Ne'er Do Well

by Dornford Yates

  “Get at Paterson’s history, and that might appear. Who sent St Amant to the Home?”

  “The Yard will have found that out.”

  That Wednesday we lunched with the Avons. As the Rolls slid up the beautiful avenue, Jenny cried out.

  “Stop for a moment, darling. There! Just look at that.”

  She knew Lockley better than I did. I might well have gone by.

  The prospect was truly rare. A ride had been cut through the bracken, to stretch like an emerald carpet for more than a hundred yards. From that point, the ground went falling out of our view. On either hand, flanking the bracken, a mighty bulwark of foliage was turning the ride into a living bailey of great magnificence. And far in the distance, framed by forest and sky, a sparkle of blue and silver declared the open sea. Foliage, fronds and turf – all had been refreshed by the recent rain, and the setting seemed to belong to the days of chivalry. Almost one expected a light-hearted cavalcade to rise into view, moving slowly towards us with hawk and hound and laughter, lords and ladies and horses so pleased with life. I found it tragic indeed that the ninth Earl of Avon and Lippe, being two-thirds blind, had never felt the tug of this prospect for more than thirty-five years.

  We were home soon after four, and as we were finishing tea, I thought I heard Falcon’s voice.

  Jenny, with Oakham behind her, was off in a flash.

  As I came into the hall –

  “Of course, Superintendent. Bell, you’ll see to the driver. He’s going to stay the night.”

  “Very good, madam.”

  “And please tell Mrs Tufton we want some fresh tea.”

  “Very good, madam.”

  I put out my hand.

  “Superintendent, I’m glad to see you – and very glad indeed that you’re here at four instead of at eight o’clock.”

  Falcon smiled.

  “Both you and Mrs Chandos spoil your guests. To be honest, I feel rather guilty, for I’ve cut out Ne’er-do-well. But I knew that if I went there, it would lengthen my day by two hours: and as I’m rather tired, I thought I’d give it a miss. That’s why I brought my driver. You two are so good to me that I begin to presume.”

  “But, you see, we like you,” said Jenny. “And when it’s all over, you’re going to stay for a week. And we’ll take you to Lockley: we’ve been there to luncheon today.”

  “Isn’t that Lord Avon’s place?”

  “Yes.”

  “We were at Harrow together. I’d like to see him again. And now may I go and wash? And may I ask Bell to get through to Ne’er-do-well? I’d like to speak to Rogers…”

  The call came through, as Falcon sat down to tea.

  Carson appeared.

  “You’re through to the Station, sir.”

  “Please excuse me, Mrs Chandos.” Falcon rose and turned. “Oh, it’s Carson. Carson, I’m very glad to see you again.”

  “It’s nice to see you, sir.”

  As the door closed –

  “Pressing my servant into your service,” said Mansel.

  “I decline to believe that he needs any pressing,” I said. “If he does, he’s changed a lot in the last few years.”

  “As a matter of fact,” said Jenny, “he shares the duty with Bell.”

  “And now you see,” I said, “why we don’t want to let you go.”

  After a minute or two, Falcon came back. “Well, that’s all right,” he said. “Nothing that cannot wait.”

  “When you’ve had your tea,” said Jenny, “you’re coming to see the stables. And then we’ll stroll in the meadows and you shall make friends with the sheep.”

  “How did you know,” said Falcon, “that that was what I wanted to do?”

  “Well, it always refreshes me, and I thought you looked tired.”

  “For the weary mind,” said Mansel, “the Nursery Rhyme provides the perfect salve. Green meadows and mansions and sweet-smelling stalls, and the unaffected friendship of the animal world. Black Sheep, Bo-Peep and Boy Blue – Mrs Chandos can conjure them up as nobody else that I know.”

  “You only say that,” said Jenny, “because I talk to them. They can’t understand the words, but their wonderful instinct tells them all I mean. And they love being talked to, you know. All animals do. Just look at Adamant.”

  “My sweet,” said Mansel, “the communion you held with Adamant shortened my life.”

  “And who,” said Falcon, “is Adamant?”

  “I’ll tell you one day,” said Mansel. “I don’t know that you’ll believe me, but I can always try.”

