Please Don't Tell My Parents (Book 3): I've Got Henchmen

by Richard Roberts

  Barbara thumped the knuckles of her fists on the tabletop, still glaring death at the heavily concealed merchant. “I don't have to fight you. Do you want to try to tell Spider, with my sister watching, that this doesn't count as attacking a superhero's family?”

  That hit home. “I would have sold this item to any supervillain.” It sounded defensive rather than confident, but stubbornly defensive.

  Sensing an opening, I gave Barbara's elbow a squeeze, and a little tug, proposing, “Compromise. You don't want the book back. We'll accept the sale and get rid of it, but you throw in for free something that isn't trapped. Barbara gets to pick.”

  The clothes horse and the clothes heap glared at each other for several seconds, and then said together, “Fine.”

  The offending book, a ratty old hardback with a flimsy brass lock and key, lay where it was as Barbara's fingers sorted through the rest of what looked like a very pretty junk pile. Underneath a heavily engraved silver dish, she found a much thinner book, with the title 'Pudgy Bunny Has A Magic Hat.' Sure enough, it had an adorable and very fat white cartoon bunny wearing a classic pointy witch or wizard's hat on the cover.

  Her sixth grade friend went from 'scared' to 'offended' so fast, it had to be a super power. “That? It's a kid's picture book!”

  Whatever was in the robe snickered. Barbara pushed the Pudgy Bunny book into her companion's hands, saying, “Yes. You start reading with Dr. Seuss. You start magic with Pudgy Bunny.”

  The eleven year old, with her short brown hair pulled back into what was more a brush than a ponytail, and wearing a t-shirt with anime characters I didn't recognize on it, looked completely at home flipping through the Pudgy Bunny book. She probably wouldn't want to hear that, but it was true. That left me to wave at the controversial volume and ask Barbara, “So, I guess you take this?”

  She jerked back like the thing was on fire. “What?! No! I can't touch it. I… you take it.”

  “If it's not safe to touch, how-”

  “It's fine if you don't read it. I just… I wouldn't be able to stop myself.” Her fingers twitched greedily as she looked at the book, so she turned her head away. “Hide it somewhere, or destroy it in some spectacular, overkill way. Please.”

  Well, I already had a cursed statue. I slid the book into my backpack, and the ragged cloth over the hard cover felt completely ordinary. As I zipped up the bag, I looked around worriedly at the kids at the other tables. Tables selling guns, blades, mad science, more magic, bottles of I-had-no-idea-what. “I wish I could tell everybody not to buy anything.”

  Brush hair girl blinked hazel eyes up at me. “Well, do it.”

  “Why would they listen to me?”

  “…because you're the club president?” Were sixth graders allowed to be that sarcastic? More importantly, were they allowed to be smarter than me?

  Even Claire wasn't sticking up for me. Come to think of it, Claire and Ray had both vanished. Where were they?

  Looking around trying to spot them meant I was right there watching when Marcia grabbed the big metal guy's wrist and complained, “Hey! You can't be done with the fights already. I wanted to challenge you!”

  He gave her a skeptical smirk, one eyebrow raised so high you could see it even on a metal face. He had one of the deepest voices I'd ever heard, too. “Child, you don't have the strength, and a gentleman does not hit children, nohow.”

  “And if I do have the strength?” Marcia looked like she would explode from eagerness. She was bouncing on the balls of her feet. The sarcastic, poised blonde I'd hated for three years was gone, replaced by this scruffy, too-friendly adrenalin junkie I didn't recognize.

  Uh, actually, wasn't this conversation a really bad idea?

  The metal guy drew himself up, puffing out his chest, offering his flat belly like a slab of steel to her. “Contrariwise, a gentleman is always gracious, especially to a little girl. You must have something you are proud of. Show me.”

  Yes, this was a terrible, terrible idea. I had to do something, without starting an even bigger fight.

  There wasn't any time. Marcia didn't wait. She punched the guy in the stomach. All the first punch produced was a faint clink and a wince of pain on her face, but that didn't matter. It was only the first punch of a rapidfire series of lefts and rights that must have come from her martial arts training. By the fourth or fifth, the metal guy started to feel it. By the time the series ended, he was the one wincing, bending in the middle by reflex. During that stunned moment she stepped in, wrapped her arms around her waist, and bent backwards in a perfect suplex.

