by Ramy Vance
Rueben wanted to do something, but Rueben-Z had pinned him down again. The brass statue in front of him had started to melt as a horizontal column of flame poured his way.
Another gunshot went off. This time it was Aki’s weapon. A pinging sound followed it and Aki said, “Oh shit!”
Rueben stole a glance at Aki as she fired twice more. Her bullets deflected harmlessly off the henchman advancing upon her.
“I think these guys are metal,” she called as she left her hiding place and dove behind the sofa Marshall and Carolyn were crouched behind.
“Because they are,” Rueben-Z roared. “A couple of Buzz’s bots. I reprogrammed them.”
Earlier, Rueben-Z had mentioned “robotic partners.” Rueben called to Buzz, “They don’t look like your kind of robots.”
The lumberjack henchman who had been plodding after Aki now turned and started trudging toward Martha’s position a few yards behind the other one. They moved like bulldozers. Martha fired a couple of shots that did nothing, and Aki rose from her position behind the sofa and shot one of the minions in the back of the head. The bullet deflected with a ping.
“Yes, they’re mine,” Buzz cried. “Binnie wasn’t my first humanoid robot. Not all my bots have boobs, you know.”
Rueben grimaced as he ducked back from another sweltering whoosh of fire. “I’m pretty sure they do, actually.”
“Webber doesn’t,” Aki helpfully said as she crouched next to Marshall and Carolyn.
“Thank you,” Buzz said.
Rueben groaned. “Can we please not discuss robot boobs as we’re all about to be melted alive?”
“Son.” Marshall met Rueben’s eyes. “Don’t let this get to your head, but I think you’re right about us needing to get out of here.”
“Can you repeat that, please?” Rueben knew it was immature, but damn it felt good to say that.
His dad ignored the quip and glanced at the fiery doorway. “Can’t get through the exit without roasting like a Christmas goose. And it seems he knows the layout of this place. Even if we could get through the doorway, he’d probably still be able to take out at least one of us.”
“Egads.” Buzz wiped a hand across his sweating forehead. “We wouldn’t have to escape the house. We only need to make it to the safe room. We’d need a diversion to escape this room though.”
“Come out, come out, wherever you are, little piggies!” Rueben-Z shouted above the blaze of his arm flamethrower. “I’m getting bored, and this house is getting hot.”
From across the room, Martha grunted as she kicked a side table into the two approaching lumberjack robots. It barely hindered them as they stomped toward her position. They were strong, but they were slow. Also, they didn’t talk.
Suddenly the sofa was engulfed in flames, and Marshall and Carolyn fled to behind a loveseat near Rueben’s position. Meanwhile, Aki hunkered down behind Rueben, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Your dad’s right. We have to go.”
“Diversion!” Buzz said to Rueben. “Now.”
“I’m not a trained monkey,” Rueben said.
“Sometimes, buddy, I wish you were.”
With her hand still on Rueben’s shoulder, Aki rose and fired another round at the minions who were almost to Martha.
“A diversion would be nice,” Martha called out. “Any time now.”
Diversion, Rueben thought, but all he could see was fire. Fire. Diversion. That’s when he glanced up at the ceiling and caught the reflection of a sprinkler head. Then he saw another and another. They were all over the ceiling, cleverly hidden among the artwork there. “Buzz, why aren’t the sprinklers working?”
“Fuck. I don’t know. They should be.”
Rueben-Z started to make his way toward Rueben’s position, the heat of the flames cooking the sweat on Rueben’s arms. “Ha. The intruder alarm wasn’t the only thing I disabled.”
Rueben had an idea. He swiveled his head and found himself face-to-face with Aki behind him. She looked so sexy with that determined look in her dark eyes and her pistol in her hand. Her pistol…
“Can you shoot the sprinkler system?”
She blinked. “Would that work?”
“It’s worth a shot.”
From across the room, Martha’s gun clicked empty. “I’m all out!”
As Aki raised her gun to shoot at the ceiling, Rueben-Z turned up the intensity on the flames, and she cried out. Dropping the gun, she fell against Rueben and then rolled away from him onto the floor. The sleeve of her robe was on fire, and she worked frantically to get the garment off.
