Crave

by Tessa Vidal

  I pulled my phone out and saw a slew of messages waiting for me. For the first time that day, my heart lightened. Amber’s avatar next to each message she’d sent lit up my screen at least a dozen times. To my amazement there was nothing urgent. The messages were mostly conversational. I would have reprimanded any other employee for doing that. But I welcomed her texts. They were just what I needed, and I replied to the ones that were necessary, and even the ones that weren’t got a reply. Now if only I could get Amber to smile more often. I loved seeing her bright, blue eyes sparkle behind her glasses when she laughed, or when we talked about our common love, books.

  Then I imagined her lips on mine, and instead of pushing the thought away like I normally did, I kissed her back.

  I looked down at the bar and closed my eyes, feeling my hands gripping her sides as I pulled Amber in close. This fantasy running through my head, it had been there since the day we first met at the bookstore. What was I afraid of? Rejection? Maybe Dad was right. Life was too short not to at least try for happiness, and Amber made me more than happy. She lifted my spirits and made me believe I was capable of accomplishing anything. The touch of her hand sent shivers throughout my body, and her words never left my consciousness, always ringing between my ears.

  My phone rang, startling me. It flew out of my hands and landed on the marble floor. I hopped off the barstool and picked it up, relieved it wasn’t broken.

  “Hello?”

  “Simona, come back to the apartment. The nurses think it will be soon.” Uncle Ricardo’s voice was strained, empty of life. I said nothing, just hung up and signaled for the check.

  Amber

  “I’m glad we have the chance to talk. I’ve thought of you often over the years.” Vickie blew on her coffee. Except for a few tiny creases around her eyes she looked the same as when we first met twelve years ago.

  We were at Raleigh Roasters, around the corner from the restaurant where Vickie worked. The stars were poking through the deep purple twilight, and since most of the surrounding businesses were closed, we had the tiny courtyard to ourselves.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Simona. Seeing you was a shock, so it slipped my mind.” I sipped my tea. “I’ve often thought about you too.” I debated whether to tell her about the mixed feelings I had. What would it have accomplished? My plan was to hear her out, listen to her side of the story before coming to a final conclusion.

  “I guess I should get the hard part over with first. I regret what I did to you in Savannah, and I’m truly sorry. I have no excuses. I’m an addict, though I’ve been clean since I moved home years ago. You know, I’ve thought of this moment many times, picturing this conversation in my head. To be doing it feels good. Scary, but good.” The hand holding her coffee trembled, and she put the cup on the table. I nodded my head for her to continue.

  “I stole your money to buy drugs. I felt guilty, and I knew I wasn’t getting on the bus. I’d promised my folks I’d only come home if I was clean. Since I’d made up my mind to use again, it would have gone to waste. To be honest, I’m surprised you used the ticket I left you. That must have taken a lot of courage, going hundreds of miles to a place you’d never been before.”

  Damn right it did. I felt anger boiling inside my guts, remembering how vulnerable I felt when it happened. I could tell she wanted to hear about it, so I calmed myself down and allowed the moment of silence between us to settle before I spoke.

  “That ticket saved my life.”

  Vickie’s mouth dropped open. After letting that sink in, I continued.

  “If I’d stayed in Savannah, I’d have been sleeping in the park for God knows how long. I had money hidden in my bag you didn’t know about. It scared me, but I knew financially I’d be okay for a few weeks at least. I had nothing keeping me there except a bunch of bad memories. My parents wanted nothing to do with me, and I wanted nothing from them after they kicked me out. Coming to Raleigh was exactly what I needed. Without that ticket I would have wandered the streets, not knowing what…” I didn’t finish the sentence. My throat felt like it was closing up, old anxieties kicking in. Vickie placed her hand on mine for a brief moment, then spoke.

