Cherish Me

by Farrah Rochon

  “Well, since I’m part of this family I guess I need to be here tonight, huh?” Lily asked.

  “Yes, you do. This is a chance for us all to be together. Your dad would be crushed if you were not here. I know he misses you.”

  A small, reluctant smile lifted up one corner of Lily’s mouth. “I miss him too.”

  There was that guilt again, pressing against her throat like two giant thumbs, choking the life right out of her. She swallowed past it and patted Lily’s cheek. “If it isn’t too late you can go to Amina’s after dinner, but only for a little while.”

  “I’ll just text her later,” she said. “What time will Daddy be here?”

  “He had to run to the office for a little while after Athens’s doctor appointment, but he’ll be here soon,” Willow said, returning to her dinner preparations. “By the way, your brother lost six pounds. The doctor is very encouraged by his progress.”

  “You know that little booger came bragging to me about it,” Lily said with a smile. She leaned an elbow against the kitchen counter, the bag of kettle corn seemingly forgotten. “I was thinking that I may buy him some skates with my first paycheck.”

  Willow whipped around, staring in astonishment.

  “What?” Lily asked.

  “That’s what you want to do with your first paycheck?” Willow asked.

  Lily had just started working her first part-time job, tidying up the new offices at Holmes Construction, the company owned by Harrison’s cousin, Alex. It was only two days a week, and basically a favor from Alex, but it was a great way for Lily to start learning about what it felt like to earn an honest day’s wage.

  “Yeah. So?” she said with a shrug. “Athens likes to watch rollerblading on YouTube. And it looks like good exercise. Maybe we can all get some skates and go out rollerblading together.”

  “I like the sound of that,” Willow said, trying her hardest not to burst at the seams with excitement. Her daughter actually wanted them to do something as a family.

  Lily smiled before taking off for her room, and for the first time in longer than she could remember, Willow felt a small glimmer of hope begin to coax its way around her chest. It had been so long since she’d felt anything like this, she wanted to bottle it up to preserve it for when she needed a little pick-me-up.

  She heard the front door open just moments before Athens’s rapidly growing feet bounded down the stairs.

  “Daddy’s here!” her son called out.

  That fissure of excitement cascaded down her spine again. It was such a weird feeling, but Willow welcomed it. When she and Harrison were first married, her heart used to skip a beat whenever he came home from work. She’d lost that. She missed feeling this way about her husband. She didn’t realize the feeling of anticipation hadn’t been there until it…wasn’t.

  Harrison came into the kitchen, still wearing the gray suit and blue tie he’d been wearing all day. She’d thought he would have changed into something more casual while still at his office.

  “Hey,” he greeted.

  “Hey,” Willow returned.

  Good Lord, but he was handsome. That smooth brown skin and those stunning dimples had taken her breath away from the moment she met him. He’d only grown more handsome with age, maturing into the quintessential family man slash professional slash all-around perfect catch.

  Yes, she’d caught the perfect catch.

  So why in the hell did she feel so unfulfilled? How could she possibly justify the discontent that had overwhelmed her this past year?

  There were scores of women who would give anything to be in her shoes. She’d noticed the way some of her fellow PTA members—both single and married—looked at Harrison when they attended meetings. She’d gotten together a few times with the mothers of Athens’s fellow scouts, and heard the stories of husbands who virtually ignored their wives, or openly carried on affairs with coworkers, and even one with their longtime nanny. It was a reminder of just how lucky she was to have a husband who respected her and their marriage.

  Yet, Willow couldn’t deny that she’d become disillusioned.

  Something was missing. Not necessarily in her marriage, but inside her. Somewhere along the way, her ambitions had fallen by the wayside.

  No, that wasn’t true. They hadn’t just fallen by the wayside, she’d made that choice all on her own. She’d willfully compromised her dreams for the sake of marriage and family. It wasn’t until earlier this year, when faced with a glaring example of what could have been, that Willow started to question some of the roads she’d chosen to travel, and those she’d allowed to remain untrodden.

  “It smells good in here,” Harrison said as he came around the kitchen island. He picked up the extra virgin olive oil and poured several ounces into the glass bottle on the shelf. He added red wine vinegar and French vinaigrette spice blend, and then shook the bottle.

  It was just as it had always been. She never had to ask him to help her in the kitchen. Even on those evenings when he wouldn’t get in until it was almost time for them to eat, he’d set down his briefcase, roll up his sleeves, and do whatever he figured was needed, without her having to ask.

  He was perfect.

  She had the perfect freaking husband! Why in the hell wasn’t that enough for her?

  Willow put the brakes on that thinking. Harrison was wonderful, but he was not perfect. Neither of them were.

  But perfection had never been a requirement for a fulfilling, healthy and happy marriage. What she had should have been enough for her. Getting to the heart of why she’d started to feel so dissatisfied with her life was something she owed her entire family, but most of all she owed it to the man standing next to her, a man who’d done everything he could to provide a happy life for his wife and children.

  At least this dinner was a step in the right direction.

  Or, maybe not.

