If This World Were Mine

by E. Lynn Harris

  “So it’s like that, huh? You thinking I’m playing, don’t you?”

  “I hope you’re playing, Man, how do you sound calling me before the fact talking about killing somebody. Basil, it’s like you haven’t change a bit. Man, that’s lame. I’ve got to run.”

  “Raymond …”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wait, I need to talk. Don’t you want to know who I might have to kill?”

  “Like I said, I pray you’re joking. And two, I’ve got to run. Nice talking with you Basil. Keep in touch.”

  “Raymond …” I didn’t hear a response and the line went dead. This mofo hung up on me. I couldn’t believe this shit. I got so mad, I destroyed the second phone of the night.

  At the mystic moment when darkness and dawn meet, my demons awakened me. My body was moist with sweat. I sat up, in shock, staring at my reflection, backed by a fluorescent brightness in the terrace’s sliding glass door. Without the blinds the door is like a full-length mirror cluttered with memories.

  A nightmare I hadn’t dreamed in some fifteen years returned with vivid details and new characters. Raymond and Yolanda were looking at me lying in my twin bed with the plaid bedspreads and matching curtains. Watching me as my uncle Mac slipped into my room, and then into my bed, at the same time every morning, darkness at dawn. The uncle I would run to greet at the gate whenever he came to stay with me, when my dad’s job took him out of town. My uncle Mac, who would let me stay out way past my bedtime playing catch with neighborhood boys and my cousins. Uncle Mac, who would pop corn in a black skillet and then cover it with Karo syrup. My uncle, my daddy’s brother, adored by all. And standing there, watching us, were Yolanda and Raymond, shaking their heads in a way I couldn’t tell if it was sympathy or shame.

  The memories of my childhood are coming to the surface like boiling water. But why now? I ask myself. Memories that are like Holyfield body blows. Any one of them could knock me reeling.

  I jump from my bed and race to my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. A rage warms my entire body. I was gripped with an all-consuming anger, tempted to pick up the phone and call him and say die, you worthless mutherfucker. But I don’t have a working phone. I feel at this moment I could kill him. I want to cry, but I can’t. I don’t cry. Tears are the ultimate sign of weakness. Tears are for sissies. My uncle Mac taught me that.

  Chapter 34

  “Leland! What are you doing answering the door? Why aren’t you lying down? Where is your mother and Uncle Doc?” Leland stood in his foyer with a cane, smiling at me like I was his first date.

  “Yolanda, which question do you want me to answer first? I’m fine, thank you,” Leland said as I passed him and went into his living room. I put my shopping bag of presents on the floor and took off my coat, then stood with my hands on my hips, waiting for baby-boy to make his way down the hall, through the dining room and into the living room. As soon as he made the corner, I let him have it again.

  “Didn’t you just get out of the hospital? Isn’t that the reason we’re having the meeting here—so you can keep your butt in bed!” I wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t completely kidding either. It had been only a little more than a month since doctors had removed a bullet lodged so close to Leland’s heart, it was God’s grace he was still among the living.

  “Yogi, I told you, I’m fine. Come on here and give me some love,” Leland said as he opened his arms.

  The shooting had taken its toll on Leland. But he was on his way back. He had lost weight and his face looked drawn and tired. He was wearing the navy blue pajamas that Riley and Selwyn had given him when he was in the hospital and the paisley silk robe I gave him last Christmas. He was still moving around slowly, as though the slightest twist or turn would cause him great pain.

  “You sure I won’t hurt you?” I asked before I gave him a hug.

  “Like I said, give me some love,” Leland said.

  “You sure you can take all this?” I asked as I attempted a bodybuilder, muscle-flexing pose and opened my arms wide to embrace him. I held him as gingerly and as lovingly as I could, planting a dozen kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, and the tip of his nose.

  “I love you too,” he said, and sat carefully down on the middle sofa, facing the fireplace.

  “Leland! This Christmas tree is over!” The huge fir stood glorious in the corner near the windows. It was decorated the old-fashioned way—just like when I was a kid. Strings of colored bulbs crisscrossed all around the tree, ready to shine. Red, green, blue, and gold ornaments hung on every branch, while angels, candy canes, and lots of silver tinsel and a Black Santa with a kente-cloth hat adorned the top. The only thing missing was construction-paper chains we used to make in kindergarten.

