No Tomorrow

by Carian Cole

  Despite my mother’s mounting disapproval, I’ve stayed with Evan overnight several times this week—only going home to shower, change, and take care of Archie. Blue’s been in a great mood, and I feel as though we’re in a good place together. We’re moving forward slowly but surely. He didn’t take me up on my invitation to accompany me to look at apartments, so I left it alone to avoid pushing him into a bad mood again. My hope is once I move into my own place, I can slowly coax him into shorts visits, which will hopefully lead to him agreeing to move in. Surely he’d much rather live in a nice apartment with me than in the shed.

  Today, after much inner debate, I took the leap and put down a deposit on the apartment I like most. It’s half a duplex, which is like two small houses stuck together. I like that better than an apartment building because it feels more like a home to me. It’s perfect, with two bedrooms, lots of windows, a small galley kitchen, large living room, and bathroom. As a bonus, it’s pet friendly and has a small fenced-in yard. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t envision Acorn running around that yard, chasing a ball someday.

  To celebrate, I meet Ditra for dinner, and we talk about guys and work and decorating ideas for my new place. Ditra loves to paint and she knows how to do faux painting for accent walls, so I’m excited to really make the place my own. We make plans to meet up next week for our dinner ritual and shopping. I’m glad we’re back on track and she’s forgiven me for becoming a temporary hermit while I got my head together. I’m thankful she’s not the type of friend to hold a grudge.

  After dinner with Ditra, I drive across town to see Blue, and I tell him excitedly about the apartment as we sit on the bed together. I take Ditra’s advice to not push him to help me move, or to come over or to stay the night or move in. She thinks he has a fear of commitment and needs things to go at his own pace and be “his” idea. I agree.

  “You look happy,” he says when I finally stop babbling on about my new closet space and the quiet street I’ll live on.

  “I am. I’ve wanted my own place for such a long time.”

  “You deserve it. I loved my first place. It was kind of a shit hole, but it was cool.”

  “Was that in Jersey?”

  “Yeah. I lived with my buddy, Reece. He’s probably still there.”

  This is the first he’s ever mentioned any of his friends and I make a mental note to remember his name in case he brings him up again. “What did you like most about it? Having your own place…”

  Head cocked to the side, he thinks about his answer. “I guess being able to just chill and be me. Living in a space that’s a reflection of me instead of trying to be comfortable in someone else’s space.”

  “I know what you mean. My parents have lived in our house since they got married. You want to hear what drives me crazy?”

  He grins. “Tell me.”

  “They have this big dining room filled with all kinds of fancy stuff, and they never use it. It sits empty. I think we’ve eaten in there twice since I was born. And I hate it. It’s such a waste. If that was my house, I’d eat every meal in there, on the expensive plates, and stare out the window at the flowers and bushes they pay a landscaper to take care of. Even if I was just eating freakin’ ice cream, I’d sit there. I wouldn’t be waiting for a special day.”

  Laughing, he leans closer and kisses the top of my head. “You’re adorable. I’d make every day special for you if I could.”

  “You do,” I reply softly. “I wish you could see that.”

  “Me, too, Piper. Me, too.” He stands and takes my hands, pulling me up off the bed to stand in front of him. “You mind if I lay down? I’m getting a bad headache.”

  “Of course not. Do you want me to get you anything?”

  “No, babe, I’m okay. I just want to lay down in the dark.”

  “Do you want me to stay? I can rub your head.”

  “Nah. I’ll be okay. Why don’t you meet me at the park tomorrow? I heard it’s not going to be too cold.”

  “Okay.” I squeeze his hands. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah. Tomorrow will be better. I want you to go home and eat ice cream in the dining room after your parents go to bed.”

  I laugh. “I just might do that.”

  Cupping his face in my hands, I pull him down so I can kiss his lips. “I hope you feel better. I’ll bring coffee and bagels in the morning.”

  “Don’t do that. We’ll go together.”

