Dr. Fell and the Playground of Doom

by David Neilsen

  He backed up through the castle gateway, one hand tipping his top hat with a fanciful and unnecessary flick of the wrist, and instantly disappeared into the vast labyrinthine structure he had created.

  The paralyzing effect of his presence remained a moment more. Finally, Jerry shook his head clear and raced to the document posted on the castle wall.

  “Is it just me, or does that guy get creepier and creepier by the day?” asked Nancy, slapping her face to bring herself out of the spell.

  “It’s not just you,” confirmed Gail, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

  “I don’t believe it!” said Jerry. “It’s all legally approved!”

  “That means it’s safe, then, right?” asked Gail. “I mean, if the town building inspectors—”

  “It’s not safe, Gail! The forest of sharp wooden spikes alone should get this thing condemned.”

  Gail and Nancy joined Jerry and scanned the document themselves, though neither one had any real idea of what they were looking at.

  “It just doesn’t make any sense!” complained Jerry.

  “What’s this written here at the bottom?” asked Gail, pointing.

  The three kids leaned in to peer at the fine print. Then they read it. Then they sagged.

  “ ‘What a nice man is Dr. Fell,’ ” read Gail.

  “So much for your brilliant plan,” grunted Nancy.

  Jerry whirled, hurt, but before he could respond, a new understanding dawned on him.

  “You told him,” he whispered.

  “What?” asked Nancy.

  “You told him my plan. When he zombified you.”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  “He knew it was my plan! He singled me out!”

  “You’re the one holding the tape measure, Dorknose.”

  “You told him it was my plan and he went out and bedazzled the building inspector and now everything is ruined! Now we’ll never get rid of him!”

  “I didn’t tell him!”

  “You don’t know that, Nancy,” said Gail. “You’ll never know what you did or didn’t do when you were under his spell.”

  “Or maybe you weren’t even under his spell yet. Maybe you were jealous that I had the plan to save the day, so you warned him even before he put the heebie-jeebies on you!”

  “Come off it, Dorknose. You know I didn’t—”

  “Then why’d he know it was my plan?! Why’d he single me out?!”

  “I don’t know!” yelled Nancy, her blood boiling.

  “You traitor!” screamed Jerry as he lunged at Nancy, fists flying. Not being the most agile of individuals, he was chagrined to find that his sudden attack wasn’t the most successful and he ended up stumbling forward like a dizzy hippopotamus. The girls were shocked at his sudden display of violence all the same.

  “Jerry!” screamed his sister.

  “You want a piece of me, Dorknose?” Nancy raised up her far more practiced fists.

  “Stop calling me Dorknose! I can’t believe I trusted you!”

  “Jerry, calm down,” urged Gail.

  “Oh, right, take her side! You always let her pick on me! I hate you! I hate you both!”

  “Jerry!” cried Gail.

  Sobbing hysterically, Jerry ran out into the endless corridors and platforms surrounding them, to be swallowed up by the wooden monstrosity that had become the central focal point of their lives.

  “Let the crybaby go,” said Nancy. “What use is he anyway?”

  “Jerry’s right, Nancy! You’ve been mean to him our whole lives! Why are you always so negative?! Why do you have to put him and everyone else down to make yourself happy?!”

  “I…that’s not—”

  “You know, I bet he’s right and you did tell Dr. Fell about Jerry’s plan. You probably couldn’t stand the thought of my brother saving the day! Can’t have him upstage you for even one second, can you?”

  “What, you’re turning on me now too? Fine! Go run to your little crybaby brother! What do I care!”

  “I hate you!”

  “I hate you too!”

  “I hate you more!”

  “I hate you even more!”

  As one, the girls marched off in different directions, each more furious than the other.

  From high atop the castle walls, Dr. Fell smiled.

  AN OPPRESSIVE SILENCE HUNG over the bus stop the next morning.

