No Tomorrow

by Carian Cole

  “Well, that’s a step forward, right? How’s it going so far?”

  He laughs. “You tell me. You’re the first thing on my list.”

  “I’d like to be flattered but that’s not really a compliment,” I tease. “Being on the top of your ‘things I fucked up’ list.”

  “It’s a long list.”

  “I’m not surprised.”

  “All kidding aside, I fucked up with you the most. And I hate that, Piper, I really do. I keep wondering what would have happened if I’d stayed.”

  A pang hits me in the chest. “Blue... let’s not talk about that. You’re trying. And I’m trying to let you try. So let’s not dwell on the bad stuff.”

  “Deal.”

  I pull the comforter up to my chest and get comfy against my pillows. “But… I do want you to tell me where you went that day you left. Did you go back home? To Jersey?”

  “No. Don’t take this wrong, but I wanted to get as far away as possible. Not from you, but just... away. I can’t explain it. So I headed for the west coast. I had some friends back there, and it was warmer and I thought it’d be cool to play guitar by the water, ya know?” The sound of liquid pouring is in the background. “That’s iced tea, by the way,” he says, as if he’s reading my mind. “So I was making my way across the country and I ran into Reece at a bus terminal. I hadn’t seen him in a few years.”

  “You knew him when you were younger, right?”

  “We went to high school together. And we shared an apartment for a while. He was a kickass guitarist back then and we wanted to start a band but his bitch of a girlfriend at the time wouldn’t let him do shit. That’s when I said fuck it and I took off. When I ran into him at the terminal he was playing in a fucking wedding band and I was like dude, you’re too good for this shit, let’s start a band and rip this town up.”

  “That’s how No Tomorrow started?”

  “Yeah. The other guys had just come out of some sucky-ass band. We had a rocky start but somehow we got lucky and ended up here.”

  “That’s pretty crazy. But wow, look at you guys now.”

  “Yeah, look at me, fucking the band all up with my shit,” he says sarcastically.

  “How’s all that going?” I’m almost afraid to ask. The press has been hard on him. Every detail captured, every one of his drunken tirades, fights with band members, and other seedy gossip plastered all over the tabloids and internet.

  He blows out a breath. “It’s good and bad. None of us are saints, we’ve all had our moments. Mine of course have been way more frequent and disastrous. There’s some bad blood still flowing. We’re taking a break for a few weeks then we’re gonna hit the studio and work on some new material.”

  “Every band goes through rough times, not just yours. And I’m not going to lie, you pissed off a ton of fans. I’m sure the rest of the band wasn’t happy about any of that. I saw the videos and read the articles. It was pretty bad, Blue. But... you’re trying to make it better, that’s what’s important now. You sound happy. It’s been a long time since you sounded so...normal.”

  “Normal? Me? Never gonna happen, babe. But talking to you is the closest to happy I get.”

  My defenses melt like butter. “It makes me happy, too.”

  “I really fucking miss you. I know you’re so sick of my shit. And I know you probably wish I’d just leave you the fuck alone. I try to, but it never works.”

  “No,” I say, cringing at how fast I said it. “That’s not what I want. I’ve never wanted that.”

  He takes a deep breath. “You want to tell me what you do want?”

  My ovaries scream his name. “No, I don’t.”

  “It’s me, isn’t it,” he teases in his wicked, sexy voice.

  I laugh, even though I don’t want to. “Ego much?”

  “No, it’s not ego. Just wishful thinking.”

  A moany sound of frustration comes out of me. It’s totally not fair that he does this to me.

  “Fuck, baby if you keep making noises like that I’m gonna lose my mind over here.”

  “You’re so bad, you know that?”

  “I know. I also know it’s what draws you to me.”

  I twirl my hair around my finger nervously—a childhood habit that Lyric has picked up as well. “Really? Is that what it is?”

  “It’s part of it.”

  “So what draws you to me, then?”

  He exhales, and his voice is raspy with smoke when he answers. “Your innocence. How unconditionally caring and loyal you are. And your hot little body.”

  “My innocence didn’t last too long once you came along.”

  “It’s still there. A little tarnished, maybe.”

  “By you.”

  He hums on the other end of the line. “Only by me?”

  I know what he’s asking, and I’m tempted to lie and let him believe I’ve been with other men. In a way, I want to knock him out of that place in my body he claimed and still owns. I know he likes it and it turns him on—to be the Highlander of my vagina, the only one. But I hate to play games and manipulate people’s emotions, so I tell him the truth.

  “Yes, only by you. Happy now?”

  “Very.”

  “And you?” I really don’t want to know, but it’s human nature to ask questions. Even the ones I truly don’t want the answer to.

  “I might’ve fucked a hole in the ground while I was walking around in the desert. I was pretty wasted and having all kinds of messed-up hallucinations.”

  I laugh at him. “You’re an ass.”

  “It’s true. But other than that, I’ve been having a great time fucking myself.”

  “Can you be serious? I was honest with you, Blue. You can just tell me the truth.” Yes, I’m practically begging the man I love to tell me how many women he’s been with since the last time we were together.