Rueben-Z’s footsteps were growing closer. Aki managed to get out of the robe, but she was nowhere near her gun.
“The gun!” Marshall was shouting at Rueben. “Toss me the gun!”
Rueben reached out and scooped up the gun, but he didn’t toss it to his dad. He’d put in quite the combat training when they’d prepared for the Pout mission. He raised the gun and lined up his shot on the nearest sprinkler head set into the ceiling.
“Son, what the hell are you doing?”
Rueben pulled back to the shrinking cover of the melting statue as the flames flared and intensified again.
Aki crouched back behind him, wincing from the pain of her burned arm. “By my count, there’s only one bullet left. Make your shot count.”
Marshall slapped his palm to his head. “We’re fucked.”
“Hey, you scarred up evil bastard!” It was Martha coming toward them from across the room. She raised her arm and launched her empty gun at Rueben-Z. He grunted as it struck his shoulder and he turned and spewed some fire her way.
Taking a breath, Rueben leaned out from behind the brass statue and aimed at the sprinkler head. He fired, there was a ping, then…nothing.
“It was worth a try, buddy,” Buzz said. Then the ceiling started to rain. “All right!”
“That was a goddamn good shot,” Marshall muttered as water dripped from his head. “A goddamn good shot.”
Rueben-Z roared in rage.
Water continued to spray from the sprinkler system. Rueben-Z readjusted his stance and slipped in the pooling water. He roared even louder.
“To the safe room,” Buzz said. “Follow me! Everything will be all right.”
Chapter Eight
Tuesday, May 23, 3:31 a.m.
“Shit, shit, shit, this is bad,” Buzz kept saying as he stared at his computer screen.
They were all standing in his secret server room, the very one that contained the consolidated timeline calendar of all Rueben’s warps. Those synced here automatically via the nanobot Buzz had injected into Rueben. The door leading into here was reinforced and could take quite a beating if Rueben-Z decided to try to breach it, so they had some time to recover.
Rueben glanced up from Aki’s arm. It was only a minor burn, but judging from her winces, it hurt pretty bad. After making sure that she was okay, Rueben stepped over to his best friend.
“What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong? He’s locked me out of all my systems.”
“Pete, er—I mean Rueben-Z?” It felt weird calling his doppelgänger from another world the same name as his.
“No, the man in the fuckin’ moon. Yes, of course, Rueben-Z. How’s he in my system? How’s he know my passwords?”
Rueben hadn’t seen Buzz under this much stress in quite a while.
“He’s cut the Wi-Fi and my fiber optic line and…” Buzz pulled out his smartphone. “He’s blocking cell signal too? We can’t even call for help—”
Rueben grabbed Buzz by both shoulders. “Hold it together, man. We’re going to make it out of here, okay. Just breathe.”
Buzz met his eyes for the briefest of moments and started breathing again. Just then, Rosa stepped into the room through a hidden servant’s passageway with a platter containing aspirin, a beer, and a bottle of aloe. She handed the aloe to Aki and presented the aspirin and beer to Buzz.
He wasted no time in downing
the pill with a swig of beer. “Rosa, I love you. Ah, much better.”
“Jesus,” Marshall muttered from off to the side where he stood with Carolyn and Martha. “And that guy owns a mansion?”
Aki joined Rueben and Buzz while she gingerly rubbed aloe on her arm. “Maybe we can talk to Pete—I mean, Rueben-Z. See what he wants?”
Rueben nodded. “Negotiate?”
“Exactly. I have training in dealing with terrorists.”
“I think it’s clear what he wants,” Buzz said. “He wants to kill us. He’s pissed that we took away his warping powers.”
Rueben thought it over. “Yeah, but before the summit, he was only trying to get us out of the picture. He didn’t want any of us to die because he knew versions of us all that died on his home world. Who only knows how many other versions of ourselves he met on the other worlds he went to and accidentally destroyed when he brought the phenomenon with him—”
Suddenly a loud crackle filled the room from an overhead intercom. Buzz glanced up from his computer screen.
