Nocturne

by Andrea Randall

  “What’s wrong?” I pressed.

  Still silent, she shook her head. I didn’t want to push, but I knew she had a lot of things that she needed to talk about. I wished she had told me about her parents’ divorce, and the look on her face when she told me why she felt she couldn’t say anything to me was devastating. She deserved better.

  “Nathan knows something’s going on with me,” she finally blurted out. My muscles tensed as I tried to decipher what she meant by something. She must have felt it, because she continued speaking. “Not about us, I don’t think. But, something. He thought it was about the article. He knew about my parents’ divorce, and my mother’s relationship with Malcolm ... and he thought that the stuff about my admission to the conservatory was what was making me distant from everyone.”

  Flames of irritation rushed over me at the thought that she’d confided in Nathan Connors. I was well aware they’d known each other for years. But I still hated that she felt I couldn’t provide an emotional shelter for her. I knew realistically that I couldn’t, but that didn’t stop the pain of pushing my pride aside as she kissed my neck once.

  “Have you been distant?”

  “I guess. I just … don’t want to waste any time with you.” Her voice was uncomfortably distant.

  I pulled my eyebrows together and looked back over the last couple of weeks. Savannah and I spent so much time together rehearsing, and even our spare time was spent in whoever’s room was lacking a roommate, that I hadn’t taken a step back to look at her other relationships. Everyone knew how I was. I didn’t spend a lot of time socializing, especially on the road. Travel exhausted me, and I was often shuffling between practicing and sleeping. But Savannah was significantly more social than me, and I quickly calculated that she was spending nearly all of her free time with me.

  “I don’t want you to pull away from your friends, Savannah.”

  “I’m not pulling away, but there’s a big chunk of my life that I can’t talk to them about … I think I need to talk about us with someone. Just … to process what’s going on. I won’t broadcast it, but—”

  “Anyone but Nathan,” I spit out without regard to the delicacy of my tone.

  Savannah sat up and pulled back slightly, looking me in the eyes. “What?”

  “I get that this is a really emotional and conflicting situation, Savannah, I really do. And I appreciate the need you have to talk to a friend, but … anyone but Nathan.”

  “Gregory … I …” She drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs.

  My pulse kicked up, but not the way it did when her legs were wrapped around me. “Were you considering telling him about us? The boy detests me, Savannah, and I can’t say the feeling isn’t mutual. He’d take great pleasure in ruining my reputation.”

  Savannah bit her lip as her face melted in what looked like disappointment. She cleared her throat. “This isn’t about you, Gregory. He’s my friend and wouldn’t do that to me. But, I get it. I don’t want to … cause a problem. That’s why I haven’t said anything.”

  Relieved, I sat back and held out my arm, seeking the comfort of her skin against mine. “Thank you,” I said as she moved into my side.

  “I said I’d do anything for you, Gregory. I meant that.” Her muscles stayed tense as she draped her arm across my torso.

  I’d told her earlier that I’d do anything for her. As we sat in the quiet hotel room, surrounded by rough cotton sheets, I added up the cost of anything. As Savannah’s breathing evened out and she fell asleep against my shoulder, the cost mattered less and her heart mattered more.

  I ran a hand down my face, stopping briefly to pinch the bridge of my nose. The thought of parting ways with Savannah at the end of the tour was absurd. And painful. But it was reality. Anything ended as soon as that hotel door opened and we were on stage. Anything would slip away when I got home and faced my wife.

  For the next hour, as Savannah slept, breathing softly against my skin, I ran through every scenario possible to allow me to stand up to my words to her. To stand up to anything. Because I meant it— I would do anything.

  Because she was becoming my everything.

  Savannah

  “We’re almost at the end.” Nathan yawned and stretched his arms overhead as we wrapped up what would be one of our final rehearsals. Our show that evening in Hartford was to be our last before the finale performance in Boston.

  “Yeah,” I laughed, “thank God. And, just in time for me to stop screwing up that key change in the march.” I chuckled, feigning relief. Really, I was heartbroken.

