The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless Book 3)

by Victoria Quinn

  “Deacon?”

  I lifted my chin and looked at her head on.

  “Would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I’m cooking.”

  I stared at her blankly, unsure why she was asking me the question. She’d never asked me to do anything before, at least not outside of work. But then it dawned on me…she was hitting on me. I’d never received an advance from a colleague before. This was the first time.

  “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. No is a perfectly acceptable answer. I just knew I’d regret never asking.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t think of any words to explain the way I felt about her question. It’d been six weeks since I called it quits with Cleo, and while time passed, my progress hadn’t advanced. “I’m not really looking for anything…” I hadn’t been on a date. I hadn’t picked up a woman at the bar. I’d just been alone.

  “If you’re referring to a relationship, I’m okay with that. Just something physical is fine. It’s been hard for me to meet anyone I like. When I go out, I feel really disappointed by the options. I feel like there’s no one out there I can really connect with. I know it’s inappropriate to go after a colleague, but…you’re so brilliant. It’s just easy for me.”

  I didn’t have a policy against personal relationships between colleagues because it wasn’t something I’d ever considered. It didn’t seem like a complicated situation because everyone was so professional and decided to their work. While Kathleen was beautiful and compatible, the thought never crossed my mind. I just didn’t think of her that way. I didn’t think of anyone that way. “I’m with Cleo.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “I thought you said you weren’t seeing each other anymore?”

  “We aren’t…but I’m still with her…” I couldn’t explain it better than that. I’d never struggled so hard to explain how I felt.

  Her eyes softened. “You mean you’re still in love with her.”

  I nodded. “Yeah…I am.”

  Tucker sat across from me at the table in the bar, talking with his beer in his hand. “I mean, I’ve met a girlfriend’s parents before, but I’m still nervous anyway. I really like Pria, you know? If they don’t like me…it’s an uphill battle.”

  I nodded. “You’ll be fine, Tucker.”

  “You think?”

  “What’s there not to like?”

  He grinned. “Very true.”

  “You make good money, have a steady job, have good looks—you’re a suitable partner.”

  His smile died away. “Well, if you’re gonna base it on how I sound on paper…”

  A woman came up to our table, appearing out of thin air. “Hey, I’m Rebecca.” She extended her hand.

  I stared at her blankly before I shook her hand.

  “I think you’re really cute, so I wanted to introduce myself. What’s your name?”

  I continued to look at her like I had no idea what to do. “I’m not interested.” My words were harsh, even to my own ears, but I didn’t know what else to say. That was the truth—right to the point.

  “Uh…alright.” She left the table.

  Tucker watched me.

  My beer was empty, so I waved down the waitress and ordered another. She got it right away and placed it in front of me.

  Tucker continued to stare.

  “What?”

  “I know you told me to butt out, but you reject every woman who comes on to you, consistently.”

  I dropped my gaze and took a drink.

  “It’s fine that you don’t want to be with someone else. But if you aren’t with the one person you actually want to be with, it just doesn’t make any sense, Deacon. What the hell are you doing?”

  I didn’t have a clue.

  “Deacon?”

  I raised my gaze. “What?”

  “Answer the question.”

  “Assumed it was rhetorical.”

  “Well, it’s not. Answer me.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know, Tucker.”

  “You don’t know?” he asked incredulously. “Yes, you do. Be with Cleo.”

  I dropped my gaze again.

  “You’re obviously in love with her. No other reason you’re turning down ass left and right, otherwise.”

  I stared at my beer. “I am in love with her.”

  Tucker stilled, like he couldn’t believe what I’d said.

  I’d never told him how I felt about her. I was never one to broadcast my feelings.

  “Then why aren’t you with her?”

  “I just… I don’t know.”

  He leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “Deacon, don’t drag your feet on this. It’s already been months. You wait too long, and she’ll end up with somebody else.”

  “I love her, but I’m not ready to be in a relationship again.”

  “Then tell her that.”

  “Tell her what?” I asked. “That I don’t want to be with her? I think that’s pretty clear.”

  “No. Tell her you want to take it slow. That you’re still there, you just need time.”

  I drank from my beer.

  “Tell her, or I’ll tell her. Because it’s been a long time since you broke up, and she could end up with someone else.”

  “She told me she wouldn’t…”

  “Because she was waiting for you. But that was a month ago. You haven’t spoken to her or given her any indication there’s even a slim chance of getting you back. She can’t read your mind, Deacon.”

  “She knows I love her.”

  “So?” he demanded.

  “That means I’ll always love her.”

  His eyes softened. “Then sit down and talk to her. Tell her this. It’ll come off a lot better coming from you than me.”

  “But—”

  “I’m not bluffing, Deacon. Talk to her—or I will.”

  Eighteen

  Cleo

  I’d just walked into my apartment when my phone rang.

  It was Deacon

  I carried a bag of groceries in my arms, and the second I saw his name on my phone, I dropped the bag straight onto the floor. The milk carton burst and spilled, and a couple oranges rolled out. I didn’t care at all.