  He hit the floor with wash of shadow and a loud enough thunk to make everyone in the building look, but he climbed immediately back to his feet, even if he had to brace himself on one hand. Metal Face gave Marcia a grin. “Child, you do have my attention, so you do.”

  Marcia giggled, and cracked her knuckles. “A hundred bucks I can leave a fist-shaped dent in you.”

  Okay, this… might work itself out. At least, it was a slow disaster, and could wait. What was happening to all the kids who had disappeared? I needed someone to find them and corral them. Someone who had been here before, and knew the places to check. Super speed would be nice.

  Cassie's blue hair was not hard to spot, and sure enough, next to it was Will's eternally wind-swept red hair. The owners of those hairstyles were in the dark, empty shop with the fortune-telling pinball machine.

  The machine's dozen fake eyes turned to look at me when I entered the room. That would be creepy, if its ability to tell the future wasn't already creepier.

  Will had one of the machine's fortune cards, and was holding it up and away as Cassie made half-hearted swipes at it.

  “Come on! What does it say?”

  He shook his head, grinning like a fool. “Nope. This one's personal.”

  “Is it about me? It's about me, isn't it?”

  I interjected myself. “Can that argument wait? I need Will's help. I'm worried that by the time Bull gets back, there won't be anybody left. Will, can you run around and find everyone, and… tell them… that Marcia's getting in a fight, and they'd better come quick?”

  “Iiiiii don't know. I've got kind of important business here…” He turned that grin back onto Cassie.

  No super brains were required to see where this was going. Might as well play along. “If you do it, she'll kiss you.”

  Cassie jumped in surprise. “I'll what?!”

  “Done!” Will agreed, before she could object further.

  “And… and… and tell them not to buy anything they couldn't take home and show their parents.”

  That was sufficiently serious that it interrupted both Will's grin and Cassie's look of outrage. He nodded. She said, “Oh, yeah, good idea.”

  Will didn't move. Cassie didn't move. Just as I wondered if I needed to say anything, Will's grin came back, and he leaned a little closer to Cassie. “Payment in advance.”

  She sighed, smirking and rolling her eyes in friendly, amused exasperation. Grabbing his shirt, she pulled him up to her. His hands caught her shoulders, pulling her even closer. They kissed. It was definitely not one-sided, or platonic.

  Wow. Um.

  When they let go, Will gave me a playful nod. “I've got a job to do.”

  He ran off so fast that he almost disappeared. All he left was the little white fortune card, fluttering to the floor.

  Cassie crouched down to pick it up. With that same bland, cynical smirk she looked at it, then flipped it around in her fingers for me to read:

  'In six minutes, you will kiss the girl standing next to you.'

  Her voice oozing sarcasm, she said, “Yeah, I thought so.”

  I felt a little awkward just having watched that kiss, but Cassie was totally unruffled. All of a sudden, jealousy burned through me in a rush. If only I could be half that confident in my romantic life!

  Cassie was so at ease that she had the luxury of giving me some of that jaded exasperation. “He's going to be
impossible to deal with for a month, just like last time. You know that, right?”

  Er. At that level of awkwardness, I just said what popped into my head. “If it's like that, why don't you date? You like him, too.”

  She gave a quick head shake. “It's not like that.”

  I might have believed that, if I hadn't just seen them kiss, and how they kissed.

  My expression must have been impressive, because Cassie's scolding dissolved into giggles. Raising her hands, she insisted, “No, really! Yeah, we've been friends since I moved in with Rachel and Ruth, and we're attracted to each other, but that's… it. There's nothing else. No extra spark. Will's even got a girl he's actually mooning over.”

  That made me blink. “What? Really?” I honestly would have put down money that Cassie was his crush.

  She nodded. She was so casual about this. When it came to supervillainy, Cassie was more gleefully, impetuously juvenile than Marcia. Now, talking about her love life, she sounded more mature than most adults. “He's got it bad for Entropy's little sister. Real bad, but he hardly ever gets to talk to her. She's home schooled, because she can't pass for human.” Shrugging with one shoulder, Cassie added, “And as for me, everyone I'm interested in is in a relationship already.”