  “It was still a shitty thing to do. In my addict’s brain I used that ‘gift’ of the ticket as a justification for stealing your money. To be honest, I thought I might bump into you for a couple of weeks after I left you in that hotel room. I was afraid you’d want to beat the shit out of me. I know if I was you I’d have wanted at least a solid punch or two.” Vickie looked down at her lap, then back up at me. She offered me a weak smile, then I remembered something.

  “For some reason I recall seeing you at the bus station, just as the bus was pulling away. I guess I imagined it.” I shook my head, baffled at the mistaken memories. Then again, she was high all the time, so maybe she was the one who couldn’t remember? I continued. “You’re right, I dreamed about punching your lights out a few times... but that ticket offered me freedom, so I got over it. If I’d stayed in Georgia, I would have been miserable, constantly reminded of the life I’d left behind. Maybe I’d have repented, become the religious nut my parents wanted me to be. Before they tossed me out they wanted me to become a missionary. I think that’s what set them off. I said no way, I couldn’t do it. I never told them I wasn’t a believer, but it was pretty obvious from the books I read, and I hated going to church.”

  Vickie laughed out loud.

  “Sorry, the thought of you going door to door for converts is funny. I mean, look at you now. You look so successful, sure of yourself.” Her eyes bored into mine as she spoke.

  “Thanks.” My face burned red and my mind was blown away. Me? Look successful? Wow.

  “You still haven’t told me. What do you do for Simona?”

  “I’m her personal assistant. I’ve only been doing it for a few weeks now, but I love it.”

  Vickie’s mouth hung open, a look of wonder in her eyes. “So you took Claire’s old job? And you enjoy working for her? Seriously?” Her arched eyebrows moved up her forehead.

  “Yeah, she’s great. In fact, I’ve never been happier. Simona’s a lot of fun.” I shrugged my shoulders, curious about her reaction.

  “You’re the only person I’ve ever met who says that. She’s not a bad boss or anything, but damn, she’s the coldest woman I know. Huh, maybe you’re the reason she’s been in a good mood lately.”

  Now it was my turn to act surprised. It was like I didn’t know who she was talking about, a complete stranger.

  “Really? I’ve had zero issues with Simona. I thought she got along with everybody.”

  “I’m not saying I don’t get along with her. I mean, she’s polite to everyone as far as I can see. Simona’s just, I don’t know, distant and intimidating. That is probably the best way of putting it. You know, I’ve been working for her running on eight years now. I started as a server, and now I’m the manager. She’s fair, and she has the best employee retention rate in the industry, but the idea of her being easy going or fun just blows my mind.” Vickie shook her head, sipped her coffee, and then nearly spit it out, bursting with laughter.

  “What, what is it?” I asked, perplexed. Learning what Simona was like to other people was eye-opening.

  “Nothing, don’t worry about it.” Her shoulders shook with mirth.

  “Seriously, what is it?”

  “I can’t, I mean, no, don’t worry about it.”

  What the hell? She would tell me if I had to beat it out of her.

  “Look, just tell me. You’ve known Simona longer than I have. Why is it so shocking that I work for her, that we get along?” I stared straight into her eyes, wanting an answer. Vickie sat up in her chair, and I could tell by the constant up and down of the corner of her lips she was controlling her laughter.

  “Are you sleeping with Simona or something? The woman you describe is nothing like the hard-assed boss I know.”

  It was my turn to laugh, but it was based on sheer nervous
energy. I was glad I’d finished my coffee already, or it would have been all over the table. Seriously, I wished I was sleeping with her, but I wasn’t about to tell Vickie or anyone else that little secret. Well, besides Christy. I told her everything.

  “No, I’m not sleeping with the boss.”

  “Good.” Vickie leaned back in her chair and pursed her lips.

  Huh? What did Vickie mean by “good”?

  “Are you seeing anybody?”

  Wow; the girl who fucked me, stole my money, and left me in a strange, seedy hotel room is acting interested. Bless her heart.

