Etching Our Way (Broken Tracks Series Book 1)

by Abigail Davies

  I follow him down the stairs, meeting Izzie at the door as she opens it. I click the button on my fob to open the car so that they can get in as I carry all of the beach bags and the cooler bag with the food in it.

  Once it’s all loaded in the trunk, I slide into the driver’s seat and check that they’re all strapped in, including the bear who is sitting in the middle with its own hat and sunglasses on.

  I smirk at Izzie’s concern for the bear before turning the ignition on and reversing out of the driveway.

  It’s not until we’re halfway to Harmony’s mom’s place that I realize that I’m about to spend the whole day with Harmony and the kids. Being at the adult art class and the restaurant was different; there were other people there as a buffer, but here at the beach, there’s only going to be us and the kids. I asked Amelia if she wanted to come, hoping that she’d say yes, but there’s still something not right with her. She was laid up in bed watching Netflix, hardly paying attention to me as she waved me off, telling me to have a good time without her.

  “Are we there yet?” Izzie asks as colorful houses loom in sight, bouncing in her seat.

  “Nearly,” I answer her, driving down the road and pulling up outside of a navy blue paneled house.

  Harmony is standing on the small porch with a bag at her feet as she waits for us, her eyes watching the car as it comes to a complete stop. My eyes scan her, taking her all in; the denim shorts that she’s wearing show off her legs and I can’t help but stare at them before moving to the green tank top that covers her torso. My eyes linger there for a second until my gaze lifts up to her face. She’s even more beautiful than she was all those years ago.

  “Is that Miss J’s house?” Izzie asks.

  I swallow as Harmony walks down the couple of steps, her own bag in her hand, entrancing me.

  “Yeah,” I answer, shaking my head. “This is her house.”

  “But... it’s so small. How can someone live there?”

  I pull my gaze away from Harmony and turn around in my seat. “Not everyone has a big house like us, pumpkin. Some people live in small houses, some people don’t even live in houses, instead they live in apartments.” I stop for a second, watching her eyes as they take in all of the information that I’m giving her. “And some people don’t live inside at all, they have to sleep outside.”

  “But… don’t they get cold?”

  I clear my throat as the door opens, fighting with myself to not look at Harmony as she slides in the passenger side.

  “I suspect they do, pumpkin.”

  She thinks on that for a couple of seconds, moving her eyes from mine to the window before nodding her head at herself. “We should help them.” My eyes widen at her. How can a nearly six-year-old little girl think such selfless thoughts? “Can we, Daddy?”

  “Of course we can.” I smile at her and lift my hand for a high-five.

  She smacks her small palm against mine before I spin back around, catching Harmony’s gaze.

  “Hey.” I smile, clearing my throat and shuffling in my seat. The confined space we’re in makes me all the more aware of her.

  “Hey.” She spins around in her seat facing the kids. “Hi, Izzie, hi, Clayton. Are you excited to build some sandcastles?”

  “I am!” Izzie squeals as I pull away from the curb. “I wanted to bring you a swimsuit to borrow.” I don’t even need to see her face to know that she’s pouting. “But they said that you already have one.”

  Harmony chuckles, the freeness of it lifting the tension I’m feeling for a split second. “I do, sweetie, but thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

  “I told you she would,” Clay comments, his head already stuck in The Horse and His Boy.

  I drive for another ten minutes, the car silent apart from Izzie’s humming before I blurt out, “I made a picnic.”

  Why did I just say that?

  My eyes widen and my mouth opens and closes, trying to say something else to explain why, but I come up empty.

  Harmony looks over at me and grins. “That’s nice, I hope you packed cake.”

  “Of course.” I scoff, taking a right turn. “Can’t forget the cake.” I lower my voice to a whisper as I raise my brows. “Izzie would kill me if I did.”

  “That makes two of us,” she replies, jokingly.

  I chuckle, my lips spreading into a huge grin as she shuffles forward, pressing the button on the radio and screwing her face up at the song that starts to play. She continues to press buttons until she finds a song that she likes and then leans back, smiling softly at me.

