Heart's Desire

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  At the end of the week, Sinead was persuaded by Mike to attend the staff Christmas party. In truth she didn't feel the least bit festive, and she dreaded bumping into Austin or Margaret. She had seen him once in passing. He had merely nodded coolly as she flitted by with Mike, Dan the nurse, and a patient on a gurney.

  Her heart had turned over at the sight of him, and she had dreaded him coming to see her in ICU.

  But he had acted as though they were merely nodding acquaintances and never once came to visit. She took this as an obvious sign of guilt on his part. At the very least, it was certainly regret at their brief fling. Once she had seen him, it had been hard, but at last she felt able to breathe once more. She had her answer now. They had met, and now she knew the truth. Betrayal or not, they had no future together.

  So what did it matter if she did meet either of them face to face at the party? There would be plenty of others around, and she could simply call on Mike's help if things got awkward.

  At the last minute Maeve decided she wasn't up to it, and so Sinead and Mike set off on their own. Sinead looked lovely in her best dress, the black and sapphire gown which Austin had so admired when she had worn it during her stay at his house, which now seemed a lifetime ago. It had all been so wonderful, had seemed so real. But it had all just been a dream. Her dream, which had turned into a nightmare in the blink of an eye, leaving her more alone and bereft than ever. As she had said to her sister, it was worse to regret having been with someone, than to never have had them at all.

  She sat in the car seat huddled in her thick winter coat, wringing her fingers together, fiddling with her evening bag.

  Mike couldn't fail to see how nervous she looked. "If you don't want to go, there's still time to change our plans," he said. "We could go out to dinner instead. I really don't mind."

  Sinead smiled at him gratefully, and nodded her head. "All right, let's do that. I'm not sure I'm feeling up to a crowd tonight."

  They drove into the centre of town, and after a few moments of deliberation on Indian or Italian, they walked into the Trattoria. Sinead was not really hungry, but it seemed better to be out and about than sitting at home on a Saturday night. Mike tried his best to be good company, though it was clear that his thoughts were at home with his pregnant wife. They talked about the new house Mike and Maeve were thinking of buying. Both women were fond of the house they had grown up in, but the young couple felt they needed something bigger now that they had the money and the baby was due soon.

  "I hope you and Maeve find a house you like. I don't know what to do about our old place, though. I just feel so restless, Mike. I really thought I had got my life sorted, and then Austin and Margaret came along. Since then I've been on a rollercoaster. I've spent most of my life fitting in with other people. Maybe I should just make a clean break from Castlemaine and do what pleases me. Do some different training, go on a long holiday, I don't know. All I know is that working at Castlemaine will never be the same for me again. I think now is the time to go."

  "Just don't let yourself feel pushed out. Margaret will go to prison eventually, if the Stephens family have their way. Austin won't thank you for bringing that about, but he doesn't strike me as the vindictive type. I'm not saying it will be easy to forget him, but we're your family, and I refuse to let him drive you away."

  "It's time for me to make a fresh start. Christmas is coming up, and New Year's. We'll try to have a special holiday together and then I'll start making a few resolutions. I missed Christmas last year, didn't I?"

  "You did, I'm afraid," Mike said, patting her hand.

  Sinead finished her dessert and coffee, and glanced at her watch. They had lingered over their meal, but it was still only half past nine. Sinead didn't feel like going home to Maeve's concerned inquiries.

  He caught her eye. "There's still time to drop in at the party for a few drinks and dances. How about it?"

  Sinead suddenly felt a bit reckless. "Why not? I'll be leaving Castlemaine soon anyway. Besides, like I said, I missed Christmas last year, so I deserve to party this year."

  Mike flashed her a broad grin and smoothed his red tie and the lapels of his dark suit. "You're on."

  "I'll drive, and you can drink," Sinead offered.

  "Deal."

  They paid the bill and set off for the hospital, singing Christmas carols all the way, though she felt herself near tears.

  Sinead checked herself in the full-length mirror in the nurses' toilet before going into the party. While she admitted she looked nice enough, she saw the strain around her eyes and mouth. She certainly didn't appear as glowingly happy as she had done the last time she'd worn that dress.

  She shook her luxurious waves out slightly, and pushed her recollections of past, happier times from her mind as she went out into the corridor where Mike was waiting.

  "Now remember, don't leave me on my own for too long, just in case, you know..."

  "Well, if he is here, I'd like to get the chance to clear the air."

  Sinead shook her head. "It wouldn't solve anything. Come on, we're going to be the life and soul of the party for all to see, even if I feel like I'm a hundred years old."

  She and Mike walked in with their arms around each other for support. Everyone waved and greeted them. Sinead felt a lump in her throat, but she couldn't see Austin or Margaret, so she began to relax as they had a rather fast and furious session on the dance floor.

  Sinead hadn't danced for a long time, certainly not since the accident, but she and Maeve had done ballroom dancing as girls, and in fact, that was how they'd first met Mike.

