The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless Book 3)

by Victoria Quinn

  She opened the door right away, in tight jeans, heels, and a bright blouse. Her hair was done like she was going to a photo shoot instead of dropping her son off at school. “Ready, Derek?” She turned into the condo.

  There was no response.

  Valerie turned back to me and sighed. “He’s a little nervous.”

  “Really? He seemed excited before.”

  She shrugged. “Maybe now that the moment is here, he’s not so confident.” She walked back into the living room. “Derek, come on. Your father is here.”

  Still, nothing.

  She sighed. “If he makes me late…”

  I welcomed myself inside her residence. “Can I try to talk to him?”

  She raised her hand and gestured to the hallway.

  I located his bedroom and found him sitting on his bed, his legs dangling over the edge. His backpack was on, and he was dressed in his school uniform, navy trousers with a collared shirt underneath his gray vest. He kicked his legs like usual, his eyes on the floor.

  “Hey, little man.” I stayed by the doorway, my hands in my pockets.

  He stared at his own legs. “Hey, Dad…”

  “Don’t want to go to school?”

  He shrugged.

  “I thought you were excited.”

  He ignored me.

  I walked into his bedroom and took a seat next to him, my feet touching the floor because I was a grown man. I watched him, giving him some time to talk to me on his own. But he wasn’t interested in a conversation. “There’s nothing to be scared of.”

  “You and Mom won’t be there…”

  “No. But we’ll be there to pick you up afterward. We’ll always be there.”

  “You’ll be there too?” he asked hopefully.

  “Of course.” For his first day, I wanted to be there for everything.

  “Could you come with me?” He raised his chin and looked at me.

  “Well, I already finished kindergarten.”

  “Yeah, but you can do it with me,” he said. “We hang out all the time.”

  “True. But if I don’t go to work, people will suffer.”

  His eyes fell.

  “You want me to make people feel better, right?”

  He nodded.

  “So, I can’t come with you. And more importantly, if you don’t go to school, you can never help people either. You need to get an education. That’s how I got here.”

  “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…”

  “Well, you’ve got a lot of time to figure it out.”

  “Sometimes I think it would be cool to be an astronaut…or do something with space.”

  “That’s quite ambitious. And you would be doing that on behalf of the human race. But a job like that requires a lot of education, a lot of intelligence. You’ll never get there if you stay home and go to the cabin with me on the weekends. Isn’t losing that opportunity scarier than going to class?”

  He shrugged. “What if no one likes me? What if I don’t have any friends?”

  “People will like you, Derek. And it’s okay not to have a lot of friends. I don’t.” I didn’t want to give him false hope that he would be the most popular kid in the class. Those with higher intelligence tended to have weaker social skills. “And you always have me and your mother. We’ll always be your friends.”

  “Yeah…”

  “Being scared doesn’t change the fact that you have to do it. So, you may as well be brave.” I didn’t want to give him tough love like this. I wanted to hold him and never let go. But it was my job to make him strong, to make him pursue a place in the world without fear. Little did he know, this day was much harder for me than it ever would be for him.

  He nodded. “Alright, I want to be brave like you.”

  My hand went to his shoulder. “Why do you think I’m brave?”

  “Because you help people…even though you know they might still die.”

  I released a quiet sigh as I looked at him, always amazed how much Derek understood, how intuitive he was, how strong his social intelligence was. And mostly, just how big that heart was. “Yeah…it is scary.”

  I sat against the window while Valerie sat against the other. Derek was in between us with his backpack on his lap.

  The driver pulled up to the curb and opened my door for me.

  Derek looked at the floor and took a deep breath.

  I watched him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

  He kept looking at the ground, like he was afraid to look at his school.

  “Hey.” I squeezed his shoulder.

  He looked up at me.

  “I won’t leave you until you’re ready. How about that?”

  He nodded, a little less afraid.

  We got out of the car and walked onto the school grounds. There were older kids going to class with their friends, and the rest of the kindergarten students were accompanied by their parents. Valerie and I walked him to his building and entered the large classroom, which was colorful, bright, and full of desks, toys, and painting stations. Other kids were there, standing with their parents like they were scared too.

  I didn’t realize how hard this would be until I was there.

  Derek stood beside me, his backpack still on. He looked around at the other kids like he didn’t know what to do, where to start.

  My hand was on his shoulder, reminding him I was there.

  Valerie kept looking down at him, her eyes already watering.

  The teacher came over to us. “You must be Derek.” She kneeled and shook his hand. “I’m Mrs. Kite. Let’s put your backpack down in the cubby area.”

  Derek was quiet.

  She smiled, being patient. “You know, a lot of the other students are nervous too. Perfectly normal.” She smiled before she straightened and looked at us. “Take your time.” Then she walked away.

  I didn’t nudge him or pressure him. I just let him stand there and look around.

  Then a boy walked up to him, holding a toy rocket. “Cool backpack.”

  Derek still wasn’t himself, a little slow with his words. “Thanks…nice toy.”

  “Thanks. I’m Tommy.” He was the same height, a friendly boy with a kind smile.