  Things feel easy with us right now; nothing like the tense atmosphere that has been wrapping around us since I found out that she was the kids’ art teacher. I still have that anger simmering inside, but it’s not toward her anymore; it’s toward the situation that we’re in and the hand that we were dealt.

  “We have to have good music on a road trip. Isn’t that right, Izzie?” She spins around in her seat again and sings a line of the chorus with Izzie.

  I shake my head at them but I can’t deny that it warms my heart to see them like this. Izzie only has Amelia and my mom to do things like this with, and even though they give her all the attention she needs, it’s still not the same as what a mom would do, no matter how hard they try.

  I slow down as I come to the exit for the beach, flicking on my turn signal and pulling the car to the right. Izzie squeals when she sees the sign for the beach with a picture of a sandcastle next to the name.

  “I’m so excited!” She shuffles in her seat, lifting up to look out of the window. “It’s the sea! Do you see that, Willow Bear?”

  I turn into the makeshift parking lot, putting the car in park and spinning around in my seat. “Who’s ready?”

  “Me!” Izzie and Harmony shout at the same time.

  I pick my Raybans up off the dash, putting them over my eyes and opening the door, popping the trunk and grabbing the bags as Harmony gets the kids out of the car and holds onto Izzie’s hand.

  I hear them chatting away as Clay meets me at the trunk, waiting for me to close it before walking over to the beach with me.

  “Izzie likes her,” he comments, tilting his head to the side before looking up at me.

  “And you?” I ask, wading through the sand and feeling it filling my shoes.

  He coughs. “Yeah, she’s nice.”

  My heart skips a beat at the sad look in his eyes but it soon disappears as Izzie calls over to him, asking him to go in the sea with her. He holds his book out for me to hold and I tilt my head, telling him to put it inside the bag that I’m carrying as I have no free hands.

  He runs down the beach, stripping off his t-shirt and I turn around before remembering that the kids need—

  “Wait! You need sun—” No sooner have I said it do I turn around to where Harmony is standing, a bottle of sunscreen in her hand as she plasters Clay with it before he gets any further.

  “Miss J already did it, Daddy.” Izzie sticks her tongue out before placing Willow Bear next to Harmony.

  I nod in reply and set the bags down in the spot that Harmony has claimed.

  “This spot taken?” I ask, pulling my own t-shirt off.

  Her gaze flits over my chest before coming to meet my eyes. “Sure looks that way now.”

  I shrug before taking all of the towels out and setting one down on the sand before sitting down next to her, a giant grin on my face. “Yep.” I turn my gaze to Clay and Izzie where they run down to the sparkling blue ocean before saying, “Don’t go too deep into the water.” I pause. “And stay where I can see you!”

  “Okay!” Clay shouts as he turns back around to face me before Izzie cheers and continues running toward the water, Clay on her tail.

  Harmony chuckles lightly as we watch Clay lift Izzie up, her squealing in delight. “He’s so good with her, not all siblings have the bond that they do.”

  “They don’t.” I lean back on my elbows before crossing my ankles. “Clay seem
s to be less… stressed lately,” I comment. “He hasn’t come into my room in the middle of the night scared for a few nights now.”

  I close my eyes as I realize what I said to her. Why did I say that? She doesn’t want to know about Clay and the fact that he gets into bed with me most nights, scared to death of the dark and the nightmares that haunt him when he closes his eyes.

  I turn to face her, seeing the sadness shining in her eyes at the mention of Clay. “Does he normally get into bed with you?” She worries her bottom lip. “Izzie mentioned that he’s scared of the dark.”

  I run my hands down my face. “He is… and I don’t mean your average scared, he’s petrified. For the first couple of years after…” I trail off, leaving the sentence hanging in the air before I shake my head and clear my throat. “He sleeps with me most nights, he’s too scared to be in a room by himself. My mom keeps saying that I need to get him counseling but… I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of being judged by some shrink.”