  “Okay.” I pull on my coat and bend down to give Acorn a kiss on his head. “You be a good boy and we’ll get you a doughnut.” He thumps his tail on the edge of his bed and licks my cheek.

  As I pull the door shut behind me, Blue is already lying on the bed with his arm over his forehead, and I have to force myself to leave him alone and not run back to try to help him feel better. I get it, though. Sometimes it’s easier to rest alone.

  Chapter Thirteen

  For the fifth time, I push up the sleeve of my jacket so I can check my watch. I glance around the park, expecting to see Blue and Acorn walking toward me.

  But I don’t see them anywhere. And it’s now an hour past our usual Saturday morning meeting time at the picnic table near the bridge. Our place.

  A weight of worry sinks into my stomach and explodes like a bomb, striking up shards of panic. What if something happened to them? Maybe he got arrested for living in the shed and Acorn has been taken to a pet shelter. Maybe he got run over by a car while he was walking here. Maybe he’s still not feeling well, and he’s all alone, sick, and in pain.

  All the maybes and what-ifs come at me like bullets from a machine gun, each one pelting my heart until I can’t take anymore. Closing my book, I stand to leave and embark on my own search party, and that’s when I see them walking toward me in the distance. Every molecule in my body relaxes with instant relief, and it’s so overpowering that I almost need to sit down again to recover.

  Acorn has a tennis ball in his mouth, and he bounds to me when he recognizes me, as if he can’t wait to show me his new treasure. Laughing, I take the fluorescent green ball from him.

  “Where did you get this?” I ask the dog playfully. “You’re very excited about it!” I toss it a few feet away, and he runs to retrieve it and immediately brings it back to me. We do it three times.

  “He’ll do that all day,” Blue warns after kissing me hello.

  “I love seeing him so happy with things.”

  “I do, too. I get the feeling he didn’t have toys when he was a pup. Sorry I’m late. I stopped to talk to a girl. She’s the one who gave him the ball.”

  “Oh. What girl?” I say the words before I realize how nosy and jealous they sound.

  He shakes his hair out of his face, and the blue feather earring swings across his cheek.

  “Just a girl I talk to sometimes. I usually see her when I play over near the antique store, but I ran into her on the way into the park.”

  “And she had a tennis ball with her?”

  He laughs. “She brought her dog here, and she had a whole pack of tennis balls. She asked me if I wanted to hang out with her and let the dogs play together.”

  “Oh.” I wonder if I’m not the only girl he has a relationship with. There could be a whole tribe of women who also noticed the hot, talented, magnetic homeless musician and his cute dog. Perhaps, like me, they threw caution to the wind to befriend him.

  And more.

  “Babe…” He leans down to meet my eyes. “Are you jealous?”

  I glance over at Acorn playing with his ball. “No….”

  He grins cockily at me. “You are.”

  “I am not,” I say defensively.

  “You’re the only one I’m involved with. I didn’t hang out with her. I came here to be with you. I don’t hook up with other women.”

  “I hope not.”

  “The ladybugs would get mad at me if I even thought about another chick. You think I want them to swarm on me and eat me?” He pulls me into his arms and
kisses me as I laugh.

  “That would be a horrible way to die,” I tease.

  “Fuck yeah.”

  As we leave the park to drive to the bagel place, a woman with her black lab waves at Blue. She’s not at all how I envisioned her. The woman in my mind was a sexy, young girl with dark hair, perfect makeup, tight jeans, and an unbuttoned coat revealing alluring cleavage. In reality, the woman is in her upper thirties and attractive in a very natural, no-makeup-needed way. Her hair is up in a messy ponytail. She’s wearing gray sweatpants, sneakers, and a big, puffy white jacket. A wedding band is clearly visible on her waving hand. When she smiles and waves hesitantly at me, I feel like an idiot for being jealous, insecure, and hallucinatory.

  “Do you feel better today?” I ask in the car on the way to the café. When he doesn’t answer me, I glance away from the road to look him over. His hair is messier than usual, as if he forgot to brush it or run his fingers through it this morning. And when he walked up to me earlier in the park, I thought he had dark circles under his eyes.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Last night you said you felt sick. I think you had a migraine?”

