The Stillness Of You

by Julie Bale

  With a groan I leaned over, because I couldn’t help myself, and I kissed the dimple just above her butt. I would have loved to have turned her onto her back because other than a quick glimpse the night before, her breasts were still pretty much a mystery to me—a mouth-watering mystery.

  My dick sprang to life at the thought and I rolled away from her—needing a bit of space and perspective. There was time for Georgia to be naked. I grinned. Lots of time.

  I’d just stepped out of her bedroom when I heard him.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

  Mother fucker.

  I squinted into the face of a very, very, pissed off Matt King and held my hands up, palms out. “Dude, it’s not what you think.”

  He took a few steps closer and before I could say anything else, the bastard surprised me—fucking sucker punch. His fist connected with my jaw and I swung into the wall so hard a framed photo fell to the ground and crashed.

  “What the fuck?” I snarled, shouldering him in the gut and sending him backward, hard.

  The two of us glared at each other, until Matt spoke. “I told you to stay away from her. She’s fucking trouble. I can’t have her screwing with your head.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” He wasn’t making any sense. “What are we? Five years old?”

  Something soft touched my shoulder and I glanced down at Georgia. She’d thrown on a robe and stood a few inches from me. She didn’t quite meet my eyes, and something twisted inside me, because I had a feeling everything had somehow changed and I didn’t understand any of it.

  Georgia moved past me before pausing in front of her brother. I couldn’t see her face but Matt’s expression was fierce.

  “He’s trying to tell you that you matter to him. That you matter to the team and he sure as hell doesn’t want anyone to screw that up. He’s trying to tell you that whatever this is between us won’t work and maybe you should listen to him.”

  Okay, what the hell was happening? When had everything gone to shit?

  “That doesn’t tell me anything.” I said roughly. “Georgia, what the fuck?”

  “No,” she answered softly, a tremble in her voice. “It doesn’t. But my secrets aren’t easy. They’re not even close to easy and,” she paused. “This won’t work, as much as I want it to...it just won’t.” She paused again and stared up at her brother for several long seconds. “Thanks for pointing it out Matt. What the hell would I do without you?”

  And then she disappeared into the bathroom and I didn’t know if I wanted to smash my fist into Matt’s face and break every bone that I could, or put a hole in the wall.

  I had no idea what had just happened. No idea at all. I glared at the closed door. “Georgia, are we going to talk about this?”

  Her answer? I heard the shower.

  I pinned a ‘don’t fuck with me’ look on Matt. “Are you going to tell me what the hell just happened here?”

  Matt opened his mouth, but then closed it tight, shaking his head in quick jerky movements. He sighed. “I…” And there was hurt in his eyes. “She’s my sister and I love her but there are things…there are things, but it’s not my place to say.”

  Unbelievable.

  “That’s it? That’s all you got?” I took a step forward, hands fisted, and I knew If I didn’t get it together I was going to say or do something I might regret.

  I glanced at the closed bathroom door once more and decided to go for a run instead of getting into it with Matt. I shoved my way past him and changed into my running gear. It was less than two hours before I got back, but by then Georgia was gone.

  As it turned out, she wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

  Chapter Twelve

  Georgia

  I stayed at Kendall’s place for an entire week. Her parents were in Europe for the summer so the place was empty. Kendall left to go back to New York City after the second day—the girl was getting somewhat respectable and had scored a PR job—but she told me to stay as long as I wanted to. As long as I needed to.

  So I did.

  There was no way I was going back to Matt’s place even though he’d called every single day and left a message on my voicemail. He always used the same excuse, ‘just making sure you’re taking your meds’ and then he’d say he was worried about me and then he’d apologize for being an asshole.

  Whatever.

  He never mentioned Ben and that was fine because every time I thought of him—which was a lot—I got an ache in my chest. I thought that maybe I had lost what could have been the best thing to happen to me. And then I thought I was crazy to even think along those lines. Ben Lancaster was going to be huge—in a world that celebrated the best he was headed to the top—and there was no way in hell he would ever be interested in someone like me if he knew the truth.

  I was way too screwed up for a golden boy and I knew it, but it didn’t stop me from wondering what if….

  It didn’t stop me from feeling like shit over the fact that Ben hadn’t tried to call or text me.

  And Matt’s words had hurt. They’d stung and ripped into me as if he’d taken a knife to my skin. “She’s fucking trouble. I can’t have her screwing with your head.” I suppose they stung because deep down I knew they were true. Deep down I knew he had reason to be concerned for Ben. My track record wasn’t exactly something to be proud of.

  Guys had always been interested in me. I wasn’t a cock-tease or anything, and maybe it was the slight bend of crazy that ran through me, but I’d grown up manipulating and playing with boys.

  I did it because I could and I did it because it made me feel good. And sometimes I went too far.

  A year ago I’d had a lot of fun with a couple guys, Ty Malone and Rick Danby—Ty was a rookie winger and Rick had been with the Flyer organization for a three years. Ty had been sweet but stupid, while Rick had been up for anything. Sometimes I thought he was crazier than I was, but I guess being a goalie and letting elite sharp shooters blast pucks at your head took a certain kind of crazy.

