Blanding Castle Omnibus

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘Your need is greater than mine.’

  ‘Well, thanks,’ said Mr Schoonmaker. The momentary brightness seemed to ooze out of him as he climbed into the hammock, leaving him the pessimist he had been. He heaved a sigh. ‘Of course, you’re all wrong, Freddie. There’s no hope for me. I know when I’m licked.’

  ‘Scarcely the spirit of ‘76.’

  ‘She would never consider me for a moment. We don’t play in the same league. Oh well,’ said Mr Schoonmaker, heaving another sigh, ‘there’s always one’s work.’

  A sudden gleam came into Lord Ickenham’s eye. It was as if a thought had occurred to him.

  ‘What are you working on now, Jimmy? Something big, of course?’

  ‘Fairly big. Do you know Florida?’

  ‘Not very well. My time in America was spent out west and in New York.’

  ‘Then you probably don’t know Jupiter Island.’

  ‘I’ve heard of it. Sort of a winter home from home for millionaires, isn’t it?’

  ‘That kind of idea. Club, golf links, tennis, bathing. You rent a cottage for the season.’

  ‘And pay pretty high for it, no doubt?’

  ‘Yes, it comes high. This thing I’m promoting is the same sort of set-up farther down the coast. The venus Island Development Corporation, it’s called. There’ll be a fortune in it.’

  ‘You aren’t looking for capital, I suppose?’

  ‘No difficulty there. Why?’

  ‘I was only thinking, Jimmy, that as your daughter is marrying his nephew, it would be a graceful act to let the Duke in on the ground floor. He’s rolling in money, but he can always do with a bit more. There’s something about the stuff that fascinates him.’

  Mr Schoonmaker was on the verge of sleep, but he was sufficiently awake to reply that he would be glad to do the Duke this good turn. He thanked Lord Ickenham for the suggestion and Lord Ickenham said he always made a point of doing his day’s kind deed.’ His mother, he said, had been frightened by a Boy Scout.

  ‘I expect to pass through this world but once, Jimmy. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do, let me do it now, as the fellow said. How’s the hammock?’

  Mr Schoonmaker snored gently, and Lord Ickenham went off to have a word with the Duke.

  Chapter Eleven

  1

  The Duke of Dunstable was sitting on the terrace, and not only on the terrace but on top of the world with a rainbow round his shoulder. Counting his blessings one by one, he was of the opinion that he had never had it so good. He had not yet approached Lord Emsworth in the matter of the Empress, but he knew that when he did he would be in the pleasant position of dealing in a seller’s market. And he had the comforting thought that, whatever the figure arrived at, it would be all clear profit, with none of the distasteful necessity of paying agent’s commission. The recollection of how nearly he had come to parting with that five hundred pounds to Lavender Briggs still made him shudder.

  And in addition to this, showing that when Providence starts showering its boons on a good man, the sky is the limit, his nephew Archibald, until now a sad burden on his purse, was engaged to be married to the only daughter of a millionaire. How the young poop had done it, he was at a loss to understand, but there it was, and so deep was his contentment that when Lord Ickenham dropped into a chair beside him, he did not even puff at his moustache. He disliked Lord Ickenham, considering him a potty sort of feller whose spiritual home was a padded cell in some not’ too choosy lunatic asylum, but this morning he was the friend of all the world.

  Lord Ickenham was looking grave.

  ‘Hope I’m not interrupting you, Dunstable, if you were doing the crossword puzzle.’

  ‘Not at all,’ said the Duke amiably. ‘I was only thinkin’ a bit.’

  ‘I’m afraid I’ve come to give you more food for thought,’ said Lord Ickenham, ‘and not very agreeable thought, either. It’s very saddening, don’t you feel, how people change for the worse as the years go on?’

  ‘Who does? I don’t.’

  ‘No, not you. You always maintain a safe suds level. I was thinking of poor Schoonmaker.’

  ‘What’s poor about him?’

  There was a look of pain on Lord Ickenham’s face. He was silent for a moment, musing, or so it seemed, on life’s tragedies.

  ‘Everything,’ he said. ‘When I knew James Schoonmaker fifteen years ago in New York, he was a man with a glittering future, and for a time, I understand, he did do extremely well.’ But that’s all in the past. He’s gone right under.’