  When they all sat at the table twenty minutes later, the awkwardness was palpable. It was as if they’d never sat down together for a meal. Before the kids got involved in every after-school activity under the sun, and Harrison joined Jonathan’s law practice and became busier than he’d ever been, Willow had made it a point to gather the family together every night for dinner. It’s something she’d learned from her mother-in-law, Diane Holmes, a woman she’d loved as much as she loved her own mother. In Diane’s words, a group of people became a family while at the dinner table.

  But this tension-filled air didn’t feel like her family at all. She felt a physical ache when she thought about how much of that was her fault.

  Lily had reverted back into sullen teenager mode, a sour frown on her face while she looked longingly at the phone she wasn’t allowed to use while at the table. Athens, on the other hand, had turned into a chatterbox, trying to fill the uncomfortable stretches of silence by gleefully filling Harrison in on every single second he’d missed, with Willow occasionally chiming in when her son’s recollection was a bit off the mark.

  Harrison tried to draw Lily into the conversation, asking her about school, the drill squad and the upkeep on the used car she’d gotten a few weeks ago. Her daughter’s monotone, single-word replies grated along Willow’s nerves. What happened to the sweet girl who’d just suggested they buy skates and all go skating together? Was she locked in a closet upstairs or something?

  After several painful exchanges, Harrison finally gave up and they finished out the meal in silence.

  “Okay,” Willow said, a few minutes later. “Let’s clear these dishes. It’s time for the two of you to get your things together for school tomorrow. We will not have a repeat of this morning,” she warned, looking pointedly at Athens.

  He had the decency to look ashamed.

  Both kids brought their plates into the kitchen, with Willow following them. Harrison came in behind her, balancing the platter that held the salmon on top of the salad bowl.

  “Well, that was painful,” he said once Lily and Athens left the kitchen.

  “I�
��m sorry,” Willow said.

  “What are you apologizing for? You didn’t tell Lily to treat me like I’m some kind of disease, did you?”

  “Of course not,” she said. “I just… I don’t know what to do about her. I keep reminding myself that she’s a teenager. Being a pain in the ass is a part of the job description. But does she have to be this damn good at the job?”

  A hint of a smile lifted one corner of his mouth. “At least we know she has a good work ethic.”

  Willow laughed. She couldn’t help herself. If there was one thing Harrison excelled at, it was making her laugh even when she didn’t want to.

  Their laughter faded as they stared at each other; a sense of foreboding sucked all the oxygen out of the room. Harrison closed the few feet that separated them. He dipped his head and looked her in the eyes.

  “Wills,” he said, his voice low. “We need to talk.”

  Dread tightened her throat. They’d needed to talk for some time now. It was time she stopped running away from it.

  Willow swallowed and nodded. “I know,” she said. She glanced up at the ceiling. “Why don’t you give me some time to make sure the kids are both squared away for the night.”

  He looked at the Baume & Mercier watch she’d bought him when he left his old firm and joined Jonathan’s. “Why don’t I come back in an hour. I’ll meet you out back?”

  She nodded. “That sounds good. I’ll see you in an hour.”

  He took a step forward and leaned in slightly, but stopped himself before he could give her the peck on the lips her body automatically readied itself for. It had come naturally to her—to both of them, apparently. Having them both pull back cast a glaring spotlight on how odd this all was. How could a simple kiss between husband and wife elicit this much anxiety and awkwardness?

  “I’ll…uh…I’ll see you in an hour,” Harrison said. He took a couple of steps before he pivoted. He walked back to where she stood, reached down and captured her hand in one of his. With a gentle squeeze, he said, “Thank you, Willow.”

  “For what?”

  “For this. For inviting me over for dinner. For taking this first step. We needed this tonight. I needed to be here with you and my kids.”

  Once again, she had difficulty swallowing. Finally, she answered, “Yes. We needed you here too.”

  A tormented spark of hope flashed across his handsome face. “I want to be here permanently. Maybe when I come back in an hour we can finally talk about what we need to do to make that happen.”

  She didn’t want to make any promises. She couldn’t. She sensed Harrison’s hurt when she failed to respond.

  But she still had too much to work through before she could make any promises. If they tried to just go back to the way things were, they would find themselves right back in the morass of pain and longing and confusion they’d been bogged down in for all these months. Instead of answering, Willow simply nodded as she followed him to the door.

  “One hour,” she said.

  His smile was sad, but sweet. “I’ll see you then.”

  As he walked up the driveway, Harrison allowed his eyes to roam over the front of his house. The soft glow from the solar lights illuminated the foliage growing along the cypress fence. Those damn weeds were back again, entwining with his wisteria. Maybe he could come over on Saturday to pull them. Could he do that? Or would that infringe on the still undiscussed terms of his and Willow’s so-called break? Maybe he should just hire someone to start taking care of the yard.

  Harrison immediately rejected that thought. He’d be damned if some random landscaper put his filthy hands on his begonias.

  He entered the front door and walked through the living room to the kitchen, and then out the French doors that led to the backyard. He stood at the edge of the brick patio and looked out over his pride and joy.

