by Ramy Vance
Binnie spun and sliced at Rueben’s chest but he quick-stepped away from her, a move he’d perfected during his ballroom dancing days. As fast as he’d been though, the knife had nicked his shirt and drawn a thin scratch of blood.
Binnie went down in a sexy crouch and was about to leap upward at Rueben with the knife when Aki slammed a cast iron pan against the back of Binnie’s head. The sexbot crumpled like a sack of potatoes.
Rueben drew a quick breath. “Thanks.”
Buzz wasn’t so lucky. Webber swung the marble rolling pin down at him, and Buzz raised his arm in defense. It didn’t break, but Buzz cried out in a voice probably loud enough for Rueben-Z to hear, wherever he was.
“I’ll decommission you for that,” he gasped.
Webber smiled mischievously. “What would you like to drink?”
“Drink this.” Marshall closed his meaty hands around the stainless steel prep table. With a grunt, he shoved it forward. Its wheels made a screeching sound as it crashed into Webber at the waist.
“Ow. Would you like a drink?”
Marshall hobbled up to the prep table and put his back into it as he smashed Webber up against the wall with a crunch. Webber’s torso collapsed onto the prep table.
“Would you like a drink? Would you like a drink?”
“Leave him, let’s go,” Buzz said, nursing his aching arm.
They followed Buzz out into a hallway, and Buzz stopped in his tracks as Rueben-Z stepped out of a doorway at the far end.
Rueben caught Buzz on the shoulder.
“Ow, man.”
Rueben grabbed Buzz’s other shoulder instead. “I know this part of the mansion. You take everyone else. I’ll buy us some time.”
The urgency in Buzz’s eyes was painful. “We don’t have much time.”
Rueben knew what he meant. The plan… He gripped his friend’s shoulder and chuckled. “Just don’t leave without me. I’ll meet you there. Trust me.”
“You could die,” Martha said. “I thought you weren’t going to do any warping until we knew more about the phenomenon.”
Rueben smirked. “I’ve done my fair share of dying in this mansion, training for the Pout mission. I’m not going to die again.”
Aki, now standing beside Rueben, bit her lip. “I’ll stay with you.”
“Stay and die,” Rueben-Z taunted from the end of the hallway as he popped his knuckles.
Rueben shook his head. “I know him. I know how he thinks. I’ll be safe. I’m not going to die.” He embraced her, and she hugged him back tightly. He thought she might have choked back a tear as she did so. Probably not though. She was a badass special agent.
“You better not die.” She leaned in and kissed him quick on the lips.
Hell no, I’m not gonna die. Not after that, Rueben thought as his friends and parents started off in the opposite direction. With his heart hammering with excitement, Rueben faced Rueben-Z and called, “Try to keep up!”
He really hadn’t thought this plan through. Rueben was taking the stairs two at a time, and he was already starting to get winded. The only thing keeping him going was Aki’s kiss.
Man, he really needed to start running more. Behind him, Rueben-Z surprisingly didn’t try to roast him with the flamethrower. Did he know that Rueben was running out of steam? Was he just toying with him?
“How did you like my reprogramed version of Buzz’s Binnie and Webber?”
Rueben made it to the top of the steps. Up ahead were the ornate oak doors with the bronze lion doorknobs. “We took care of them.”
“Ooh, you killed them? You’re turning to the dark side rather quickly.”
Rueben threw open one of the doors to the theater and dashed inside. By the time Rueben-Z had entered, Rueben was already midway through a row of seats, working his way to the exit on the other side.
“You know,” Rueben-Z said, “they say life is a stage—”
“Cut the bullshit. My friends might think you’re beyond saving, but I still believe in you.”
Rueben-Z pursued Rueben through the rows of seats, gaining on him. It was a rather wide home theater. “You believe in me? Hah. As Marshall would say, cry me a river.”
That’s it, Rueben thought as Rueben-Z closed in on him. The door was close, but the theater seats were slowing him down in his fatigued state. Play to his emotions…
“Of course,” Rueben called out loudly over his shoulder. “Maybe they’re right. How many worlds have you murdered? You must be the most cold-hearted bastard in existence—”
There was a roar of fury behind Rueben. “I am not to blame! I am trying to fix things!”
