Lover Boy

by Cassie-Ann L. Miller

He waves me off. “Hans is a sweater-vest-wearing, pseudo-intellectual closet-republican who’s obsessed with CGI bukkake hentai porn. And he would be nothing without his sister’s Calvin Klein employee discount.” Then he eyes me earnestly, “And honestly, you’re the only person I’ve ever loved.”

  Screeeech! Hold up! What?!

  Martin sets his glass aside and takes both of my hands in his. “That’s what I came here to tell you tonight, Reese. Leaving you was a mistake. I’ve thought of you every single day. You were right. I think this gay thing was a phase. I want you back. I’m not so sure I’m into guys anymore. I’m not gay.”

  When the words finally stop gushing out of his mouth I’m sitting there frozen. “I-I…”

  “I know this is a bit much to digest all at once but the fire is still alive between us. You feel it, right?” He scoots closer and gives me his bedroom eyes. “We can take it slow. How about we go grab dinner and catch a Celine Dion show? Or Barbara Striesand is playing just around the block.” He waggles his brows at the offer that I obviously can’t refuse.

  That’s when it dawns on me. “You cheated on him, didn’t you? You cheated on Hans!”

  His shoulders drop in defeat. “If it makes you feel any better, it was with a woman.”

  Uh, no it doesn’t make me feel any better.

  I slide my hands out of his. “Martin, you’re obviously confused. Not just about your sexuality but about the way life works in general.”

  He pleads. “But I’m sorry I left you. Nothing’s ever been clearer to me.”

  I’d love to stay and continue this chat but…no. “Hun, in three months, you’ll be saying the same thing about Hans.” I rise to my feet and pivot in the direction of the dance floor.

  Martin is pouting now. Like he always does when he doesn’t get his way. “Please, Reesie?”

  I glance over at Sophia. She’s crying into another cocktail at the bar while a dimple-faced, muscle man is all up in her space, breathing down her neck. Meanwhile Nova is too busy arguing with Charlie to realize that our drunk and depressed friend is about to get fucked on the sticky counter in her wedding dress.

  “It was really nice talking with you, Martin. But I need to be with my friends tonight. Goodbye.”

  “Don’t you walk away from me, Theresa!” He says in a tight voice, glancing around embarrassedly to see if anyone’s watching.

  “You are a terrible person, Martin. Terrible in life and in bed. Hans is onto something. I’d rather watch computer-generated bukkake porn in a yuppie republican sweater vest for all of eternity than get back with you.”

  As I stomp away, a smile overtakes my face. Martin is lost and he needs saving, but for once, I won’t be the one to try.

  Chapter 43

  Leo

  Brenton sits next to me, eyes riveted to the TV screen. His little body tenses and he leans forward, eagerly anticipating the next scene. And when the grasshopper leaps out of his hole and whacks the mouse on the head, my son flops back against the cushions and explodes into giggles as if he’s only seeing this for the first time.

  His dark twinkling eyes come to mine. “Isn’t that funny, daddy?”

  Pulling on a smile seems to use up the pittance of energy that I’ve got. “Sure is,” I say unconvincingly.

  The young boy examines my face. “Daddy, why come we don’t watch movies at Reese’s house anymore?”

  “It’s how come. Not why come.”

  If I thought that giving him a mini grammar lesson would somehow divert the conversation, I was wrong. He corrects himself. “How come we don’t watch movies at Reese’s house?”

  My heavy inhale pushes my chest upward. “Reese is busy, bud.”

  I’ve barely gotten a glimpse of Reese since she got back from Las Vegas. She’s been keeping her distance. I’m aching for just a little piece of her, just a tiny smile. But all she has for me is a harsh expression and dark eyes. She’s hurting and I’m the reason. Ending our relationship was supposed to resolve things. Not make them worse.

  Brenton’s little eyebrow jerks up. “When I saw her yesterday, she didn’t look busy to me. But she did looked sad.” The corners of his lips turn down and my chest goes taut. “Daddy, you look sad too…Do you miss watching movies at Reese’s house?”

