The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless Book 3)

by Victoria Quinn

  I’d never been this fucking scared in my life. “Deacon, I didn’t know he was married.”

  He turned back to me.

  “He lied to me, okay? I had no idea he was married—”

  “How the fuck is that possible?” His nostrils flared, his eyes on fire. “You know all your clients. How could you not know the woman he lives with?”

  “She lives in London for work. She goes back and forth—”

  “And you didn’t know that either?” he snapped. “You expect me to believe that?”

  “I’m not lying—”

  “Like how you didn’t lie when I thought Jake was putting you down? When I walked over there to beat his face in because I thought he was disrespecting you? You made me look like a fucking idiot, Cleo.”

  My eyes had already started to water out of frustration and fear. I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t.

  “I have never—” he took a deep breath, as if he had to stifle his rage “—ever fucking lied to you. Not once. And you lied to me—”

  “We aren’t together at the time—”

  “You still fucking lied to me. You told me about your ex-husband, but you didn’t tell me about Jake. Why is that?”

  “Because I was—”

  “Because you had a fucking affair, and you knew I would never want you if I knew that.”

  “Yes. But again, I didn’t know he was married at the time—”

  “Yes, I heard you the first time. Doesn’t mean I believe you.”

  God, that hurt. “I’m telling you the truth.”

  “Then why didn’t you tell me you had a relationship with another client? You’ve made a big fucking deal about us being together when you’ve done it before, apparently. And you just didn’t think to mention that? How many other clients have you fucked?”

  Tears started to well up. “This is why I didn’t tell you. Because you’re making all these harsh assumptions. It was a mistake, and I regret it. You have no idea how much I wish it never happened. The reason I didn’t tell you was because I was ashamed…fucking ashamed. Ashamed that I believed a liar. Ashamed that I…” Tears started to pour down my cheeks. “Ashamed that I didn’t know better. Ashamed that I stupidly didn’t look into my own client. But I swear on my parents’ graves, I didn’t know he was married.”

  He stared me down.

  “And when I found out, I left him. He divorced his wife in the hope we could work it out, but I wanted nothing to do with him. That was why he pestered me at my desk, because I wouldn’t take his phone calls or respond to his texts. He was desperate to talk to me and did it at fucking work.”

  He was still cold.

  “And no, there’s no one else. I’ve never done that with any other client.”

  “Why did you do it in the first place?”

  “Because I was miserable. My husband had just left me for someone else, and I was…in a really dark place.” I spoke through my tears, tried to talk through my deep breaths. “I was sad…and I just…did something really stupid. I’m not perfect, okay? I made a mistake—my only mistake. I learned my lesson. And then I met you… And I risked it all again because I knew you were the one—”

  “Do you have any idea how stupid I feel? Living in the same building as the man my girl used to bed? I’ve been in the elevator with that motherfucker so many goddamn times. And he knew—and I didn’t.”

  I dragged my hands down my face, wiping away the tears even though new ones quickly replaced them. “I just…didn’t want to talk about my past. I didn’t want to—”

  “I told you about my skeletons. I told you about my drinking problem. I’ve never hidden anything from you—even the things I’m most ashamed of. What excuse do you have, Cleo? You asked me to give you all of me—and I fucking did. You didn’t do the same. I put myself out there, and you didn’t even meet me halfway.”

  “A drinking problem is not the same as an affair—”

  “Never had one of those, so…”

  I closed my eyes at the burn. “I really didn’t know…”

  He rubbed the back of his neck, sighing in annoyance. “Is there anything else you need to tell me?”

  The question was odd, so I opened my eyes and looked at him.

  “Anything else you want to get off your chest?” His voice was different than it had ever been. It was so callous, so harsh.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “Like the fact that you slept with him right before we got together?” Now he was louder, almost yelling at me.

  I closed my eyes in shame, forgetting about the whole thing. “I didn’t sleep with him—”

  “He seems to think you did.”

  “He’s lying!”

  “So, that just never happened?”

  “No, it did happen.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest, furious.

  “We fooled around a bit, but then I left again.”

  He took a deep breath, his eyes black like coals.

  “But I had told I wanted to be with you, and you broke my heart.”

  “So, you fuck the first guy who pops into your head?”

  “I didn’t sleep with him, okay? After I left your condo, I went into the elevator, sobbing my eyes out because you’d crushed me, and it stopped at his floor. I was so devastated, devastated like I was when my husband left me, that I did something stupid…because I was heartbroken. But it’s unfair for you to be mad now because you turned me down. That never would have happened if you hadn’t treated me like that.”

  He shook his head. “I thought the fact that you risked your job to be with me was a testament to how you felt. But you did it for someone else right after you opened your heart to me. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “He was a mistake. You are…” I could barely talk through my tears. “The one.”

  He had no emotion all. Those words meant nothing to him. “When Valerie told me all this, I didn’t want to believe it. I hoped that if I talked to you, you would explain to me that it’s somehow completely gossip…but it is true.”

