Magic and Mayhem: Witchin' Impossible 3: Familiar Protocol (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Witchin' Impossible Mysteries)

by Renee George

  Not literally, of course, but I rubbed my forehead anyhow. “How?”

  “The conditions of her death are not part of the scope of our investigation.” Devi, the female Bombay replied. “But we are not here because of Romy Quinn. That is for Baba Yaga’s people to investigate. Our only concern is illegal familiar behavior.”

  “But, how could Tiz know that Lou Diamond Phillps was no long bound to her witch?”

  “Who?” Queenie asked.

  My father answered, “She means Lupitia.”

  The hairless wonder, who’d been quiet up until that point, said, “I am your familiar now, Witch Hazel.”

  “Shut up, Lonnie.” I gave the pink beast a warning glare. “Tizzy is my familiar. Period. End of it. You don’t get to decide for me.”

  “Actually...” The flat-faced British shorthair, Queenie, produced a piece of paper. She wiggled her whiskers and the document appeared in my hand. She had an uppity British voice, like Maggie Smith on Downton Abby or Harry Potter, or really any movie or show Maggie Smith plays in. “If you’ll see subsection four-A-E, article thirty-one, the sixth clause, you will note that it is completely at the discretion of the HFC where a familiar is assigned, and completely at our pleasure if we decide to reassign said familiar. In other words, right now there is a chance we may rehabilitate Tisiphone and give her a new witch, but if you continue to fight us, we might not reassign her at all.”

  Queenie’s puckering face reminded me of a butthole. One I wanted to shoot. Which made me wish I carried a gun off duty.

  I balled my hands into fists. “Which means?”

  My father stepped forward, his tone soft and low. “She will be absorbed into the between.”

  My temperature went from a comfortable ninety-eight point six to three thousand degrees in two seconds flat. Or at least it felt like it. Granted my clothes hadn’t burned off my body, but my anger felt scorching, and if I could have, I would have shot laser beams from my eyes at every single cat, witch, and warlock in the room. I would have missed my dad eventually, but not today.

  “This is ridiculous. Tizzy deserves a chance to defend herself. Isn’t there some rule in your enormous, ridiculous rule book about that? She didn’t try to acquire Lu-hairy-pits as her familiar to use, she just fell in love. How could she know the damn cat’s witch would die? There has to be concession somewhere for that.

  The tabby Jane jumped down to the floor and made her way to the altar, she nested on top of the gazillion-year-old spell book that rested in the center.

  She gazed from Lonnie the hairless wonder to me. “You will turn Tisiphone and Lupitia over to the HFC immediately, and you will accept Lonnie as your new familiar.”

  “Or what?”

  She licked her paw and dragged it over her ear and down her face. She actually did it several times in an effort that made her look extremely bored by my panic and pain.

  This kind of behavior was exactly the reason I hated cats. Soooooo superior and let’s not forget smug.

  Queenie, her blandest most condescending great dame tone, answered, “Or you will be stripped of a familiar altogether. You know what they call a witch without a familiar?”

  “A muggle,” I said.

  My father gasped. Tanya Geller blanched. Pluto, the Siamese male, laughed.

  There was hope for Pluto.

  “They are called humans, you silly, self-destructive witch. Enjoy your mortality.”

  I tried to hold my composure, but the rise of power in the room as the witches and warlocks began to chant brought me to my knees. “What are…you...doing…to me?” My chest hurt as the pressure of their magic thickened the air.

  “Stand up,” Lonnie said. His pinched and whiny voice made my teeth hurt.

  “I can’t,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “If you reach out to me with your power, I can help you.” He held out his paw. His nails were sharp, but he had no style. Not like Tizzy.

  “No,” I grated out through clenched teeth. “Never.”

  “Fine,” Balderdash said. He meowed really loudly. It sounded more like a cry for help than a rallying cry, but the choking magic dissipated instantly.

  I gasped, hungry for air. “I’ll never take another familiar.”

  “We’ll see,” Balderdash said. “After a few days without magic, you may be singing another tune.”

  “You can’t do that,” my dad said. “That’s not in your purview—”

  Balderdash cut him off with high-pitched mew. “Subsection four hundred and thirty-seven, article D, clause A, second addendum, the HFC may limit or neutralize a witches power for seventy hours in order to investigate a complaint.”

