  “He bounced before the power went out, so I’m stuck here with Jace and Aiden, who also live in Queens. So . . . yeah.” He didn’t speak at first, and I had to give him props for censoring himself. “Look, can we have real talk for a minute? I need advice.”

  “If it’s about them fucking around with you, you know what I’m gonna say.”

  I groaned in exasperation. “All right, but can you get your head out of your ass for a minute so we can really talk, though?” At the sound of his sigh, I sucked my teeth. “Come on, Ray. They’ve never given you reason to distrust them except be rich.”

  “I don’t like that Meredith girl either,” he pointed out. “It’s not just them.”

  “Yeah, I know that, but it’s the same story. You don’t trust rich—”

  “I don’t trust a bunch of people who are suddenly interested in diversifying their sex lives with our squad,” Raymond said flatly. “I know I’m making a snap judgment, but all I have to go on is that some rich sexed-up motherfuckers got stars in their eyes after the QFindr photoshoot and all of a sudden decided to start fiending for the crew from South Jamaica. If there’s more to it than that, it’s not like you’ve bothered to share the details to change my mind.”

  He had me there. As soon as he’d gone into overprotective mode, I’d shut down and given zero details. But that had been when I’d thought it was better to avoid
the entire situation. When I’d thought I was capable of avoiding the entire situation.

  “It’s not just a sex thing,” I said, lowering my voice and glancing around. It wasn’t the best area for the conversation. Even early in the morning, it was loud and there were a ton of people starting to stir and wander around looking for answers. I walked back to the building, prompted to give up on my quest by the heat and the influx of humanity. “Look—there’s more to it, all right. You know more than anyone else that I’ve never had, like, a David of my own. Or even how Angel has been in love with Stephanie forever and knows she’s, like, the one he wants. I’ve never had that with anyone.”

  A clicking sound emanated from Raymond’s end of the line, and I pictured him flicking his lighter or tapping nervously. Wondering where I was going with this.

  “Do you just want me to talk to David?” I demanded. “Am I inconveniencing your life?”

  “No,” he snapped. “I’m just worried, man. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  My irritation immediately crumbled beneath the soles of my flip-flops. If Aiden went papa bear, Raymond turned into a growly pack alpha when he sensed danger.

  “They’re not using me, if that’s what you really think. There’s stuff I worry about, but that’s not one of them. One hundred percent guaranteed—those two men actually fucking care about me. They want me to be in their relationship.”

  “How do you know?”

  “How did you know David was in love with you before he admitted it?” I asked. “You could just tell, right? Well I can tell with them, and that was before they told me. Which they did. Last night. I know you don’t really get the poly thing—”

  “Chris, it’s not even about that.” Raymond cleared his throat and there was a creak, like bed springs or a chair. “Look, I’m not some narrow-minded asshole who freaks out about people with different types of relationships. I’m a fucking bi asshole who’s worried that my best friend who has never dated anyone for longer than a couple of months—”