  ‘Under what?’ said the Duke, who was never very quick at the uptake.

  ‘He’s a pauper. Down to his last thirty cents. Please don’t mention this to anyone, but he’s just been borrowing money from me. It was a great shock.’

  The Duke sat up. This time he did not neglect to puff at his moustache. It floated up like a waterfall going the wrong way.

  ‘But he’s a millionaire!’

  Lord Ickenham smiled sadly.

  ‘That’s what he’d like you to believe. But I have friends in New York who keep me posted from time to time about the fellows I used to know there, and they have told me his whole story. He’s down to his last dollar, and his bankruptcy may be expected at any moment. You know how it is with these American financiers. They over-extend themselves. They bite off more than they can chew, and then comes the inevitable smash. A flyer means a lot to Schoonmaker at this moment.’ A tenner was what he wanted just now, and I gave it to him, poor devil. I hadn’t the heart to refuse. This is strictly between you and me, of course, and I wouldn’t like it to be spread about, but I thought I ought to warn you about him.’

  The Duke’s eyes were protruding like a snail’s. His moustache was in a constant state of activity. Not even little George had ever seen it giving so sedulously of its best.

  ‘Warn me? If the feller thinks he’s going to get tuppence out of me, he’ll be disappointed.’

  ‘He’s hoping for more than tuppence. I’m afraid he’s planning to try to talk you into putting up money for some wildcat scheme he’s got. As far as I could make out, it’s some sort of land and building operation down in Florida. The Venus Island Development Corporation he calls it. The very name sounds fishy, don’t you think? Venus Island, I mean to say! There probably isn’t such a place. What’s worrying me is that you may feel tempted to invest, because he’ll make the thing sound so good. He’s very plausible. But don’t dream of doing it.’ Be on your guard.’

  ‘I’ll be on my guard,’ said the Duke, breathing heavily.

  Lord Ickenham waited a moment in case the other might wish to thank his benefactor, but as he merely continued to breathe heavily, he made his way back to the hammock.’ He found Mr Schoonmaker sitting up and looking brighter. He was glad to hear that his nap had done him good.

  ‘Headache gone?’

  Mr Schoonmaker considered this.

  ‘Well, not gone,’ he said.’ He was a man who liked exactness of speech. ‘But it’s a lot better.’

  ‘Then what I wish you would do, Jimmy, is go and see the Duke and tell him all about that Venus Island thing of yours. I’ve just been talking to him, and oddly enough, he was saying he wished he could find some business opportunity which would give him the chance of having a little flutter. He’s a great gambler at heart.’

  Mr Schoonmaker disapproved of his choice of words. A man with a hangover of the dimensions of the one from which he was suffering finds it difficult to bridle, but he did his best.

  ‘Gambler? What do you mean, gambler? The Venus Island Development Corporation’s as sound as Fort Knox.’

  ‘I’m sure it is,’ said Lord Ickenham soothingly. ‘Impress that on him. Give him a big sales talk.’

  ‘Why?’ said Mr Schoonmaker, still ruffled, ‘I don’t want his money.”

  ‘Of course you don’t. You’ll be doing him a great favour by allowing him to buy in. But for goodness’ sake don’t let him see that. You know how proud these dukes a
re. They hate to feel under an obligation to anyone. Seem eager, Jimmy.’

  ‘Oh, all right,’ said Mr Schoonmaker grudgingly. ‘Though it’s funny having to wheedle someone into accepting shares in something that’ll quadruple his money in under a year.”

  ‘We’ll have a good laugh about it later,’ Lord Ickenham assured him.’

  ‘You’ll find him on the terrace,’ he said. ‘I told him you might be looking in.’

  He nestled into the vacated hammock, and was in the process of explaining to his guardian angel, who had once more become critical, that there is no harm in deviating from the truth a little, if it is done in a good cause, and that the interview which Mr Schoonmaker was about to have with the Duke of Dunstable, though possibly wounding to his feelings, would make him forget his headache, when he became aware of Archie Gilpin at his side.

  Archie was looking as beautiful as ever, but anxious.

  ‘I say,’ he said. ‘I saw you talking to Uncle Alaric.’