  He lights up a cigarette and lowers the car window a few inches, saying nothing further.

  “Blue? Were you lying to me about not feeling well?”

  “Why the hell would I lie to you?”

  “I don’t know,” I reply, as a feeling of unease creeps over me. “You’re acting kinda weird. Like either you don’t remember it or you lied about it.”

  “I’m acting weird? First, you think I’m fucking other women with tennis balls. Now you’re accusing me of lying to you.”

  “I’m not accusing you. I also suggested maybe you don’t remember.”

  “Why wouldn’t I remember last night?”

  I pull into a parking spot outside the café and put the car in park with a frustrated and equally nervous sigh.

  “Why are you getting so defensive?”

  “I’m not. I just don’t get where this convo is going.”

  Me either.

  “Did something happen last night? Were you sick? Did you go somewhere? Was something wrong?” I reach for his hand and entwine our fingers. “Just talk to me.”

  “I am talking to you. What the fuck is this interrogation for? I thought we were getting breakfast.”

  “We are. I’m just confused.”

  “About what?”

  I blink at him, trying to sort my thoughts. He somehow turned us in a circle, and now I’m completely confused to the point where I feel like I’ve done something wrong.

  “Let’s just forget it.” I force a smile. “I’m starving, and I’m sure you are, too. Let’s just get our bagels and coffee.”

  Instead, he turns in the seat to face me. “Do you trust me, Piper?”

  “Yes. As much as I can. I’ll admit it’s a little difficult sometimes because I don’t know where you are all day, or at night for that matter. We can’t call each other. You won’t meet my family. You don’t want to move in with me. You won’t commit to any sort of long-term relationship. You keep us in limbo. Always vague. So I guess it depends on what kind of trust. Do I think you’d purposely hurt me? No, I don’t.”

  “I mean it when I say I love you. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

  “I know that. And I believe it.”

  A small finch eating crumbs off the parking lot asphalt has caught his attention. Barely blinking, he watches the tiny bird with keen interest, and I wonder if it reminds him of his time with his aunt and her birds. Or maybe for him, it’s just a welcome distraction from this conversation.

  “I get lost in my own head sometimes. The music, the words, sometimes they take over. Sometimes I can’t sleep for days, and I don’t eat. Then I get fucked up ‘cause I’m exhausted and hungry. I get headaches and I feel moody as shit, and it all fuckin’ dominos until I find a way to reset.” He tightens his fingers into mine. “I do better alone so I don’t drag people down with me. But now I’m kinda crazy about you, so I’m trying to make it work. I would’ve left as soon as it got cold out if I didn’t love being with you so much.”

  Finally, he’s opening up, but the vagueness is still there like a thin blanket thrown over us. “I know you’re trying. We’re in this together, whether you’re in a good mood or a bad mood. I don’t need or want or expect perfect. I just want you.”

  The bird has flown away, and his gaze shifts down to our hands. He nods slowly and then talks in a very low, almost whispered tone. “I guess I really don’t remember having a headache.”

  This is one of those moments in life when I can dig deep for answers and force him to face his problems or I can sweep it under the rug, kiss it better, and hope it never creeps out again.

  I choose to kiss it better.

  “Sometimes I can’t remember what I did yesterday, either. Let’s go get something to eat. I promised our fuzzy boy a doughnut, and he’s been very patient.”

  The smile on his face washes away all my earlier doubts and unease, and I silently vow to stop analyzing him. Lots of people forget things and go through moods, myself included.

  We spend the day driving around listening to music and talk about an article Blue once read about paint colors that are supposed to evoke certain moods. I jot down the colors in a pocket notebook I keep in my purse so I can try to find them when Ditra and I buy paint for my new apartment, because the first thing I’m doing is painting over all the stark-white walls.