  My mistake had been fooling around with them at the same time and when it was over, Matt was left with two pissed off players who hated each other. Not exactly the right frame of mind for a team sport. When the season was over Ty was traded—which he blamed me for—and Rick went about his lunatic way.

  But Matt was pissed and that’s when things started escalating for me. The drugs, the sex, the booze, and pills. Everything in my head circled harder and harder and the pressure to deal with it was too much. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I didn’t understand how I could have been so high and then within days, so fucking low.

  And then I tried to kill myself. And it hadn’t been a half-hearted attempt after. After my intoxicated walk through the dorm I’d swallowed an entire bottle of oxycotton and the only reason it hadn’t worked was because my roommate came back to grab a forgotten cell phone.

  One of the worst days of my life had been waking up in the hospital with Matt beside the bed, his eyes swollen from crying and his heart broken.

  I did that to him. I hurt people.

  So, on what planet did I ever think someone like Ben Lancaster would settle for someone as screwed up as I was? Sure, I’d gotten help—the court order made sure of it—but that didn’t change the fact that my brain wasn’t normal. My chemistry was screwed and without the drugs I’d slide right back to where I was before.

  I’d be just like my mom and when she’d been alive she had been toxic, although since she’d never been diagnosed I guess it really wasn’t her fault. But that didn’t change things—the facts—and the biggest one was when she’d had enough and had driven off a bridge into Lake Muskegan, taking my dad with her. Murder/suicide.

  Nice.

  For a few days I’d let myself believe that someone as screwed up as me could have something special with someone like Ben Lancaster. But who was I kidding? When he found out what I was really about, he’d run for the hills. He was a smart guy.
He would eventually figure it out and just like I’d told him to his face, that’s what I would do. Run.

  The only problem with running away was eventually you had to find your way back. At least I did.

  I had run away for a week, but I couldn’t stay at Kendall’s parents any longer. It was time to go home. Time to figure things out. And that’s why a week later I found myself trudging through the foyer of Matt’s building, waving to Joe. I’d taken a few steps toward the elevator when I stopped and whirled around.

  “Hey, is Ben Lancaster still staying with my brother?” A sliver of apprehension rolled through me and my cheeks flushed about two shades past crimson. Up until just now, I assumed he was gone.

  Joe shook his head. “I don’t think so, Georgia. I haven’t seen him for a few days.”

  “Oh, okay.” Relief.

  “How are you?” he asked just as I turned back to the elevator. I knew I looked like shit and the concern in his voice confirmed it.

  “I’m fine. Just tired. Thanks for asking, Joe.”

  A few minutes later I let myself into the loft. Matt shouldn’t be home. His vacation was officially over and as far as I knew he was at work, but Ben…I still wasn’t sure.

  Silence greeted me and I cleared my throat, gazing around carefully. “Hey,” I said softly.

  Nothing. Ben was gone.

  With a sigh I headed to my bedroom, tossing my bag and staring at the bed that was as unmade as it had been a week ago. I walked toward it and slowly slid across the sheets, hugging my pillow and burying my face in the covers.

  They were cold and I shivered, disappointed that I didn’t feel Ben or smell him. There was nothing—as if the night I’d spent with him had never happened.

  The thought left me empty and it took a good ten minutes before I was able to force myself from the bed and into the shower, and really I only did that because there was nothing else to do. I wasn’t in any hurry. What did I have to run to? I wasn’t in the mood to paint, I wasn’t hungry and I sure as hell didn’t care about what I looked like.

  I stood under the hot spray letting the steam envelop my skin, and nearly an hour later I heard the door slam shut. I’d just combed out my hair and paused in my bedroom.

  “G?” It was Matt.

  I didn’t answer at first because I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him.

  “G?” he said again, worry in his voice.

  I sighed and sat on the end of my bed. “In here.”

  A few seconds later he was there, leaning against the doorframe, his blond good looks, all scrunched up in an apology face. I saw that he felt like shit. I was happy that he felt like shit and yet, how many times had he been on the receiving end of my sad, apologetic face?

  “G,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”

  At least he got right to the point. There was no waiting. No awkward silences.

  Except that there was. I couldn’t answer him and turned away. There was a huge knot in my throat, everything was tight and it took a bit to clear it away. The emotion that pummeled my chest came out of nowhere and I realized that I wasn’t just angry. Not by a long shot. I was so hurt and so sad that I couldn’t speak.

  “G?”

  I shook my head, wanting to shout, ‘go away’ ‘leave me alone’ but that stupid knot was still there and I didn’t say anything. I just stared at the floor and wished he’d leave because I knew I was going to lose it and I sure as hell didn’t want him to see me crying.

  He took a step forward and I shook my head, violently. I don’t know how I managed to speak but I whispered hoarsely. “Why are you back so early?”

  “Joe called.”

  “Awesome. Now you have Joe watching out for me? Calling you because you don’t trust your fucked up baby sister?”

  “No, I had Joe let me know when you came home because I screwed up and I’m sorry, and I was worried about you. I needed to see you, Georgia.”

  All my anger deflated at the look in his eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and it took a lot to keep from crying.

