Crave

by Tessa Vidal

  “Oh, Mom. Please don’t tell me you’re ill, or something worse.” I murmured, then punched in her number. She answered on the second ring.

  “Simona.”

  “Hello, Mother. How are things?” I asked. I drummed my fingers on the scratched up desk.

  Silence ensued. Dread started at my toes and worked up my body inch by tortuous inch. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer.

  “Mom, what’s wrong? I know something’s not right.”

  “It’s your father.” She breathed. There was a catch in her voice, and my free hand closed into a fist.

  “Mom, why on earth are you calling me about him? He’s the last person I want to talk about, and you know why.” What the fuck? I could barely handle the relationship I had with her. He was permanently erased from my thoughts.

  Until now.

  “He’s, he’s not well. I thought you should know.” I heard the flick of a lighter as she lit a cigarette. She exhaled and waited for my response. I resisted the urge to scold her for picking up that habit again. She’d quit years ago, and she had COPD. I put it out of my mind and spoke.

  “How do you know this? He left after I did, and I thought you’d washed your hands of him.” I looked up to the ceiling, trying to keep my voice calm. I’d never even had an inkling of desire to lay eyes on that man again. What the hell was going on?

  “Honey, he’s seventy-nine. Advanced Parkinson’s and a tumor growing on his kidney. He will not be around much…”

  “How do you know this? When did you and him start talking again?” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. I took a deep breath, hoping to regain my composure.

  “He’s been staying here for the last year. He had no one else to turn to, and I…”

  “Wait a minute.” I cut her off. “Do you mean to tell me he’s been staying in the condo I paid for? The money I send you is taking care of him too?”

  “Simona, sometimes you need to move on, forgive people. He’s your father, and he deserves a second chance.” I heard her inhale smoke from the cigarette, then give a little cough. I imagined her face, lined with concern over a man who had done nothing but bring her grief.

  “Mom, this is not a second chance. This is like the hundredth chance. He used to beat you, remember? Beat me, and what he did to us is unforgivable.” I shook my head, then smashed my fist on the desk.

  “He’s so helpless now Simona. There’s no threat of, well, any of that. I’ve forgiven him, moved on. Maybe you should come see him. He’s asked for you, and he will not be with us much longer.

  “Mom! No! I will not see him. He had the good sense to abandon us, sparing you and me from any more of his abuse. Plus…” Mom interrupted before I could finish.

  “Do not speak of him like that. Your father is a good man. He’s changed, he’s…” A bolt of pain flashed through my temples.

  “Mother, I just can’t.”

  I disconnected the call, ending the conversation before I lost complete control here, in the restaurant I’d built with no help from him or her. I wouldn’t allow my employees to see that.

  I had nobody I could count on, no one I could trust.

  I slipped out the back door of Grace unnoticed due to the lunch rush, then ambled through the parking lot in a daze. A car horn jolted me. I swiveled to face it and realized I was standing in the middle of the lot, frozen. I shook my head and rushed to the sidewalk.

  Thoughts of my parents led inevitably to thoughts of her. My first love, lost forever.

  “Snap out of this Simona.” I muttered, then glanced around, hoping no one saw me talking to myself.

  A bus stop with a bench beckoned, and I sat down, unable to think about her and walk without the usual onslaught of emotion.

  “Ah, Jessica. I wonder where you are now?” I whispered.

  Her eyes haunted me, those hazel eyes so sweet and trusting, so like… Amber’s? Shit. No, this was business, that was all. I needed an assistant and she was more than qualified. Keep your personal life separate from work and you’d be fine.

  I saw my antique Mercedes at the end of the next block and jogged the rest of the way. I wanted the safety of its interior where I could have this silly breakdown in private. I reached into my pocket for the keys. In my haste, they flew out of my hands. They slid underneath the car in front of mine, so I dropped to my knees to retrieve them.

  “Simona, you need help with something?” A familiar voice said as my fingers wrapped around the keyring. I pulled my hand back and as I got up, I bumped my head on the car.