  I had to avert my eyes when she looked into them. That knowing, amused little smile saw right through me, and all of my clumsy cowardice in dealing with Ray.

  Salvation arrived in the form of the pacifist wing of the super powered kids' club. Barbara, Jacky, and the girl with the beaded hair dragged Sue to me by the arms. Sue wasn't actually resisting. She just looked out of it.

  “Tell Penny,” Barbara insisted.

  Uh oh. “What's wrong?”

  Sue looked left, right, along the floor, everywhere else before she finally made herself look at me. She'd been Marcia's closest partner in mockery a few months ago. Maybe it was hard to come to the geeks for help. But she forced out the words anyway. “You have to do something. I think Marcia's going to get hurt.”

  I'd been trying to screen out the fight. Now I looked past my friends to where Marcia punched away at the metal guy's midsection with her left arm while her obviously broken right flopped, pulling itself back into shape joint by joint. Definitely a queasy sight, but I was almost getting used to it.

  Sue did not look used to it. Her expression had gone from uncomfortable to begging. “She's not healing as much as she thinks she is. Please, Akk. You've got to do something.”

  The chrome-shiny supervillain raised his hands and took a step back, but Marcia clearly wasn't interested in calling the fight off. I heard her yell “Chicken?” and “Anybody?”

  I chewed on my lower lip. Okay. “We need someone to distract her, so she can cool off. Someone she can fight, but who will keep her busy without hurting her. Now I wish I hadn't run Will off.” His super speed ought to do it.

  What else had I just stepped in? Barbara, Sue, and Jacky looked various levels of thoughtful, but their friend looked suddenly miserable and defeated.

  I'd never given her a close look before. There were, like, forty kids in the club. Maybe more. Claire knew them all their names and powers, and maybe Ray, but I didn't. She was thin, with some of the blackest skin I'd ever seen. 'Thin' might give the wrong impression. She was, yes, but not in a bony, skinny way. It was more like she was the opposite of Barbara. Where the goth was all hourglass curves and baby fat, this girl was straight lines and sharp angles. I could imagine guys thinking either one was pretty, but in totally different ways.

  And now she looked like I'd punched her. Hoping I wasn't making this worse, I said, “What? If you want to challenge her, go right ahead. Barbara and Jacky won't like you less if you want to be a fighting hero. Or villain.”

  She let out a faint, longing squeak, and then snapped at me, “Have you seen what I do? My power makes jewelry. I can't fight with that.” Her hair, dozens of shoulder-length, string-thin braids, lifted up around her head like Medusa's snakes, dragged up by the beads strung on each braid. Some of them slipped free, and as the girl twirled a finger, they spun around her head like orbiting satellites. Larger beads sprung off bracelets around her wrists to join them.

  “I don't have a combat power.” She turned her face down, scowling. The beads maintained their orbit as she pinched the bridge of her nose, and waved the other hand at me. “This isn't about me. Sue and Marcia need help.”

  I looked back up at Marcia, advancing on the metal guy as he tried to back up. I looked down at the thin, dark, high schooler in front of me. “I… would say your powers are just what we need right now. This place is full of beads, marbles, little gems – it's an arsenal for you. Can you roll them around under her feet? It's hard enough to walk on marbles when you're excited. I bet it's impossible if the marbles can move on their own. Go on! Keep her busy!”

  She gave me a stunned look. I was getting a lot of these. Was it that hard to believe you can be a hero or a villain? My only problem had been nobody believing me, not self-confidence.

  Pushing her towards the center of the mall, I remembered my fight with Sharky, and warned, “Just don't stick beads in her nose or mouth. She might choke.”

  Jewelry controlling girl – I mentally named her 'Beaddown' – stumbled a step. Again, she looked like I'd slapped her, but this time she came out of it with a fierce, inspired grin.