  “Would you believe Uncle Doc and my mom are in the kitchen stringing popcorn? Maybe if you’re a good girl, they’ll let you help decorate the tree,” Leland teased.

  “Despite what you may have heard—I am a good girl. Definitely good.”

  “You do look good,” Leland said.

  “You know, Leland, after all that’s gone on during the last few months, I’m happy that I’m healthy, that I still got all my friends—and I’m wiser than I was before. Life is good, baby-boy.”

  “Yeah,” Leland said wistfully. “Life and God are very good.” He seemed to look in my direction, but his eyes told me his thoughts had drifted away from this moment.

  “You know something, Yolanda,” he said, still staring off into the distance. “I almost died.” Leland spoke slowly like he was having trouble believing it himself.

  I sat beside him and held his hand in my lap. “I know, baby-boy,” I said.

  “No, I don’t think you can know. It’s not like ‘Whew! Lucky me, I almost died.’ It’s like, I should be dead now … but I’m not. I feel like I’m not all the way here, at times.” He paused, then looked at me directly as he tried to make himself clearer. “I mean, we all know God answers prayers. So many times I’ve wished, prayed to be with Donald. When I’d get down and miss him so much, I’d pray that the Lord take me too. But he didn’t.”

  “That’s because other people were praying also. Maybe he was too busy hearing our prayers that he didn’t hear yours. I’m thankful for that,” I said.

  “Was it the power of other people’s love that kept me here? Was it my own will to live? Is there some purpose to my being here? I don’t know what it is I’m feeling, what I’m supposed to do now. I just know that I’m desperately grateful to be alive.” Leland’s eyes welled up with tears, and so did mine.

  “I don’t know what I would have done if you’d left me, Leland. You know I love you.” I took Leland’s face in my hands and looked at him hard as though the answer to life were hidden there in his deep brown eyes.

  “You do know that, don’t you?” I repeated.

  “Yes, I know it,” he whispered. “Give me some love, Miss Thing Alinga. Just hold me.”

  “Miss Thing Alinga? Where’d you get that name from?” I laughed.

  “From Uncle Doc and Mama. That’s what he’s been calling her all week.” Leland smiled. I hugged Leland once again, and then proceeded to cry softly in his arms. And then he started crying, but it felt so good to be with my best friend.

  “What the heck is going on here! Mattie! Come on in here and just look at this pitiful sight. God almighty, y’all. It’s a week before Christmas and you two are sitting here bawling your eyes out. I thought this was ’sposed to be a party!” Uncle Doc stood before us, smiling from all directions and holding a string of popcorn as long as he was tall. A chef’s apron with splatters of different sauces covered his neatly pressed oyster-colored rayon shirt and gray slacks. He sported a big red bow tie with tiny green reindeers all over it. Uncle Doc was the picture of Christmas and good cheer.

  “Now, Mattie and me, we know how to party. Ain’t that right, Miss Thing Alinga?” Leland’s mother, in a red sweater with a decorated fir tree on the front, came and stood beside Uncle Doc. She shook her hea
d and sucked her teeth.

  “You’re absolutely right, Mr. Thing. This is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Maybe we should just break down and have us a good cry too.” She looked at Uncle Doc and gave him a wink.

  “I don’t think so,” Uncle Doc said as he pulled a gingham handkerchief from his back pocket and told us to wipe out faces and cheer up.

  “Mattie, these young’uns need a little Christmas cheer,” Uncle Doc said.

  “I’ll get us all some eggnog.” Mattie turned toward the kitchen just as the doorbell buzzed. She changed her course mid-stride and added, “I’ll get it. Uncle Doc, you bring in the punch bowl and the cups. And, mister? Do not make that eggnog any more ‘special’ than it already is! Put on some of that Vanessa Williams Christmas music. That ought to get things rolling ’round here!”

  “No cryin’ on the popcorn, you here me, Boo?” Uncle Doc chuckled and walked off down the hall whistling “Jingle Bell Rock.”