  The end of the tour meant the end of me and Gregory. The only “me and Gregory” there could ever be. I’d caught a few ends to some tense-sounding conversations between him and Karin, but I rarely asked about them. Talking about them would have invited her in between us. She was ever present in my mind as it was. I couldn’t imagine how it was for him. And I didn’t want to. I just wanted to enjoy us.

  “Did you ever end up talking to your mom?”

  “No.” I stood and slid my bag over my shoulder. “I just let it go for now. She’ll be in Boston when I get back. That conversation needs to happen face-to-face.”

  “I’m glad. You’ve been in a better mood the last two weeks.” Nathan gave me a quick side hug.

  “Yeah, I’ve been feeling a lot better about that whole situation. My mother is who she is, and I can’t let her get in my head anymore.”

  Turns out, I was more like my mother than I cared to admit. An incredible actress. I hadn’t wanted to draw too much scrutiny to my distant state, so I dialed up the charm when I was in group settings. It slowly ate away at me all summer to lie to Nathan. That would be over soon. Like everything else. Then, I could get back to normal. Whatever that would be.

  Nathan and I headed backstage and he met up with Christine. He wrapped his arms around her petite waist and bent down to kiss her on the lips. She was a lot shorter than Nathan, with a cute blonde pixie cut.

  “You guys are sweet.” I smiled as I searched through folders of music, looking for a replacement for a sheet I’d dumped coffee on earlier in the week.

  “You know,” Tim Flannigan bellowed behind me, “you should come audition for Chicago. You could watch this sweetness all the time.”

  Tim had been less and less guarded about flirting with me in front of everyone. He was incredibly attractive and had the talent to match. I skillfully shrugged off his advances, though, despite the possibilities presented by getting involved with someone who wasn’t married.

  “Ha.” I shook my head and set the folders down once I found what I was looking for.

  “I’m serious, Savannah,” Tim said. “Grace Callahan is leaving. Just got word this morning, actually. She’s taken a job in Atlanta and the spot is available immediately. You should consider it. Do you really want to hunker down through another Russian winter?”

  “Right, like Chicago’s any better?” I snickered to push through the uncertainty rising in my throat.

  The thought of returning to Moscow for the start of the new season in a few weeks was too much to consider. And, Gregory and I hadn’t talked about it.

  “Maybe I will.” I shrugged and gave a half smile, hoping to appease the three sets of eyes trained on me.

  “Hell yes, you will!” Nathan held up his hand, requesting a high five. I rolled my hands, then slapped his hand.

  “We’re headed to dinner, you want to join us?” Christine laced her fingers with Nathan’s and smiled sweetly at me.

  “No, thanks. I need to get together with Gregory to go over our final performance.”

  “Don’t let that grumpy bastard work you too hard.” Tim gave my shoulder a quick squeeze, laughing at his own joke.

  “Come on, Tim,” I sighed, “he’s not that grumpy.”

  Nathan eyed me for a second longer than the other two before the trio left and headed to dinner.

  Chicago was a fantastic opportunity, but I had a secure posit
ion at Bolshoi, and I wasn’t sure if playing with an American symphony was what I wanted. I had to start mentally preparing to head back to Moscow, leaving my heart here. Kneeling down to slide the sheet music into my bag, I sighed in the thick silence of the dark space.

  “Are you okay?” Gregory’s smoky whisper startled me, causing me to jump. “Sorry.” He laughed softly as he knelt down next to me.

  Instinctively, I leaned my head onto his arm. I was missing him already and I had to keep my tears in check. “I’m fine. Just getting some music. Ready to go rehearse?”

  Gregory stood with elongated grace, leading me up by my hand. He didn’t let go when I was up on my feet, and I didn’t either. “Come to dinner with me.”

  “What? We can’t …” I shook my head in confusion.