  And so it was after dinner that Falcon took up his tale.

  “I drove straight to the Yard, of course. There I reported in person and had a long talk. Feeling all over the country is running high. The Home Office has asked to be kept informed. The AC used these words. ‘The reputation of the Yard is at stake as never before. High and low are demanding vengeance. We’ve simply got to get home.’ I’d told him I was staying with you, and he said he was very glad. When I said Colonel Mansel was here, he told me to ‘rope him in’. When I said I was trying to spare the Sisterhood, ‘That’s quite right,’ he said: ‘but don’t forget – Justice comes first. If they hold out on you, they’ve got to be racked. I’m very sorry, but Sanctuary’s out of date.’ He quite agreed that the finding of the poison should be announced on Monday. We framed the announcement together, before I left. Finally, he spoke very kindly. ‘I’ll back you, Falcon, in any action you take. This case may call for some sudden, desperate decision at any time. Take it, and God be with you. I certainly shall. I don’t care what it costs – we’ve got to get home.’

  “Then I went through the stuff on my table.

  “Paterson’s record was normal. ‘A good, conscientious GP. Might well have been a consultant in Harley Street. Assistant to Dr — who, on being asked, recommended him to the Home.’

  “Berryman – not a good chit. Very much what Dallas told me. Subversive of law and order, but disappears if he sees a plain-clothes man. Where there’s a strike, he’ll be in the nearest pub, standing drinks and doing his stuff. Lives with a doting mother in Grosvenor Square. The servants hate his guts.

  “Madame de Porphyry is not staying at The Savoy. She arrived there ten days ago; but when they saw who it was, they said they hadn’t a room. She is Madame la Duchesse de Vairie, notorious even in France. The Duke won’t divorce her, because he’s a very strict Catholic. She’s taken a service flat in — House. Keeps very irregular hours. No evidence yet that she ever drives a grey car. But that’s being followed up. Involved two years ago in a very unsavoury case. The wife of one of her lovers committed suicide. A good many people thought that it wasn’t suicide…

  “Then I went back to my flat, had some dinner sent up, thought things over for a while and went to bed.

  “At nine o’clock the next morning I took the Great West Road.

  “Curfew Place is attractive. The house is not too big – I should say about this size. A pleasant, sheltered garden, bright with flowers. The rest is stabling and paddocks, all in the finest order you ever saw.

  “George Selden received me – a man of few words. I think we all know the type – a steady, unemotional soldier, whom nothing will ever shake. Perfectly groomed; a well-worn country suit that had come out of Savile Row – a concession to Sunday, I guessed, and I was right; beautifully polished shoes.

  “He took me into a pleasant morning-room.

  “As we sat down –

  “‘Your room’s all ready,’ he said. ‘I hope you’ll eat with me. Anything I can do, you’ve only to say the word.’

  “‘I’m sure of that. I’d like to see my man and the lawyer’s clerk. And then, if it’s right by you, we could have a talk.’

  “Selden opened the door and shouted, ‘James’.

  “The butler appeared.

  “‘Tell those two to come here. The Superintendent wants them.’ Selden turned to me. ‘I’m going to see a mare. She’s near her time. Tell James
when you’re ready for me. He’ll ring the bell.’

  “With that, he was gone.

  “I couldn’t help liking the man. Though he’d never mentioned his loss, I could see it had hit him hard. His fine, grey eyes were dull. Life seemed to have lost its savour. His stable-companion was dead.

  “The lawyer’s clerk had little enough to say.

  “‘I’ve sealed his lordship’s desk, sir. That’s in the study, that is. There’s only one drawer locked. I expect you’ve got the key. But I haven’t touched anything. There’s a safe in the office and quite a number of files. But they’re all to do with the horses, and as Major Selden needs them, I let them be.’

  “‘Quite right.’

  “‘And Mr Fenton asked me to tell you, sir, that if you’d like to see him, I’ve only to ring him up.’

  “‘Thank you. I’ll let you know.’

  “He left the room, and Welcome gave me his written report.

