The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless Book 3)

by Victoria Quinn

  “Yeah…maybe. Are you going to your lab?”

  “I’m joining Steve, actually. Asked me to look over his stuff.”

  “Alright. Hope you have better luck than I did.” I started to walk.

  She pivoted her body as I started to pass her. “You seem to be in better spirits.”

  It was an observation, so I didn’t know how to respond. I stopped and looked at her.

  “Did you work things out with Cleo?”

  Was my physical appearance that different from how it used to be? How did people see these things when I couldn’t? I knew what I felt in my chest, but how could she see it too? My entire body stopped aching; my heart stopped feeling sluggish. Having Cleo in my life, even in this altered way, was such a massive improvement for the quality of my life. There was no pressure on my part because I made it clear I wanted us to be together, just at my pace. I’d forgiven her for what she did, and she’d forgiven me for not being there for her. But it would still take some time to get back what we used to have.

  And I wanted that…so much.

  I missed being that happy. It was like being on a cocktail of antidepressants with the smoothest whiskey, giving me a high that never faded, a drunkenness that never abated. I was addicted to the joy, and that was really obvious once the effect wore off.

  I wanted it back.

  Kathleen continued to stare at me, her eyebrow slightly raised because such a long period of silence had passed. “Forget I asked.” She smiled. “Have a good day, Deacon.”

  I snapped out of my reverie, thinking about memories at the cabin. “Yes, I got her back.”

  She nodded slightly. “I’m happy for you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in such a good mood.” She continued her walk down the hallway.

  I lifted my papers and got back to work, forgetting the conversation the second it was over.

  I worked at the dining table, and before I got up to start dinner, Valerie texted me.

  I’m going out tonight. Can you take Derek?

  I never said no. This was what I wanted, to have my son on a regular basis, even if I wanted alone time with Cleo. Now, she was right across the hall from Derek so he might ask some questions, but I still wouldn’t turn Valerie down. Yes.

  I’ll drop him off in a bit.

  When I went into the kitchen, I made dinner for three instead of two.

  The doorbell rang a few minutes later.

  I opened it and greeted Derek. “Hey, little man.”

  He squeezed my waist. “Hey, Dad.” He moved farther into the living room with his backpack on, making himself at home because he was used to being in my condo now.

  I turned to Valerie, who was in a long-sleeved sweater dress with knee-high boots underneath. Her makeup was heavy, her hair big. She was definitely going to impress someone tonight. “I’ll take him to school in the morning.”

  “Great.” She peeked at Derek over my shoulder since she was even taller than usual in those boots. She still had a prissy attitude, like her annoyance still hadn’t settled.

  “Still seeing Jake?”

  Her eyes narrowed at the question. “Why do you care?”

  Because I hated that motherfucker. He lost all self-respect when he threw Cleo under the bus like that. A man who abused his power over an innocent person was no man at all. I had a small amount of concern for Valerie because she was Derek’s mother, so I felt somewhat obligated to protect her. “I don’t like him.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “Ironic. I don’t like Cleo.”

  “But I have a legitimate reason not to like Jake. You can do better than him, Valerie.”

  “A young, hot, billionaire?” she asked incredulously. “Who’s totally sprung on me?”

  Was he that sprung if he’d tattled on Cleo? That was petty and clearly an act of jealousy. “He betrayed her when he told you what happened between them.”

  “Betrayed? Lovers talk about old flames. That wasn’t a betrayal.”

  “He didn’t have to identify her by name. And he certainly didn’t need to rat her out.”

  She shrugged. “I think he did this building a service.”

  “Well, she’s back, so that was short-lived.”

  “What?” she snapped, dropping her arms to her sides. “Why? How the hell did that happen?”

  “Because this building fell apart without her, and you know it.” Matt stopped giving me my things on time. My mail was always days late, groceries were delivered at nine in the evenings sometimes. Without Cleo, everything went to shit. I’d just thought Matt wasn’t as capable as Cleo, but in retrospect, I understood what had really happened.

  She shook her head. “She slept with two men in the building, and she gets her job back? What kind of place is this? A brothel?”

  My eyes narrowed at the insinuation. “Careful, Valerie.” I didn’t want to argue with my ex right in front of Derek, but I wasn’t going to let her rip Cleo apart and stay silent.

  “Well, maybe if the owner knew about the other client she’d slept with, he’d feel differently—”

  “He already knows.”

  Both of her eyebrows rose.

  “Because I told him.”

  Now, she just looked furious.

  “I got her her job back, Valerie. You and Jake can try anything you want to get rid of her, but Boris would much rather lose you and Jake than lose her.”

  Her mouth was open in shock. “You mother—”

  I shut the door in her face.

  Derek was on the couch, his schoolwork on his lap. “Why did Mom just call you mother?”

  He was way too young to know the truth. “I think she was going to say ‘You aren’t his mother.’”

  It didn’t make sense, but Derek bought it.

  When I looked at my little boy, I stopped thinking about Valerie. He was the light of my life, the person who could erase my bad mood with just a smile. “What do you have there?”

  “Homework.”

  “Need help?”

  “No.”

  “Then why do you look so somber?”

