Church Boy

by Kirk Franklin

  I do a disclaimer at the beginning of every concert. A few years ago it was like an apology, asking people to be patient with us and not to judge us until they heard what we had to say. Then for a while it was not so much an apology as an explanation. But now, after we’ve seen what God is doing in the lives of young people through this music, it’s more like a seat-belt warning. “Okay, people, buckle up. Let’s get our praise on!”

  What we give young people is hope. We let them know they’re not alone and that there are others who feel the way they do. We know the world is chewing them up. Gangs are sucking them in. Sex and AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases are killing them and ruining their lives. In the face of all that stuff, our music is there to say, “Don’t give up. God can help!”

  Both these groups, Kirk Franklin & the Family and God’s Property, are trying to take our young people back to where they belong. We want to save lives, not lose them. We have all been there ourselves. We know the risks. Some of the young people who are singing with God’s Property today were gang-bangers just a couple of years ago. So they know what that kind of life is like, and they have found out that Jesus has a better answer. That’s the answer we want to give them. We want to share our hope.

  If some of the preachers and youth ministers in the local churches can’t see what’s happening to their kids, then they’ve got to be blind. Sometimes hard-nosed traditionalists are blinded by their beliefs so that they can’t see that reality. Maybe they don’t even want to admit the truth of what’s happening out there or who’s ultimately responsible for it. The church hasn’t always been there for those young people. The only thing those hard-nosed traditionalists can see is that these musicians are really wild and seem pretty far out for gospel singers.

  Ever since that first meeting back in 1992 when we laid out the basic outlines of the Family, we’ve been concerned about the legalism in the church. We’ve been hurt by it, but I can honestly say it’s a lot better today than it was five years ago.

  Those who live by rigid legalism may not be able to see the obvious. And too often they can’t even see how their attitudes are driving young people out of the church and into the streets and the gangs and the clubs. But sooner or later there has to be a reality check.

  When they say, “It’s not what I’m used to and I don’t like it, so I’m not having it in my church,” what they’re actually saying is, “I don’t want to keep these kids in the house of God if that’s the kind of music they want to hear. So I’m not having them here in my church anymore.” Rather than seeing what the music can do for the hearts and minds of their kids, they toss them out the door and give them up to the world.

  Any minister who loves God ought to rejoice to see young people praising the name of Jesus and focusing their eyes on Him instead of the cheap imitations the world is offering. Instead of saying, “I’m not having that in my church,” they need to be singing with us at the top of their lungs, “Go Jesus, go Jesus, go!”

  God knows our motives. He has really sheltered us. And my relationship with the Family is very important in helping me keep my focus. Those men and women know me like nobody else, and they remember me when. They keep me accountable.

  Here’s just one example: When we were in Oklahoma City on tour in mid-1997, I overheard David Mann telling somebody, “Yeah, I love him, but I’ve known him for thirteen years. I’ve known him since he was a snot-nosed kid.” I laughed at that, but that’s how it should be. They love me, but they also remind me who I am and where I came from.

  What has always been a concern for me—and for a time I think it discouraged me from doing some of the things I really wanted to do—was that I never wanted to do anything that might screw up whatever God was doing through our music. It was very evident that He was doing something. And I was so scared, thinking, I’m going to do something and blow this.

  Not that I was doing so much wrong in general, but my lifestyle and the casual promiscuity that seems to come along with this crazy business was just killing me. A lot of people didn’t know about it at the time; either they didn’t think about it, didn’t consider it, or just didn’t care. But my flesh was killing me.

  There was never a time when I got caught up in it and thought I was pulling something over on anybody. And there was never a time when I got focused in on the money or the awards or the media hype or any of that stuff. I just didn’t want to blow it.

  What made it worse was that nobody around me was saying, “Kirk, you gotta get a grip on this, and stop it now!” People were pulling on me. Girls would say, “Kirk, I don’t want anything; let’s just watch TV and hold hands.” They’d say they wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, except there was always this compromise and sudden change of attitude when we were alone together.

  That stuff wasn’t happening because that’s what I wanted. It was happening because I thought that’s just the way it was. A lot of the pastors and preachers and music leaders I had known were doing it. And I honestly thought for a time that that’s what you were supposed to do.

  Consequently, I misinterpreted sex for love. I thought sex was the main thing—until later when I realized how empty I was inside. And that awareness was the first step toward emotional and spiritual healing.

  The hype, the media, and all the pomp and circumstance never did shake me. What was awesome for me wasn’t just the success. It wasn’t that I was suddenly able to go into the store and buy whatever I wanted or needed. What blew me away was the awareness that suddenly I could start helping other people through my financial blessings.

  I always loved doing that, even when I was going to Jolly Time and had a little bit of change in my pocket. I mean, I was making a hundred dollars a month at Mount Rose, so I could pay my friends’ way into the skating rink. Of course, they weren’t really my friends. They were just hanging out with me on Saturday nights. But I enjoyed doing something for other people, even then.