  “Ouch.” I grunted, seeing stars.

  I looked up to see a hand reaching down. Who was this? Then her face came into focus.

  Jesus, those eyes again.

  I grasped Amber’s hand, and she helped me to my feet.

  “Are you okay? That looked painful.” She said, but I couldn’t answer. All I could think was she was hiding behind those clunky brown frames. They were almost a disguise. Her lashes were nearly black, in stark contrast to her wavy auburn hair. Her eyes locked me in, refusing to let go. Shit, it was so hard to turn away. Finally, I remembered to answer her.

  “Yeah, it hurts, but I’ll live. I was pulling out my keys, and they somehow ended up underneath this car.” I realized I was still holding her hand and dropped it. I felt uncomfortable, strange since a little while ago I was completely at ease with her.

  We stood in silence for a beat too long. A car behind us beeped its horn, and we both jumped. We stepped onto the sidewalk, allowing the driver to pass.

  “Well, I was heading out for some lunch. I can’t take too long since Ashlee’s by herself. I look forward to your email.” With that, Amber sauntered off, looking back once before turning on to Clark Avenue and getting lost in the crowd. I rubbed my head, feeling a knot forming where I’d bumped it.

  I got in the front seat, ducking my head to avoid hitting it again. I sat back, took a deep breath, wondered if I wasn’t being rash hiring someone I’d just met. My gut told me she’d be the perfect assistant. But another part of me wanted to run, to rescind the offer and pretend like I’d never met the woman.

  I was being stupid. It was the phone call that spooked me, bringing back memories best left in the past. Yes, she was attractive. Now that I think about it, she resembled her, Jessica, the same eyes and easy going attitude.

  Stop.

  Thinking about the events from years ago was pointless, especially when a do-over wasn’t possible. Jessica vanished out of my life and it was my fault. I’d kept a wall around my heart for over twenty years now, and I was not about to tear it down.

  Amber

  “Amber, for someone starting a dream job with a dreamy boss, you don’t look terribly excited.” Christy said, reading my mood. I thought I’d done a good job of hiding my anxiety.

  “I’m excited, it’s just hard to jump up and down for joy when staring at empty shelves. It’s like being in a morgue.” Both of us whispered. The empty rooms now had an echo we weren’t used to.

  “Are you taking those boxes to Simona?” She asked with raised eyebrows. She was convinced there was something between us even if we didn’t know about it yet.

  “I will if she wants me to. I’ve only gotten an email telling me the date and time I’ll be starting. She never mentioned the books.”

  Simona called the day after I met her to make her final purchases over the phone. When she did, I formally accepted the job. Whenever Christy mentioned her name now, she pronounced it with a flirty trill that was getting underneath my skin.

  “Maybe you should call to remind her she has books here. Though you could score Brownie points on your first day when you show up with them.” She leered.

  “You know what? I don’t want to talk about her, or the job. It’s just a way to pay the rent, that’s all.” I picked up a pile of old paperbacks no one had bought and headed to the back room. I hoped she’d get the hint and drop the conversation.

  “Yeah, right? Don’t tell me she�
�s not easy on the eyes. I saw the way you looked at her. Hell, I looked at her the same way.” She was like a dog with a bone, unable to let it go. I placed the books in a box we were donating to the LGBT thrift store around the corner.

  “Christy, she’s not gay, and if I'm wrong, I’m sure I’m not her type. Stop matchmaking, I do not want to date anyone, even if they look like her.” I barked. She was driving me around the bend with the non-stop talk of Simona.

  “Okay, okay, you don’t have to be so touchy. I’m going back out front to mope.” She walked out of the back room, chin on her chest, obviously not happy.

  I sat down, staring at the now empty walls. All the pictures, calendars, and decor now gone so the realtor could get to work selling the building. I didn’t want to tell Christy, but even though I was sad about Gerald’s closing, I was glad to be moving on. The bookstore represented a closet of sorts. It was where I hid away from the rest of the world. Maybe leaving here was the way to get out of myself, to do more than simply exist?