  I stare into his innocent little face and I can’t bring myself to lie to him. I do feel sad, I do miss Reese. So much. I slide an arm around his shoulder and give him a squeeze. “It was fun watching movies at her house. But over here, it’s just us boys. No girls allowed. And that’s fun, right?”

  He doesn’t seem impressed by my lame attempt to focus on a silver lining that isn’t really there. He looks up at me and the sageness in his stare is far too much for his four years. “I don’t like it when you’re sad, daddy.” He presses his little body closer to mine. “I think we need to watch movies at Reese’s house.”

  If only it was that simple.

  Chapter 44

  Reese

  As Sophia curls up on the couch, Nova fusses about, fluffing her pillows and draping her in a warm quilt.

  I lay out a few issues of Farmers’ Weekly, garlic butter mashed potatoes with bacon bits and a tub of Cool Whip within arm’s reach on the coffee table.

  I crouch down next to her and hand her the remote. “Hun, we’re gonna give you some space, okay? But if you need anything, just call out. I’ll be right on the back porch if you need me.”

  Sophia’s blank eyes stare off into space as she gives me an underwhelming nod.

  Nova brushes back the hair matted to her forehead. “I’m sorry I’ve gotta go. I have a gig tonight. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  In response, Sophia pushes a wheezy breath and slumps deeper into the cushions.

  “She just needs some rest,” Nova says unconvincingly as she grabs her guitar case, throws an arm around my shoulder and steers me out onto the porch.

  “D’you think she’ll be okay?” I ask once we’re out of earshot.

  With a sigh, Nova collapses against the patio railing. “I hope so,” she says solemnly.“Is it bad that I wish Josh would get hit by a truck full of bloody pig testicles?”

  I seriously consider the question for a second. “Well given what he’s done, I’d call that karmic justice but I think it’s pretty unlikely.”

  Nova’s tone carries a hint of optimism. “Stranger things have happened…”

  I nod. “True. Stranger things have happened…”

  We stand in silence for a moment, letting the warm summer breeze wash over us. “How are you doing?” my friend asks. On the way to Vegas, I’d given her a vague rundown of what happened with Leo but everyone around us was in the mood to party and I didn’t want to put a damper on the occasion, so I opted to keep my sadness to myself. “We never really got the chance to talk about how things ended with Leo.”

  My heart wretches at the mention of his name. “There’s nothing to talk about, really. We used to be fuck friends and now we aren’t.” I shrug a shoulder to mask how helpless and heartbroken I feel. I’m exhausted and this exhaustion isn’t accompanied by the exhilaration of a sleeplessness night of passion and hot sex. This exhaustion comes from tossing and turning and spending the night wishing things were different.

  “Are you sure you’re in the right head space to take care of Sophia? You just got your own heart broken.”

  The answer, beyond a reasonable doubt, is no. I am decidedly unfit to care for another person at the moment. But at least, tending to Sophia’s needs takes my focus off of me. And that’s what I need if I’m going to get through this.

  I smile at Nova even though she doesn’t seem to buy my happy act. “Helping Sophia makes me feel better.”

  She sighs as she slings her guitar case strap over her shoulder. “That hero complex of yours will take you to your grave.” She wraps an arm around me and presses a quick kiss to my cheek. “Sorry I can’t stay. I’ve gotta go. I’m playing a bat mitzah. Last minute gig. They called me after Ricky Martin cancell
ed so I’ve gotta bring my A-game, y’know? Plus, they’re paying by the hour.”

  “Go knock ‘em dead, babe,” I call out as she skips down the stairs.

  She does an exaggerated curtsy before climbing into her car and speeding off.

  I take a few minutes to stand there on the patio and let the sun pour down on my skin. I do my best not to look over at the neighboring yard, at the stairs where Leo first kissed me, at the spot where he offered me his body while telling me his heart was off-limits. Despite my best efforts, pain rains down on me, canceling out the healing effects of the sun.

  This isn’t helping. It’s actually making me feel worse.

  I take a few lethargic steps toward my door before the door on the neighboring patio slides open. My stomach coils and all that fight or flight stuff kicks in but I keep my head straight and my movements steady…until I hear his voice.

