No Tomorrow

by Carian Cole

  “Fuck me, baby. Take all of it.”

  I move my hands down to his hips and ride his cock from below, thrusting up to take him deep, then sliding myself down to the tip. He’s completely still, eyes closed, his tongue at the edge of his parted lips, his hair hanging down over my breasts. He’s breathtaking, so lost in us. The sight of him drives me wild, makes me even wetter with desire for him.

  Sitting back on his heels, he pulls me up to straddle his lap and holds me up in his arms, rocking me back and forth on him. I hang onto his shoulders and kiss him hungrily. I love our size and strength difference; the way he can lift and move me with his arms like I’m a doll turns me on like mad.

  He thrusts deep inside me and catches my whimper with his lips. Slowing, he gently grinds my body into his. My clit rubs against him in just the right place, my body clenches around him, and we explode together, our bodies slippery with sweat, our mouths never parting.

  “That was definitely better than pancakes,” I say breathlessly.

  After a long shower together, we have breakfast on the back patio while hummingbirds flit around his flower garden. He excuses himself to take a call from his manager, and I go up to the guest room to pack my things. I’m leaving with more than I came with, because Blue took me out to dinner twice to fancy restaurants and insisted on taking me shopping beforehand for sexy dresses. One black, and one red—just like the one I wore that night years ago. He’s also sending me home with some of his band apparel—a hoodie, a T-shirt, black thong panties, and my very favorite item—a T-shirt he wore yesterday that still smells like him. Weird? Yes. But comforting to have with me at home when I’m aching for him.

  I’ve missed Lyric like crazy this week and I can’t wait to see her, but I’m dreading leaving Blue. I feel like my heart is being torn in two, not being able to be with both of them. His schedule is going to be packed for the next few months, so we’re going to have to rely on phone calls, emails, and the occasional weekend together until he settles down.

  Rock star dating life, Reece said yesterday. The true test of patience and trust.

  I’m the Queen of Patience. Perhaps the Jester of Trust. But I’m trying.

  “You packed?” Blue’s in the doorway, eyeing my suitcase on the bed.

  “Yeah.”

  “But your flight isn’t until tonight.”

  “I know, I just wanted to get it done.”

  He takes a deep breath. Clicks his piercing.

  “I wanted more time.”

  “I do, too.” I smile, but inside I’m crying. I’m already missing the groove of comfort we slipped into together. Breakfasts, walks, long talks in bed that stretched into the early morning. Romantic dinners, rocking out in his car. The mind-blowing sex. Him playing the guitar just for me.

  He’s my very own everything.

  He crosses the room, leans his head against the window frame, and stares outside.

  “We’ll see each other soon. And Lyric, too,” I say to his back.

  “I know.”

  I go to him and put my hand on his arm. I touch my lips to his shoulder and let them linger against the warmth of his skin.

  “Blue? You okay?”

  He nods and turns to face me.

  “Yeah. I just feel…off.”

  “Off?”

  “The things that used to scare me? Now they’re all I want. All I can think about. And I feel like I get a taste, and then it’s gone.”

  A twitch of anxiety stirs in my chest. “Do you mean me? Us?”

  “Yes. I love the band but it pulls me in so many different directions.” He taps his head with his finger. “My mind spins all fucking around with everything.”

  I nod and push back the anxiety building in me. “First, I’m not gone. I’m here, with you, even when we’re apart. And second, I know it’s a lot of pressure but I think you just have to try to tackle one thing at a time.” I feel helpless attempting to give advice. I know nothing about what goes on in his band and on tour and all the behind-the-scenes things that he must deal with.

  “I guess I want to be in two places at once and I can’t. And everyone else wants me to be in twenty places at once. I like you sleeping with me every night. I like the steadiness of the day with you. I feel content. At peace, like my aunt said the feather would bring. You’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel that way and I’m afraid without you I’m going to get jumbled up.”

  Jumbled up.