  The new job was exciting, but it scared me to death. Selling books was the only job I’d ever had, and I didn’t want to disappoint Simona. Despite the barrage of innuendos I’d been getting from Christy, there was no way she was into me. I didn’t even want to think about that.

  The front doorbell rang, and instead of getting up to see who’d walked in, I stayed seated, not wanting to budge from my old desk. I closed my eyes and was about to lean back when the door to the stockroom flew open.

  “She’s here. Simona’s here to get her books.” Christy whispered with a smile. “C’mon, don’t just sit there. She wants to see you.”

  “I’ll be right there. Gimme a minute, okay?” Once the door shut, I rushed into the little bathroom and looked in the old mirror. I ran water over my hands and combed them through my hair, trying to calm the mess that confronted me. After a few more vain attempts at taming my messy hair I gave up.

  What is wrong with me? Calm down, walk out like a professional. Jesus Amber, you are such a moron.

  I took a deep breath, exhaled, pushed my glasses up, and marched out to greet my new boss.

  “Are you okay?” Simona was asking Christy when I walked out. Her perfectly arched eyebrows were drawn together.

  Shit, I forgot how weird Christy was around her. She was sitting on the floor, leaning back against the bookshelves, staring at Simona. There was no shame in her game.

  “Simona, hi. Christy, could you um, finish packing the stuff in the stockroom?” I couldn’t believe her lack of filter.

  Without a word she got to her feet and slowly, very slowly walked to the back room, pausing at the door to look back at her. When she finally closed the door, Simona burst into laughter.

  “Simona I’m so sorry about Christy, she’s been, you know, upset we’re closing and not behaving normally, for her anyway.” I’m sure I was as red as the bricks on the sidewalk outside. Simona tried to regain control, then leaned against a shelf and let out the biggest, braying laughter I’d heard in a long time. This set me off, and soon I was leaning on the shelf against her, doubled over with mirth. Somehow the pressures of the last few weeks seemed to dissipate as we enjoyed this embarrassing moment together.

  As our laughter dissipated, I looked up to see Simona’s golden brown eyes staring at me. She turned away, and I did the same. I pushed myself off the bookshelf and took my glasses off, wiping them on my blouse. When I put them back on she was eyeing me again.

  How did that moment of joy become awkward so fast?

  “I apologize for Christy’s behavior. Like I said she’s…”

  “No worries, let me get my books. I’ve got to get back to the office for a meeting.” Simona stretched out her taut arm and glanced at her watch. “One I’m already late for.”

  “Here, let me help. It’s these two boxes.” I rushed into the almost empty room where we once housed the rare books and picked up a box with her name on it. When I turned around, she was watching me again. I felt blood rushing to my face. Why did I always feel embarrassed around her?

  “What am I doing? Sorry, I’m distracted about something.” She muttered. Simona took the box out of my hands. I grabbed the other one and followed her out.

  We placed them in the trunk of her car, then she faced me.

  “Monday morning, be at my place by 8 a.m. I’ll have you fill out your paperwork and we’ll go over your duties. Oh, and that’s the last time you’ll be able to come to work so late. I usually start my day at 6. Think you’re ready for it?” She grinned, then looked at the pavement.

  “I’m looking forward to it ma’am.” I said.

  Simona grabbed me by the arm, looked me in the eye. Her face was only inches away. Her full lips pulled back from the whitest teeth I’d ever seen. My knees felt weak, and my pulse surged.

  “My name is Simona, not ma’am.” I felt pressure building inside, realized I was getting wet from her touch. She let go of my arm, got in her car and drove off without another word. I watched her drive away, staring like an imbecile. Then it dawned on me; she might look in her rear-view mirror, wondering what the hell I was standing there for. I shook my head and went back inside the shop.

  Christy’s face pulled back from the window when I had turned to go back inside. She must have been spying on us.