  By January 1995 I knew I couldn’t go on with the life I was leading. I didn’t want to hurt God, and I knew I’d already been doing that to some degree. Things were going much too fast, and I didn’t want to let them go any further. So I knew I had to make some changes.

  I believe that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, and now that I’m a little older and a little bit wiser, I think that what I went through can give me a stronger witness with some of the young people I’m talking to in my music. My failures and my inability to resist the temptations I fell into are the proof that I’ve been there. But, thank God, today I’ve been set free. And if I did it, you can too!

  Today I use my own struggles to talk to young men. I say, “Listen, young man. Don’t do it! Respect yourself, respect that young woman, respect your mama, and remember the values she tried to teach you.”

  Staying clean, staying pure—it’s not just the right thing to do, it’s the best thing because it’s what God wants from you.

  I can say to that young woman out there, “Stop now. Turn it over to Jesus. Do it for Him, and you do it for yourself at the same time.”

  And then I say, “Listen to me, young man. I’m telling you the truth because I’ve been there, and I regret it more than I can say.” Some of those young men and women will listen to me. They know I’m not lying.

  SOMEONE SPECIAL

  God allowed me to go through it all. Then, in the midst of His taking my music ministry to another level, He strategically put Tammy back in my life. I was just eighteen when I first met Tammy. She had grown up in Arlington, Texas, not far from where I lived. I saw her exactly once, but something locked in my mind. I knew she was special.

  I met her again in 1992 through her cousin Titia, who at the time was dating someone who was helping me on the Why We Sing demo. Titia invited Tammy to come to the recording of the demo. We started dating and would see or talk to each other almost every day until she and her group moved to Minneapolis to pursue a career in R&B music.

  We tried to maintain a long-dista
nce relationship but I didn’t have a record contract yet, so I didn’t have the means to see her, nor did she have the means to come to Texas.

  We developed a good friendship but, because of the distance, it was difficult to pursue the relationship. We began seeing other people but would keep in touch. The distance was hard, and soon it was painful to speak to each other because we had feelings we could not act on. There was a time I would not return her phone calls because conversation would stir up those feelings. So she stopped calling, but would leave a message from time to time.

  Then one day in 1995, right when I knew I needed to get some things settled between God and me, Tammy came back into my life. Out of the blue, she called and left a message on my machine.

  She said, “Hi, Kirk. This is Tammy, and I just wanted to see how you’re doing. But Kirk, this is the last time I’m leaving a message. You haven’t returned any of my calls, and if you don’t return this one I’m not going to call back anymore.” She left her number and hung up, and that was it.

  I called her back. Coincidentally, she was going to be in Detroit the same time I was to see her family, who had been relocated from Texas.

  I made it a point to call her when we arrived. I spent some time with her and her family in Detroit, and it was really nice. She was more beautiful than I remembered. She wasn’t pushy and aggressive like so many girls I knew. She was quieter, cuter, cooler, and more natural. She was comfortable to be with, and I liked that.

  She flew with me for a concert in Oakland, California, and we had a chance to talk about who we were inside and what we were really looking for in all this. I had been dating another girl off and on the past year and a half, but I could see it wasn’t going to turn into anything. I wanted somebody who loved the Lord and the church as much as I did, but I was trying to make that girl into what I thought she should be. It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t working.

  So when Tammy came back into my life, I thought it was good timing for making some changes. After the Oakland performance I had to go down to Los Angeles, and she came with me. While we were there I asked her to be my girlfriend. And that Sunday morning we went to church with a friend of mine.

  A NEW REALM

  Ever since I was a baby, Gertrude had been putting stuff in me to create a fear of God—a reverence for God and a profound respect for the authority of God. So that was working.

  I have always been a Jesus freak. I’ve always been a lover of God, even when I was embarrassed around people. When I was put up on this platform, that didn’t change. Things would start coming at me sometimes that I wasn’t strong enough to push off. When they would come, sometimes I would accept them. But I wanted to change.

  I remember how I had felt just a few months earlier when I was on my way to San Diego for the national convention of the National Association of Record Manufacturers. It’s a very big, very important convention for people in this business. But on the way to the airport I was feeling really low. I had spent the weekend with a girl who didn’t mean anything to me. She had just flown out to hang around with me, and as I headed toward San Diego I wondered why I had let myself get into that situation.

  At one point I said to Jessie Hurst, my buddy and road manager, “Jessie, I’m tired of it. I’m sick and tired of this lifestyle.”

  Jessie said, “Kirk, I know what you’re saying. You’ve said it before. But what are you going to do about it?”

  I said, “Man, I wish I could just settle down and find that one special person I’d like to marry.”

  Jessie said, “I hear you talking about people, Kirk, and I know most of the women you go out with. But nobody you talk about ever seems to make you happy. Isn’t there anybody you really like?”

  I thought for a minute and said, “There’s this girl I met one time back in 1988. We dated for a while back in 1992, then she left, and that’s about the only girl I can honestly say I ever really liked.”

  That girl was Tammy.