  “I didn’t sleep with a married man. I didn’t know, okay? So, my only crime is sleeping with a client. And as far as I’m concerned, that has nothing to do with you and me.” I had to fight, had to fight for the best thing that had ever happened to me. “I’ve never asked you about your past because it doesn’t matter. We’re supposed to be together. Who gives a shit about Jake? And you knew I had feelings for you forever, and I still waited, I was still patient…because you were worth it.”

  “But you lied to me.”

  I bowed my head.

  “You lied to my face, Cleo. I don’t want to be with someone who lies.”

  I closed my eyes. “Don’t look at the situation in black and white. Don’t look at it literally. I’m a good person who doesn’t deserve to have a ruined reputation because of one mistake I made. I wanted to be with you, not be judged based on something really stupid that I did. It’s not fair. And I knew you would have—”

  “Not if you’d told me yourself.” He shook his head slightly, his jaw tight. “But you didn’t tell me. I had to hear it from Valerie, of all fucking people. But if you’d told me, I could have told her I already knew. But I had to stand there like a fucking dumbass, like a deer in the headlights. You humiliated me.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  He bowed his head, sighing loudly.

  “I’m sorry, okay?” I said through my tears. “I am…so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was just a complicated situation, and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

  “After all that shit with Dr. Hawthorne, it seems even dumber now.” He raised his head and looked at me. “Being worried about someone replacing you when you were keeping this from me.”

  “Not the same at all—”

  “How would you feel if I’d slept with her in the past, in graduate school, and never told you? Now, we work together.”

  “I…”

  “Would you have been pi
ssed off?”

  “But I would get over it. I trust you.”

  “Why would you, when I lied about it in the first place?”

  I closed my eyes again. “Deacon, I’m sorry. I love you so much, from the bottom of my heart. Nothing like this will ever happen again. I would never lie to you. I have nothing to hide from you.”

  He shook his head. “Valerie was going to rat you out, and the only way I could stop her was by telling her I was in love with you. So, she knows now. And that’s just fucking wonderful.”

  That hurt even more, that he’d still covered for me after what I’d done. “Thank you.”

  He didn’t look at me. He looked away, like my face was too difficult for him to see. “I looked like a fool, Cleo.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Not as fucking sorry as I am.” He stepped back, rubbing the back of his neck again. “Fuck, I woke up this morning happy…and now it’s gone.”

  “It’s not gone, Deacon. We’ll work it out.”

  His eyes didn’t move to mine.

  “Okay?”

  Still, nothing.

  “Deacon…” No. I wouldn’t be able to move on if I lost him. He was my world. He was my everything.

  “I need space.”

  Oh god. “Deacon, please. You and Derek…are my family.” They filled the big crevasse in my chest. They wiped away all the pain from my losses. They gave me a place where I belonged, where everything was right in the world. “You’re my family.” Tears blurred my vision and made it hard to see the coldness in his eyes.

  He stepped back and glanced at the door. “Please leave.”

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t believe I’d just lost him. “I love you—”

  “Cleo.” He turned to me, his stare impenetrable. He didn’t feel anything for me—at all. He spoke to me the way he spoke to Derek when he wouldn’t listen, like he was disciplining my unacceptable behavior. “I asked you to leave. Now, leave.”

  I couldn’t go. My feet wouldn’t move.

  “I want Matt to take care of me for the foreseeable future. I don’t want to see you.”

  He stabbed me over and over.

  When I didn’t leave, he got tired of waiting. He turned around and walked down the hallway to his bedroom. His door shut a moment later, followed by the click of the lock.

  I didn’t want to go into the hallway in case I ran into anyone, not when I looked like this. But I had no other choice. I couldn’t stay here. I stifled my tears, forced the sobs to stop jerking in my chest, and walked out of his residence.

  It was a long night.

  My stomach ached while I lay in bed because I was hungry but too distraught to think about raiding my fridge. My phone was on the nightstand, and it lit up every few minutes. I always grabbed it, hoping to see a message from Deacon.

  But they were just emails from clients.

  The tears came and went, starting up suddenly then drying out. Then the process would repeat over and over. At some point, I became dehydrated and developed a migraine, so I had to take a couple pills just to get through the night.

  When morning came, I called in sick.

  “I can’t come in today. I think I caught a bug.” I lied into the phone, still in bed because I hadn’t moved.

  Matt was surprised because I never called in sick. “Damn, that must be a pretty bad bug.”

  “You have no idea…” Tears formed in the corners of my eyes and dripped onto the sheets.

  “Will you be back tomorrow?”

  I couldn’t hide in my apartment forever. I had too much on the schedule. Just taking one day off was already a huge hit to the entire staff. “Yeah, I’ll be there.” It wasn’t like I had to worry about seeing Deacon…since he didn’t want to see me.

  “Alright. Get better.”

  I spent my day on the couch, watching TV, trying to keep my mind occupied with something stupid on cable. But my mind flicked to Deacon all the time…the love of my life.

  Did I just lose him?

  What did space mean, exactly?

  Did he dump me?

  It seemed like it since he didn’t want me to take care of him anymore.

  Yesterday, my life had been perfect. I woke up with Deacon beside me, a dream hunk, a gentle soul, my other half.

  Now, I was alone.