  They had entertained the hospital staff at parties many times before and were now urged to give a display by all the nurses from ICU. Sinead protested several times, but Mike finally convinced her to give it a whirl. She dreaded being too clumsy on her feet, or too stiff and out of practice.

  But she relented in the end, and gritted her teeth with determination. The DJ put on some sizzling Latin American music, and soon all eyes were on them as they danced the samba. Sinead imagined herself dancing alluringly in front of Austin, coaxing him, enticing him, and a soft smile played about her lips.

  Mike was smiling and saying, "Good girl, you haven't forgotten a thing!" when suddenly she saw Austin scowling on the far side of the room, and Margaret sitting nearby. She almost missed a step, but Mike rescued her by giving her a powerful twirl and hissing, "Don't let them get to you!"

  Sinead determined to shut them out of her mind. To show them that she hadn't been deceived and defeated. She was going to have a good time if it killed her--and them. So the next dance she and Mike did was a fast jive. Everyone clapped along and cheered. Then they danced a Pasa Doble to some fairly sexy music.

  Sinead could sense rather than see Austin's presence, and knew he'd try to cut in soon. She and Mike dramatically gyrated, and she knew Austin was probably astonished to see her looking seemingly so provocative.

  Then the music slowed, and Mike pulled her close into a tango hold. "Sorry, dear, but he's going to try to cut in. Let's make this look good."

  He dipped her, swung her, and they laughed with childish delight. "Do you remember me when we went dancing in the old days? You and Maeve were visions of loveliness. All of the lads fell all over their feet to dance with you."

  She chuckled ruefully. "That's not quite the way I remember it, but I'll accept your version of events. It certainly was a lot of fun. I'll have to do a bit more dancing, stop working so hard, get out a bit more."

  "Just think how many dozens of pimply, spotty youths will line up for you, just like the old days!"

  She laughed hard, then shook her head. "I was very choosy then. I'm even more choosy now."

  The slow number came to an end, and they danced another upbeat disco number next.

  "It looked like the coast is clear," Mike said after a few more minutes, "so I think it'll be safe for me to leave you with the girls and go to the bathroom."

  "I hope so!" Sinead sai
d with a laugh.

  "If he gets irritating, just tell him you're going to marry me!" Mike laughed.

  Sinead's eyes widened as Austin loomed up behind his shoulder.

  The music slowed again just then. Short of making a scene, Sinead was powerless as his arms encircled her and pulled her tight.

  Mike moved to protest, but Sinead shook her head.

  Mike gave up with a resigned shrug. After all, in a crowd full of people, what harm could he do that he hadn't done already? Perhaps they'd get things sorted out once and for all.

  "When's the happy day to be?" Austin growled, as he pulled her closely to him while still keeping her moving around the floor.

  "Oh, er--" Sinead struggled to look up at him, but she was pinned fairly securely to his chest. The little she could see of his face gave her no clues as to how to proceed.

  "I don't understand you at all," he rapped out.

  "Pardon?"

  "I know I have to partly take the blame for telling you how much I wanted you, but I thought you'd made up your mind. I thought you'd finally admitted that Mike Sheridan was a nice bloke, but not the love of your life.

  "So I leave you at home to go to an important meeting here, and see you driving off on holiday with Dr. Sheridan without so much as a word to me after all we had shared. Then I see you in the hospital with him all the time, in the restaurant tonight holding hands, dancing like a siren and now accepting his proposal of marriage."

  He pulled her even closer and ground himself against her until she thought she would faint from desire.

  "Well, I won't give you up, do you hear me! I've tried to be philosophical about it. I've tried to tell myself this isn't the first time I've been rejected. That you're a heartless two-faced witch. That I should let Mike have you and look forward to seeing you live unhappily ever after. Then I see your violet eyes, so full of passion and honesty and I know you're going along with this romantic scheme of his because you're trying not to hurt his puppy-dog feelings for you."

  Sinead tried to focus on what he was saying, but the word ‘holiday' stuck in her mind. Did he really not know then where she'd been? Had she misjudged him?

  She shivered at the word 'honesty,' for she certainly had been less than honest about Mike. She would have to test his honesty towards her now by trying to sort out some of the tangled web of their relationship.

  "Austin, can you loosen your grip a little? I'm not going to run away, but people are already starting to stare, and I want to see your face."

  "Why, so you can see the knife twisting in my guts?" Austin muttered against her hair, but he moved to hold her a bit more loosely by the waist.

  Sinead could see the gray eyes staring down at her with the old familiar flame of passion burning relentlessly.

  "I can't take it, Sinead, this agony of jealousy. I'll tell you right now I have no intention of fighting fair. I won't let you go. You can't tell me you've shared with any other man what we have had together, in bed and out. Truthfully, until I met you, I never dreamt such happiness existed."