  “Reese?!”

  My head snaps in Brenton’s direction. “Brent!”

  At the sight of the little boy, my mettle and my steel dissolve. I drop to my knees and he runs across the yard into my waiting arms. The reunion nearly has me in tears as I wrap him up in a monster hug.

  He pulls out of the embrace but holds tight to my hand as he talks a mile a minute, catching up on the happenings at school and in his favorite cartoons.

  When he runs out of steam, he grins up in my face. He’s so adorable. He even has a new haircut and the sling on his broken arm is covered in colorful squiggles. ”I miss you,” he tells me. I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to break even more. “Why come I don’t come to your house anymore?”

  The little grammatically-incorrect question hits me in the chest. “Well sweetie, your dad doesn’t need my help anymore.”

  “But you’re my friend…” His eyes glitter at me with confusion. The guilt and turmoil I feel is too much.

  I pull him in for another cuddle so that I don’t have to see that expression on his face. “I’m so sorry, Brenton.” The child has been through so much. I hate being another person who let him down.

  My mind registers the frantic echo of Leo’s voice. “Brenton! Brenton!” It starts off faint but quickly grows louder and heavy with worry.

  I brace myself for the sight of him. I know it’s gonna hurt. He tears through the back door and explodes onto the porch. “BRENTON!”

  His steps falter when he sees me. I stand up with shaky knees. His anger drops and something intense and forlorn steps into its place. “Reese…”

  “Hi.” I’m shocked at my ability to deliver the word in a smooth, casual tone.

  He closes the inches between us. “You…Hey, hi…I mean…” He’s stuttering and I can’t figure out whether that look on his face is good or bad. Luckily, my nerves don’t knock my knees out from under me.

  I won’t allow the mix of emotions I feel when I look at him rope me in. “I was only saying hi to Brent. I have to go.”

  Brenton throws his arm around my legs and sniffles. I put a kiss in his messy hair then disappear inside.

  Chapter 45

  Leo

  I startle at the three neat, steady taps against the backdoor. The pot that I’m washing slips from my fingers and lands in the sink with a loud, jarring bang.

  Brenton’s head shoots up and swivels in the direction of the back porch. “It might be Reese!” He drops his crayon and watches me expectantly.

  This is exactly what I didn’t want. This is why I should have pushed her away when she showed up in my world with her big, brown eyes and her soft, open smile and her beautiful heart. Now the kid is attached. And she’s gone. He already lost his mother. Now his heart is breaking all over again and this time, it’s completely my fault.

  I’m even more broken than he is. I’m back to the sleepless nights. Sitting alone on the back stoop. Feeling hopeless. Smoking like a damn chimney. Forcing myself not to look up at her bedroom window, hoping to catch a glimpse of her as she goes about her nightly routine.

  I shouldn’t have let her into our lives. Because now that she’s gone the torment is more painful than ever.

  My heart is covered in blisters but that’s the price I have to pay because I never should have gotten tangled up with that girl in the first place. I should have devoted myself completely to seeing about my child’s welfare and best interests. Instead, I let myself freefall for that beautiful, sweet-smelling distraction. And now, I’m battered and bruised and kicking myself because I know she is, too.

  “Fuck…” I grumble under my breath when the knock rings out again. I shove my tense fingers into my hair.

  I rinse out my hands and dry them on a rag before turning off the pipe. I take a second to breathe before I pad over to the back door. I know that if it’s Reese on my back porch, I’m going to need all the strength I can muster to keep from dropping to my knees and saying something stupid to her. But when I get to the door, it isn’t at all who I expected to see.

  It’s Sophia standing there.

  I have no idea why she’s here. We finished up work on her house right on schedule. Right before the wedding.

  The wedding that never happened. Shit.

  I slide the door open and it rolls along its tracks. She gives me a smile. It’s weak but it tells me that she’s at least trying to put on a brave face.

  “Hey,” she says.

  “Hey.” I shove my hand into the pocket of my jeans and wait for her to speak.