  Nothing more was said about it then. But we flew out to San Diego for the convention, and while I was there I really thought about all that and prayed about it. When I got back to Los Angeles, I went to see a pastor friend who lives there, and I said, “Man, I’m really tired of this lifestyle. I’m sick and tired of being by myself. Tired of being single and tired of dating, because it’s doing nothing but just draining me.”

  My friend knew what I was saying. Like Jessie, he had heard it all before too. I continued unloading on him for a while and said what was in my heart, “I know God is not going to send me anybody with the lifestyle I have right now. He’s not going to send me anybody I can hurt. I know what I’ve got to do, and it’s not going to be easy. But I’ve got to stop messing around and practice abstinence until God puts that special person in my life.”

  Later that afternoon I called the young lady I was dating and said we had to stop. From that moment on I was committed to getting all that stuff under control and, with God’s help, cleaning up my act in every area.

  God had put Tammy back into my life in such a miraculous way. I had always felt that there was something very special about Tammy. She was unique. Everything about her was godly—her heart, her spirit, and her mind. The instant I saw her, I knew this was it. I knew I wanted our relationship to be permanent. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. About a month later, I asked her to be my wife, and when she said yes, it was the best day of my life. Of all my many blessings, that was the greatest.

  I honestly believe that God used Tammy to usher me into a new realm, a new opportunity for God’s purposes in my life. We both knew our love was special, so we made sure our wedding was special too.

  When we finally had the ceremony on January 20, 1996, I couldn’t believe it was really happening. Tammy and her mother planned an absolutely beautiful wedding. There were flowers, music, decorations. Tammy’s wedding dress was awesome, and even the groomsmen looked good in their black tuxedos!

  All our close friends and family were there, and when Tammy and I exchanged wedding vows, we also exchanged vows of love and faithfulness with our children. I pledged to love and care for her daughter, Carrington, and Tammy made the same kind of vow to my son, Kerrion. We left nothing out, because we both knew this was for real, and it was for life.

  MAKING SENSE OF IT

  Later, when we compared notes on how the whole thing started and how we fell in love in the first place, it was cool to find out that Tammy had been going through a lot of the same emotions that I was feeling at the time. Whenever she would think about getting married and settling down, she says my name always seemed to come up, out of the blue. She would hear something about me, or somebody would mention my name. One time her mother asked, “Tammy, whatever happened to that young man you were seeing down in Texas?” Things like that happened so often she started to think that maybe it wasn’t just coincidence.

  There was one particular guy she knew during this time who seemed to go out of his way to keep her posted on all the negative things he could come up with about me. Tammy says it was like he was working overtime telling her awful stuff, most of which wasn’t even true. She realized it was probably the enemy trying to cloud her mind with negative feelings for the man she might be interested in marrying. But, ironically, the more this guy talked trash to her, the more she thought about me and worried about me. He was trying to make himself look better, but in the end he only made me look better.

  Because of her own musical career and the temptations she’d been exposed to, Tammy knew what I had been going through. She knew I was traveling too fast, doing too much, seeing too much of the world, and she realized that God couldn’t use me in that condition. But the spiritual part was that she was feeling really burned out about her own relationships at that time and Tammy was asking herself, “Is this all there is? Is this what it’s really all about?”

  Little did we know that when I returned her call we both were coming into what we had been praying for. She was tired of comprom
ising her faith to sing R&B, and she didn’t want to portray a negative image for her daughter, Carrington. She was fed up with dating, and wanted to truly live for the Lord. We feel her phone call to me was totally God, because she was becoming anti-relationships. When I called it wasn’t magical or anything. She was still skeptical. But it was the first step.

  Like me, Tammy grew up in the church, singing in the choir, and even after she got involved with R&B music, she still had a love for God. The group she sang with, Ashanti, was into empowerment for women—saying “You can do it!” and stuff like that. But in the R&B world, the message didn’t mean very much. They were three attractive young women, and the music industry demanded that everything they did had to be suggestive and sexy—the sexier the better—and that was hard for Tammy.

  Because she had to go through all that, I think she probably understood my situation better than most wives in this business. Today she understands and supports me, and she doesn’t see my ministry as just another job. But I know it’s been hard for her to see me spending so much time on the road. Tammy has worked hard to make our home a special place—a private place where we can just relax and enjoy our children. But up until the fall of 1997, it was almost impossible to have as much time at home as we would have liked. That’s changing now, thank goodness, and we’ve been able to take some time off to relax and have fun together. That’s been an incredible blessing for both of us.

  Tammy prayed that God would give our new baby, Kennedy, a special relationship with her daddy, and it’s so rewarding for me to see how God is answering her prayers. I never knew my own father, and I don’t want to be an absentee father for my kids. Our children are so special and so very precious to me. Spending time with Tammy and the kids has given me a joy and a sense of accomplishment like nothing I’ve ever known. No wonder everybody’s into family values these days. They’re right. If God’s at the center of it, there’s no greater happiness than spending time with your family.