  By the end of the day, I have swept away and forgotten the confusion and the elephant in the room.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The past two weeks have been some of the best of my life. I’m floating on a cloud, wearing a perpetual smile. Nothing can break through my wall of happy.

  I’ve been in my apartment for three days, and it’s seriously an indescribable feeling. My very own place. Ditra and I hung scattered wooden shelves on one wall of my living room and then filled them with books that have been stored in my closet for years. We surrounded the books with cool bookends and heavy candles we found at the flea market. I painted the entire apartment in earth tones, mixed in cool blues and grays, and added a few random bright red throw pillows to add a splash of color. As silly as it sounds, when I come home from work at night I just wander around the small apartment, squealing over how cute it is. How mine it is. Even Archie seems happier, because he finally has lots of windows to sit in and gaze out of. What really won him over is the new carpeted cat tree I put in front of the window in the living room. Now he can stare at the birds and squirrels in the backyard all day long. In between naps, of course.

  Tonight I’m silently squealing in my new apartment for an entirely new reason.

  Blue is here. In my apartment. I almost fainted with shock and excitement earlier today at the park when he asked if he could meet me here tonight. I was sure he’d bail at the last minute, but he’s here right now with Acorn—and penguin—in tow, slowly walking around, reading the spines of my books and studying the photographs on my wall. He looks so ethereal here in my space, I feel like an angel came down from heaven to grace me with his presence. And Acorn seems to be having the same effect on Archie, who hasn’t hissed or run away once.

  I’m filled with butterflies, and I’m hoping this could be the start of something really good. I guess Ditra was right, after all. Blue just needed to do this on his own terms.

  “So this is you.” His deep voice is like thunder rumbling in the distance. Warning, yet seductive.

  “This is me. Do you like it?”

  Nodding, he crosses the room to sit with me on the couch. “I do. It’s cozy. Safe.”

  “I picked the colors you told me about.”

  “I noticed. The red is sexy.” His hand rests on my upper thigh, his fingers lightly squeezing. “Do you have a little red dress? Or a black one?”

  My mind reels from the sudden shift in the conversation. “Yes, one of each, actually.” There was a time last year when
Ditra was buying me ‘hook up’ clothes and dragging me to clubs in an attempt to pick up guys. She picked up many, I picked up none, and three of those dresses are currently in the back of my new closet.

  “High heels?” he asks.

  “I have a pair of four-inch heels I can barely walk in. Ditra picked them out and I wore them once and ended up taking them off and going barefoot all night bec—”

  He interrupts my babbling, and moves his hand farther up my thigh until his fingers are brushing against my lips through my slacks. “Go put it on. The red dress and the shoes.”

  “Okay... are we playing dress up?” I ask playfully.

  His lips curve into a sexy, devilish grin. “I’ll wait here.”

  I stand and smile suspiciously at him, my interest piqued. “Do you want something to drink or eat before I disappear for a few minutes?”

  “Nope. Just you.”

  My blood warms in my veins. “Okay. Just help yourself if you want anything.”

  I disappear down the hallway to my bedroom to search for the shockingly short and sexy, low-cut red dress. I slip it on with nothing but a black silk thong underneath, and the material clings to my curves like a second skin. I breathe a sigh of relief when I find the four-inch stilettos in the back of my closet. Not sure why I didn’t toss these when I moved, but now I’m glad I didn’t. I finish the look off with red lipstick, a smudge of black eyeliner, mascara, and fluff up my hair with my hands as I walk back to join Blue. I’m doing my best to walk as sexily as I can in these ridiculous stilt-like shoes, but I almost skid and face plant when I turn into the living room.

  The lights are off, and all the candles in the room are lit. I never actually light candles because I’m afraid Archie will catch his big fluffy tail on fire, but the room looks like a scene out of a movie with the flickering of flames and shadows. He stands when I enter the room, and he takes my hands in his and spreads our arms out.

  “Oof,” he groans, dragging his gaze up and down my body. “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful, Ladybug. I wish I could take your picture. I don’t trust my fucked-up brain to remember you like this forever.”