  “I swear to God I’m telling the truth. You want brutal honesty? I jerk off on one of the pictures you sent me and I come all over your face.”

  I’m totally horrified but also strangely turned on. “Oh my God! Isn’t that messy?”

  “Not really. I put it in one of those clear plastic sleeves. I bought a case of them so I just throw it out and put your picture in a new one every day.”

  “You are so twisted. I can’t even tell if you’re kidding.”

  He laughs with me, and it’s so good to hear him happy and joking, even if he’s being an ass. I can’t remember the last time he acted sexy and flirty with me, but I’ve missed this side of him.

  “Ya know what, Piper? If you’re the one that’s got a hold on me? Then that’s it. I can go without sex if I have to. Maybe that makes me weird, I dunno. The way I look at it, I’ve always been too much of a fucked-up mess to give you any kind of normalcy, but I can give you my heart and I can give you my body. We’ve had a shit ton of ups and downs, but I’ve always believed that we’re not over. So no, there’s no one else.”

  Hugging my comforter tighter to me, I lean my head into the phone and quietly sob. Life and love can be so cruel and beautiful and utterly confusing. This isn’t the love I dreamed of as a little girl. This isn’t the whirlwind romance I swooned over in books. There’s no sparkly ring, no wedding bells, no husband holding our baby in the delivery room. But what we have is a real love. It’s dark, and ugly; raw and passionate. It brings pain and it brings happiness and everything in between. This love—our love—is a love that never dies. It withers in the dark and comes back to life again under bright moments even stronger than it was before.

  I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “For someone as fucked up as you are, sometimes you’re really kinda perfect, too.”

  “I guess I have my rare moments...”

  “You do.”

  “You’re the only one that’s ever looked past the dirt to see the flowers, Ladybug. That’s why I can’t let you go.”

  How does he somehow manage to say the right things?

  “I really wish I could hug
you right now,” I whisper.

  He’s quiet on the other end, and I worry I’ve said too much and wrecked his good mood. But then he answers. “Maybe we can work on arranging that. I can’t promise I’ll let you go, though.”

  God, I’m in trouble. He’s bulldozing his way right back into my heart again.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I feel like someone injected a rainbow up my butt. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so happy, so hopeful, and so excited for each new day to start. I’ve started going to the park again, because now I can think about Blue, and I can visit our memories without falling apart. I can smile at the ghosts of our past that still linger under the old bridge, and not run away from them.

  Four weeks of talking on the phone for hours every night coupled with pages of heartfelt emails has changed us. We’ve rebuilt our friendship, and are creeping toward more. I won’t jinx it by putting a label on what we are.

  We video chat on the weekends, and he plays guitar and sings for me—all shirtless and sexy and swoony and I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. One night after Lyric went to bed I put Acorn in front of the web cam so Blue could see him, and he started to cry. When Acorn heard his voice, he ran around in excited circles with his penguin in his mouth.

  We’ve talked about spending a weekend together, and we’re figuring out what would be better—me flying to him, or him coming to see me. The best part, the most shocking part, is his new willingness to meet Lyric if things go well between us after a few months. If—and only if—he remains clean. The plan to meet Lyric was entirely his idea, which is huge. Huge!

  I’m going to be very cautious with Lyric, though. Meeting her father will be confusing for her, and life changing. It’s a big commitment on Blue’s part that will require a lot of patience and I’m not sure he’s ready for all of that yet. In the meantime, I’ve slowly made Lyric aware that I’ve been talking to a ‘friend’ every night, to ease her into the idea of me having a man in my life other than Josh.

  Tonight I make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and we eat together—Josh, Lyric, and I, which we try to do a few nights a week. Growing up, my parents always insisted we eat dinner together as a family every night. Now that I’m older I can look back and see how important that was—to have that stability with loved ones every day. I want to give Lyric the same.

  After dinner Josh leaves for a date, Lyric works on a Lego castle she’s been building for the last week, and I do forty-five minutes of aerobics in front of the television. Before heading upstairs to shower, I check my email and see I have one from Blue.

  Piper,

  I feel like shit tonight. It’s just a headache but I’m gonna hit the sack early.

  I hope you had a good day, beautiful.

  I’ll call you tomorrow night.

  Love,

  Blue

  I reply:

  Blue,

  I’m so sorry, I hope you feel better! Call me if you can’t sleep, I don’t mind if you wake me.

  I miss you bunches and love you always.

  Kisses,

  me

  “I missed you last night. Do you feel better today?”

  “My head is still fuckin’ rocking. I missed you, too, babe.”

  “I wish you didn’t still get these headaches.”

  “Me too. They’re gettin’ old. Tomorrow I’m going to look into flights, if you’re still okay with coming here? You can meet the guys, see where I live. We’ll go out to eat, look at the local sheds. All that happy stuff.”

  I laugh at his shed joke. “I’m totally fine with that. Except the shed part.”

  I’m looking forward to seeing Blue’s condo and be in his world. I’ve often wondered what kind of decor he’s into, what color bedspread he has, if he has any photos on the wall. They’re such simple details, but will mean so much to actually see.