  “Somber?” he asked.

  “It means quiet, sad.”

  “Oh. I guess I’m just kinda bored. This stuff is easy.” He held up his multiplication tables. “And this has an error.” He’d circled the word that was misspelled on the document. “And then my teacher said this was wrong, but I checked it three times, and I’m pretty sure she’s wrong.”

  I took the papers and examined it, immediately feeling the kind of pride I’d never felt before. “You’re right, Derek.”

  “I told her, but she doesn’t believe me.”

  I smiled. “Because she doesn’t want to admit a five-year-old is smarter than her.” I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and kissed him on the head. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “Why?” he asked.

  My hand rested on the back of his head, and I looked at his innocent features. “I just am.”

  “Why don’t we ever have pizza?” Derek asked as he looked at his sautéed kale and veggies with sliced chicken breast.

  “Just eat, Derek.”

  “Mom gives me pizza all the time.”

  My response came out like word vomit. “Well, she’s a bitch.”

  Derek turned to me, both of his eyebrows raised.

  Shit. “I mean…she has a different approach to parenting.”

  “What’s a bitch?” he asked.

  Oh fuck.

  “I’ve never heard that word…”

  “It doesn’t mean anything. Just forget I said anything.”

  “Are you a bitch?”

  Sometimes. “Derek, don’t say that word again, alright?”

  “But I’m trying to learn more words—”

  “It’s a bad word, alright? Just don’t repeat it.”

  “Fine.” Derek went back to eating.

  A knock sounded on the door.

  Derek turned in his chair to look at the door. “Who is that?”

&
nbsp; Cleo let herself inside after she knocked, carrying her heavy purse that held her laptop and paperwork. She moved farther inside the condo as she looked into her bag, not seeing us yet.

  Derek’s eyes popped open as if he couldn’t believe she was there. “Oh my god! Cleo!” He got off the chair and sprinted.

  Cleo turned to see him rushing toward her, her features transfixed in shock. She had no idea he was there because we hadn’t spoken today. She dropped her bag on the rug, not caring about the laptop, and got to her knees just in time to embrace him. “Derek…” She hugged him tightly, squeezing him to her chest just the way I did. One hand cupped the back of his head, and her eyes immediately filled with tears. “I missed you so much.”

  “I missed you too.” His arms were around her neck, and he held her that way for a while.

  I sat there, my own eyes getting emotional at their reunion. It was like watching a different version of myself with Derek. She had the same feelings I did, the same tears, the same overwhelming love for that little boy.

  When he pulled away, he looked at her face, where her tears were sliding down her cheeks. “Why are you crying, Cleo?”

  She sniffed before she smiled. “I’m just so happy to see you.” She pulled him back into her chest and hugged him again. “I thought about you every single day I didn’t see you.” She kissed his forehead before she released her grip.

  “Does this mean you’re back?” He turned back to me, looking for confirmation.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  He turned back to Cleo. “Yay!” He jumped into her arms again. “That means we can go back to the cabin, go to the movies, I can show you my friends, we can go to the beach house…” He rambled on and on.

  But she hung on every word. “I can’t wait to do all those things with you, sweetheart.” She cupped his cheeks before she released him. “I’ve had such a long day, but looking at you makes me forget about all of it.” She sighed loudly as she looked into his features. “I love you…”

  “I love you too, Cleo.” He turned back to the table and crawled into his chair so he could finish his dinner.

  I walked to her next and bent down to help her pick up the bag she’d dropped. “I hope your laptop is okay.”

  She shrugged. “I have everything backed up, so I don’t care.”

  I lifted the bag and set it on the couch before I turned to her.

  Her cheeks were wet and her eyes were puffy, just like they were when we talked last week. I’d never seen anyone cry so much, which was unexpected since Cleo was so logical most of the time. My hands went to her cheeks, and I wiped the tears away with the pads of my thumbs, feeling the moisture stick to the callused skin.

  She smiled as she looked up at me, her makeup ruined, her poise destroyed. “Caught me off guard… I wasn’t expecting to see him.”

  “Would your reaction have been any different if you knew he was here?”

  After she considered the question, she shook her head. “No…probably not.”

  There were many reasons why I fell in love with her, but seeing the way she genuinely loved Derek was one of the bigger ones. It wasn’t a ploy to get my affection. It was real. I could see it in her face right now, the way she broke down once she finally had him back. It was the exact reaction I had when she’d brought him to New York for my birthday. “He asked about you all the time.”

  “I know.”

  “You know?”

  “Well…he called me.”

  I cocked an eyebrow.

  “When you were in the shower, he called me from your phone.”

  I felt like a fool for being outsmarted by a child, but I smiled anyway. “Of course he did…”

  “We talked for a while. He asked me not to give up on you.”

  My smile faded. “When did this happen?”

  “A few days before you wanted to talk to me. He said you were sad…you weren’t the same.”

  Looked like everyone noticed, from my five-year-old son to my colleagues. “He’s a smart kid.”

  “Yeah, he is.”