  “I’m Derek.”

  “You want to sit by me?”

  “Yeah…okay.”

  Tommy walked away to his desk in the middle of the rows.

  Then Derek turned to me, his eyes bright again, the excitement back. “Okay, Dad. I’m ready for you to go.”

  I took a deep breath and felt my gaze grow weak, a dam about to break. My fingers squeezed into his shoulders before I released, and it was so hard to let him go, impossible. It was harder than when I said goodbye and moved across the country. Knowing he’d already made a friend made me feel better, but knowing he didn’t need me anymore was worse. With every passing year, he would need me less and less…until he didn’t need me at all.

  But I let go.

  And watched him walk away.

  I watched him pick a desk and talk to his friend, examining the toy rocket together.

  I had to force myself to turn away, to place my hand on Valerie’s shoulder and escort her out of the room.

  We barely made it into the hallway before she started to cry.

  I watched her, feeling the same pain she felt, feeling the same sense of loss.

  She covered her face with her palms as she breathed hard. “He was a baby just yesterday…”

  I didn’t cry, but I couldn’t stop my eyes from watering, couldn’t stop the pain that cracked all my ribs. “I know.”

  “This snuck up on me.”

  “Me too.”

  She dropped her hands and looked at me, her eyes puffy.

  I looked at her, seeing the one person in the world who understood what I was experiencing in that moment—because we’d made him together.

  She saw the wetness in my eyes, and her eyes softened.

  I moved into her and wrapped my arms around
her, holding her in the hallway, both of us emotional. It was one of the few times I actually felt something for her, a connection because of the son we’d made together. I hadn’t wanted him, and now I knew how empty my life would have been without him. “Thank you for giving him to me.” I didn’t love her, barely had any affection for her at all, but as the mother of my child, I would always feel something for her. Always.

  “I love him so much…”

  “I know. I do too.”

  At noon, Theresa messaged me. Cleo is here to see you.

  I had no idea why. We hadn’t spoken today. But I didn’t want to ask any questions, because it would be odd if I didn’t know why my own assistant was there. Send her in.

  The doors opened a moment later, and Cleo walked inside, carrying a bag that probably contained my lunch.

  I didn’t rise from my chair. I just didn’t have the energy right now.

  She watched me, pity in her eyes. “I thought you might need a pick-me-up today.” She came around the desk and leaned against the edge, looking down at me. “You okay?”

  I didn’t answer.

  She came closer, helping herself to my lap, her arm hooking over my shoulders.

  My arm circled her waist, and I rested my head in the crook of her neck, smelling the scent of roses, feeling the deep curve in her lower back. I didn’t care about the food. This was much more comforting.

  Her hands rubbed the back of my neck, her skirt rising up because of the way she sat, a glimpse of her panties visible.

  Normally, I was in the mood every time I saw her, but today, I was too empty.

  “The worst part is over, at least.”

  “No…it’s just begun.” I pulled my head back and looked at her. “The older he gets, the less he needs me. The less often I’ll hear him call me Dad. The less often he’ll ask me to help him with his models, ask to go to the cabin. Who knows what he’ll be like as a teenager…may not even want to be around me. That’s less than ten years away.”

  She played with the back of my hair. “You still have a lot of time left, Deacon.”

  “I know, but it’ll go by so quickly.”

  “And a lot of great things will happen as he ages. Someday, you won’t have to be just his father anymore. You’ll be his friend instead. The way your father was your friend. And that’s something a lot of parents look forward to, when they’ve raised a good person they want to be around.”

  “I guess that’s true.”

  “I know it’s hard, but you aren’t losing him.” She rubbed my shoulder. “No matter how old he gets, he’ll always be your son. He’ll always be your little boy.”

  My driver dropped me off, and I met Valerie on the sidewalk.

  She was still in a somber mood, as if the day hadn’t made her feel better. “I wonder if it’ll be easier when I drop him off tomorrow…or the day after that.”

  “It has to be. Otherwise, no one would want to be a parent.” We walked together into the school, waiting at the parent pickup spot.

  She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for the bell to ring. “How was your day?”

  “Long.”

  She watched me with remorse in her gaze. “Couldn’t focus?”

  I shook my head. “It was just rough, thinking about how quickly time has gone by…how it speeds up with every passing year. Einstein’s theory of relativity applies in more ways than he realized…”

  She didn’t seem to understand what that meant but didn’t ask. “I was wondering if I could drop him off at your place tonight around five. You can pick drop him at school in the morning, and I’ll pick him up afterward.”

  It was a sudden change in topic, so I eyed her in surprise. “Sure. Why?”

  “I have a date.”

  “Oh…” I was surprised she was so upfront about it. Maybe she was trying to make me jealous since she’d asked me to watch him all night, like she intended to be busy all through the evening. But if anything, I was relieved she was moving on. “That’s no problem.”

  She watched me, as if she was expecting a reaction. “He lives in the building.”

  That didn’t surprise me. “A lot of rich men do.”

  “He’s young and handsome. Recently divorced.”