  “At least when I hold someone in jail I read them their rights first.” I got to my feet, stumbling as a wave of emptiness washed through me. Had they really stripped me of my powers? Was it even possible? I spent so many years trying not to use magic, but the last several months I’d gotten used to it. It had become like a security blanket. Besides, I hated cleaning house. Well, anything domestic. Magic had become my bitch.

  I stared at the seven HFC members and Lonnie, matching their glare with my own.

  “You won’t get away with this?”

  Queenie jumped down from her chair. “Yes, we will. You tell Tisiphone when you see her that her fate will be worse than she ever imagined if she doesn’t turn herself in. She has about as much time as you do. You have three days, Hazel Kinsey. Tisiphone will either turn herself in, or you will lose your powers forever.” The word “forever” echoed through the room as the rest of the cats followed Queenie out of the chamber.

  Once they’d left, I stomped over to the nearest coalition chair and slumped into the seat. “That was very…”

  “Dramatic,” Tanya supplied.

  “Scary,” my dad added.

  “Messed up,” I said. “But yeah, all the of above.”

  “Are you really human now?” Tanya asked.

  “I don’t know. I think so.” Goosebumps raised on the surface of my arms as the cooler temperature in the room chilled me.

  “Warmth in the air,

  Come to me.

  Heat and comfort,

  So mote it be.”

  My father waited, his eyes wide and expectant.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m still cold.”

  He sauntered over to me, worry plain on his face. He put his arm around my shoulder. “I’m sorry this is happening to you, sweetheart.”

  “Dad.” I choked on a sob caught in my throat. “I can’t…I need Tiz.”

  “I know,” he said. He stroked my hair. “I know.”

  “We can fix this, right, Dad?” I gazed up at him, but hope died inside me.

  His expression was bleak. “We can try.”

  “I want to go home.”

  Tanya smoothed her long, red bouncy hair then fluffed up the ends. She put her hand on my dad’s forearm. “I’ll see you later, Kent,” she said to him. I still couldn’t get used to her dating my dad. I spent my entire childhood hating her and her crowd, and the hate hadn’t stopped with time or distance. And now, my nemesis was my dad’s cuddle bunny. It was just all too gross. But again, not my biggest problem.

  We’d sort of made an uneasy alliance over Halloween, one that didn’t quite break into friendship, but we’d stop being enemies for the most part. The look of pity she gave me now made me wish for the days when she simply hated me.

  Dad kissed her cheek when she offered it, then to me, he said, “I’ll take you home, Haze.” With his arms still around me, he wiggled his fingers, and in a blink, we appeared in my living room.

  My home, which used to be the Milan House, had been owned by a creator witch Agatha Milan. She’d been one of the few members left of the town’s founding families until a rogue witch coven killed her.

  I still had nightmares about oily tar pits that opened to Hell. Ford still had nightmares about clowns. Halloween had been traumatic for everyone.

  Our house was a V
ictorian masterpiece set on a picturesque three acres at the south end of the town near Paradise Falls park. I’d fallen in love with it from the moment I’d driven up the driveway to question Agatha. Ford acquired it as an engagement present for me. It had dark walnut, hardwood floors, all original white crown molding separating the rose tint walls with the buff colored ceiling. I didn’t change much in the place except the furniture. Agatha Milan’s taste was more chic and less comfort. I really liked comfort. Agatha’s death was a tragedy, a big loss for Paradise Falls, but I couldn’t feel guilty about living in such a beautiful place.

  I was happy here. Or at least, I had been.

  “I have to meet with the coalition and let them know why the High Familiar Clowder is in town. Will you be all right for a while on your own?”

  “I lived in the human world for years, Dad. I think I can manage on my own without magic for a bit.” I hoped I sounded brave and not like a flipped out, magicless witch. “I’ll find Tizzy. We’ll make a plan. She’ll know what to do.” My words sounded hollow even to my own ears.

  “Do you know where she might be?”

  I blinked and looked at my father. “Who?”

  “Tisiphone?”

  “Why?” I narrowed my gaze. “Don’t even think about turning Tizzy in to save me? She’s family, and I would rather live the rest of a short life as a mortal than have her taken away and sent to the between.”