  She stretches a metal canister out to me. It looks familiar. “You forgot your flask at the construction site,” she tells me. “It’s got your name engraved into the cap. I found it when I was cleaning my stuff out of Josh’s house.” I wince at the poorly-concealed distress in her voice.

  I take it from her. “Thanks.” My chest tightens up at the sight of her. She’s not all dressed up as usual. She’s wearing a black long-sleeved shirt with jeans and flats. Her face is puffy. I can tell how hard she’s trying to keep it together.

  I know the feeling all too well.

  “How are you doing?” I usually wouldn’t pry into her affairs. We’re not friends but I know that she’s a good person and I know that she’s hurting.

  Her smile sits on the surface of her face, no depth to it. “I’m still standing,” she says wistfully. “I guess that’s what counts.” She scratches at the side of her face when she says it. Her gigantic ring is gone.

  I feel a little hand on the back of my leg and look down to find Brenton tangled around me.

  “Hi…” he says.

  Sophia’s smile warms up. “Hey Brenton. Remember me?”

  “You’re Reese’s friend,” he says without skipping a beat.

  “I am,” she leans forward so that they’re at eye level. “You have a good memory, huh?”

  My boy nods. “I do.”

  “How are you doing?” she asks softly.

  “I’m fine. Just coloring. Wanna see?” Wrapping his fingers around her wrist, the little boy drags her inside and they hover near the kitchen table.

  She picks up the drawing and inspects it. “Wow, that’s a cool t-rex.”

  Brent gives her an annoyed glare. “It’s not a t-rex. It’s a titanosaurus.”

  I cringe a little bit at his admonishing tone but Sophia takes his scolding like a champ. “Ah…” she says biting down her laugh as she glances at me. “I stand corrected.”

  He shrugs. “It’s all right. Not everybody knows about dinosaurs,” he says shrewdly. “Reese told me the differences between all the different types of dinosaurs.” His voice drops and so do his shoulders. “I miss Reese.” His gaze falls to the floor as he makes the confession. “She said she’s my friend but she never comes to see me anymore.” His words break my heart.

  Sophia looks up at me, her mouth opening and closing. She doesn’t know how to answer that one. I intervene to save her. “Brent, we talked about this. Reese is very busy. That’s why you stay with Mrs. Pinnechecko after school. Remember?”

  The kid gives me a sour look that tells
me he’s calling bullshit. Sophia notices it, too. She’s staring hard at the side of my head.

  She intervenes in the bitter standoff between me and my son. “Brenton, do you mind if me and your daddy speak in private for a little while?”

  He shrugs, his resentment painted all over his tiny features. “Daddy, can I play with the iPad?”

  He knows he’s only allowed to play with it on Saturday mornings but he’s going to manipulate the situation to get me to bend the rules. He knows I feel guilty and he’ll use it to his advantage. Kids… “Fine,” I say in defeat before excusing myself to take him upstairs. With a victorious smile on his lips, he gets comfy on my bed with his broken arm clutched to his chest as he plays a game on the tablet.

  When I go back downstairs, Sophia is sitting at the kitchen table. She wears an keen expression as I step back into the room. Her words spill out quickly.

  “I know that what’s going on between you and Reese is none of my business but she’s one of my best friends so I’m gonna be nosy and give you my two cents.” With a hitched brow, I drop silently into the seat across from her. “She’s an amazing person and she cares about you and Brent. You’re making a mistake. Shutting her out the way you are is a mistake.”

  “Sophia, I had to let her go. I was being selfish. I need to do what’s best for my son.” I scrub a hand down my face as I say the words.

  She shakes her head. “Can’t you see? You aren’t doing your son any favors by shutting Reese out of your life. You’re miserable, Brenton is miserable and—let me tell you a secret—Reese is miserable.”

  She’s right. Both Brent and I are going crazy from missing Reese. And the look on her face when I saw her on the porch last night—she’s broken and it was spelled out clearly in her features.

  “Reese deserves more than some guy who’s just going to treat her like a rebound,” I say, hanging my head.

  “Then treat her like more than a rebound.” Sophia makes it sound so simple. “Choosing to be with the person who makes you happy doesn’t make you a bad father, Leo.”