  I want to be the parachute—the thing that will gently glide him safely through life. I could quit my job, homeschool Lyric, and travel with Blue to all the places the band takes him. It would be a different life for us but it might be exciting. Lyric and I could see the world. I could be there for him, night and day, to give him the peace he needs. I could keep him unjumbled and straight.

  I swallow hard, ingesting the craziness that tried to fly out of my mouth and become a very unrealistic reality.

  I can’t uproot my daughter and my life right now. Someday... I would love to. When I know that Blue can promise us the same security and commitment we can give him.

  I want nothing more than to support him and be his rock when he needs me. I always will be. But it has to be equal, or at least close to it. I need him to get there on his own.

  “We can talk every day,” I promise. “And video chat. Everything we have still remains even if we’re not physically together, right? Hasn’t it always?”

  “Yes. Always.”

  “Then we’ll be okay.” I reach for his hand and I’m met with his—clammy and shaking.

  His eyes are dark and intense, the smile I’ve gotten used to seeing this week is gone. “I don’t want to lose you, Piper. I want to do everything right and I don’t know how. I’m afraid I’m gonna screw everything up. Like I always do.”

  “You won’t. You’ve been perfect. I’ve never been happier. You don’t have to worry about anything.” I squeeze his hand tighter.

  “Do you think it’ll last? With me being all over the place?”

  I want it to. More than anything. But if we last depends on him.

  I can’t say that to him, though.

  And I’m not sure if by all over the place he means as in traveling, or as in his mind.

  “I hope so. That’s all I want.”

  He looks uneasy. Worried. Lost in the forest of his thoughts again.

  “I may have sorta fucked up,” he finally says. He stares at the floor, avoiding me.

  Please no. Not again.

  My heart plummets then gallops rapidly like a horse trying to climb out of quicksand. I struggle to breathe calmly.

  “Wh-what do you mean?”

  He rubs his palm across his forehead. “Yesterday… I did something that maybe I shouldn’t have done.”

  Shit.

  “Did you go buy drugs? I had a bad feeling when you left. It was so abrupt, and you didn’t tell me where you were going, you didn’t invite me to come.” I shake my head. “I just don’t understand.”

  His face contorts with disbelief. “What? No.” He pulls away and takes a few steps away from me. “Fuck, Piper. Is that what you thought?” he asks when he spins back around.

  “I’m sorry, Blue, but yeah, it kinda crossed my mind. And now you’re acting all weird.”

  “I didn’t go buy drugs. I’m totally clean. And I’m not acting weird, I’m fucking nervous.”

  “What are you nervous about?”

  He shoves his hand into his front pocket and comes out with a tiny royal blue velvet box. “This.”

  I stare at it in his hand as my heartbeats accelerate to warp speed.

  “I don’t know how to do this. I know I’m supposed to plan a big mind-blowing fucking moment. And I wanted to, babe. I really did. But the place I really wanted to do it is too far away. So now I just feel like I fucked this up and it’s going to be another disappointment from me that you’re gonna have to live with.”

  Oh my God. Is he asking me to….

  He sna
ps open the box. “A long time ago I promised to give you all the tomorrows I could. I know I’m not supposed to make any life decisions, but fuck that shit, I’m making this one because nothing is going to change it. I know we can’t get married until I’m cool and prove I won’t slip up. But until then I want you to have this, so you know I’m dead serious. So you know you’re the one, you’re it, you’re my home.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry if I fucked this all up and it’s not mind-blowing.”

  It is mind-blowing.

  It’s raw and unplanned and painfully honest and just so him.

  I stare at the big sparkly stone surrounded by little tiny sparkly stones in a band of white gold.

  It’s beautiful. Every woman’s dream ring.

  And it comes with the promise of him—my dream man— and all the tomorrows.

  With him.

  I catapult myself into him. I throw my arms around him and climb him like a tree, wrapping my legs around him and smothering him with kisses.

  “I love you so much,” I whisper between kisses. “And my mind is totally blown.”