  “I guess the firefly jars aren’t helping the way I thought they would,” she mumbles to herself, biting her lip before turning toward me. “It’s not my place to say at all, but… I think he would benefit from seeing someone. No one is going to judge you for loving your kids and wanting to do what’s best for them.”

  “I don’t know,” I reply before looking down at the water and seeing Clay and Izzie splashing each other. “I don’t want someone thinking that I don’t look after my kids, but it’s hard. People see a single father and start to think things.”

  “Anyone with two eyes can see how much you care for them.” She frowns, looking away before turning back and catching my gaze. “So... it’s only the three of you?”

  I sit up, my back straightening as nerves run through me. I knew this was going to come up at some stage, but I didn’t think it’d be right here, right now. “I…” I turn my face away and back toward her, my brows dropping low into a v on my forehead. “Yeah.” I clear my throat and shuffle uncomfortably. “Their mom, she…” I can’t say it; the words don’t want to physically come out of my mouth as a lump forms in my throat. “She… died.” I say the last word as a whisper, the wind carrying it over to her.

  Just thinking about what happened to Natalia that day obliterates me, but the fact that Harmony still doesn’t know who their mother is feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart over and over again. I know that I have to tell her, but it doesn’t stop me not wanting to cause her more pain than I already have. We’ve both had enough pain to last a lifetime; I can still see the hurt I caused her all those years ago when I look into her beautiful honey eyes. I have no doubt that she can see the pain reflected in mine too; however much I try to hide it, I’ve never been good at shielding myself from her and now isn’t any different.

  “Tristan, I…” I can see the emotion start to fill her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

  I look down at the sand, scooping up a handful and watching it dissipate between my fingers as I splay them open. “Why do people always say that?” My voice comes out harsher than I meant it to and I immediately snap my head in her direction. “I didn’t mean…”

  “No, it’s okay, you don’t have to explain.”

  I move my hand from out of the sand, dusting it off on my shorts before running it through my hair and feeling the leftover grains rubbing against my scalp. “It’s just… I don’t know how to say this.” I swallow, taking a deep breath as I gather myself. I can’t believe I’m about to tell her. “You knew their mom.”

  She pulls away slightly, sitting up straighter as she frowns. “I… What?”

  My muscles are so tense, I don’t know how she’s going to take this. After I left her that summer, she had no idea what I left her for—who I left her for. “Their mom is Natalia,” I blurt out before holding my breath, waiting for her reaction and expecting her to shout or scream, or at least storm off.

  I wait a couple of seconds before I turn my gaze back toward her, watching as her breath hitches and a tear escapes her eye and travels down her cheek. “Natalia? She… she’s gone?”

  “Yeah,” I croak out and close my eyes, trying to fight back the memories from that day—so much blood—before I center myself and open them back up, staring into Harmony’s eyes. “She died after she gave birth to Izzie.”

  Her hand covers her mouth as the tears track down her cheeks like rain battering against the window in a storm, her sadness and grief obvious. “So, Izzie never met her?”

  I shake my head, my stomach bottoming out as I look down at the crystal blue sea where Izzie and Clay are playing at the edge of the water. “I sometimes wonder who has it worse—Clay for meeting her and missing her, or Izzie for never having met her.”

  I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by telling her something that has always bugged me, but I say it anyway.

  She’s silent for so long that at first I think she hasn’t heard me, so I turn my gaze from Clay and Izzie to her, watching her reaction as she faces the water, watching my kids in the same way that I was, all the while mourning her friend.

  “You two were... You were married?” she asks suddenly in a voice that has a slight edge to it.

  I clutch my hands together, squeezing so tightly that they turn white from the force as I look down at where they sit between my legs. “We were,” I answer, not wanting to keep anything else from her. “There was a lot of things going on back then, Harm. Things you didn’t know about—”

  “Don’t.” She turns to face me, wiping at her cheeks. “Don’t try to make excuses for it, own your decision.” Another tear rolls down her cheek.