  He loved this yard. It had taken two years of working every available weekend he had off, along with dozens of trips to The Plant Gallery and Home Depot, to get it exactly the way he wanted. But he’d eventually achieved the quintessential backyard paradise. He looked over at his newest toy, the four burner natural gas grill with an attached rotisserie that he’d had installed just a few months ago in the outdoor kitchen. Stainless steel. Corrosion resistant. All around badass.

  The ache that had become a regular part of his existence settled even more deeply within Harrison’s chest. He’d envisioned grilling out here every weekend while Willow lounged in the hammock and Athens and Lily enjoyed the swimming pool. Instead, it all sat here untouched, like an abandoned amusement park longing for someone to put it to use.

  He heard movement behind him and turned to find Willow coming through the French doors.

  “I didn’t know you were back,” she said in a lowered voice, as if she was afraid she’d wake the kids, who definitely weren’t sleeping this early in the evening.

  “I only got here a few minutes ago,” he answered.

  They stood there for several awkward moments before Harrison gestured toward the pergola he’d built with his dad’s help. A wooden swing hung from the teak crossbeam overhead.

  Willow sat on one side, a few inches farther to the right than she would have this time last year. She wrapped her arms around her chest and rubbed up and down her forearms.

  “You cold?” Harrison asked as he sat closer to the center. He didn’t want to add to her discomfort, but he refused to be out here like a couple of teenagers afraid to get caught sitting too close.

  “Not really.” She looked over at him. “I’m nervous. How weird is that?”

  “Pretty weird, but understandable. I’m nervous too,” he admitted. He rubbed his hands back and forth over his thighs, wrinkling the crease in the khakis he’d changed into. “It feels as if we’re about the have one of the most important conversations of our lives.”

  She shook her head. “No. Don’t put that kind of pressure on me, Harrison.”

  “But it is important, Willow. We have to talk this out. We need to figure out why in the hell we’re not working.”

  “But we’re not going to figure it out in one conversation, so don’t think of this as a make or break thing.” She turned toward him, pulling one leg up on the swing and resting her chin against her knee. “Just talk to me right now. It doesn’t have to be about us. Just talk about life. How’d it go in front of Judge Rubin today?”

  “You don’t want to hear about Judge Rubin.”

  “I do.” Her nod was more enthusiastic than the situation warranted.

  Harrison knew exactly what she was doing. It was the same thing she’d done whenever he so much as hinted at them talking about the issues plaguing their marriage.

  The main one being that there were no concrete issues, and least none that he could point to. They’d just gradually found themselves in this place where they hardly spoke to each other about anything outside of their kids. And then, after his conference in Philadelphia earlier this year, that chasm suddenly grew into a canyon he hadn’t been able to bridge.

  No, he didn’t want to talk about work right now. But if that was what Willow needed in order to ease into the heavier conversation he was determined to have tonight, he would oblige.

  “I know you’ve been putting in a lot of hours on this case,” she continued. “Do you think the merger will happen anytime soon?”

  “Based on where we stand right now, I doubt it,” he answered, not correcting her on calling it a merger instead of an acquisition. After all these years of them discussing his work, she still got the two confused. Harrison gave her a brief summary of what happened today in Judge Rubin’s chambers. “We’re in the more advantageous position. My client has more than one company interested in their machinery designs, which gives them the upper hand.”

  “How does it feel going up against Phillip?” she asked. “Does it seem weird?”

  “Not a bit.” Harrison shook his head. He looked over at her. “But seeing him makes me even happier that I left the firm when
I did. I’d be miserable if I’d stayed there.”

  She’d encouraged him to make the move to Jonathan’s firm long before Harrison had finally gotten the nerve to do it. He’d been too afraid to lose the seniority he’d assumed he’d built at Bossier, Guidry & Associates. It had taken him too long to recognize that his old bosses didn’t appreciate what he brought to the table. He doubted they would have ever made him a partner.

  “It was the right move,” Harrison continued. “I work my ass off, but it’ll be worth it in the end.”

  “Of course it was the right move. The hours you put in actually mean something at Campbell & Holmes. Your name is on the door.”

  He deliberated for the barest moment before he reached over and took her hand in his, brought it to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to the backs of her fingers.

  “Thank you,” Harrison said. “You still know the right thing to say, exactly when I need to hear it.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said. Her warm, affectionate smile caused his heart to swell.

  He loved this woman so much it hurt.

  “What happened to us, Wills?” His whisper came out harsher than he’d intended, but Harrison couldn’t keep the emotion from his voice. It was the question that had plagued him more than any these last few months. “How did we get here? Why am I not living with you and the kids? Why am I not in that bed with you every night? That’s where I belong, Willow.”

  She slipped her hand from his hold and wrapped it around her updrawn leg. Several quiet moments passed with only the occasional chirp of a stray cricket interrupting the stillness.

  Finally, Willow spoke.

  “I’ve been thinking about that a lot over the past few weeks.” She tilted her head to the side, looking up at him from her slight crouch. “You know what I came to realize? We don’t fight.”

  Harrison shook his head. “No. We don’t.”

  “Do you know how odd that is for two people who have been together for as long as we have?” She lowered her leg and sat up straight. “I tried to remember the last fight we had, and it was back when Lily was in the seventh grade and played us against each other to go to that slumber party. Remember?”