  “And I’ll let you decide if you want to stay at a hotel or stay here with me. Or I can stay at the hotel with you. Whatever’ll make you happy, I’m down with. I’m paying for it, so don’t even try to argue about it.”

  “If you insist. Let me think about the hotel thing. Once we figure out dates, I’ll let HR know. I’m sure my mom will love having Lyric for a weekend, and Josh won’t mind taking care of the pets for me. He’s home most of the time.”

  I hear the click of his piercing against his teeth. “Who’s Josh?”

  “My roommate? I’ve mentioned him a hundred times.”

  “You never said it was a guy.”

  My brain cells spin around like the Windows hourglass. I’m positive I told him about Josh quite a few times over the years. “Um, I kept saying Josh. That’s a guy’s name.”

  “You never told me that.” His voice is flat, almost cold now, and completely different from a few moments ago.

  “I’m sorry, I just thought you knew.”

  “So where does Josh sleep?”

  “In his room. Blue, there’s nothing going on if that’s what you’re thinking. We’ve been friends since high school. And he’s gay. Well, bi. Whatever. But we’re strictly friends. We’ve been living here with him in his house since Lyric was three years old. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him, to be honest.”

  “It’s his house?”

  “Yes. It’s huge. We all have our own bedrooms and bathrooms and there’s a big fenced-in yard and a swing set. It’s perfect for Lyric and Acorn.”

  “So you guys are all living together like a family in his big house?”

  His voice rises with each set of questions, and I can picture him running his hand through his hair and pacing around the room. I’m clueless as to why he’s suddenly getting angry about my living arrangement. I know I’ve mentioned it to him many times and I can’t understand how he could have forgotten.

  “Well, yeah, I guess if you want to put it like that, then yes. Josh has been great helping me take care of Lyric over the years. He takes her to school sometimes, he spends a lot of time playing with her. She thinks of him as an uncle. He’s a good guy, and she’s crazy about him.”

  There’s a long silence on the other end, and I wait patiently, hoping that’s the end of this conversation and we can go back to planning our weekend together. Unfortunately, the silence continues, reaching into awkward proportions, until I have to put an end to it.

  “Is something wrong? You sound like you’re getting mad and I don’t understand why.”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure how I feel about all this. With this guy.”

  “There’s nothing to feel. He’s just a friend who offered me an amazing place to live. My apartment was way too small for myself, a toddler, a cat, and a dog. I was having a hard time finding something bigger that was also in a nice neighborhood, close to my family, and close to my office. I was doing my best. I wasn’t expecting to have a dog and a baby, remember?”

  I probably shouldn’t have added that last part, but he’s starting to upset me with his mild insinuation that I’m doing something wrong.

  “Oh. So some other fucking guy just gets to have my chick, my kid, and my dog? And I’m not supposed to be pissed about that?”

  “Nobody has your anything, Blue. You left, remember? I was alone and doing the best I could to give Lyric and your dog a nice home. Excuse me for not getting your permission, but I had no damn idea who or where you even were!”

  I’ve never seen him act like this—tossing out accusations and walking the line of jealousy over another man being in mine, Lyric’s, and Acorn’s life. Has it taken all these years for him to regret his decisions?

  “Why haven’t you moved out? You must make enough money now to get your own nicer place. Especially with the money I send you every month.”

  “Because this is our home. I have no reason to leave. And please don’t throw money in my face. You don’t send it every month for one thing, and when you do, I put all of it into an account for Lyric for when she’s older.”

  The telltale spark of the l
ighter is heard, then an angry inhale. “I don’t like you living with some fucking guy who I don’t even know. And how do I know what else you’re keeping from me or what else is going on?”

  “Don’t you dare!” I seethe, fed up with all of this craziness. “I’m not keeping anything from you, and there shouldn’t be any issue over Josh at all. If it weren’t for him, I never would’ve seen you that night in Boston. He’s the one who got me the tickets.”

  He scoffs. “You want me to thank him, Piper? Pay him back for the tickets? I’m sure you regret that whole night, anyway.”

  My blood starts to boil and now I’m the one pacing my bedroom, from the door to the window and back again.

  “What is wrong with you tonight?” I ask. “Why are you acting like this? Josh is a friend and that’s it. And no, I don’t regret that night, even though it turned into a total disaster.”

  He says nothing. I want to cry and throw something across the room.

  “I’m gonna go,” he mumbles.

  My stomach drops. “You’re just going to leave things like this?” I ask tearfully.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I need to go do things.”

  “What?” My voice catches in my throat and it takes me a few seconds to recover. “What things?”

  “I just need this to stop. I have to go for a jog. There’s a lake I like to jog to and I want to go before it rains. I should do about ten miles.”

  I pull the phone away and stare at it, then put it back to my ear. “What are you talking about? It’s late.” He’s three hours behind me, making it ten p.m. there, which is late to go for a ten-mile jog around a lake.

  Isn’t it?

  “It doesn’t matter what time it is, Piper. I just want to jog.”

  I let out a massive sigh of mental exhaustion and close my eyes for a full five seconds. His erratic mood swing is confusing me, and I don’t want to fight with him, especially when things have been so perfect. I need this to stop, too. I’m not going to go for a jog, but I’m definitely going to go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.