  “Look. We can brush up the pieces later. You know them. I know them. We’re good. But,” he took my other hand and arrested my gaze, “the tour ends at the end of the week and we won’t get a chance for who knows how long to dine together in public, and—”

  “Wait … what are you talking about, in public? You mean ever, right? The tour will be over and you’ve got to …” I trailed off, looking down, not wanting to address his need to get back to his life. Or, me getting back to mine.

  Gregory slid his fingers between mine and squeezed, forcing me to look back up. His lips were in a hard line and his forehead creased against whatever he was about to say.

  “I …” He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair, looking to the ceiling briefly.

  “What, Gregory?”

  “I can’t do it.”

  “Do what?” I tried to pull my hand away, but he gripped mine tighter.

  “I can’t simply walk away from you when this tour is over. I can’t stop seeing you. I don’t want to stop seeing you.”

  The force with which the air left my body could only be measured in the volume of the gasp that escaped my lips. “No.”

  I shook my hand free and reached for my bag. While we were still standing in a darkened backstage area, I felt heat as if stadium lights had just been turned on. My thoughts made no sense as I tried to put them in order. As I tried to form a sentence.

  “Savannah.” Gregory tugged gently on my arm.

  “You’re married,” I hissed, my eyes automatically flicking around us to make sure no one had slipped uninvited to the conversation.

  “I’m aware. I just need some time to work that out.” The indifference in his tone forced me to take a step back.

  “Work that out? It’s not a business proposition, Gregory, it’s your marriage.”

  “You know my marriage is a disaster. I need to sort that out ... there are things … just hear me out.” He brought his other hand to my other shoulder, tilting his head to the side.

  I took a long, slow breath and tilted my chin up, straightening my shoulders. “No, hear me out. When the hell do I get a say here?”

  His eyebrows scrunched in apparent confusion, but I didn’t let him speak.

  “You were the one who stopped our relationship five years ago—”

  He cut me off, “Savannah—”

  “Stop. You walked away from us then, Gregory. Then you asked me to have an affair with you. You outlined the parameters of that affair, too. I realize you are the only married one here, but we were both involved and you were the only one making the rules. I followed because I had no choice. It was either follow along with your wants and needs because I’m insanely in love with you, or be alone. You knew that, too. You knew I’d say yes.”

  I hadn’t realized how much anger and insecurity I’d been pushing down about my role in our relationship. Blindly and mutely following behind a man is not how I’d intended things to end up with me. My breath was short as the anger rose.

  “I didn’t know you’d say yes. I’d hoped, of course, but I didn’t—”

  “You wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t know, Gregory. You don’t take risks.”

  He grabbed my shoulders and his eyes seared me with intensity. “You don’t call this a risk?” he said gruffly.

  “Of course it is, but not one to your marriage. That was dead a long time ago. If I’d said no you would have certainly found someone else to take my place.” I was so angry and lost that I wanted to hurt him. Even if it was with a lie.

  It worked.

  Air flew from his lungs as though he’d been punched in the stomach. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?” He let his hands slide down my arms until they found my hands.

  I shook my head reluctantly. Ashamed to admit I’d hurt him on purpose. “I don’t think so … no … I don’t …” I pressed my lips together tightly, as if they had any control over the tears forming in my eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Savannah. I thought I’d made my feelings clear. This wasn’t just about sex …” he trailed off, letting go of me and running both hands through his hair as he took a step back.

  I couldn’t bear the look on his face as his eyes surveyed the space around us, as if he’d just awoken from a nightmare and he was trying to grasp onto something real. I met him in the middle of our emotional mess and put my hands on the sides of his face.

  “Look,” I whispered. “I don’t want to ruin our last week together. Please. I’m sorry for lashing out. I don’t want to screw things up for you personally or professionally. We practiced when and where you said to all summer, I didn’t talk to Nathan about us, as you requested … and … I haven’t really talked to any of my friends, for that matter.”

  “I never asked you to isolate yourself, Savannah.” Gregory put his trembling hands over mine.