  “I bet it’s Dwight,” I said, standing to smooth the wrinkles from my kelly green sweater dress. I found my purse on the floor behind the sofa and freshened my lipstick. I walked into the dining room to look at my reflection in the glass case that housed Leland’s African instrument collection.

  “So, Yogi, what’s up with you and Dwight?” Leland yelled back at me. “Don’t you think I didn’t notice you two at the hospital. You guys were never there without the other. I saw them looks.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked as I checked my curls in the reflection.

  “You know what I mean,” Leland said. “I don’t think I can make it any clearer: What’s up with you and my boy Dwight?”

  “Let me take your coats,” we heard Uncle Doc say as he headed back down the hall. Saved, I thought, though I didn’t really know why I was trying to hide my feelings from Leland. I guess I just wasn’t too sure how I really felt about Dwight, and after John, I knew I was being overly cautious. I didn’t want Leland or anybody to think I was foolish for jumping back into the fire, but I liked the way Dwight and I talked and enjoyed each other’s company. Even if it was just friendship. I knew I’d never have too many special friends. Romance could wait.

  “Merry Christmas, everybody!” It was Riley, and girlfriend looked fantastic. She wore a bloodred velvet sheath that hugged her body. It had a semi-plunging neckline, and her hair cascaded over her shoulders seductively, covering her cleavage.

  “Girl, you look great! I don’t know who’s in charge. You or that dress. Honey, I’m going to get the name of that trainer of yours,” I said.

  “Thanks, Yolanda,” Riley said. “I feel fabulous.”

  “You are radiant, Riley. Your hair is flowing, your skin is glowing. Now, your trainer can’t be the real secret. Tell me where I can get some of whatever it is you’ve been using. Has Wanda Mae come up with some new makeup?”

  Riley leaned close to me and whispered, “You’re right, girl, it’s not Wanda Mae, it’s not my trainer, it’s Selwyn. He’s been keeping me real happy, girl. Know what I mean?” We giggled like schoolgirls and gave each other hugs and kisses.

  “Where have you guys hidden my wife?” I heard Selwyn ask as he walked into the living area. Selwyn’s face was almost completely hidden behind a big stack of exquisitely wrapped packages. He had on a red Santa Claus hat with little bells at the pointed end.

  “We almost didn’t make it after I saw Riley in that dress,” Selwyn said as he peeked around the packages and gave Riley a smile full of love and a little mischief. “Tell them, baby,” he said.

  “You need to stop, Selwyn.” Riley blushed too, just a few shades lighter than her dress.

  “You both need to stop,” I teased, “I know green is a Christmas color, but it doesn’t look good when it’s envy.” I took the top three boxes, while Riley placed her purse and bags on one of the couches.

  “Uncle Doc and Mattie have been cooking all morning. I hope you two can keep your hands off each other so you can get the forks to your mouths.” The three of us laughed and took the presents and placed them under the tree.

  “Oh, don’t mind me,” Leland said, “I just live here. Can I get some Christmas cheer or what? Come give me a kiss, Miss Riley, with your fine self. I mean, you’re wearing that red, girl. Hey, how you doing, Selwyn? Good to see you, man. How are the kids?”

  “They’re doing great! They will be home tomorrow,” Selwyn said as he moved toward Leland on the couch.

  “Yeah, all three of them,” Riley said.

  “Three?” Leland asked as he looked at me.

  “Yes, three. Ryan is bringing her boyfriend, Perry, home for the holidays,” Riley said.

  “Say what?” Leland hollered. “How are the two of you handling that?”

  “We’ll see,” Selwyn said as he turned toward Leland and asked with genuine concern, “How’re you feeling, man? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

  “I’m okay, really. Why don’t you guys go in the kitchen and let Uncle Doc pour you some eggnog.”

  I went and turned the volume down on the music, and then took the popcorn strings from Leland’s lap and hung them on the tree. The late afternoon winter light filtered dimly through the blinds and gave the room a cozy, peaceful feeling. I watched as Selwyn placed a pillow behind Leland’s head and Riley pulled a quilt over his lap. A room full of love, I thought. That’s what we have here tonight.

  “I’ll get it!” Mattie’s voice called out from the kitchen. I heard her heels clicking on the kitchen floor, then the muted sound of her footsteps down the hall. My heart beat just a little faster when I heard her say, “Who is this handsome man? C’mon in, baby, everybody’s here. Let me take your coat. Is this snow? Has it started snowing?”