  Sinead stared up at him, unable to believe what she was hearing. But she had to be careful. And they couldn't talk things over on the dance floor. "Austin, come on, I think you and I had better sit down and clear this all up." She kept hold of his hand and led him to a table at the back.

  Once they were sitting, she took a deep breath. "You've said how upset you are about Mike, but can I ask you about Margaret Knight? Don't you think you've given me cause to be jealous?"

  His brows raised. "Margaret! Impossible! She fancies me, yes, but you couldn't possibly think..."

  Sinead thought he was either telling the truth, or was the world's best actor, for he certainly seemed genuinely shocked.

  "But you must admit, Austin, she was in your room, twice, when you were here in hospital, and her behavior was somewhat over-friendly. I also saw her in the pub in Seskin with you, though I'm pretty sure you didn't know I had spotted you. The question is, how could she have possibly known where we were unless you'd arranged things with her?"

  He shrugged and shook his head. "She's been a bit persistent, but I was mildly flattered and didn't see any real harm. I didn't want to kick a potential work colleague to the curb, but I didn't encourage her either."

  "Maeve and I saw you coming out of the restaurant with her, and the day that you are so furious about, the day I supposedly went off on holiday with Mike, I saw you and her in the car together. You were just standing with her here at the party. And you can't tell me that she came down to work here at Castlemaine General by sheer coincidence."

  Austin fiddled with a glass on the table for a moment. "I know what it looks like, and I suppose in a way it's my fault. Perhaps I haven't told her forcefully enough that I'm not interested. I suppose I've been flattered and kindly tolerant, but that's all. I promise you, word of honor, that I haven't been involved with her in the way you think."

  At her look of disbelief he smiled grimly. "I'm sorry if I've been stupid about her and it's hurt you. It's awful feeling jealous, but okay, maybe I let her go on a bit because, well, perhaps I thought it would get you away from Mike if you thought you had some competition."

  Sinead smiled, thinking how well it had succeeded. Of course Austin could have had no idea how painful it had all been because of her past history with Margaret. If he was innocent of any involvement with Margaret, then he was certainly innocent of any plan of hers to break Luke's will.

  But Sinead shook her head. "I still don't understand all this. I mean, it's all happened so suddenly. You kissed me in the car when I found you, you knew my name, you took me to your house, you pursued me, all in the space of only a few days. You'll forgive me if I seem suspicious, but it does strike me as a bit sudden, and sort of odd."

  Austin smiled and took her hand. "I'm not a stalker, but yes, I'm guilty as charged. I hope you'll forgive me, my dear, but I can be pretty cold and calculating when I want to be. The moment I laid eyes on you in September, I knew you were the woman for me. I did everything I could to run into you at the hospital. You probably spotted me hovering at least a half dozen times a day."

  "Hmm, now that you mention it, yes."

  He nodded, and looked boyishly embarrassed. "I was just trying to work out a plan to get close enough to you to ask you out, when fate took a hand, and you found me in the car. It was like vision from my wildest dreams, and I knew there was no more being coy. That it would be my best chance to get close to you at last, so I had to act."

  Sinead laughed a little. It certainly explained why she'd kept running into him all the time, until she had got sick of all the nurses swooning. And all that time he had been swooning over her?

  "But then I went to see you in ICU, and found out you were living with Mike Sheridan. I saw red. I watched you together, and could see you were living with him for security, not for love. So I thought, with my wonderful sense of competitiveness, that if you came up to Killyfassy Forest, I could win you from him. It might be a bit low to have used your sympathy and your professional concern to get you to come stay with me, but I was desperate not to let the chance to get closer to you slip away."

  He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Well, have I won? Because I can't go on like this. I want you so much, Sinead. I'm sure we belong together. The days and nights we've spent with each other so far are only the beginning. I want us to have so much more..."

  Sinead postponed his relief for a brief second as she said, "But you're completely wrong, Austin. I do love Mike."

  She saw his face harden, and his mouth open to protest when she grinned. "He's the best brother-in-law a girl could ever have."

  "What!" Austin shouted, his eyes flying wide.

  Mike was so alarmed at the sight of his reaction he came running over.

  "Are you both all right?" Mike asked, though he mainly looked at Sinead.

  "I am now," Austin said with a sigh, as he shook his head in disbelief. "You're really her brother in-law?"


  He nodded. "You've met my wife Maeve, haven't you? We all live in the house together. It's my fault really if you got the wrong impression, but it seemed convenient to keep her from getting hurt. But she has anyway, hasn't she," Mike added, with a dangerous glint in his eye.

  Sinead stood up. "Not now, Mike. I think it's actually all worked out."

  "Are you sure?" he asked, quirking one brow.

  "I think so. I'll discuss our problem with Austin privately if you don't mind?"

  "Should I wait for you?"

  She nodded and rose from her chair. "It's a bit too noisy in here to chat. We're going for a walk. I'll meet you back here in half an hour."

  Mike nodded, waved, and moved off.