  ‘Yes, we had a chat.’

  ‘What sort of mood is he in?’

  ‘He seemed to me a little agitated.’ He was annoyed because an attempt was being made to get money out of him.’

  ‘Oh, my God!’

  ‘Or, rather, he was expecting such an attempt to be made. That always does something to the fine old man. Did you ever read a book called The Confessions of Alphonse, the reminiscences of a French waiter? No, I suppose not, for it was published a number of years ago, long before you were born. At one point in it Alphonse says “Instantly as a man wishes to borrow money of me, I dislike him. It is in the blood. It is more strong than me.” The Duke’s like that.’

  Archie Gilpin reached for his hair and was busy for awhile with the customary scalp massage. There was a bleakness in his voice when at length he spoke.

  ‘Then you wouldn’t recommend an immediate try for that thousand?’

  ‘Not whole-heartedly. But what’s your hurry?’

  ‘I’ll tell you what’s my hurry. I had a letter from Ricky this morning. He says he can only give me another week to raise the money. If I don’t give it him by then, he’ll have to get somebody else, he says.’

  ‘A nuisance, I agree. That kind of ultimatum is always un-pleasant. But much may happen in a week. Much, for that matter, may happen in a day. My advice to you —’

  But Archie was not destined to receive that advice, which would probably have been very valuable, for at this moment Mr Schoonmaker appeared, and he sidled off. The father of his betrothed, now that he had made his acquaintance, always gave him a sort of nervous feeling akin to what are sometimes called the heebie-jeebies and he was never completely at his ease in his presence. It was the tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles principally that did it, he thought, though possibly the square jaw contributed its mite.

  Mr Schoonmaker stood looming over the hammock like a thundercloud.

  ‘You and your damned Dukes!’ he said and Lord Ickenham raised his eyebrows.

  ‘My dear Jimmy! It may be my imagination, but a certain half-veiled something in your manner seems to suggest that your conference with Dunstable was not an agreeable one. What happened? Did you broach the subject of the venus Island Development Corporation?’

  ‘Yes, I did,’ said Mr Schoonmaker, taking time out for a snort similar in its resonance to the shot heard round the world. ‘And he acted as if he thought I was some sort of con.’ man. Did you tell him I’d borrowed money from you?’

  Lord Ickenham’s eyes widened.’ He was plainly at a loss.

  ‘Borrowed money from me? Of course not.’

  ‘He said you did.’

  ‘How very extraordinary. How much am I supposed to have lent you?’

  ‘Ten pounds.’

  ‘What a laughable idea! The sort of sum a man like you leaves on the plate for the waiter when he’s had lunch. What on earth can have put that into his head?’ Lord Ickenham’s face cleared. ‘I’ll tell you what I think must have misled him, Jimmy. I remember now that I was talking to him about the old days in New York, when we were both young and hard up and I would sometimes sting you for a trifle and you would sometimes sting me for a trifle, according to which of us happened to have anything in his wallet at the moment, and he got it all mixed up. very muddle-headed man, the Duke. His father, I believe, was the same. So were his sisters and his cousins and his aunts. Well, I must say the thought of someone of your eminence panhandling me for a tenner is a very stimulating one. It isn’t everyone who gets his ear bitten by a millionaire. How did you leave things with Dunstable?’

  ‘I told him he was crazy and came away.’

  ‘Very proper. And what are you planning to do now?’

  A faint blush spread itself over Mr Schoonmaker’s face.’

  ‘I thought I might go and see if Lady Constance would like a stroll in the park or something.’

  ‘Connie,’ Lord Ickenham corrected. ‘You won’t get anywhere if you don’t think of her as Connie.’

  ‘I won’t get anywhere if I do,’ said Mr Schoonmaker morosely.

  The morning was now pleasantly warm and full of little soothing noises, some contributed by the local insects, others by a gardener who was mowing a distant lawn, and it was not long after Mr Schoonmaker’s departure before Lord Ickenham’s eyes closed and his breathing became soft and regular. He was within two breaths of sleep, when a voice spoke.’

  ‘Hoy!’ it said, and he sat up.

  ‘Hullo, Dunstable. You seem upset.’