  “Just a few flakes,” I heard Dwight say as I walked to the door. He was wearing a red sweater with a gray band and black corduroy slacks, and greeted me with a warm smile.

  “Dwight,” I said, “we were wondering when you’d get here.”

  “We? Did you say we?” Mattie teased, sounding more like her son.

  “Now, Mattie,” I said, feeling my cheeks begin to glow. “It’s good seeing you, Dwight. Let’s go get some eggnog.” Dwight leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I grabbed his hand and smiled as I led him into the living area. Just before we reached the room, he whispered, “I like that dress.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Scott, you don’t look so bad yourself.” I felt warm all over now, and I hoped I wasn’t blushing noticeably. When we walked in, Leland looked at me with a huge grin and a don’t-even-try-it expression on his face. Clearly he was pleased with what he read into our brief exchange.

  “So,” Dwight said, turning to look at Leland, “how’s my blood doing?”

  “I’m doing okay, Dwight. Thanks for asking,” Leland replied.

  “Naw, man. I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about my blood! You know you got some of my blood running through you now?”

  “Is that why Riley and Yolanda suddenly look so good to me?” Leland teased.

  “Could be. Maybe you’re ready to change your religion,” Dwight joked.

  “As long as it doesn’t mean I’m gonna be straight!” Leland laughed.

  “It could be a movie, like Black Like Me,” Riley said.

  “More like Blood Like Me,” Selwyn joked, and gave Dwight a low-five. We all shared a good laugh, and Leland tried to contain himself to a smile, but finally burst into laughter too.

  “Oh, oh, ow, Donald, I’m coming to join you, baby,” Leland joked, placing his hand to his chest, like he was in pain like Redd Foxx on Sanford and Son.

  “I’m sorry, man,” Dwight said, frowning, not realizing Leland was playing. “I really didn’t mean to cause you any pain. I wasn’t thinking. Are you okay?”

  “He’s fine, Dwight. Leland, stop kidding him,” I said in a protective tone.

  “Look at her, taking up for her man,” Leland said.

  “You don’t want me, Dr. Thompson,” I said as I pinched his cheeks.


  “Stop, that hurts,” Leland said.

  “When are we going to get started? Selwyn and I need to go home and get the house ready for our children,” Riley said.

  “I bet,” I said. “Don’t ya’ll mess around and have another mouth to feed next Christmas. And don’t you have a maid to do that stuff?”

  “We gave her a couple of weeks off. It’s just been the two of us, cooking and cleaning,” Selwyn said proudly.

  “Now, that I’d like to see,” Dwight said.

  “We do all right,” Riley said.

  “Riley, did you bring the cards?” Leland asked.

  “Yes, and I’ll get them!” Riley said as she rushed to get the silver-colored bag she’d left in the dining room. I replenished everyone’s eggnog and we all sat back down. Mattie and Uncle Doc came in from the kitchen with a platter of hot wingettes and placed them on the table next to the punch bowl.

  “Well!” said Uncle Doc, looking at the half-empty punch bowl. “Looks like my secret-formula eggnog went over pretty big. Say, Dwight! How you doin’?”

  Dwight stood up to shake Uncle Doc’s hand. “Uncle Doc, that eggnog needs to carry a warning.”

  Mattie laughed. “You feeling okay, son?” She came and sat down on the edge of the sofa beside Leland. She felt his forehead and patted him gently on the hand. “You want anything?”

  “I’m fine, Mama. Just sit here,” Leland said as he smiled proudly at his mother.

  “Did I hear somebody say something about a game?” Uncle Doc asked. “I like games. You got room for two more players?”

  “It’s not really a game,” Riley explained. “We just pull cards out of the bag and answer the question on the back. See?” She held up one of the cards. “I don’t think the group would mind if you and Mrs. Thompson join in.”

  “That would be nice,” I said.

  “Yeah, Uncle Doc, you and Mama should play. There is only one rule you guys have to follow,” Leland said.

  “What’s that?” Uncle Doc asked.

  “You have to tell the truth, no matter what,” Leland said.