  “It’s not fair,” I said shakily. “I don’t want to be like this…like her, and it’s not fair.”

  “I know.”

  For a moment there was silence, each of us lost in our thoughts…our memories. “Nothing happened,” I said eventually. “Between Ben and I.” God, the ache was awful. “A lot of guys would have left when I put the brakes on, but he stayed and we slept together, but nothing happened.”

  “I know.”

  “I suppose Ben thinks I’m a freak.”

  Matt moved toward me and I inched to the left so that there was room for him to slide in beside me. His arms went around my shoulders and I turned to him, shuddering and wheezing as the tightness in my chest moved up to my throat, scrubbing at my face as a tear escaped and slid down my cheek.

  “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think that.”

  “Did you tell him?” I asked hesitantly, dreading his answer. Did Ben know how truly defective I was?

  “No. That’s your deal and you can tell him when you’re ready.”

  I heaved a sigh and shifted, my eyes on the floor. “Well, since I doubt I’ll be seeing him anytime soon, I guess I dodged that bullet.”

  “He wants to see you, G.”

  I turned to Matt in disbelief. “I find that hard to believe, but even if it’s true, you’re okay with that?”

  Matt held my gaze. “You’re better now, Georgia, and I’ve got to trust that you’re going to make good decisions. Seamus is helping and you’re taking your meds. You’re not a kid and if Ben Lancaster is important to you, I’m not going to stand in the way.”

  What the hell?

  “Last week you told him that I was messed up. That I would mess him up.”

  “Last week I was an asshole.”

  “You got that right.”

  He smiled, a sad sort of smile that tugged at my heart. He squeezed my shoulder gently. “I’m proud of you, G. You faced a monster and you’re dealing and I’m just…I’m just grateful we caught it in time. I’m grateful that you’re strong enough. I’m grateful that you’re here.”

  Another tear slid from my eye and he wiped it away. “You’re not Mom. I get that now. She never accepted what needed to be fixed but you have, and you deserve to be happy.”

  I still wasn’t sure what was happening.

  “You just…” he said softly.

  “Just what?”

  “You need to be honest with him about how you are…how you were, so he knows what he’s getting into.”

  That was the surest way to send him running. What twenty-four year old guy with the world at his feet was going to want to deal with me and my problems? I exhaled and glanced up at the ceiling. “He doesn’t want to see me anyway, so you don’t have to worry that I’ll screw up your golden boy. I haven’t heard anything from him since I left.”

  “I have.”

  A small glimmer of hope erupted inside me. It flushed hot and wove through my body, tingling where it touched. I squirmed and raised my eyebrows. “What are you saying?”

  Matt grinned. “Look. He was pissed when he came back from his run and you were gone. Pissed, and then worried, and then he made it clear to me that he was going to continue to see you if it’s what you wanted. He’s not a pussy that’s for sure and I could tell that he was really into you. I could tell that he meant what he said.”

  I took his words and held them close, letting them resonate inside me for a moment. One blinding, happy, euphoric moment. And then it passed.

  “He may have been into me for a few days but he never called or texted once.”

  “That’s because he’s waiting for you to come to him. He wanted to give you some space and I gotta say, that’s pretty big of him. It’s up to you, G, but if you want to see Ben he’s out at his new place. Got the keys yesterday.”

  Matt gave me a hug before sliding off the bed. “I’m meeting some guys at O’Reilly’s later, so if you want to borrow my wheels, feel f
ree.”

  He tossed his keys onto my dresser and left.

  I stared at them for so long my vision began to blur and with a groan I rolled onto the bed, fingering the edge of my pillow as my eyes drifted toward the sunlight streaming in from the window.

  I wanted Ben. I wanted him badly.

  But was I brave enough? Strong enough?

  After a few moments I rolled back over and got to my feet, taking the three steps it took to bring me to my dresser. I scooped the keys into my hands and held my breath, and then something broke apart inside me, like a little valve had just released. I exhaled nervously.

  I guess I was going to find out.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ben

  I heard the doorbell from my perch in the back yard just as I cracked open a cold beer. I was hot, thirsty as hell, and had just doffed my dirty T-shirt when my sister Eden poked her head outside.

  I had gone home to Canada for a few days and she’d come back with me. She was supposedly ‘helping’ me get settled but we both knew that was bull. She’d just ended a pretty shitty relationship—a guy she had lived with since college, a guy who had fucked around on her more than once—and was feeling blue. I had offered her a distraction and she’d taken it.

  “Pizza?” I said, taking another swig. I’d worked my ass off trying to get the yard cleaned up—cutting back the weeds, running the new riding lawnmower around like a hillbilly—while she’d sunbathed on the deck. I had a landscaping crew coming out in a few days to do the real heavy work, but I couldn’t stand to look at the mess until then.

  Besides, I needed an outlet for all the nervous energy that had been building inside me for days. Ever since that morning with Georgia.

  Eden shook her head. “No, sorry I forgot to call our order in.”

  Her brow furrowed and she stepped out onto the deck. She wore a skimpy black bikini top and a pair of old, worn jean shorts. Her long dark hair was tied loosely on top of her head, her brown eyes direct as she looked at me.