  “There was no meat for me in this, but he hadn’t wasted his time. He’d seen all the principal servants within and without. They were broken-hearted. All of them worshipped St Amant. Visitors mostly on Sundays. Luncheon and tea. Sometimes neighbours to dine. But only when St Amant was there. Major Selden ‘lived very quiet’. St Amant was often away for two or three nights – very often at Newmarket, where he stayed at The Jockey Club Rooms. Whenever he stayed in London, he used The Savoy. His body-servant, Bolton, went with him everywhere. When he heard the news, he wanted to rush to the Home: but Major Selden told him that, if he did, he’d have him put under arrest. ‘How d’you think I feel? But it’s not our job.’ Feeling among the lads was running high. ‘Them – nuns… Nice sort of nursing home… More like a slaughter-house…’ They’re counting on you to avenge his lordship’s death.

  “Welcome had little to add.

  “‘I think you should see Bolton, sir. He’ll hardly talk to me.’

  “‘All right.’

  “Then I sent him off to find James and ask him to ring the bell. (This hangs in a miniature belfry, built on to the back of the house. On a still day, you can hear it up on the gallops.) Five minutes later, Selden came tramping in.

  ‘This room all right, Superintendent?’

  “‘As long as no one can hear.’

  “‘I’ll see to that.’ He let out a bellow. ‘James.’

  “The butler appeared.

  “‘Send Bolton here and bring us something to drink.’

  “Beer was served – in two of the finest tankards I’ve ever seen. William the Third, I should say. And Selden lighted a pipe. Then Bolton appeared.

  “‘Stand to the door, Bolton. And knock if anyone comes.’

  “‘Very good, sir.’

  “As the door closed –

  “‘Body-servant,’ said Selden. ‘Been with Jo since the war. Out for blood, poor fellow. I feel the same.’

  “‘I don’t blame you,’ I said. ‘I feel that way myself. And now tell me this, Major Selden. Did anyone know Lord St Amant better than you?’

  “‘Nobody knew him as well. I came to live with him in ’46. Good enough for me. From that day to this, I’ve never slept out of my bed.’

  “‘When did you meet him first?’

  “‘Pulled his ears at Eton in ’32.’

  “‘And after that?’

  “‘Hunting with the Cottesmore. His people lived in the country. I dined at his home once or twice. Really got to know him during the war. Both on the same special duty in 1942. We mucked in together well. I think we fixed things up in ’44. DV, of course. He’d got his eye on this place. And then it came off.’

  “‘With everyone else, I suppose, you’d believed him dead.’

  “‘I went to the Memorial Service.’

  “‘Did you indeed? And then he rose from the dead?’

  “‘You’ve said it, Superintendent. He’d never talk about it. I think he felt he was to blame for not getting word through. Never dreamed he hadn’t been posted as missing. But, if he had, what could he do? He was on his back for three months in the attic of a French farm. Blown up, you know. When he got to the Pyrenees, the snow was down. He got over at last, and the Spaniards picked him up. He broke out of jail and made his way back into France. Then he swam the Bidassoa – he’d had enough of the hills. And then he made Portugal. He never told me all that – I got it from our MA after the war.’

  “‘What a wonderful show. Pity he took it like that.’

  “Selden shook his head and relighted his pipe.

  “‘Well, now let’s come to this business down at the Home. Poison’s been hinted at. That has now been proved. And it wasn’t an accident. Had he any enemies?’

  “‘Looks as though he had one: it’s news to me. You couldn’t help liking Jo.’

  “‘Women?’

  “‘All they wanted to do was to put their arms round his neck. But he never went far with them. He’d never have got tied up. Same as me, you know – a bachelor born and bred.’

  “‘Did he ever go to Paris?’

  “‘From time to time. Grand Prix, you know.’

  “‘Did he ever mention a Madame de Porphyry?’

  “‘Not to me.’

  “‘Alias La Duchesse de Vairie.’

  “‘That’s better. She came here once – I forget who brought her along. Made a dead set at Jo, for all to see. Takes a lot to embarrass me, but…Talked French to him all the time, and all the rest of us English. He answered in English, of course, but it didn’t do any good. When we sat down to luncheon, Jo put her up my end, though she should have been on his right. By God, was she wild? But he couldn’t do anything else. At least he saved the party, more or less.’