  “No, but I…”

  “I get it if you aren’t interested in me. I mean, I hardly deserve your attention considering our past, but I found you attractive then, and I still do.” Her hand left her coffee cup and laid across mine, her fingers lightly trying to grasp my hand. I moved it to my lap. I knew it took a lot to make amends, and I doubted she was the same person, but I just couldn’t with her. I felt nothing romantic, just an odd curiosity, that was all. I looked hard at her, gauging her reactions. She was flushed, and her lips were turned down. Vickie was not pleased with my silence. Normally I’d say something, put the person I was with at ease, but I relished her discomfort. Revenge was petty, and though that was nothing compared to the trouble she caused me all those years ago, it felt good to watch her squirm.

  “Say something, please, say anything.” Vickie murmured, and then reality set in, and I realized the truth. She was not Simona, and I wished she was. Finally, I spoke.

  “I’m sorry, no, I’m not seeing anybody.” I finished my coffee and stood up from the table. “I’m not available though, kinda got my eyes set on someone else. I’m going to go. It was good seeing you again, and I’m sure we’ll be bumping into each other through work and all that. Let’s remain friends. I mean, we haven’t spent a lot of time together, but we shared some intense moments. You’re a good person Vickie, but, well, my heart is… elsewhere.” I stopped, aware that I was babbling. The urge to run jolted through my system and I felt my heart racing. Vickie stood and pulled me into her arms for a brief hug.

  “I understand. It was good seeing you.” She said, while my arms hung at my sides, unable to grip her back.

  I backed away from her grasp and ran into the wall behind me. “Ouch.” I whispered, then I forced myself to walk around the table and leave. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling moisture building up behind them. Then my shoe caught on a loose brick on the sidewalk and I nearly tripped into a car trying to park in front of the coffee shop.

  There went my smooth exit. Though the bus stop was on the corner, I walked an extra couple of blocks to the next one, wanting to be alone, unobserved by Vickie.

  My hands trembled as I opened the back door to Simona’s house. I’d only been going in there during the day to work, but now the thought of being alone in my little apartment over the garage felt strange, tragic even.

  I went into the office and instead of sitting on my side of the desk I sat in Simona’s chair. The books on the shelves were comforting, and immediately I felt my shoulders loosen and relax. I leaned my head back into the soft brown leather and closed my eyes.

  “What the hell am I going to do now?” I spoke aloud, breaking through the silence haunting the house. I could feel her presence here, the scent of her perfume and coffee lingering. Fuck me, I was in trouble. The only thing I could think to do was run away. How could I admit to her how I felt when I couldn’t say the words aloud to myself? They were such simple words, only a few syllables, but my throat resisted and my tongue felt heavy in my mouth. Finally, what I’d been feeling since I first met the powerful, sexy woman became real as my lips opened.

  “I love her. I love Simona.” My voice echoed in the empty office, sounding loud despite my whisper. My vision blurred as a layer of tears covered my eyes.

  I put my face in my hands, applying pressure to my aching sinuses. Tears slid down my cheeks. Moments later my body shook, and the river behind my eyes overcame the mental dam I tried to construct.

  The relief I wanted wasn’t there. In fact the tears made it worse. What about my future? Where would I live? Did I need to find another job? There was no possible way she loved me in return, I knew it. Why would a beautiful and successful woman like Simona Hernandez want me, the biggest geek to ever escape Savannah, Georgia?

  I wiped my face on the sleeve of my shirt and then I opened the top desk drawer searching for pen and paper. The least I could do was leave with a little dignity. Writing out my two weeks’ notice would give me that. Hopefully, I’d have enough time to find somewhere else to live and another job. There were plenty of bookstores in Raleigh. I was sure I would find something else, though nothing could even compare to the work I did for her.

  I placed the paper in the center of the desk, picked up the pen and stared at the shelves filled with books. I didn’t want to leave, but staying meant dealing with the knowledge that she was off limits. Simona’s full lips would never touch mine, and I would be tortured on a daily basis watching her from my side of the desk.