Flames whooshed up behind Rueben as he reached the end of the row. Gulping in air, he dove and scrambled to his feet for the side door as Rueben-Z spun in a slow half-circle, incinerating the theater around him. “It’s not my fault,” he was still shouting as Rueben made his way out and back down the steps to the ground floor.
He wasted no time in scampering breathlessly to Buzz’s hangar on the other side of the building. He was panting quite heavily when he reached it and was glad to see a dual-rotor jet-copter beside the open, massive hangar door.
One of the jet-copter’s doors was open, and his friends and parents were already inside and buckled in. Buzz was hanging out through the jet-copter’s door and waving him onward. “Get to the chopper!”
Rueben felt like puking as he clambered up inside. Buzz closed the door and climbed into the cockpit. Even as Rueben struggled to harness himself in, the jet-copter was already out the hangar door and rising steadily.
Marshall nudged him from one side. “Your friend Buzz is an all-right guy.”
Rueben nodded, taking quick breaths to try to recover.
On his other side, Aki said, “You did good. I never doubted you.” She kissed him.
Martha grinned and shouted over the engine, “Rosa got the goat and monkey out of the conservatory.”
Suddenly Buzz’s voice came over the jet-copter’s intercom. “Okay, everyone take a look out the window behind us.”
Buzz pulled a remote from his bathrobe’s pocket and raised it dramatically. Then he pushed a button, and fire erupted from inside the mansion far below them. The building exploded into a gigantic fireball, painting the night sky in orange, red, and yellow.
“If we’re lucky,” Buzz said, “Rueben-Z will think we died in the blast. If we’re really lucky, he died.”
Rueben shook his head. “I don’t think we’re that lucky.”
“If he did die,” Carolyn said, “we are definitely not lucky. He’s the cure to the time disease, remember?”
Rueben leaned back against his seat. “Guess we’ll have to wait and see.”
Marshall grunted. “Waiting to see if a time virus-infected psychopath survived a bomb blast… Kinda reminds me of waiting for a colonoscopy result.”
Maybe Rueben-Z got out, and perhaps he didn’t. Exhausted as he was, Rueben no longer cared at the moment. He rested his head back, and soon he was asleep.
Chapter Nine
Wednesday May 24, 9:32 a.m.
Rueben woke to the smell of coffee. It took him a moment to remember where he was, and for a few minutes, all he saw was the wooden base of a bottom bunk. Then it came back to him. He was resting in the bunkroom of Buzz’s underground lair.
The Bat Cave.
He seriously had to name it that.
Aside from the authentic stone walls, the spartan room had black concrete floors and three wooden bunk beds installed against the walls. There was a tiny bathroom at one end.
Across from him, Marshall was silent in slumber, thank God for that. Rueben always appreciated the rare moments when Marshall’s mouth was closed. He almost looked peaceful. In the bunk above his dad was Carolyn. He hoped things worked out well between his parents once this was all over with.
Maybe then he could get a place for himself and not have to worry about leaving Marshall alone. Or better yet, perhaps he and Aki could get one to
gether. Take it slow, Rueben, he reminded himself. He smelled Aki’s perfume in the bunk above him, and his heart quickened.
Martha slept in the remaining bottom bunk with her dark hair splayed across a pillow. The spot above Martha’s bed was empty. Buzz hadn’t stayed in here. He’d stayed in the luxurious master suite at the end of the hall.
The Bat Cave was underground at some very private property Buzz owned in the Catskill Mountains, and they’d flown here directly after Buzz blew up his mansion. RIP mansion. Buzz, oddly enough, didn’t seem too bothered by that now. They still didn’t know if they’d caught Rueben-Z in the blast or if he’d escaped, but Rueben figured he probably made it out alive. The villain always did.
In any case, Rueben had never been this far upstate, and the clean mountain air and wide-open spaces were quite unsettling to him. It had taken Martha streaming ambient city noise off her phone for any of them to get any sleep in the silent underground bunk room at first. Rachel, his ex-fiancée, had once mentioned hiking up in these mountains, but the appeal for Rueben had been right up there with root canals and colonoscopies.