  “‘No cause to love him, then?’

  “Selden looked at me.

  “‘Don’t tell me she’s taken the veil?’

  “‘Good God, no,’ said I. ‘But she came to the Home last Sunday and blundered into his room.’

  “‘The devil she did. D’you think…’

  “I shrugged my shoulders.

  “‘She’s down on my list,’ I said. ‘No more than that. Tell me this, Major Selden. Does the name of Berryman mean anything to you?’

  “‘Old ‘Topsy’ Berryman’s brat. He’s got a nuisance value, but nothing more. Not guts enough to be an enemy.’

  “‘A nuisance value. What do you mean by that?’

  “‘Well, he’s known Jo all his life, because their fathers were friends: but he’s fouled his nest for years and nobody speaks to the man: but if he thinks it’s safe, he’ll speak to you. Well, that’s not done, you know. He came up to Jack Benham once: Jack told him then and there that if ever he did it again, he’d give him in charge. But Jo was always so gentle. And so he presumed. Give you a case in point. Jo had been up for the day – to London, I mean. Halfway through dinner that evening he starts to laugh. ‘I forgot to tell you, George, I had a show-down today.’ ‘Who with?’ I said. ‘Berryman.’ ‘What’s he done now?’ said I. ‘I found him waiting at White’s. He’d told the porter that he was to be my guest.’ ‘Good God,’ said I. ‘I hope you warned him off for good and all.’ ‘I said I was sorry I couldn’t ask him to lunch. I may say he was simply filthy: unshaved, no collar on and looked as if he’d slept in his clothes. Because you’re a snob, says he. No, said I. But because, if I did, I should certainly have to resign. Then I called a servant and told him to show him out.’ What d’you think of that, Superintendent?’

  “‘Words fail me,’ said I. ‘But that’s beside the point. Berryman was also a patient down at the Home. Next door but one.’

  “‘God give me strength.’

  “‘He’s down on the list, too. A bit higher up now.’

  “‘Poison,’ said Selden. ‘He might have the guts for that. But he must have thought himself safe.’ He shook his head. ‘I’d put the lady first.’

  “‘Major Selden, I want you to think. You said ‘No enemies’ – and I have produced to you two. Potential ones, of course. Can’t
you think of anyone else?’

  “‘Sorry, Superintendent. My mind was running on racing. Easy enough to make an enemy there. But Jo never did. And now let me think.’

  “We sat in silence for, I’d say, two minutes at least.

  “Then Selden shook his head.

  “‘God forgive me,’ he said, ‘I can’t think of anyone else.’

  “‘No dismissed servant?’

  “‘Oh, no.’

  “‘D’you think he was open with you?’

  “‘That’s my belief.’

  “‘Ever seen him depressed?’

  “‘Never. He didn’t know what it meant.’

  “‘Knocks?’

  “‘Sometimes. He always took ’em with a smile. There was no one like him, Superintendent. Model yourself on Jo, and you couldn’t go wrong.’

  “I took the keys from my pocket.

  “‘Can you identify these?’

  “Selden picked them up. There were only six.

  “‘Writing-table, safe – I’ve got a duplicate – dispatch-case, latch-key – not that he needed that: there was always somebody up. Now what’s that? Oh, I know. Roll-top table in the office: but that is never locked. I don’t know that one, Superintendent.’

  “He was holding up the biggest of all.

  “‘I think,’ I said, ‘that that’s the key of a wall-safe.’ I looked at the makers’ name. ‘Yes, they make safes. I think I’m probably right.’

  “Selden stared.

  “‘I never knew he’d got one.’

  “‘They’re very small safes, you know. All right for jewellery.’

  “‘He’d very little of that, and he never locked it up.’

  “‘It’s probably here somewhere – behind a picture, perhaps.’

  “‘We’ll have a look. No, wait a minute. Bolton.’

  “The valet entered the room.

  “‘Tell James to come here.’

  “When the butler arrived –

  “The Superintendent says he thinks there’s a wall-safe here.’

  “‘A wall-safe, sir?’

  “I took up the running.

  “‘You may not have seen one, James. All that shows is a little door in the wall. About a foot square. They’re often behind a picture.’