  I kept looking at the phone, hoping he would text me and check on me, but he never did.

  I wanted to text him, but I knew I wouldn’t get a response.

  There was nothing I could do right now.

  And doing nothing…was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.

  I went to work the next day, getting there later than I had been since I didn’t sneak out of Deacon’s residence at the crack of dawn. I walked up to my desk, seeing Matt and Anna sitting there. “Morning.”

  They both stared at me nervously, exchanging glances with each other before looking at me again. And they never said a word.

  Oh fuck.

  I stopped at my desk, seeing the box of my things. The picture of my parents and me was thrown on top like it had been tossed inside. My notepads, office supplies, everything I bought was there too. I’d bought my own keyboard because it reduced the pain in my wrists, and it was there too. I stared for several seconds, my hands touching the edges of the box, realizing this was the moment of my demise.

  Not only had I lost Deacon, but the only other thing I cared about.

  Now I really had lost everything.

  I didn’t think about how this came to pass. Maybe Valerie decided to rat me out anyway. Maybe Jake found out I was seeing Deacon and tattled on me to be petty. Maybe Deacon got so pissed off that he threw me under the bus.

  Did it really matter?

  It didn’t change anything.

  My ass was fired.

  Matt got out of his chair and came to my side. “Cleo?”

  My hands shook as I gripped at the box and looked at my stuff. I didn’t have a husband or kids waiting for me at home. I didn’t have a lot of friends. All I had was my job, my passion, and now that was gone. I had some in savings, but that would only get me by for a couple months because I’d run out of cash since my rent was so high. With my experience, I could get hired immediately, but since I couldn’t ask for a recommendation…I was screwed. I had no other professional experience, so I had no idea how I was going to survive in the most expensive city in the world.

  I’d have to move.

  “Cleo?”

  ‘I turned to Matt, forgetting that he’d just spoken. “Yes?”

  “I want you to know that we weren’t the ones who ratted you out to Mr. Kline.”

  I gave him a smile, appreciating their loyalty. “Thanks.”

  “They went over us,” he said. “Otherwise, we would have buried it.”

  It was sweet…so sweet.

  “Let’s get a drink after work.” He placed his hand on my back, knowing I was on the verge of having a breakdown.

  “Maybe in a few days,” I whispered. “I just…need some time.”

  “Of course.” He dropped his hand. “You’re the reason this place is the best, and it’s not going to be the same without you. This is a mistake…a big mistake.”

  I grabbed the box and held it to my chest. “I’ll see you later, Matt. Bye, Anna.” I turned to leave, so I could cry on the walk home in peace. New Yorkers would pass me but pretend they didn’t notice. It was one of the nice things about this city…no one cared.

  “Cleo?” Matt said.

  I turned back to him.

  “Mr. Kline is in his car outside, wants you to join him.”

  I sighed loudly, already emotionally exhausted. Now I had to sit there and listen to my boss fire me. I didn’t see why we needed to have a conversation at all. My job was gone. Why did we need to talk about it? But I couldn’t just walk away. He’d taken a chance on me when I started. I was so young at the time, but he’d hired me anyway. “Alright.” I made my way out of the lobby, grateful
none of my former clients were there to watch me walk out of that building with a box of my belongings in my hands.

  I recognized Mr. Kline’s blacked-out Mercedes.

  I walked to the door, took a deep breath, and then joined him in the back seat, the box on my lap.

  The driver stared straight ahead, his earbuds masking our conversation.

  I stared at my box, unable to look at him. “Thank you for giving me the opportunity, Mr. Kline. I’ve really enjoyed my time here.” I was being fired for a legitimate reason. I did break the rules by sleeping with not one but two residents. I wouldn’t argue my case when I was totally guilty. I regretted the first transgression, but not the second…even if he left me.

  Mr. Kline was quiet, as if he didn’t know how to respond to that.

  I kept looking at the box so I wouldn’t have to see his face.

  “Cleo, I didn’t want to do this…if that makes a difference. You’re the best concierge I’ve ever had. I’ll have to replace you, but they’ll never be as good as you. But…I don’t have a choice.”

  “I know.” My time was over, and instead of sobbing my way through it, I chose to have some dignity, to be graceful instead of a blubbering mess. The puffy eyes and red cheeks could wait until I got home.

  “I just don’t understand why you did it. Why would you be so stupid?”

  I would never have a legitimate excuse to justify the first one. But for the second, the answer was easy. I was in love.

  “You’re better than that, Cleo.”

  I continued to stare at my box because it was too hard to meet his gaze.

  “You have no idea how much of a headache this has been for me.” He sighed loudly. “And now it’s going to be a bigger headache finding someone to replace you, because if I can’t find the right person, it’s going to affect the desirability of the building. And with you gone, the rest of the staff has to sprint around trying to keep up. It’s just…a fucking nightmare.”

  My life was a nightmare, too.

  “You can’t take any of my residents because of the contract, and make no mistake, I will sue you. And if you tell anyone about the residents who live in my building, I’ll sue you for that too.”

  So basically, I couldn’t even tell people I’d worked here. “Alright.”