Apologies to Tim McGraw, but Rocky Mountain climbing—or any other mountain adventure, for that matter—did not sound like a way to live like one was dying. It sounded more like a way to get mauled by a cougar or slip and break one’s leg, and with no medical facilities nearby…
No thanks.
Still, here he was.
The view on the flight over here had been quite stunning: lots of rolling mountains and grassy peaks dotted with mountain streams.
“So why do you have a secret lair?” Rueben had asked.
Buzz had smiled, and the aircraft had dipped low. For a man that lived for the laws of physics, Buzz sure was a shitty driver and a worse pilot. He winked. “Wouldn’t you have one if you could?”
“So you have a secret lair for the hell of it?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“Well, I guess I can’t argue with that logic.”
“Plus, you know, chicks dig it if you have a secret lair.”
“Really? How’d that work out for Hannibal Lecter?”
“Ah, come on, man. You know that hurts. Why do you have to do that?”
Rueben had laughed, and Buzz had frowned. Then he’d had to pull the aircraft out of a nosedive. When they finally made it to Buzz’s private landing strip complete with two fully gassed-up Jeeps, Rueben had never been so glad. That was promptly followed by a harrowing Jeep trip through the mountains and a descent through a trapdoor, down an endless flight of stairs.
They were so exhausted that they’d basically only rested for the rest of Tuesday. Buzz had mentioned that the Bat Cave had several amenities and showed them a map, but they hadn’t explored.
For the moment, all they had were the dirty clothes on their backs—a swimsuit in Aki’s case, and a swimsuit and bathrobe for Martha—but Buzz said he’d sent Rosa to grab some clothes for them. He had some spare outfits here for himself but not much beyond that. In the meantime, they’d all tended to their wounds and got cleaned up. Aki had bandaged Rueben up from Hacked Binnie’s knife attack. They’d all gone to bed early.
Now, it was morning. Rueben sat up in his bunk and hit his head on the top, and the wood thudded against his skull. Above him, Aki gently stirred. She peered down below, and he saw her smile. God, she looked beautiful in the morning, her dark hair tousled, and her bare face natural and raw against the low lamplight coming in from the adjacent bathroom.
She leaned her head on her palm and whispered, “Hey there.”
Yeah, maybe Buzz was onto something about the whole chicks and secret lairs thing. Rueben climbed out and leaned against her bunk. “So, how’s this for a night out?”
She laughed softly. “I can honestly say that this is the most unique date I’ve ever been on.”
“You know, some guys do dinner and a movie…I thought I’d mix it up a bit.”
She winked and tossed her legs over the ladder. “Rueben Peet, no one could ever accuse you of being ordinary.” He laughed, and she sat up, and her head bonked against the ceiling. “Geez, what did Buzz design this place for?”
From the darkness, Marshall muttered, “Would you two just fuck and get it over with so the rest of us could get some sleep?”
Rueben blushed and rubbed his face, and Aki rolled her eyes and descended the ladder. They both stumbled out of the bunk room and into a large living area.
The living room had orange-and-purple couches, lava lamps on end tables, and gothic sconce lighting on the walls. A large television hung above an electric fireplace. A large round oak table occupied one end of the room, and Buzz sat in a chair in his silk robe, pajamas, and slippers, engrossed in a tablet over his morning coffee and toast.
Rueben rubbed his arms. With the concrete floor and being who only knew how far underground, the fireplace was necessary. He sat on the hearth and warmed his hands. Aki joined him, and for a moment it was only the two of them and the gentle heat.
A blandly mechanical and yet female-looking robot waddled into the room, sweeping the floor with a broom. She was taller and more barrel-chested than Rosa, and instead of looking human like Binnie and Webber, she kind of resembled the robot maid on The Jetsons.
She had a sort of rectangular head with glowing lights for eyes, and her skin was all silver and metal. She was flat-chested with a digital screen on her front, and she had blonde pigtails. Rueben liked Binnie better. As soon as the robot sensed Rueben and Aki standing there, it stopped, turned toward them, and asked in a monotone, “Would you like coffee and toast?”