  “Sounds perfect.” I took everything Valerie said with a grain of salt. I wanted to believe she’d met someone and she was genuinely moving on, that she would be in a good place when I told her about Cleo. But she liked to manipulate me, so this might be another ploy. I didn’t ask who he was since I didn’t know any of my neighbors. I kept to myself, and they did the same. It was another reason I was sad to leave.

  “His name is Jake.” She supplied the information I didn’t ask for. “Jake Patterson.”

  I didn’t say anything, but I wanted to grimace at the name. I still wanted to punch him in the face for the way he’d yelled at Cleo. If he ever pulled that shit again, I really would break his face in all the right places so it would be difficult for a surgeon to fix it. “Have a good time.”

  Her eyes narrowed.

  The bell rang, and the kids started to file out.

  Kids were everywhere, moving to the line of buses to escort them home, finding their parents in the crowd. A few minutes passed before Derek walked out with three boys around him, all talking and laughing. He wasn’t even looking for me.

  “Looks like he’d made friends,” Valerie said.

  “Yeah…looks like it.” My son wasn’t just like me. He knew how to connect with people in a way I couldn’t. It made me proud.

  Derek said goodbye to his friends then found us. “Dad!”

  I inhaled a deep breath when I heard him say that, like his newfound friends didn’t change his affection for me. He didn’t dump me the second he found someone better. He was still happy to see me.

  “Mom!” He ran to us, his backpack bobbing up and down as he sprinted.

  I kneeled and caught him, hugging him tightly, squeezing him with my hands. “Hey, little man. How was school?”

  “It was awesome! I was brave like you told me to be.”

  “I noticed.” I pulled away and smiled at him.

  “I made three friends.” He held up three fingers. “And everyone in my class is nice.”

  “No surprise there.”

  He turned to Valerie and hugged her. “I can’t wait to go back!”

  She chuckled and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m so glad you had a good day.”

  “Can we go get ice cream?” he asked.

  “No,” I said. “It’s the middle of the day—”

  “Yes.” Valerie turned to me. “It’s a special occasion, and we’re going to celebrate.”

  I didn’t argue. “Alright…that’s fair.”

  “Yes!” Derek threw up both fists. “Let’s go. I’m going to get mint chip.” He grabbed both of our hands and tugged us to the car. “Dad, what are you going to get?”

  I hated ice cream. “The same.”

  “Mom?”

  “Chocolate.”

  In between us and holding both of our hands like he didn’t care about looking cool in front of the other kids, he said, “Cool. I’m gonna get mine in a cone, a chocolate one.”

  Ten

  Cleo

  “Tommy said he’s into rockets too!” Derek sat at the table, so excited he didn’t even complain about the bland dinner Deacon had prepared. “And his grandpa worked on one of the machines for the Apollo missions! Isn’t that awesome?”

  I smiled. “That’s really cool, Derek.”

  He turned to Deacon. “And Leo’s dad is a heart surgeon.”

  Deacon listened to every word, like he was fascinated by the adventures his son had at school. “Very cool.”

  “Scotty’s dad designs stuff for the military, but he doesn’t know what.” He stabbed his broccoli with his fork and forced it into his mouth. “Says his dad can’t tell him…and I wonder what it is. And his mom is a gymcolorist.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “A what?”


  Deacon figured it out. “A gynecologist.”

  “Yeah,” Derek said. “What is that?”

  “A doctor,” Deacon explained.

  “What kind?” Derek asked.

  I was curious to see how Deacon would handle the question.

  He finished his bite before he answered. “She takes care of women’s private parts.”

  “Ooh…” Derek chuckled. “Gross.”

  “It’s not gross,” Deacon said calmly. “Every part of our body is as important as the heart or the brain.”

  Derek smiled anyway and kept eating. “And Roger’s mom runs some company. His other mom is a yoga instructor.”

  “Cool,” Deacon said.

  “How come Roger has two moms?” Derek asked.

  “Because two women can love each other and get married, just as two men can. It’s like your mother and me, but if she were a man or I were a woman.”

  Derek nodded like he understood and kept eating. Thankfully he didn’t ask if Deacon had loved Valerie.

  I smiled at the way Deacon explained it. “And what did you learn?”

  “We talked about all the things we’re going to be doing this year,” Derek said. “And we’re going on so many field trips. It’s so cool.”

  I was glad that Deacon’s status got Derek admission because it seemed like a great school, one that focused on all aspects of education, not just textbooks. It was a great place to nourish Derek’s incredible potential. “Thanks for sharing your day. I’m glad you had so much fun.”

  “Did you love kindergarten?” he asked.

  “Honestly, I don’t remember it that well…”

  “Well, I’ll never forget how awesome it is.” He finished his dinner, scarfing it down like he wanted to get it over with. “What are we going to do now? Watch a movie? Play a game?”

  “You’re getting ready for bed,” Deacon said, his plate empty.

  Derek nearly did a double take. “What?”

  “You’ve got to get up early for school now,” Deacon said. “That means you have to get to bed early. So, go wash up and brush your teeth.”

  Derek looked devastated. “No…”

  Deacon gave him a hard look. “What did you say?”