  Fuck me.

  I had to do it, because watching her every day would only make things worse. Always wanting what I couldn’t have would destroy me.

  Dear Simona,

  I am writing this note to give you two

  My phone vibrated. I somehow knew it was her, and my intuition proved correct. I put the pen down and stared at the screen, wondering superstitiously if some divine intervention was taking place. After the sixth ring I answered.

  “Hello.” God, I hoped she couldn’t hear the anguish in my voice.

  “Amber, it’s so good to speak to you.” Simona murmured, but something was wrong. She never sounded like this, almost like she was unsure of herself. All thought of leaving vanished.

  “Are you okay? You don’t sound like yourself.” Silence followed for the next few seconds, then I heard a sniffing sound.

  “I’m…” Simona sighed, then continued. “I’ll be back in a couple of days, not sure of the exact time. My father passed away.” I heard what sounded like ice tinkling against glass, and I blanked on what to say. I’d kinda figured out they weren’t that close, but I guessed that losing a parent, whether you got along with them or not, had to be tough. After a moment of silence I found my voice.

  “I’m so sorry Simona. Is there anything I can do to help you?” I held the phone with my shoulder, picked up the paper I was writing on and tossed it into the trash can under the desk. There’s no way I could leave her now.

  “No, no, you are doing everything great. I appreciate the reports you’re sending me. I, well I need to talk to you about something important when I return. I can’t…” her voice faltered, then fell silent.

  “Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

  Simona

  The teardrop-shaped urn looked out of place on the coffee table. How could they fit all of him inside? I picked it up, surprised at how light it was. Feeling fidgety, and not wanting to drop it, I got up from the couch and placed it on the mantle over the small fireplace. When I turned back toward the sofa, I noticed Uncle Ricardo standing in the doorway.

  He’d taken it hard. His older brother had spent his life taking care of him, raising him after the death of their parents. Even after Dad disappeared Uncle Ricardo always knew where to find him. When Dad no longer could take care of himself, he stepped in, helping Mom during the last few months. Now my uncle had many years left for himself. I suspected he was frightened about the future. I sat down, took a sip of coffee, and spoke.

  “You know, you have options. I have plenty of space at my house. There is always a place for you and Mom in my home.”

  Uncle Ricardo sighed, sitting in the wing chair across from me. I poured him a cup of coffee from the carafe and sat it down in front of him.

  “Gracias. No, I appreciate the offer, but my place is here. Your mother is my family, and I’ll stick around to watch over her.” His
lined face relaxed.

  Despite our earlier truce, I thought he was afraid I hated him. The opposite was how I felt.

  “Your father wouldn’t want us to dwell on his passing. You know, I’m truly sorry we had to send you away. I missed you too. Your parents did the right thing, keeping all of us safe. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us for doing what we did.” Uncle Ricardo took a simple white handkerchief out of the inner pocket of his jacket and dabbed at his eyes. Most people considered handkerchiefs old-fashioned. I liked them, though they reminded me he had to be close to retirement age now.

  “I’ve moved on. I knew at the time you had my best interests at heart. Of course, I didn’t understand it when I was a teenager, but I get it now. Dad told me right before he passed to do what makes me happy. Life is short. I hope he told you the same thing. It’s time to make yourself happy, Uncle Ricardo.” I stood up, crossed over to him, and knelt by his chair.

  “Thanks for looking after Mom and Dad. I’m leaving in a little while, heading back to North Carolina. I can’t bear being here, and I’ve got things I have to take care of at home.” We stood up, hugged, cried a little. All the teenage angst I’d carried for decades washed away in that moment. Then I walked over to the mantle, picked up the urn and turned to my uncle.

  “Take good care of him, and Mom too.”

  I didn’t know why, but I usually fell asleep within minutes of boarding a flight, and today was no exception. It was a restful and dreamless sleep that refreshed, and when I awoke I knew what I had to do once I got home.