Aki and Rueben stared at each other open-mouthed, and Rueben rubbed the back of his head. “Sure. Why not?”
Aki piped up, “I’d like a soy macchiato with extra foam.”
Rueben looked at her. “What do you think this is, Starbucks?”
Aki gave him a sly smile. “You think Buzz programmed a robot that can’t make a good cup of coffee?”
“You do have a point there.”
“I’m sure she’s a damn good bartender too.”
The robot left the room, and Buzz casually looked up from his tablet. “She is quite the bartender, I will say.”
Rueben and Aki joined Buzz at the table. “What’s this robot’s name?” Rueben asked.
“That’s Emma. She’s from my kitchen staff line. I hope to have her commercially viable within five years.”
“You have a kitchen line?”
“Oh, I have much more than that.”
“What happened to Rosa?”
“I’m not at liberty to say.”
Rueben and Aki stared at each other blankly.
“She is getting us clothes, right?” Aki said.
“Yes.”
Rueben looked at Buzz. “Do you have any other hideouts like this one?”
“Oh, several. That’s all you need to know.”
Rueben didn’t see the point in asking any more questions. He figured he’d never get to the end of who Buzz was or what he was up to.
Martha, Marshall, and Carolyn stumbled out now, all folding their arms in the cold. Marshall and Carolyn stood off at the back of the group and didn’t seem to want to engage with anyone besides each other.
Buzz set down his coffee. “Good morning, everyone. I trust the accommodations were satisfactory. Did we all sleep well?”
Emma soon arrived with Aki’s soy macchiato and a black coffee and bland toast for Rueben.
Aki sipped her macchiato and whistled. “This is good.”
Rueben spooned sugar into his coffee. “This is what I get for being nice to the robot.”
Marshall slapped him on the back. “That’s why nice guys finish last.”
“Yeah? So what’s your excuse?”
Everyone chuckled at the banter, even Marshall, who didn’t seem fazed by Emma’s presence. “Yeah, Emma, I’d like a black coffee and toast with a slab of butter and jam. And hash browns, if you got them. Not too soft, not too hard, and wit
h just the right amount of grease.”
Rueben glanced at Carolyn. They both wondered if Emma’s hash browns would be up to Marshall’s standards. Martha and Carolyn placed their orders—bagels and coffee—and Emma beeped and left the room.
Everyone was quiet now, sitting awkwardly in the living room, and Marshall and Carolyn stepped out what Rueben termed as the cave’s “fake” front door. Beyond it was the winding staircase that led up to the trap door. Outside the real front door of the cave was a small quaint sitting area, and Marshall and Carolyn had spent much of last night out there.
Buzz watched them leave. “I guess they have a lot of catching up to do.”
Rueben sighed, glad they were getting along better now.
He leaned back into the couch and listened to the sounds of Emma making breakfast. To the side of him, Martha sat at a coffee table. Rueben had mostly recovered from his previous days’ exertions, and now he was starting to get bored.
Now what?
Buzz glanced at everyone still inside. “Okay, what are our next steps? Clearly, we need to prepare in case Rueben-Z is still out there. If he survived, he probably wants to kill us even more now that we tried to blow him up.”
“He tried to burn us up first,” Martha said.
Aki ran her hand through her hair. “Do you think Rueben-Z knows about this hideout?”
Buzz shook his head. “Of course not. This is a safe place for us. No human knows of these contingency bases except for me. I had robots build it, in case you didn’t know.”
Martha eyed him sharply. “What if Rueben-Z found out about it from a Buzz on a different Earth?”
“Well, that’s a possibility, but—”
Aki interjected, “Yeah, I say there’s a pretty good chance that Rueben-Z knows all your hideouts no matter how secret you think they are on this Earth.”
Buzz looked like he wanted to argue, but then he deflated.
Emma showed up at that point and ejected full plates of everyone’s breakfast from her steel abdomen. She laid them all out neatly on the coffee table. All the dishes were steaming hot and looked delicious.