  He cradles the back of my head in his hand and kisses me, smiling against my lips.

  The sexiest, most awesome, special smile in the world.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Lyric and I are enjoying a lazy, rainy Sunday morning together on the couch. I’m immersed in a new book with Archie on my lap, and she’s clicking away on her laptop. Blue flew in late last night to stay with us for a few days before he has to meet up with the band for their next show. He looked utterly exhausted when we picked him up the airport, and he was sucking down Red Bull like water in an attempt to keep himself awake to talk to Lyric and me.

  By the time we got home from the airport he was suffering from one of his horrible headaches. He crashed on the bed, but tossed and turned from all the adrenaline and caffeine in his system, so I gave him one of the Valiums I have for the occasional neck spasms I get. That seemed to calm him, and he finally fell asleep. I snuggled up to him all night while he slept, stroking his face and his hair, whispering how much I love him. As he slept, a tiny worry nagged at me about the medicine. I tried to remember what Reece and I had talked about and I wondered if I did the wrong thing by giving him anything at all. Wouldn’t Blue know to tell me he couldn’t take it, like he did in the past, if he thought he shouldn’t? I slowly rubbed his tense back and shoulders, praying that no ill comes of my well-intentioned action. He’s sleeping soundly and that’s what he needs. I don’t even care if he sleeps the entire time he’s visiting as long as he gets to rest and feels loved.

  “I want to show you something,” Lyric says, opening her laptop lid. “Look at him.” She turns the laptop sideways to show me an adoption page from a nearby pet rescue. The page is filled with photos of an adorable little brown and white fuzzy dog with one floppy ear and one straight ear, and big sad eyes. “Look at his little face, Mom. He looks like Acorn only younger and kinda sad. His profile said he was thrown out of a car. How could someone do that?” Her voice cracks and her bottom lip quivers with emotion. “He must feel so unwanted. He’s too lonely now. Someone has to love him.”

  She is so much her father sometimes that it’s scary.

  I put down my e-reader and look closer at the photos. I read the detailed bio about the adorable dog that I know will probably be frolicking in our backyard this time tomorrow.

  I think I want the lonely little dog just as much as my daughter does. Maybe even more.

  “Can we go see him today, Mom? See if he’s the one?”

  “We’ll ask Blue when he wakes up, okay? This is a decision we should make as a family.”

  Her face lights up. “He’ll love him. I know he will.” She closes her laptop. “I’m going to go play my harp for him while he’s sleeping. He likes that.”

  My heart swells with love for her as she goes off to play soft relaxing melodies on her harp for her father. She and Blue have developed a strong emotional bond, and she has taken on an almost protective role when it comes to him. He’s amazingly patient and nurturing with her, always making her feel special and supported no matter what. Not once has he wavered in his commitment to her—or to me—since we became a family.

  It’s as if having love in his life has turned Blue inside out, and the man I always believed was inside him, is now on the outside.

  “Thanks, baby,” he says when I join him on my small back porch with a cup of tea for each of us. He’s doing something he doesn’t get to do much of anymore—watching the misty rain fall.

  “You look much better today.” I gently push his damp hair from his face. Twelve hours of sleep and a hot shower has done wonders for him.

  “I always feel better when I’m home with you guys. I’m just pissed I lost a night with you by sleeping so much.”

  “We didn’t lose anything. I got to have my way with you all night while you slept,” I tease.

  “Figures,” he grins and sips his tea. “I miss all the good stuff.”

  I wrap my hands around my warm mug. “Has Lyric talked to you yet?”

  He nods slowly, a smile spreading across his face. “Yup. Hope it’s okay I told her we’d all go over there in about an hour?”

  I smile. “Of course. I think a dog would be good for all of us. She’s been waiting a long time, but since it looks like we’ll be staying here for a while since you guys added more dates to your tour, then I think we should just go for it. There’s really no reason to wait.”