  True, it hadn’t been a very chatty place of late, since all the children of Hardscrabble Street—as well as those from Vexington Avenue, Von Burden Lane, Turnabout Road, and every other street, avenue, road, lane, circle, drive, boulevard, or way in a twenty-five-mile radius of Killimore Hill—spent their mornings on Dr. Fell’s playground. But on this morning it was particularly quiet. This was because Gail, Nancy, and Jerry were each making a very determined effort not to speak to one another. Since they were the only three standing at the bus stop, their silence was deafening.

  The morning’s moratorium on conversation had actually begun the day before, after each member of the trio had stormed off with injured feelings:

  Jerry was angry at Nancy for ruining his plan.

  Nancy was angry at Gail for betraying her.

  Gail was angry at Jerry for being too stubborn to let her apologize when she’d gotten home from the playground.

  Nancy was angry at Jerry for accusing her of wanting to help Dr. Fell.

  Jerry was angry at Gail for taking Nancy’s side over his all the time.

  Gail was angry at Nancy for being so mean to her brother.

  There was a lot of anger going around.

  When the bus arrived, Jerry sat down in the very front row, Gail sat right in the middle of the bus, and Nancy sat in the very back. Having been the only three at the bus stop, they sat for a moment in an otherwise empty bus—the physical distance between them echoing the emotional distance. Soon enough the rest of the kids climbed aboard (or at least as many as could rip themselves away from the playground), and the friends were just three more students on their way to school.

  It was unfortunate that Gail, Nancy, and Jerry refused to speak to one another throughout the morning as well as at lunch, because each of them was witness to an alarming incident that the others would have benefited from being made aware of.

  It would have been good for Gail and Nancy to know that Mrs. Wealthini took a poll in her classroom asking how many of her students had yet to visit Dr. Fell and that Jerry was the only one who raised his hand.

  It would have been good for Nancy and Jerry to know that Gail saw fourth graders Daniel Dazzleford and Owen Heftybucks take a shaving kit into the boys’ bathroom to deal with their facial stubble.

  It would have been good for Jerry and Gail to know that Nancy overheard Lindsey Brackentwig tell Gabby Plaugestein that she planned to break her leg that afternoon at Dr. Fell’s playground.

  But rather than pool their knowledge and delve deeper into the mystery of Dr. Fell together, they remained three solitary islands of skepticism in an ocean of Dr. Fell worship. Which is why when Assistant Principal Richman suddenly announced that a school-wide, mandatory assembly was starting, none of the three suspected anything out of the ordinary.

  Nor did they worry when the entire student body of McKinley Grant Fillmore Elementary School filed into the gymnasium to find physical education teacher Judy Moneyman standing alone in the center, waiting for students to settle down.

  They thought nothing of it when Mrs. Moneyman announced that the afternoon’s assembly was on a new healthy-body initiative, because physical education teacher Judy Moneyman often doubled as government-mandated health teacher Judy Moneyman.

  It was when Mrs. Moneyman began talking about the sudden rash of injuries being sustained by the students that Gail, Nancy, and Jerry perked up. And it was when a large number of parents, including Stephanie Bloom and Cecilia Pinkblossom, entered the gymnasium that they began to realize something was up.

  “As your government-mandated health teacher, I f
elt it was important for me to design and implement a new healthy-body initiative in light of the growing number of serious injuries occurring within the student body of McKinley Grant Fillmore Elementary School,” began Mrs. Moneyman. “The administrators and staff of McKinley Grant Fillmore Elementary School want only the best for our students, and a childhood filled with the repeated breaking of bones and the suffering of multiple concussions is not, on the whole, a rewarding one.”

  All around her, the students of McKinley Grant Fillmore Elementary School nodded their bandaged heads in agreement, with many glancing down at arms or wrists in plaster casts or legs or ankles splinted in place.

  “Your parents are here today as a show of support for our new program, and they have promised to do all they can to help enforce our methods,” continued Mrs. Moneyman. The parents lined up behind her all nodded enthusiastically.

  At a gesture from Mrs. Moneyman, Assistant Principal Richman wheeled a large blackboard onto the stage beside her. The board was currently covered by a white sheet, and Assistant Principal Richman grabbed the edge of the sheet in preparation for whipping it off in a dramatic reveal. Once he was ready, he smoothed down his Darth Vader tie and gave Mrs. Moneyman the thumbs-up.

