No Tomorrow

by Carian Cole

  I only know all this because the doctor is telling us.

  They found muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and painkillers in his system. Reece confirmed they also found those same pills in Blue’s room—some of them in prescription bottles prescribed to Evan Von Bleu.

  I’ve never seen Blue put a pill in his mouth and now I’m wondering if he hid them from me, or just never took them when we were together.

  The doctor is also telling Reece and me that when Blue was awake, which wasn’t for long, he was laughing one minute and crying the next.

  Hearing that both devastates and petrifies me. What’s happening to him?

  “Can we see him?” I ask the doctor. I need to see him with my own eyes, touch my lips to his, hear his breathing. I need to see for myself that he’s alive.

  “No. It’s still too soon.”

  Too soon? Is he crazy? It’s been too long.

  I step forward. “I’m his fiancée. Please let me see him. I’m sure he wants to see me... he’s hurt, and probably scared… I can make him feel better, comfort him….”

  The doctor shakes his head. “I apologize, but we cannot allow visitors until he has a psych eval. I understand your position, Miss Karel, and I know this is hard.” He glances at Reece. “And I also understand we’re dealing with a patient who is going to have a lot of people asking about him and wanting to see him, possibly attempting to sneak into his room and get information. We’ve moved him to a private room. Our priority is to do what’s best for Mr. Von Bleu and get him well, physically and mentally. That being said, I think you all need to prepare yourself for a very long recovery. Not just for his physical injuries, but for his mental and emotional recovery as well.”

  Mental recovery? Blue is exhausted, and had a bout of depression compounded by stress. He needs to rest and get away from the crazy stress of the band and the fans. It’s too much for him. Hell, it would probably be too much for anyone. He’s not mental.

  This doctor has to understand that I need to do something for the man I love. “Can I bring him some things and let the nurse give it to him then? Like his favorite dinner and breakfast? And his guitar? He always sleeps with his favorite guitar in his room.”

  “We can talk about diet tomorrow, but it will most likely be a few days before he’ll have any interest in food. He can’t have any objects in the room that he could use to harm himself. His room has been cleared and he has a round-the-clock guard in there to watch him.”

  A guard?

  “I don’t understand why I can’t watch him, then. I’m more than happy to sit with him. I’ll just read or watch television. He’s not going to like a stranger in his room.”

  The doctor won’t budge. “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow you to do that. Once he does accept visitors, it will be with his approval only. You’ll also have to remove any objects and clothing that could be used to harm himself or someone else. The nurse will go over all that with you.”

  “For God’s sake, he’s not a criminal.” I look from the doctor to Reece. I don’t understand any of this.

  “We understand that, Miss Karel. I can assure you, this is all for his own safety. I suggest you folks go home and get some rest, and we’ll see how he’s doing tomorrow. I promise he’s in good hands.” He hands me a plastic bag he’s been holding. “These are his belongings.”

  Reece walks me back to the main lobby. “You should go to your hotel, have some dinner, call your daughter. It’s late and we’re all exhausted. We can meet back here tomorrow morning. Maybe we can convince one of the doctors to let us see him. We’re going to have to release a statement, too, since obviously the rest of our dates are cancelled now. I’ll talk to Vic about it.”

  I don’t want to leave. I want to park my ass right outside the door of Blue’s room and be as close to him as I possibly can. I know as soon as he wakes up he’s going to want me close to him and I don’t want him to feel alone for a second. I don’t even know if he knows I’m here.

  “Reece, please make sure nothing bad is written about him. Nobody needs to know what happened, right? Can you just tell everyone it was an accident?”

  Blue would never want the entire world to know that he attempted to take his own life. Especially after he’s worked so hard to fix his reputation. And I don’t ever want Lyric to read about this or hear about it. It would completely devastate her.

  “We’ll do what we can but it’s really hard to keep things like this a secret, Piper. Blue is easily recognizable and I’m sure at least fifty hospital staff have seen him already. We can’t make those people be quiet. They can run their mouths all they want.”

  “That’s insane. Isn’t it illegal and unethical for them to talk about patients? And to give out their names?”

  “Fuck yeah it is, but it will be impossible for the hospital to figure out who leaked the info. All the news has to say is ‘a source suggested’ or ‘possible suicide attempt.’ Our lawyers can’t stop rumors and that’s all they need for a good story. There’s no such thing as true privacy once you’re anything close to famous.”

  “That’s awful.” I’m disgusted. “I don’t understand why I can’t see him. I’m not going to bother him, I just want to be there for him, so he’s not alone.”

  “I know, but it’s protocol. He attempted suicide. He heard voices, took a handful of pills, and jumped off a roof. They’re not going to just let him waltz around and let people wander in and out of his room. Any one of us could be a trigger for him. He might try to do it again. They have to protect him. Even if it’s from us.”

  I blink at him as everything slowly starts to truly sink in. Up until now, I think I’ve been in shock, operating on a sort of autopilot, just trying to get through it all without losing my mind and falling apart.

  But Reece’s words just whipped me out of the daze and into the scary, harsh reality.

  Blue tried to kill himself.