Rueben-Z’s voice came over the intercom. “I did not destroy all those worlds.”
Rueben looked confusedly at Carolyn. Carolyn nodded. She’d answer.
“I’m sorry, but a Buzz confirmed that it was true. He said that the phenomenon was linked to you and not me.”
Silence filled the room for a few moments.
“You mean the Buzz you stranded me with when you stole the space and time capsule?”
Carolyn didn’t know what to say. She glanced helplessly at Rueben.
“Look,” Rueben said. “Why don’t we talk like normal people here?”
“Normal people?” Rueben-Z scoffed. “We’re far from normal. We’re gods. Well, I used to be. Maybe it’s for the better…”
“Is that what you want? To die and be at peace?”
Silence. Then, “No. But I can still save this world. Just not with you and your friends opposing me.”
“You’d murder them in cold blood?” Rueben said. “They’re your friends.”
“Hah. That’s rich. I don’t even know you people. You’ve already died on other worlds. What’s different about this one?”
Aki stared down the intercom in the ceiling. “What’s different is that in this one, we’re going to kick your ass. You’re mortal, remember?”
“Ah, Aki. So full of spunk and fight.”
“We don’t have to fight anymore,” Carolyn blurted.
Rueben-Z sneered. “Says the mother who abandoned her son on one world, only to travel to a parallel world and abandon that son too.”
Carolyn started to shake, and Marshall caught her. “Shut up, you sonofabitch, you hear me? You hear me?”
“No, you shut up, Pops. We’re about the same age in this world, don’t forget. I’m bigger than you now. I’m not scrawny and weak.”
“I’m not afraid of you,” Marshall said, but he glanced at his out-of-shape body and sighed inwardly.
Aki leaned toward Rueben and Buzz and whispered, “This guy is not just going to let us go, and I’m not sure we’re going to be able to talk him down. He and his two robot minions could be right outside the room, waiting for us to try to escape.”
Buzz cocked an eye at her. “Are you trying to use subtext?”
“Huh? What I’m saying is, we may need to be prepared to use deadly force.”
Rueben felt like he was going to be sick to his stomach. “I don’t want to kill myself. Not if we don’t have to.”
“Son, he’s got a goddamn flamethrower, and he means business.” Marshall sighed. “Your woman’s got a good point. This is survival of the fittest. Is it going to be him or us?”
Off to the side, Carolyn was rubbing her eyes. Rueben clapped a hand to his head. Was it just him or was the room spinning?
Suddenly, a heavy thud sounded against the reinforced door to the server room. Then another. Everyone looked at each other. Thud, thud. Thud, thud. There were two sets of fists raining blows upon the other side.
“Those two asshole robots,” Martha said. “Aki, you got any more ammo left?”
Aki shook her head. Rueben had returned her gun to her after they’d reached the safe room.
Martha turned to Buzz. “You got any ammo down here?”
“Nada. It’s all up at the shooting range.”
Marshall looked perplexed. “You have a shooting range? Maybe I judged you too soon.”
“No.” It was Rueben. “Guns don’t work on the robots.”
“They’d work on Rueben-Z,” Martha said.
“We don’t have to kill—”
“Son, the world ain’t all sunshine and roses. We’re not all walking out of here alive unless you warp back or kill him. A peace treaty isn’t on his agenda.”
Thud, thud. Thud, thud.
The blows seemed to be louder now as if the door’s seal was starting to give. They didn’t have much time left. Maybe their best bet was for him to die and warp back to before Rueben-Z got here, but that was a variable they didn’t need, not when the time disease phenomenon seemed to be affected in some way by warping. If Rueben warped in the presence of Rueben-Z, that could jump-start the end of the world.
Rueben spotted Rosa hanging back against the wall, and he had an idea. “Rosa, you came in through a secret passage, right?”
“That is correct, Mr. Rueben.”
“Did you see where that man is in the mansion?”
“I am sorry, I did not.”
Thud, thud. Thud, thud.
Rosa’s eyes widened, and she looked up at her master. “Mr. Buzz. I have an idea. A plan. Although you may not like it.”