  “You did. But, I agreed. It was for a short time, and I knew that. A short time that I got to have you, and only you. To be an us. I was willing to give everything else up for this summer. But, it’s over now. And … I just don’t know how people do this all the time. Affairs. For years. I don’t know how my mother did it.” My voice gave up at the end of my sentence.

  In an instant Gregory’s arms were around my shoulders and his hand was holding my head against his chest. “Shit, Savannah, you’re nothing like her. That’s not what this is. I lo—”

  “Don’t!” I yelped into his chest.

  Gregory gripped my shoulders again and held me at arms’ length, looking me directly in the eyes. “No. I’m going to tell you. I love you, Savannah. I love you. I know you’re hurt by what happened with your mother and father, but you are nothing like her.”

  “If we keep going, Gregory, I’ll be fucking up a marriage. Whatever is left to fuck up, I guess.”

  “Savannah, my marriage has issues that go back much longer than this summer.”

  “Can’t we just wait until you divorce her … if that’s what you’re going to do?” I couldn’t believe I was actually discussing Gregory divorcing his wife. I didn’t know if I was asking him to leave her for me. Or if I was just asking him to leave her because he was so miserable in their relationship.

  Gregory nodded. “It’ll take time, though. And, something is going on with her, as I’ve said. It’s personal and private and I can’t just walk away from her until we get it sorted. I just don’t have all of the facts right now because it’s not really a conversation appropriate for the phone.”

  “Are you asking me to wait for you?” My whisper kicked up an octave, soaking in the possibility of his request.

  “I want you, Savannah. Desperately. I’m in love with you. But, being in love with you means that I need to place your needs above mine. Your heart before mine. I want to ask you to wait for me, but I know how unfair that is. If someone comes along that can give you what I can’t …” He squeezed his eyes shut briefly, turning his head away, as if trying to avoid the thought.

  “You mean someone who can be there for me?”

  Gregory stared silently for a few moments before shaking his head. “I’ll be there for you, Savannah. I’ll always be there for you.”

  “The season at Bolshoi starts when your season doe
s. Long distance is just messy.”

  Gregory paled, eyes looking startled. “You’re going back?”

  I scrunched my eyebrows. “It’s my job, Gregory.”

  He looked to the floor, running a hand through his ragged hair as I panicked, my fingers tingling, and my throat running dry, wondering if he was preparing to ask me to give it up for him. I didn’t have an answer to that unasked question.

  “But,” I continued before he had the chance. “yes on dinner.” I needed a drink, and a breath.

  Gregory pulled me back into the hug, kissing the top of his head. “I don’t want to lose you, Savannah. Not again. It hurt enough for the both of us the first time. There can’t be a second.”

  I just nodded against his chest, unsure how else to respond.

  Then, someone cleared their throat behind me, and I felt my knees go weak with fear.

  Gregory dropped his hands. I studied his face, gauging his expression. It went from surprised to annoyed quickly.

  Nathan. Great.

  I turned to find Nathan standing cross-armed, nearly seething with tension. I didn’t have time for his shit.

  “Hey you,” I said, heading for the door with Gregory slightly behind me.

  “What the hell was that?” Nathan asked.

  “Gregory and I are heading to grab a quick bite before we practice.”

  Nathan stopped short as I wiggled by him, out the door. He turned to Gregory and stood straight. I rolled my eyes at the pre-historic posturing. “What gives, Fitzgerald? I thought you and I talked about this already.” Nathan’s voice was moving on a less than discreet crescendo.

  My mouth opened as I turned to face the men. “You what? Nathan!”

  “What?” Nathan shrugged. “I had a little talk with him on the train from Lincoln.”

  “I told you not to say anything!” I screeched.

  Gregory stepped in front of Nathan and addressed me in a panic. “You told him?”

  “Don’t talk to her that way, asshole. She told me about your little romp after the TV performance.” Nathan tried to push past Gregory, but they ended up standing shoulder-to-shoulder facing me. Gregory’s face relaxed just slightly, perhaps recognizing I hadn’t told Nathan about the affair. Just as he asked.