  The Duke’s eyes were popping, and his moustache danced in the breeze.

  ‘Ickenham, you were right!’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘About that Yank, that feller Stick-in-the-Mud. Not ten minutes after you’d warned me he was going to do it, he came to me and started trying to get me to put up money for that Tiddlypush Island scheme of his.’

  Lord Ickenham gave a low whistle.’

  ‘You don’t say!’

  ‘That’s what he did.’

  ‘So soon! One would have expected him to wait at least till he had got to know you a little better. He was very plausible, of course?’

  ‘Yes, very.’

  ‘He would be. These fellows always specialize in the slick sales talk. You weren’t taken in, I hope?’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘No, of course not. You’re much too level-headed.’

  ‘I sent him off with a flea in his ear, by Jove!’

  ‘I see. I don’t blame you.’ Still, it’s very embarrassing.’

  ‘Who’s embarrassed? I’m not.’

  ‘I was only thinking that as your nephew is going to marry his daughter …’

  The Duke’s jaw fell.

  ‘Good God! I’d forgotten that.’

  ‘I should try to bear it in mind from now on, if I were you, for it is a matter that affects you rather deeply. It’s lucky you’re a rich man.”

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘Well, you’re going to have to support Archie and the girl, and not only them but Schoonmaker and his sisters. I believe he has three of them.’

  ‘I won’t do it!’

  ‘Can’t let them starve.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘You mean you think we all eat too much nowadays? Quite true, but it won’t do you any good if they go about begging crusts of bread and telling people why.’ Can’t you see the gossip columns in Tilbury’s papers? They’d really spread themselves.’

  The Duke clutched at the hammock, causing Lord Ickenham to oscillate and feel a little seasick.’ He had overlooked this angle, and none knew better than he how blithely, after what had occurred between them, the proprietor of the Mammoth Publishing Company would spring to the task of getting a certain something of his own back.’

  A thought struck him.’

  ‘Why should Archibald beg crusts of bread?’

  ‘Wouldn’t you, if suffering from the pangs of hunger?’

  ‘He has a salaried position.’

  ‘No longer.”

 
; ‘Eh?’

  ‘They handed him his hat.”

  ‘His hat? How do you mean, his hat?’

  ‘Putting it another way, his services were dispensed with last week.’

  ‘What!’

  ‘So he told me.’

  ‘He never said anything about it to me.”

  ‘Probably didn’t want to cause you anxiety. He’s a very considerate young man.’

  ‘He’s a poop and a waster!’

  ‘I like his hair, though, don’t you? Well, that’s how matters stand, and I’m afraid it’s going to cost you a lot of money. I don’t see how you’re going to do it under two or three thousand a year. For years and years and years. Great drain on your resources. What a pity it isn’t possible for you just to tell Archie to break the engagement.’ That would solve everything. But of course you can’t do it.’

  ‘Why can’t I? It’s an excellent idea. I’ll go and find him now, and if he raises the slightest objection, I’ll kick his spine up through his hat.’

  ‘No, wait. You still haven’t got that toehold on the situation which I should like to see. You’re forgetting the breach of promise case.

  ‘What breach of promise case?’

  Lord Ickenham’s manner was that of a patient governess explaining a problem in elementary arithmetic to a child who through no fault of its own had been dropped on the head when a baby.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious? If Archie were to break the engagement, the girl’s first move would be to start an action for breach of promise. Even if the idea didn’t occur to her independently, a man like Schoonmaker would see that she did it, and the jury would give her heavy damages without leaving the box. Archie tells me he has written her any number of letters.’

  ‘How can he have written her letters when they’re staying in the same dashed house?’

  ‘Notes would perhaps be a better term. Fervid notes slipped into her hand by daylight or pushed under her door at night. You know what lovers are.”

  ‘Sounds potty.”

  ‘But is frequently done, I believe, when the heart is young.’

  ‘He may not have mentioned marriage.’

  ‘I wouldn’t build too much on that. I know he asked me once how to spell “honeymoon”, which shows the trend his thoughts were taking. You can’t speak of honeymoons in a letter to a girl without laying up trouble for yourself.’ When you consider what a mere reference to chops and tomato sauce did to Mr Pickwick —’