  My arms circled her waist, and I pulled her in for a hug, letting her rest against my chest, letting her decompress after a long day of taking care of everyone else but herself. Her face leaned against my chin, and I squeezed her lower back. The embrace lasted a long time because it was so comfortable, so right. The touch was satisfying, fulfilling all the emotional desires I’d had for a long time, like affection, intimacy, love.

  It was difficult to let her go.

  Her eyes had had time to dry, and now a soft smile was on her lips. Her makeup was still destroyed, but she somehow never looked more beautiful.

  My hand wanted to slide to the back of her neck, my fingers push through her soft hair, and then kiss her. But if I kissed her, I wouldn’t stop kissing her, and it just wasn’t the right moment with Derek at the dinner table.

  So, I didn’t. “Hungry?”

  She was slightly disappointed, like she could read my thoughts, knew I wanted to kiss her but didn’t. “Yes, what’s on the menu?”

  Derek yelled from the dining table. “Garbage.”

  Cleo immediately chuckled. “That doesn’t sound good.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Derek.”

  “What?” he asked. “That’s what it looks like.” I headed to the table and pulled out the chair for her. I went into the kitchen and made her plate before placing it in front of her.

  “See?” Derek asked. “It looks like the stuff that sits on top of the garbage can when you open it.”

  Cleo tried to be serious, but it was hard to hide her smile. “I don’t think it looks that bad.”

  “Yeah…okay.” Derek rolled his eyes. “You’re just saying that because you’re a bitch.”

  Cleo burst out laughing, like she knew Derek couldn’t possibly mean that literally, and it was a word he didn’t know how to use.

  My eyes burned into Derek’s face.

  He chuckled as he watched Cleo laugh.

  “Derek.” I warned him with my tone, not afraid to discipline him even though I absolutely hated it. “What did I just tell you?”

  “What?” Derek asked. “Cleo thought it was funny.”

  Cleo immediately stopped laughing, as if she knew she was making this more difficult for me.

  “Because you don’t understand how to use that word,” I snapped.

  “Maybe I would if you would tell me what it means,” he snapped back.

  I got to my feet instantly. “Go to your room.”

  He sighed as he bowed his head. “Dad—”

  “Go to your room, or I will carry you myself.” I pointed to the hallway as I stared him down.

  “Fine…” He got off the chair and started to walk.

  “And if you say that word again, I’m selling the cabin.”

  “What?” He turned around. “Dad—”

  “You want to make sure that doesn’t happen? Get ready for bed, and don’t come out of that bedroom until tomorrow morning.”

  He turned around and walked away, his shoulders sagging and his feet dragging. His footsteps faded away, and then the bathroom door shut.

  Cleo didn’t eat. She just looked at me. “I’m sorry. When I heard what he said, I just couldn’t help it—”

  “Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

  “Well…where did that come from?”

  I felt a little guilty, because I was the one who’d introduced that word to him in a very inappropriate manner. “Valerie dropped him off a while ago, and she pissed me off. And then Derek kept asking for pizza since she always gives him pizza…so I called her a bitch.”

  She laughed again but quickly covered her mouth with her hand to silence the sound.

  “I told him not to repeat that word, but…he couldn’t help himself.”

  She dropped her hand, a smile still on her lips. “He’s so smart that sometimes I forget he’s just a kid…”

  “Yeah.” I found myself talking to him like an adult
because of his maturity level, but he was still a young boy who liked all the attention from saying a bad word that had so much meaning. “I just don’t want him to go to school, calling his teacher a bitch…”

  “It’d be pretty funny if he said it to Valerie, though…”

  Valerie really was a bitch, but I felt terrible showing him that kind of behavior, calling a woman that, especially his mother. One day, he would understand the derogatory nature of the word and would remember that I’d said it. That wasn’t the kind of man I wanted to be—and certainly not the kind of man I wanted my son to be.

  She seemed to read my mood. “You can’t be perfect all the time, Deacon.”

  “Yeah, but kids learn by what you do, not what you tell them to do. I don’t want him to think talking about a woman like that is okay, even if it’s justified.”

  “Derek will grow up to a good man. This one incident won’t change that.” She took a bite of her food. “And if you sell that cabin, I’ll never forgive you.” She pointed her fork at me.

  I smiled slightly. “Never.”

  “Good.”

  I could never get rid of the happiest place in the world.

  She finished all her food, enjoying it, unlike my son. She also helped herself to the bottle of wine I’d left on the table. “How was your day?”

  “Fine. Yours?”

  “Busy. How’s your research going?”

  I hadn’t talked to her about that in a long time. “I’m having a lot of success with my clinical trials.”

  “That’s amazing. Great news.”

  “But also a lot of failures. Some of my patients are recovering, while others aren’t…and I can’t figure out why.”

  “Medicine only goes so far, Deacon. And you shouldn’t put the weight of that mystery on your shoulders.”

  I wasn’t a spiritual man. Never had been. I believed there was a solution to every problem—just had to find it. “I think there’s a cure for cancer, a way to rid all kinds of cancer from the body, but we haven’t found that solution yet. It’s probably not as simple as a single drug or treatment. Cancer behaves differently in every patient, making it complicated, but if we can understand each scenario, we can have many solutions…to many kinds of scenarios.”

  “I didn’t mean to put you down—”