  “Now, Haze…”

  “No,” I snapped. “I swear to the goddess, Father, that if you betray Tizzy or me, I will never forgive you.”

  “You have forgiven me before.”

  “Only because you were innocent.” I shook my head. “Promise me. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me you won’t help them take her away from me.”

  My dad stared me straight in the eye, his unlined handsome face grim. “I am your father. If that means I have to do something that you’ll hate me for in order to keep you safe then I will.” He crossed the floor to me and kissed my forehead.

  “I don’t need you to keep me safe,” I told him. “I need you to have my back.”

  “I do, sweetheart.” He put his hands together. “I’ll be back soon.” And he was gone.

  I wanted to cry, but the rattling of a key in the front door stopped me from falling apart. All six foot nine inches of my man filed the entryway to the living room. Like always, he had to duck under the archway. He wore a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that were two sizes too small for him and looked like they’d been plucked from a lost and found bin. His black hair was messy and damp, and there was an undercurrent of rage behind his light blue eyes.

  He stopped when he saw me, almost as if surprised. “Haze.” His anger evaporated, replaced by bewilderment and shock. “Your scent. It’s…I…don’t smell vanilla or rum.”

  I blinked, aghast at his revelation. Our senior year, my friend Lily and I had gone to a party. We were not in the popular crowd. More freak than geek, but we were determined to have a good time. I got smashed on rum and cream soda, a really gross combination by the way, and kissed the high school quarterback on a dare.

  Ford said from the moment our lips touched, he’d picked up my scent. It was a thing that happened to Shifters when they found their true mates. For me, the mating scent took on the aroma of a multitude of cinnamon laden desserts. It was like being in a delicious bakery twenty-four-seven when he was around. Only…

  “Oh, Goddess,” I whispered, unable to stop the tears now. “I can’t smell you either.”

  Chapter Three

  “WHAT’S GOING on, Haze? The mating scent is for life. Nothing but a terrible betrayal could break that bond.”

  “Why do you assume this is my fault?” Uhm, maybe because I was the one under investigation, sanctions, and oh yeah, my magic had been taken away from me because I refuse to cooperate.

  Ford tugged the tight gray sweatshirt over his head, displaying his wide chest, peppered with dark hair, and robbing me of my speech for a second. Well, it was official, the mating scent might be gone, but my parts still wanted his parts.

  “What?” Ford asked.

  “Why are you wearing clothes that were made for a toddler?” I recalled our earlier phone conversation. “Did you fall in a lake?”

  “Yes,” he said. “But I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He kicked his tennis shoes off. “What happened to our mate bond?”

  I am a tough chick, so I did what any tough chick in my situation would do. I cried. Hard.

  Ford crossed the room quickly and put his arms around me. I pressed my face against his chest, the sobs coming even harder. “Just tell me what’s happening, Haze,” Ford said, his voice gentle and comforting. “I can’t fix this if you keep me in the dark.”

  I hiccupped and wiped my wet, snotty face against his hairy pecs. Ford cupped the back of my neck. “Tell me,” he said.

  “I…” I sniffed. “I d-d-don’t know.”

  “Ewww! Gross,” a squeaky voice exclaimed. “I’m in trouble, and you two are making out like a bunch of horny, drunken werebunnies on Vali’s Blot.”

  My heart squeezed as my oldest and dearest friend chastised the crap out of me. I stepped away from Ford and wiped my eyes.

  “We are not making out,” I said.

  “What’s Vali’s Blot?

  “It’s like Valentine’s day, Grizzly Adams,” Tiz snapped. “Oh, Haze!” She skittered across the floor, her nails clicking like a speed typist on the hardwood. Her claws bit into my skin as she climbed my pant legs, up the back of my shirt, and onto my shoulder. She tugged at my ear. “Are you crying because of me?”

  I shrugged and sniffled. “Maybe.”

  “Why is Tiz in trouble? What did she do?” A low growl started in his chest and erupted from his throat. “And why has it broken our mating bond?”

  “I didn’t do anything!” Tizzy squealed. “I won’t let them take me, Haze.” She grabbed two handfuls of my hair and yanked. “Never!”

  “That hurts,” I protested.