  “I… I’m not...” I desperately want to say more to her, to tell her everything, but now isn’t the right time—I don’t know when will be.

  She swipes at her face, dispersing the tears from her cheeks. “I’m mad as hell right now, so don’t bother.” She pauses before saying, “I am sorry for what you all went through though. It can’t have been easy having all of this on your shoulders and bringing the kids up on your own at the same time.”

  I lift my head and stare at her, watching as her eyes flash with understanding but also sadness and anger. “It wasn’t… it still isn’t,” I reply, my voice low.

  She could be sitting here, telling me that she doesn’t want to hear about any of this and storming off, but she doesn’t. Instead she’s sitting here listening to me as I tell her all about the woman who took her place; the one who gave me the two most precious things in this entire world.

  I watch her, enthralled as she tips her head back, looking up at the sun and closing her eyes.

  I lean forward, entranced by her, not able to rip my gaze away from her because I’m captivated by all that she is and all of the goodness that runs through her; something that I’ve always been drawn to.

  A single tear tracks down the contour of her cheekbone, but she doesn’t bother to wipe it away, sitting there in silence as she wanders off somewhere in her mind.

  I don’t disturb her, I let her have this moment.

  My heart hurts; Natalia will never get to meet her baby girl, she’ll never get to sit here like I am, talking to her husband.

  Her husband.

  I should be feeling resentful toward her for marrying Tristan after my life was turned upside down, but I’m not, not even a little bit.

  I’m angry at him though for trying to justify it to me. I’m curious what he was going to say, but at the same time, I don’t think that I’m ready to hear it.

  I take a few moments to mourn for my friend who lost her life, and for the kids who will grow up without a mom. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

  “Miss J!” Izzie shouts, making me open my eyes and wipe at the tear that’s settled itself on the end of my chin. She comes barreling toward us and stops between Tristan and me. “Come swim with me!”

  My eyes flick toward Tristan, seeing his broken expression and then back to Izzie. I paste a smile on my face before standing up and grabbing the bo
ttom of my tank top, lifting it up and over my head.

  My head swivels toward Tristan as I hear him suck in a breath and I raise a brow at him, causing him to look toward the water as I undo the button on my jean shorts and shimmy out of them.

  “Ready?” Izzie shouts and I take her offered hand.

  As she drags me toward the water, I turn back toward Tristan, inhaling deeply as I see his eyes are trained firmly on mine and Izzie’s joined hands. I turn away and walk toward the lapping water, feeling the coolness of it touch my toes, all the while my heart breaking for this little family.

  No kid should have to grow up without a parent, and no one should have to go through the pain of losing their spouse before they’re both wrinkled and ready to leave this world.

  “Clayton? Want to come in the water with us?” I call to him, finally getting my emotions under control. He looks up and shakes his head at me before turning back around and piling more sand into the bucket in front of him.

  My eyes catch Tristan’s as he leans back in the sand, his gray eyes focused on both Izzie and me.

  Izzie squeals, making my head snap back to her. “It’s cold!”

  “It’ll only be cold until we get in and start moving about.” She clings onto my leg and I chuckle before picking her up and wading farther into the sea until I’m knee-deep. “I’ll lower you down into it and as soon as you feel the water on your toes, sit down.”

  Her blue eyes search mine—the same blue eyes I used to look into when I looked at Natalia—before she nods her head. “Okay, but you have to do it too.”

  “I will,” I squeak out, my throat clogged up with emotion. I cough to clear it. “Ready? One, two, three.” I don’t wait for her to protest as I sit us both down in the salty water, squealing and laughing together as we splash around.

  We jump up as each wave comes toward us and she flaps her arms about, trying to capture Tristan’s attention back on the beach. “Daddy, look at me! I’m a dolphin!”

  Tristan laughs, his eyes crinkling at the corners, showing that the youthful look they once held has been weathered by the years that have passed.