  Strutting out into the main hall, she lifted a hand and clenched her fist. A bead curtain left over from Chinatown's day life shattered, roaring like a sandstorm over our heads to join the orbit now circling Beaddown's waist. “Bradley!” she shouted, “You still want to bet? I'll match that hundred bucks that you can't even touch me.”

  A gust of wind, a scraping sound, and Will lurched to a halt next to me. “I found your boyfriend, but he's upstairs, and I don't think I should interrupt him.”

  What?

  I didn't bother trying to drill through Will's deliberate mystery. The real message was that I should see for myself, and I had better go see for myself right now.

  I'd done a fantastic job of making that impossible, by putting a whirlwind of jewelry and a violence drunk ex-cheerleader between me and the escalators.

  The escalators were visible. I was wearing my teleport bands. Forget it, almost everyone was distracted, almost everyone who wasn't knew who I was, and the rest didn't know that teleporting was Bad Penny's thing and not Penny Akk's. I took a step forward, the world blinked, and I was standing on the moving steps. I only had to take one deep breath to clear the sudden exertion.

  The escalator reached the top just as I realized I hadn't been embarrassed by Will's use of 'your boyfriend.' Well, I was in full on Team Leader mode, with a team twenty times the size it used to be. Confidence, thy name is, was, and shall always be Bad Penny.

  Admittedly, there was just the teensiest worry I'd find Ray busy with a girl.

  Finding him busy with Master Scorpion was better, but not by much.

  The first words out of Ray's mouth were the best I could have hoped for. His whole upper body cocked forward at a respectful angle, he told the old martial artist, “I am sorry, Master Scorpion. I have thought deeply about your offer, and decided that I do not wish to be a supervillain.”

  Master Scorpion might have been bare to the waist just to show off how totally, rock-muscled in-shape he was, as a reminder that despite the gaunt, severe face he wasn't really that old. The man could also win contests for his arrogantly straight posture. He did not look like a man who took 'no' for an answer well, so it was a bit of a surprise when he smiled and answered, “Good.”

  Ray's bow didn't falter, but he did peer up at Master Scorpion in surprise.

  The old guy's smirk widened. “Do you think my goal in life is to steal and threaten people? They are reluctant tools to an end, tools forced on me by the world's embrace of Joe the Fist. These-” and he waved his hand at the sour-faced ninja types waiting behind him, “-are content to live that way. I am not. When Joe the Fist has been put in his
place, when dignity has been restored to our school, I will return to the East and tour the temples and the training halls, learning all there is to know of both strength and wisdom. I have no use for an apprentice who loves greed and violence for their own sake.”

  I about fell over as I reached the top, and the escalator handrail slipped away from me. My hand fumbled for the mezzanine's railing instead, suddenly weak because Ray didn't immediately refuse.

  It took him several seconds, and even then he spoke slowly. “I… do not… have the peace and focus for such a life, Master Scorpion. I would… not enjoy it, and would disappoint you.”

  “But you want that peace and focus. You want to learn it. You wish to see mountains and jungles, and hear the stories of old men who have each spent a century learning different truths.”

  Ray didn't respond. Scorpion's smile didn't widen, exactly, but he more and more gave off the confidence of someone winning an argument. His voice was gentle, but with a steel backbone of certainty. “I know the face of a man who has nothing holding him here but obligations, Reviled. I have seen it in the mirror often enough.”

  Criminy. Come on, Ray. Tell him he's full of it. Why haven't you told him he's full of it already? Do you not like being with me?

  An especially loud, shrill yell tore all of our attentions away. Marcia floated gently up even with us, suspended by a cloud of beads. Well, the floating was gentle. Marcia herself trashed, kicking and swiping away the beads, but there were so many that she never quite fell free. She just bobbed and spun around, head down, head up, facing us, away from us.

  “The next person who throws me up in the air is going to get hit so hard, it will travel back in time and kill their parents!” Marcia screeched.

  A lot of hissing and gasps sounded from the martial arts guys hanging around Master Scorpion. It was Witch Hunter, with all his grey leather and swords, who said out loud why. “The Pure Fist scrolls!”

  Oh, yeah. Ha! Marcia was still carrying them tucked into the back of her belt. Those were kind of a big deal to these guys, huh?