  She let go. “Sorry.”

  I rubbed the two bumps on my scalp. “I won’t let them take you, Tiz. You’re my familiar, and even more, you’re my family. We’ll figure this out.”

  “Now that you two have hashed that out, can someone please tell me what the nine levels of hell you guys are talking about and what it has to do with us?”

  “I don’t know why the scent thing isn’t working.” Once again, I was desperately close to tears.

  “Wait a minute,” Tiz said. “You guys have lost your bond?” She brushed back my hair and looked inside my ear.

  I flicked her finger away. “Stop that.”

  “I need to examine you, Haze.” She yanked my lobe firmly. “Hold still. I thought the HFC cut me off from you, but it’s worse than that, isn’t it?”

  Getting probed by a flying squirrel ranked right up there on the “last-thing-I-wanted list, ” but since the very last things on that list would be to lose Ford or Tizzy, I gave her the nod. “Fine. Do what you gotta.”

  I regretted my words the instant she stuck a finger in my ear. Ack! Next, she scurried over my head feeling all the bumps and dents in my scalp. She crawled around to my chest, balancing one foot on each boob. Thank heavens for padded bras, because otherwise, I’d have four little holes on each of the girls. She pried my mouth open and stuck her head in far enough her ears tickled the roof.

  “Gah,” I protested.

  “Hold still,” she chided. She pulled my peepers apart next and stared into each one. At the end of her examination, she darted her tongue out and licked my eyeball.

  I yelped and stumbled back. I would have knocked Tiz off me at that point, but she’d already launched herself to the couch.

  “What did you do, Hazel Kinsey?” Her tone bordered on accusing.

  “I let a rodent lick my eye.”

  “Your magic.” She pointed her finger at me. “It’s gone.”

  “What is she talking about, Haze? How can you
r magic disappear?” Ford asked.

  “It’s Tizzy’s fault. If she hadn’t fallen for that crabby ball of fluff, none of this would have happened.”

  “But I luuuuurve her,” Tizzy proclaimed.

  “I’m all for love,” I told her, but you shouldn’t have let her bond with you. Familiars bond with witches. They don’t bond with other familiars.” I hated that sounded like a public service announcement for the damn HFC. “You know your own magic has been changing beyond that of a familiar. There are rules, and you broke them. And now, the League of Annoying Cats have stripped me of my witch powers until I rat you out or you turn yourself in.”

  “They did what?” Ford gripped my upper arms, not hard, but firm. “What do you mean they’ve stripped you of your powers?”

  “Just what it sounds like.” I sighed. “For the next seventy-two hours, and maybe for eternity, I am a human. A freaking mortal.” I shook my head. “Oh Goddess, help me.”

  “I won’t let that happen,” Tiz said. “I’ll turn myself in right now.”

  I grabbed her by the bushy tail before she could even think about blinking out on me. “You will do no such thing, Tisiphone. I cannot go through eternity with a hairless, shriveled monster named Lonnie as my sidekick.”

  “Lonnie!” Tizzy spat, the gross loogie landed on my hand.

  “Ah!” I let her tail go, shaking the clinging spit to the floor. “That’s so disgusting.”

  “Not as disgusting as Lonnie. He’s a Grade A douchebag. You know, the kind your grandma used to use, red swollen bladder, long unhygienic tubing, and a nozzle that smells perpetually of vinegar and—”

  “Stop. I get the picture. Vividly. So vivid I might need therapy.” I shook my head and sat down on the couch next to Tizzy. “What are we going to do? I can’t let you turn yourself in. Even if it means I lose my magic.”

  Another growl diverted my attention from the squirrel. I looked up at Ford. His brow was furrowed, and there was an angry snarl on his lips. “And what about us?”

  “What do you mean? We’ll be fine.” Toads and newt eyes, losing my powers was going to lose me Ford. What if the only reason he was with me was because of the mating scent? It could make a Shifter pretty darn obsessive. What if he decided he wanted to be with someone else? Or Goddess forbid, what if he caught the mating scent with someone else? I couldn’t compete with a Shifter if he caught her scent. “I’ll get my magic back,” I promised. “I’ll figure this all out so we can be together.” I looked from Ford to Tizzy. “All of us.”