  I took the call, so excited, so hopeful. “Hey.” Even though he never texted me or gave me any indication he would change his mind, I continued to hope, continued to dream. And maybe it was finally happening.

  “Cleo?” Derek’s high-pitched voice came over the line.

  It wasn’t what I’d wanted, but I missed him so much that I was thrilled to hear his voice. “Derek? Oh my god… How are you, little man?”

  “Good. Dad is in the shower right now, so I took his phone.”

  So, he didn’t know about this conversation. That hurt all over again.

  “I miss you.”

  It was the sweetest thing I’d heard in so long. “I miss you too. How’s school been?”

  “I get along with everyone in class. And we’re doing really cool projects. Right now, we’re doing this sustainability thing, where we farm in the school garden.”

  I moved to the couch and forgot about the groceries, hanging on every word like a parent. “Wow, that’s cool. Any field trips?”

  “We’re going to a Native American reservation next week!”

  “That will be so interesting.”

  “Yeah. And then my teacher said…”

  I pulled the blanket over my lap and felt my eyes glisten with tears, so touched by his sweet voice. I missed him every day, missed our adventures to the cabin, missed the special relationship we had. I loved him like a son, like family. And losing him had been as painful as losing his father.

  Derek talked my ear off for a while, but then he turned away from the phone for a second. “The water just turned off… I should go.”

  I didn’t want to say goodbye. Ever. “Alright. Thanks for calling me, Derek. It means a lot.”

  “I know you and my dad aren’t together anymore, but I know he misses you. I k
now he loves you. I told him to get you back, but he doesn’t really say anything…”

  I started to cry, but I stopped my tears from becoming audible. “I love him too…so much.”

  “Don’t give up on my dad, okay?” he whispered.

  I could wait a long time, but if the ship never came into port…I’d have to move on. But my heart would never stop beating for him. “Never.”

  “Okay,” he whispered. “I really gotta go. Love you.”

  This kid was killing me. “Love you too.”

  Click.

  I lay on the couch and cried, the spilled milk spreading everywhere.

  There wasn’t a specific moment that made me fall in love with Deacon. It just sort of happened. I saw a different side to him, and the rest was history. But with his son, I fell in love instantly. I’d picked him up from his mother, colored on the plane…and I was lost.

  Losing the son was as hard as losing the father.

  Two months had come and gone since he’d told me he needed space.

  And it’d been a dreary two months.

  I was glad to be back at my job because I needed it, but it wasn’t the same. Matt and Anna were good to me, and the clients were thrilled to have me back…but it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t happy anymore—and people noticed.

  I hated my apartment in Brooklyn. I tried to be positive about it, but that was hard.

  I really missed my old place, which had been snatched up by someone else the second I told my landlord I was leaving.

  And without Deacon, it was all just pointless.

  I didn’t date because I was miserable, not because I believed we still had a chance. I just couldn’t find the motivation to even try when I was still so hung up on him. Any guy I met would suck compared to Deacon. And falling in love? Never gonna happen again. Deacon was my own great love…and I lost him.

  I never found out who ratted me out, but I assumed it was Valerie. She’d always hated me, and it was her perfect chance to get rid of me once and for all. It might have been Jake, but that would have been really pathetic if it was.

  But it didn’t matter anymore.

  I was thinking of moving to Washington anyway, because I couldn’t stay here.

  With my income back and my cheap apartment, I saved money easily, and I intended to use it for a fresh start in Washington. Now I could have a recommendation and get a good job at my same income level. I could stay here in New York and work somewhere else, but I didn’t want to be in the same city as Deacon.

  Otherwise, I’d never get over him.

  I sat at my desk and stared at the notes I’d made in my folder, but I didn’t really read at anything I’d written. My mind kept focusing in and out, thinking about Deacon, Derek, and Washington. I would focus on my next task for a few minutes before the process would repeat.

  My phone vibrated with a text. It was from Deacon.

  I want to talk to you.

  I stared at the words, reading them over and over on my screen, the first message to pop up in our message box in two months. The last message he had sent to me before everything went to shit was Baby, get your ass over here.

  Everything was so different.

  I’d lost hope that we would get back together, so I assumed he wanted to discuss me returning to my previous position and replacing Matt. Or maybe he’d found out that Derek called me and wanted to talk about that. When and where?

  My condo. Now.

  Alright.

  I left my desk and took the elevator to his floor and made the long journey down the hallway to his front door. Instead of feeling excited to see his face, I was just nauseated. I dreaded seeing him now. Knowing he was the best thing that ever happened to me…and I lost him…was just too hard.

  That was why I had to leave.

  I knocked on the door.

  He must have already been standing there because he opened it immediately.

  My eyes immediately darted to his face, the shadow along his jawline. It was thick since he’d skipped the shave for several days. His eyes were just as threatening as they always were, like he wasn’t happy to see me even though he was the one who asked me to come. He opened the door wider and invited me inside.