Buzz looked irritated. He’d already finished his beer and had realized that he didn’t have another one. “What kind of plan?”
“One inspired by my favorite soap opera.”
Rueben, for one, liked Rosa’s plan. Codenamed Operation Pedro, it involved faking their death, not so that they could run off with another lover but so that Rueben-Z would finally leave them alone. Which meant that no one had to die.
Rueben didn’t want anyone to have to die. He just hoped that Marshall could fit through Rosa’s secret servant’s passage.
It was a tight squeeze. They’d all barely managed to wriggle inside the narrow passageway and replace the secret wall panel behind them as the reinforced door to Buzz’s server room caved in with a loud boom.
At first, Rueben feared that the two robots might hear them moving in the passageway, but it turned out that he didn’t have to worry about that. As soon as the lumberjack minions had entered the server room, they started destroying the place. At least that’s what it sounded like. Computer screens crashed against the wall. Glass crackled underfoot. Wires short-circuited. Desks being overturned and slammed against the floor.
Directly in front of Rueben in the narrow passage, Rosa led the way, a flashlight held in one hand so that she could make sure they took the correct path whenever it diverged to other parts of the mansion. The rest of them held their smartphones to provide some light. Otherwise, it would have been pitch black.
Once, Aki thought she felt a spider crawling on her arm. She bumped into Rueben and whispered for Rosa to hurry up. Finally, they came to a wall, and Rosa turned back to face them with a finger raised to her lips. In her black and white maid’s outfit, the scene seemed almost comical.
They all turned off their smartphone lights, and Rosa opened the secret panel. They followed her out into a kitchen. It was mostly empty, but a few pots and pans were lying on the countertops, as well as a knife block and a marble rolling pin. The sprinklers weren’t on in this part of the building so they didn’t have to worry about slipping in any water.
Even though the server room was a good distance away, the sound of the rampaging robots echoed through the passageway. Rueben leaned over to Buzz and said, “I’m sorry about all your computers. I know that room meant a lot to you.”
Buzz nodded grimly. “It’s all saved to the cloud, but…yeah
, it was a good fortress of solitude for me. I’ll miss it a lot.”
“At least those two robots are occupied.”
Buzz smirked. “Yep. They won’t give us any more trouble. They’re strong but dumb as shit.”
“What’s their name?”
“Bob.”
Once everyone had stepped into the kitchen, Rosa stepped back into the passageway. “I shall go and release the animals. The goat and the monkey. Be safe.”
Buzz nodded and motioned for everyone to follow him. They were rounding a wheeled stainless steel prep table and heading toward the doorway out when a figure stepped into the room. It was much too petite to be Rueben-Z.
“Binnie?” Buzz said. “What are you doing here?”
The sexbot wearing nothing but lingerie posed seductively in the doorway with one hand resting on the frame.
After all this time, Rueben still found it hard to believe that Buzz’s Binnies were robots. Binnie stepped into the kitchen and sauntered toward them with those long, toned legs, silky smooth brown hair, and huge brown eyes with thick, voluminous lashes. Rueben couldn’t take his eyes off her. There was absolutely nothing about her that indicated she was a machine.
When she passed him, she winked at him and grazed her fingertips over his leg. His heartbeat quickened. Aki gave both him and Binnie the stink eye, and Binnie proceeded back to Marshall. Sizing him up, she arched her back and placed her palms on his shoulders.
“Wowza,” Marshall said. Carolyn nudged him irritably, but he was entranced.
Suddenly a second figure entered the room, a man wearing a tux. He had both arms raised slightly and was making odd circular jerking gestures with his hands close together. It was…bizarre and slightly unnerving for Rueben to watch.
“Webber?” Martha said.
“Who?” Rueben said.
“The tiki bar bartender.”
He had no clue what that was all about but at least the robotic hand motions now made sense. Webber was trying to wipe out a nonexistent glass instead of doing something dirty.
“But what are they doing here…” Rueben mused as Webber stopped “wiping his glass” and picked up a marble rolling pin sitting on the counter. Rueben turned in time to see Binnie slide a chef’s knife out from a knife block near her waist. His eyes widened in horror. “It’s a trap!”