  “Oh my God, Amber!” She howled as she wrapped her arms around my waist and twirled me around.

  “Christy, you were watching the whole time? God, I hope Simona didn’t notice.” I unwrapped her arms from me and stepped back. She grabbed my hands in hers then shook her head with a smirk.

  “Since she only had eyes for you I don’t think she would have noticed if I had danced naked in the window.” She looked at me with disbelief in her eyes. “Don’t tell me you didn’t get that? I mean she’s gotta be…”

  “She’s my boss Christy. She paid attention to me the way an employer does. Read nothing into it, okay?” I took my hands away and walked into the stockroom. I needed coffee to clear my head, which Christy was doing her best to confuse. She skipped along behind me, sitting on the desk while I poured a cup. The old coffeemaker would be the last item packed.

  “Amber, I’ll admit it, I was spying. As soon as I heard the two of you laughing at me I made sure to…”

  “How did you know we were laughing at you?”

  “Because, silly, I did the whole thing on purpose, and it worked.” She stated, a sly smile spreading across her face.

  “You mean to tell me you staged that whole thing? You sat down on the floor and stared at her like a fool on purpose? Christy, she’s my boss! How can you play games?” It flabbergasted me. How could she manipulate us like that? My boss for christ’s sake!

  “It worked, didn’t it? I mean within a minute of me walking out of there you two were laughing your asses off. Not only that, you were leaning into each other like you’d known each other your entire lives. That’s some serious chemistry you two have going on.” She took a sip of my coffee, twirled a lock of her hair, and giggled.

  “Christy, you don’t know what you’re doing. Stop it, seriously. Women aren’t into me, and to be honest I’m not interested in her or anyone else.” I shook my head. Thank God this was the last time I’d have to deal with Christy matchmaking.

  “She’s into you, I swear it. Girls don’t look at other girls the way she looked at you unless they are interested. And she wasn’t the only one staring. You were too. Right back into those brown sexy eyes. You practically batted your eyelashes at her, Amber. C’mon, you can’t deny it.” She took another sip of my coffee. I got up and poured another cup, abandoning the first one so she could have it.

  “She’s sexy. I’ll admit it. But I don’t…”

  “Don’t what? C’mon, you never talk about your love life. You’re not a bad looking woman. I’m sure you’ve had offers.” She grabbed my hand again, which I snatched back. I stared up at the ceiling, unable to respond.

  “You’re not a virgin are you? I mean, really, is
that it?” She asked, a look of wonder crossing her face.

  “No, Christy, just… no.” I shook my head and laughed. Only once, a long time ago, but technically not a virgin. Though by now maybe I should reclaim that state of being.

  “Oh good,” she sighed. “I was worried for a moment. What’s the problem? She’s hot, rich, and it’s obvious she thinks you’re hot too.”

  “First, while I appreciate the compliment, I’m not hot. All I have to do is look in the mirror and see that. Second, I’m not good at love stuff. Third, and most importantly, she’s my boss. I need this job Christy, and…”

  “And I’d say a little sexual harassment is what you need in the workplace.” She cackled. I shook my head amazed at her naivete.

  “Drop it Christy, I’m not interested. She’s way too good looking for me. I mean, look at her body. Simona looks like she spends entire days at the gym, not eating rice crispy treats like normal people do.”

  She tried to grab my hand again, but I pulled away.

  “You are pretty, but you don’t know it. You’ve got that wholesome, sex-kitten thing going on. The shape of your eyes and that dark green color is so unique. Everyone who walks in the shop stares at you because of them. Haven’t you ever noticed?”

  “Christy, I appreciate the pep talk, but let it go.” I looked at my watch. “We’ve got a job to do.” I walked out of the stockroom to the front door and locked it.

  “I guess this is it. I will miss this place.” She looked around the shop, wiping a tear away. We silently circled the empty space, each deep in our memories.

  “C’mon, enough of the weepy stuff. Time to move on.”

  Amber