  I entered, stepping into the apartment that used to feel like home. Now, it was just a place I used to know…a memory. I held my hands together at my stomach and forced myself to be brave, to hold my head high. I’d already cried, already begged. I couldn’t do it anymore, not when it didn’t make a difference.

  He shut the door and moved in front of me, keeping several feet in between us like last time. He was in jeans and a t-shirt, even though it was getting cold outside. The walk to my old apartment had always sucked in the freezing cold, but taking two subways to my apartment in Brooklyn was torture. Then I had to stop by the store on my way because I couldn’t use the groceries I got for myself on client runs because that was just too far to carry it all. So, there were times when I got home so late that I wondered if I should just sleep in the office.

  He placed his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor.

  I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. “Is there something I can help you with, Mr. Hamilton?” I didn’t want to call him Deacon anymore, the name I whispered in bed, the name I said before declaring my undying love for him.

  He lifted his chin and looked at me slightly quizzically. “Don’t call me that.”

  “Alright…” My fingers started to fidget. “Then what do you need, Deacon?”

  He crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at me, the silence going on forever.

  I used to be comfortable with these long pauses, but now I couldn’t stand them. I had no idea what he was thinking. That connection we used to have was gone because we were never around each other anymore. He was like a stranger to me in the present, but the love of my life in the past.

  “I’ve been on my own for a while now. Work has required most of my attention, and I was happy to let it absorb all of my time. Your betrayal numbed me, and I just wanted to move on. While time passed, the season changed, my feelings never changed.”

  I’d lost all hope…and now it was back.

  “I feel like it was just yesterday…”

  Really? Because it felt like a fucking eternity for me.

  “You said you didn’t know he was married…and I believe you. You said you didn’t sleep with him…and I believe you.”

  Exonerated at least.

  “Time and space have helped me understand your decisions, and instead of viewing it in black and white, like I always do, I know I need to have compassion. I need to remember this is you, not some random person. I need to remember that you’re a human being going through a hard time, like we all do sometimes.”

  My heart was going to stop any second. I didn’t even realize tears were streaking down my cheeks until one dripped off my chin and landed on my hands.

  “And…I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

  I closed my eyes and felt the silent tears fall.

  “I love you.”

  I opened my eyes, hearing the words I’d dreamed about for months.

  “I still love you now like I did when I first said it. And I’ll always love you.”

  My hands went to my cheeks and steepled over my nose, overwhelmed by his confession, shaken with joy. I thought the distance would make him question whether he ever loved me, make him doubt it was ever real. But it was real.

  “But…”

  I fucking hated that word. It was only three goddamn letters, but it had the power of the universe.

  “I need to take it slow.”

  I released such a breath of relief that it sounded like a gasp. I dropped my hands. “That’s fine… Whatever you want…of course.” I was an emotional wreck. If he weren’t there, I would literally sink to the floor and lie on his rug and cry for an hour. But he was there, so I stood still, probably looking just as pathetic as if I were on the floor. “Thank you.” What I want
ed more than anything was to move into his arms and feel him hold me, but I had no idea what slow meant to him, so I just kept my distance. I closed my eyes and wiped away my tears with my fingertips, so ashamed by my appearance that I didn’t want to see him look at me, knowing I was so ugly right now.

  When I opened my eyes again, he was there, right in front of me.

  I hadn’t even heard him.

  His hands cupped my cheeks and tilted my chin up.

  It was the first time he’d touched me in months, the first time his fingertips felt my skin, the first time he’d been this close. He smelled the same; he felt the same.

  His thumbs wiped away a new wave of tears.

  My hands went to his wrists, and I took a deep breath when I felt his warmth, felt the cords under the skin, the muscles of his forearm. He was exactly as I remembered, felt exactly as I remembered. “I’m sorry, I can’t stop crying.” I took a deep breath and tried to stop it, but I couldn’t. “I thought I’d lost you. I thought…”

  “You could never lose me.” His thumbs wiped away my tears again. “Because when I told you I loved you, I meant it. I just… It took me a long time to cool off.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry I put you through that.”

  I pulled his hands off my face and moved into his chest, letting my wet face soak his cotton shirt, let my makeup stain it even though it probably cost four hundred dollars. My arms circled his waist, and I squeezed him hard, unable to believe this was real, it wasn’t a dream that made me jerk awake in the middle of the night.

  His arms circled my waist, and he held me close, his head in the crook of my neck. He breathed hard as he touched me, his hard body softening, like he needed this as much as I did. “I missed you…”

  I breathed into his shirt, crying, my eyes shut tight. “I missed you…so much.”

  I took my assistant position back from Matt without asking Deacon’s permission, because I assumed his answer was obvious. One of my favorite things about my job was taking care of him, my favorite client, and I really went out of my way to make every single day special for him.

  I knocked on his door but didn’t let myself inside like I used to. He said he wanted to take things slow, and I really didn’t understand what that meant, so I behaved like we were friends, like we were in the beginning of our old relationship. I didn’t try to kiss him. I didn’t ask him out. I just…let him steer the ship.