  “Our new healthy-body initiative, which we call the New Healthy-Body Initiative, consists of three main steps,” said Mrs. Moneyman, building up to the climax of the assembly. “Assistant Principal Richman? Will you please reveal the three steps of the New Healthy-Body Initiative?”

  With a practiced flourish, Assistant Principal Richman swept the white sheet from the board, revealing the three steps of the New Healthy-Body Initiative.

  Gail, Nancy, and Jerry immediately turned as white as the sheet that had just been removed.

  “Step One!” cried Mrs. Moneyman. “If you are ever seriously injured or see another child seriously injured, you must find Dr. Fell as soon as possible. If he is not directly in front of you, you may need to search the playground for him or even go and knock on his front door.”

  The audience cheered. Gail dropped her head in defeat.

  “Step Two!” cried Mrs. Moneyman. “Once Dr. Fell has administered to your serious injury, you must not return to play on the playground for at least one hour, unless you are feeling better.”

  The audience grumbled a little at this, but gave it a mild cheer just the same. Jerry’s jaw dropped to the floor.

  “Step Three!” cried Mrs. Moneyman. “To ensure the health of our students, all children attending McKinley Grant Fillmore Elementary School are required to visit Dr. Fell for a regular physical examination at least once a month.”

  The audience cheered louder than before. Nancy nearly threw up in her mouth.

  “Excuse me! Excuse me! I have a problem with this!”

  The cheering came to a sudden halt and all eyes turned to PTA Co-President Candice Gloomfellow, who had interrupted the celebration.

  “Candy, what are you doing?” asked PTA Co-President Martha Doomburg.

  PTA Co-President Candice Gloomfellow ignored her partner and plunged on. “Why should our kids see Dr. Fell on a monthly basis? That makes no sense!”

  Gail, Nancy, and Jerry each felt a spark of hope flutter deep within. Was it possible there was an adult who had not yet fallen prey to the spell of Dr. Fell?

  “I would feel much better if those visits were instead conducted weekly,” finished PTA Co-President Candice Gloomfellow, snuffing out the children’s sparks of hope.

  The audience erupted into an even louder cheer as this new suggestion took hold. Mrs. Moneyman finally raised her hands for silence.

  “Your concern is noted, PTA Co-President Candice Gloomfellow,” she said. “But I just don’t know if Dr. Fell has the capacity to see every child in the school on a weekly basis. He is, after all, only one man.”

  The observation that Dr. Fell was only one man brought forth a smattering of boos, which Mrs. Moneyman was able to silence with another raising of her hands.

  “However,” she continued, “far be it from me to judge the abilities of Dr. Fell. Why don’t we ask the man himself? I give you Dr. Fell!”

  The cheering rose to a decibel level unheard within the gymnasium before or since as Dr. Fell stepped out from behind the crowd of parents and bounded onto the stage carrying his black bag with the white bone handle, his purple top hat waggling back and forth. He greeted his fawning throng with a simple wave and his trademark beaming smile, letting their adulation rain down upon him. Graced with his actual presence, a number of people—both adults and children—found themselves absently muttering, “What a nice man is Dr. Fell.”

  In three different sections of the gymnasium, Gail’s, Nancy’s, and Jerry’s bodies all went ice-cold.

  “A supremely pleasant good afternoon to you all,” he began, setting his bag down next to him. “While most certainly a monumental undertaking of herculean proportions, I must acknowledge with devout humility the exceeding wisdom in the paramount proposal currently before the floor. Though full implementation may indeed tax my aged bones beyond their capacity and leave me winded and worn, I acquiesce to the prevailing desires of the general consensus.”

  The cheering went silent as every single person in the room struggled to understand just what had been said. Finally, Dr. Fell cleared his throat.

  “What I mean to say is…I’ll do it.”

  And the cheering began once again.

  Amidst the jubilation, Assistant Principal Richman stepped forward to shake the hand of Dr. Fell. “The children, staff, and parents of McKinley Grant Fillmore Elementary School are forever in your debt, Dr. Fell,” he said.