  He’s been battling feelings inside that were so terrible, so scary, and so overwhelming that he wanted to end his own life to escape them—and I never even knew. I saw tiny glimpses of his struggles, but nothing like this. He said he heard voices. A chill creeps up my spine when I think about what that could mean. And how long has this all been going on? He never talked to me about it. He didn’t give me, or anyone else, a chance to help him. He didn’t even say goodbye.

  He was going to leave me.

  Again.

  Forever.

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  The fucking bird lied.

  I can’t fly.

  I didn’t soar to the sky and find freedom and peace.

  And where is he now, with his endless taunting and promises?

  I haven’t heard a peep out of him since I took a nosedive off the roof.

  Freedom my ass, douchebird. You fucked me up even worse.

  Look what you’ve done to me.

  Look what you’ve done to us.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  I can’t stand being in a hospital. Just the smell of it makes me feel queasy. And the germs that could be lurking in the air, and on any surface. The germaphobe in me is on high alert. I’ve washed my hands so many times my skin is dry and raw.

  Worry and bursts of crying wouldn’t let me rest or sleep and thankfully Ditra stayed on the phone with me almost all night long listening to my tearful tirade. I couldn’t stop replaying my entire history with Blue in my head. I analyzed every memory, every word spoken, every action and reaction. I’m sure I must have missed some big clue that should’ve set a bell off in my head that something was wrong, but I didn’t.

  What I missed were hundreds of tiny clues. Some were cleverly hidden, and some were plain as day now that I’m looking for them, but not at all obvious at the time. The man I love with all my heart and soul was struggling in ways I can’t even comprehend and I had absolutely no idea it was even going on.

  A lump of sadness and regret sits in my throat that I can’t swallow away. I let Blue down, I was
blind and deaf to his pain, and I almost lost him.

  How could I not know? What the hell was wrong with me?

  Now I can’t help but wonder—was he ever really happy, or was it all some kind of mirage he created?

  “You never truly know a person,” Ditra said last night. Maybe she’s right.

  Over the years Blue and I have spent hours upon hours talking. We’ve touched each other in every way imaginable, been as close as two people can possibly be. I’ve tasted him, swallowed him, slept with him, woken with him. I’ve laughed with him and cried with him.

  So how did this side of him slip through the cracks? Was I always too distracted with our relationship to notice? Did he purposely distract me so I wouldn’t see?

  Reece and I meet up at the hospital at nine a.m., and the nurse can only tell us Blue is in stable condition because the doctor isn’t available to speak to us. We wait in the waiting room until noon, when Reece convinces me to walk down to the hospital café to grab something to eat. He admits to me over lunch that he also was up all night asking himself the same questions and beating himself up.

  As we’re walking back to our designated waiting room, Reece stops short and stares at a woman standing in the main lobby of the hospital, who’s leaning over the reception desk.

  “Ho-ly shit,” he mutters under his breath. “I can’t believe she came.”

  I squint at the woman with the long, jet black hair who looks vaguely familiar to me. She appears to be in her early fifties, beautiful and very well dressed, with an air of class and control about her.

  “I want to see him right now.” I can hear her berating the nurse. “You get the doctor immediately. Do you know who I am? Who he is?”

  “Who is that?” I ask Reece, glancing up at him. I know I’ve seen her before, but I cannot for the life of me place her face.

  “It’s Ellie Von Bleu, the opera singer.”

  I shake my head in confusion, not knowing who that is but of course I know that last name.

  “Blue’s sister,” Reece adds, as if I should already know this.

  My God. Suddenly it hits me. She’s the woman from the park I saw years ago. The one who Blue said he stopped to chat with. She gave Acorn a tennis ball.

  The room spins and I lean against Reece for balance. I had no idea Blue had a sister. He never mentioned her—other than that day in the park when he described her as just a girl he talked to sometimes.

  “He’s never mentioned her,” I say. “How does she even know he’s here?”

  “I called her last night. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure she would actually come.”

  I stare at him with mounting anger.

  “You could’ve told me. Do I have to be kept in the dark about everything? I’m his fiancée and I have no idea what’s going on. Now relatives are coming out of the woodwork and I feel like an idiot.”

  He blows out a breath of frustration. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to add more confusion to the mix if I didn’t have to. I told you, I didn’t think she’d show up. They haven’t seen each other in years.”

  “You still should have told me. What is she going to think of me? I’m engaged to her brother and I wasn’t even the one who called her because I didn’t even know she existed!”

  Taking my arm, he leads me across the lobby toward Ellie, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say to her. This is the most horrible way to meet a future sister-in-law. She’s going to think I’m a total flake.

  “Piper, trust me, she’s not going to think bad of you.”

  She appears frustrated with the woman behind the reception desk, and turns in our direction as we near.

  “Reece,” she exclaims with relief in her voice. “There you are. Do you have any news? I can’t get anywhere with these people.”

  They embrace, and she kisses one of his cheeks, then the other.

  “We’re waiting for the doctor. We just went to get something to eat.”

  I stand next to Reece awkwardly, feeling lost and small. Ellie is tall and gorgeous, and she has Blue’s eyes, which are looking me up and down.