  “I promise after all this tour shit we’ll get a bigger house together so all our stuff is one place. So we’re all not going back and forth from here to Seattle all the time. I hate it.”

  “We don’t mind at all. As long as we’re together, that’s all I care about.”

  A muscle in his jaw twitches. “I’ve given you guys nothing. First Josh gave you a home, then you got one on your own. Aren’t I supposed to take care of you? Lyric’s not a little kid anymore, she must see what a fucking loser I am when it comes to taking care of my own family.”

  I have no idea where this sudden negativity is coming from.

  “Blue, she adores you. Her mind doesn’t think that way. She worships you. How many daughters can sit and talk to their fathers for hours about music and art and poetry? How many write songs together? Who sings her to sleep when she doesn’t feel good, even if you’re thousands of miles away in a different time zone? That’s all you.”

  He stares into his tea but doesn’t say a word.

  “She also gets to see how you treat me. How you open doors for me, and leave me love notes. How you cook for us. She sees how you always make time for us, no matter how busy and crazy you are with the band. She sees how you treat me with love and respect. She sees how you’re always so friendly to your fans and you never blow them off. That’s taking care of your family, Blue, and trust me, our daughter sees that. She knows her father isn’t just some rock star. She knows you’re an amazing person.”

  A tear glistens in the corner of his eye and even though it’s just a tiny drop I feel as if we could both drown in it.

  “That’s all I ever want her to see, Piper.” His voice is strained, as if it hurts him to speak the words. “I don’t ever want her to see the other side of me.”

  Going to the pet shelter is a harrowing experience that I wasn’t expecting. All these dogs in rows of pens, barking, yelping, jumping. They stare at us with their pleading eyes as we walk up and down the rows. Lyric’s smile deteriorates with every step and she’s clinging to Blue’s hand with both of hers.

  “Here he is,” the volunteer announces, stopping in front of one of the cages. The dog is huddled in the corner in a ball, trying to make himself disappear. “He’s been here for six months. He’s very quiet, never barks. Doesn’t play. He goes days without eating sometimes. He was a bit of a mess when he got here, he had a broken leg and was scraped up pretty bad, but he’s all healed now. We have some really adorable, playful puppies if you’re looking for
a nice pet for your daughter. I have to be honest, this dog is depressed and probably won’t make a good pet.” She narrows her eyes at Blue and her forehead creases. “Do you know you look like that guy from that band?”

  “Unlock the pen,” Blue says, his eyes riveted to the dog. “Now, please.”

  The girl obliges, and Blue immediately enters the pen and slowly approaches the dog, who’s watching him with wide, terrified eyes. Blue kneels down, whispering softly to him, and gently strokes his head. The dog stills under Blue’s petting, as if he’s holding his breath.

  “He’s so scared,” Lyric whispers beside me, and I wonder if maybe this is a bad idea. Bringing a dog home is supposed to be a happy experience, not a total downer.

  While still petting the dog, Blue reaches into his pocket and pulls out a few small pieces of food and offers them to the dog one by one, first coaxing the dog to stand, and then slowly leading the dog right into his lap.

  Sliced roast beef.

  He must have taken it from the refrigerator before we left the house.

  I laugh a little and shake my head as Blue picks the dog up and cradles him against his chest, then carries him out of the cage for us to gently pet. He’s adorable, but does indeed have the saddest eyes of any animal I’ve ever seen. His tail is wagging ever so slightly, though, as Lyric kisses its forehead.

  “We’re gonna take this one,” Blue tells the worker.

  A half hour, and four pages of paperwork later, we’re driving home with a sad-eyed little dog who has a rather shocked look on his furry face now.

  “You’re never going to get hurt again,” Blue is whispering in the back seat next to Lyric, who’s holding the dog in her lap. “And you’re never going to be scared or lonely or hungry again. I promise.”

  “We have to pick a name for him,” Lyric says.

  “No, you have to wait. He’ll tell you his name.”

  “How?”