  “I am just doing my part to ensure the good health of these children, who have become so dear to me,” replied Dr. Fell with modesty.

  Mrs. Moneyman approached carrying a large, heavy file folder. “Here are the private medical records of every child attending our school,” she said, handing the folder to Dr. Fell.

  “Most excellent,” stated Dr. Fell, taking the offered folder and quickly flipping through the pages. “Yes. Yes. Saw him just last week. Yes. She was by yesterday. Yes. Yes. Ah!”

  He thumped his forefinger down on a page and looked up, eyes alive with hunger.

  “Here is a boy who has not yet graced my office. I should most definitely see him straight away. In fact, I shall personally escort him directly to my office from this very assembly.”

  The room hushed itself silent. Every child but three leaned forward to learn the identity of the lucky child who would be receiving such personal attention from Dr. Fell. Every child but three prayed that their name would pass from Dr. Fell’s lips. Every child but three inwardly sighed in disappointment knowing they had already visited Dr. Fell and therefore could not be the child to whom he was referring.

  Because every child but one had already been inside the office of Dr. Fell.

  “Could someone,” asked Dr. Fell, “please point out to me a young man by the name of…Jerry Bloom?”

  HEADS TURNED. VOICES WHISPERED. Shoulders shrugged.

  Then Corey Avaricio turned to ask Britney Greedburg if she knew who this Jerry Bloom kid was. Britney wasn’t sure, but she thought it might be the kid sitting between them on the bench.

  His identity uncovered, Jerry quickly found himself propelled down the steps without actually being aware of moving his body. When the sea of students parted and spat him out onto the gymnasium floor, Jerry fell under the scrutiny of intense jealousy. Nearly every child present would have cut off his or her right arm to trade places with Jerry (certain that Dr. Fell would simply reattach the arm during the appointment anyway).

  Of course, Jerry did not share his classmates’ enthusiasm for all things Dr. Fell. Thus, while hundreds of children and adults assumed he must be boiling over with joy, Jerry was, in fact, utterly terrified. That his face did not show this terror was due only to the fact that his face was not, currently, capable of showing any emotion at all, being frozen in shock as it was.


  Jerry desperately wished he had his sister with him to save him from his fate. Or even Nancy. Perhaps had they been by his side, he would have been able to wiggle out of this unwanted honor. Nancy could make up some story about how Jerry couldn’t possibly see Dr. Fell today, and Gail would earnestly point out the need for Jerry to stay in school or some such rule Jerry’s sudden departure would break.

  But they weren’t there. Jerry was alone.

  Actually, he very quickly learned that he wasn’t alone, which was even worse. Coming out of the pack of parents was his mother, Stephanie Bloom, bursting with pride like a mama shark after her baby has gouged and ripped open its first kill. She rushed to his side and immediately began fussing with his hair.

  “I’m so sorry!” she began, again giving Jerry hope that an adult was on to the truth. But of course his mother shattered that hope with her very next sentence. “I don’t know how I went this long without scheduling an appointment for you with Dr. Fell! You must think I’m a horrible mother!”

  He didn’t bother to contradict her. There seemed to be no point.

  “Ah, young Mr. Bloom,” purred Dr. Fell as he noiselessly slid between mother and son. “I am honored to be given this opportunity to attend to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.”

  Dr. Fell wrapped the clammy-but-firm fingers of one hand around Jerry’s arm, his surprisingly strong grip subtly closing the door on any possible escape. Jerry looked to his mother for help but knew right away that she was too far under the spell to intervene.

  “I want to thank all of you for attending this mandatory assembly,” barked Assistant Principal Richman, addressing the remaining audience. “Everyone can go back to their classrooms. Parents? Thank you for coming and supporting the New Healthy-Body Initiative. I’m sure with your help, it’s going to be a huge success.”

  Dismissed, people began filing out of the room in an orderly fashion.

  “Come, my child,” said Dr. Fell, smiling down at Jerry and picking up the black bag with the white bone handle with his free hand. “Let us see to your health.”