  “You must be Piper,” she states. A flash of fear zaps through me. What if she blames me? I’m Blue’s fiancée—the one who should be making him happy. What if she thinks I’ve done something to Blue to make him miserable? People who are happily in love and planning a wedding don’t try to commit suicide. What if everyone is secretly blaming me? What if they’re right?

  I swallow and nod, and she surprises me by pulling me into a hug and kissing my cheeks.

  “How are you holding up? You look absolutely panicked.” She holds my hands in hers and searches my face with kindness on her own. “I wasn’t expecting you to be so young.”

  “I’m not,” I reply. “I’m just really short.”

  She throws her head back and laughs. “You’re adorable. I can see why Blue is drawn to you. Forgive my manners, I’m exhausted and stressed and I’ve been on a stuffy plane forever and this is all just so unexpected.” She looks up at Reece. “Although I guess it’s really not, is it? I mean, we all know Blue…”

  Do we? Do any of us know Blue?

  We go to the waiting room together to wait for the doctor. Koler and Vic, who were there earlier are now gone, so we have the room to ourselves.

  “He’s stable?” Ellie asks, removing her dark brown leather coat. “Do we at least know that much?”

  Reece nods. “Yes. He’s got a bunch of broken bones and he’s beat up, but they told us he’s in stable condition.”

  “Physically, at least?” she adds, raising her perfect eyebrows.

  “Yeah.”

  She sits across from me at a small round table near the window, and I feel a bit cornered because I just want to be alone and sort through my thoughts. I’m still trying to pinpoint a moment of when Blue may have acted suicidal.

  “I remember you,” she says. “I saw you with Blue and his dog in the park. I was so hoping he would introduce us, but he just walked away…”

  “I remember you, too. He told me you were just a girl he spoke to sometimes.”

  She shakes her head and purses her lips. “Of course he did. And I’m sure at the time, that’s what he believed.”

  “Are you saying he had amnesia?”

  “No, I’m saying that at times he wasn’t exactly in touch with reality.”

  I wonder what’s worse—not remembering things, or not knowing if your memories are real.

  “So that day in the park, did he know you were his sister? Or not? I’m sorry, but this is all very confusing. He told me had a brother, but he never mentioned a sister.”

  “We don’t have a brother,” Ellie says simply.

  I know for sure Blue mentioned an older brother.

  I level my eyes on her. “He told me he had an older brother who got him started smoking weed when he was young.”

  “That’s not true.”

  I stare at her and Reece, who don’t seem fazed at all that Blue was talking about a brother he doesn’t even have. “Why would he lie about that?” I ask.

  “To him it’s not a lie. It’s like a child who has an imaginary friend. They believe the friend is real, until eventually, they realize they’re not real. Blue has always battled with what’s real and what’s in his head.”

  My head and heart start to pound in unison. Could there have been times when he didn’t think I was real?

  “I honestly don’t understand any of this,” I say. “He acts a little strange sometimes, but I’ve never seen him talk to people that weren’t there or hallucinate or do anything crazy. He has a very successful career, and he’s a great father.”

  A sympathetic smile crosses Ellie’s face. “I think he learned to hide it well, Piper. That’s why he drank and did drugs, to try to stop all the craziness in his head. And it masked his confusion. He walked to keep his mind busy.”

  I lean back in my chair and cross my arms over my chest. “No. I don’t believe any of this. I k
now he had a substance abuse problem, but Blue isn’t crazy.”

  “Oh I wouldn’t say he’s crazy, but I think him jumping off that roof and landing himself in this hospital was probably the best thing to happen to him.”

  My jaw drops in shock and anger. “Are you serious right now? He almost died!”

  “I know, and he’s very lucky he didn’t. But now he’ll get the help he needs, and a real diagnosis. Something he’s been running from his entire life.”

  I’m beginning to not trust or like this woman. Why is she even here? I can’t tell if she cares about Blue or not.

  She nods her elegant chin toward the engagement ring on my left hand.

  “That’s quite the ring,” she says.

  I pull my hand back, afraid she’ll somehow take the ring’s meaning away from me.

  “Thank you. He surprised me with it. We were planning on getting married as soon as things settled down after he left the band. We have a little girl together. They adore each other.”

  “I know. Reece keeps me filled in. You’re the only woman Blue has ever let in his life. He must love and trust you very much.”

  “Yes,” I say, with tears threatening to start. “He does. And I love him. I’ve loved him for years.”

  Her blue eyes soften with understanding. Or pity? I can’t tell. “I can see you do, and I don’t have any doubt that he loves you. I’m not trying to upset you, Piper, but you need to know what you’re dealing with, and I don’t think you have any idea. Tell me, has Blue ever mentioned his childhood to you. Say, before he was a teenager?”

  Has he? Think, think, think...

  I answer her with reluctance. “No. He hasn’t.”

  “I didn’t think so. I was sixteen years old when Blue was born. Our mother had a lot of problems. She had bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression, and suffered episodes of mania. She never should have had any children, let alone two. And certainly not an infant later in life. When she was on her medication, she was somewhat functional, and fun, and loving. But when she went off her meds, she was mostly out of her mind.”