Sex, Lies and the Dirty

by Nik Richie

  We named you Press because you were the daughter of two affluent people, but we wanted you to have your own gravity. To us, the name had its own distinction. Should you ever want to be an actress or artist or singer, we wanted you to have that. As I’ve illustrated, names can mean much more than what people call you. Sometimes they carry grandeur, infamy, elegance. One day you’ll grow up to be somebody. We know that. In a way, it’s already started.

  The day after you were born, TMZ posted your baby photo for the world to see. Not even a day old and you were already making headlines. Reporters and journalists wrote about you. Press Richie already brought back more Google search results than most adults. You were famous without even knowing what fame was. And we loved you to pieces.

  I used to videotape myself on trips and out at these clubs. I’d get footage of whatever suite I was staying in. It was my way of sharing myself with the world, but then I started doing it with you. On Easter you sneezed three times, scowled, and then gave me a smile. On New Year’s you cooed at the camera and chewed your fingers. I was uploading these to YouTube, sharing my daughter with the world, but I was also chronicling your life. You can go back and watch yourself grow up, and so can I. Everyone can.

  The world is changing, and it’ll be much different by the time you’re old enough to read this. All of us will be different, including your mom and myself. If we seem overprotective, it’s because we know what’s out there. If you feel like we don’t understand what you’re going through in life, we do. We’ve both been where you are. We can give you the advice to get through it.

  And there are going to be some people that try to tell you who your father was, the kind of person he used to be. They’ll say he was a bad guy who hurt a lot of people. They’ll say he created something that served as an avenue for gossip and lies and lawsuits. Perhaps there’s some validity in that. I’ve always thought that my breed of honesty was something most people weren’t ready for. Or they didn’t want it because it made them examine themselves. The point is that you’ll grow up in an age in which everyone is a public figure. You’ll be able to research yourself and your parents. You’ll be able to see every little thing that was said about your family, and some of it won’t be nice. Some of it will be hurtful.

  We’ll handle it.

  In the end, it’s all just talk. Words.

  Even if what you read here changes the way you look at me, just remember what your mother said on our first date: The past is the past. It’s behind us now.

  You’ve got a very bright future, Pressy.

  My daughter Press Dahl Lamas-Richie at one year of age.

  Exit

  I’ve been saying for years that everyone has dirt.

  Everybody lies. Cheats. Everyone has a secret of some kind they don’t want the world to know about. Even me, the guy who runs this operation, has a past I’m not completely proud of. Everyone has dirt, but the degree of it varies from person to person. Sometimes it’s a girl that Photoshops herself into someone she’s not. Other times it’s a guy selling drugs in a club. No one is perfect. Literally every individual you encounter in life has done something wrong. Your friends. Your family. Celebrities. Non-celebrities. And yes, even Sarah Jones.

  David Gingras and I are in the middle of the appeals process when it happens. The story breaks that Sarah had sex with one of her students on Dixie Heights High property. By this point, she’s already resigned from her teaching post at the high school, citing “personal reasons.” It doesn’t go into any further detail than that. “Personal reasons” is all she says, but one can assume she means Nik Richie and the ongoing lawsuit that she has with him. Or her failed relationship that she mentioned (but didn’t really want to talk about) on Anderson Cooper. What comes over the wire is that she got indicted on charges of first-degree sexual abuse. The boy is sixteen, a student athlete. Allegedly, the relationship between the two occurred between October 1st and December 31st. Both Sarah Jones and her mother81 get charged for tampering with electronic evidence.

  So this story breaks and the world is shocked because everyone thought they had it right. I don’t really know which was easier: betting on Sarah Jones or betting against Nik Richie. I think it’s easy to see someone, a teacher, a crying girl, and want to pat them on the shoulder. Defend them. Fight for them. It’s easy to get suckered into the “poor me” act, and a lot of people did. Anderson Cooper fell for it. So did Chris Cuomo and the guys over at 20/20. Pretty much every major news outlet, even the ones that traditionally report neutrally, sided with Sarah and her crusade to take down Nik Richie. All they did was illustrate the point I’ve been making for years: everyone, even someone as seemingly virtuous as Sarah Jones, has dirt.

  Sometimes it never comes to light.

  In Sarah’s case, it did. Nationally.

  Everywhere is reporting this story about Sarah and the young boy, and there’s a lot of chatter about how this makes her case against me null and void since most of it’s based on character. Reputation. Essentially, you can’t say a site ruined you if you were fucking sixteen-year-old boys. None of the people are apologizing to me, but the air has shifted. Nik Richie might not be as bad as everyone thought. Maybe he has a point. And then Nancy Grace jumps all over it because she was one of the few people that didn’t twist her ankle hopping on the Sarah Jones bandwagon. Unlike Anderson and 20/20, she doesn’t make that mistake. She does an hour-long special on Sarah Jones and the sex scandal, and this is literally the only time in the history of television that Nik Richie has been shown in a favorable light. Nancy gives me a little bit of grief about the “Why are all high school teachers freaks in the sack?” line, but the majority of the episode is all about Sarah and how fucked-up this is.

  I’m still not the good guy. I’m still not a role model or the person you want your kids to grow up to be. This time, in this moment, the perceived villain gets to play hero. This game of being Nik Richie and running The Dirty has always been about small victories. Minor steps in the right direction. A little luck. A fucking great lawyer. A new wave of social media that was wanted, demanded, but not everyone was ready for. The formula of Reality Internet was simple enough in theory, but the application and maintaining its survival is a complicated algorithm. Sometimes a mistake had to be made in order to keep it going. An identity had to be compromised. The last fifteen years of my life have been an odd sort of domino effect, and it all comes to a head with Sarah Jones.

  People now understand that dirt is everywhere, and it turns up in the places you least expect it. Sarah and I will have our time in court, and the result of it doesn’t really matter in the end because there’s always someone else. There’s always another Sarah Jones. There’s always another lawsuit waiting to happen, someone out to take me down. Maybe it’s a politician or a social worker or the manager of a clothing store. They could be anyone.

  The pattern is cyclical.

  For every new lawsuit, there’s another celebrity scandal. For every Leper and Alien, there’s another Dirty Celeb just waiting to happen. A younger, blonder Scooby Snack. An even more pretentious Freddy Fags. Out with the old, in with the new. They’ll keep cropping up and they’ll keep being posted. There’s always another. Another club, another better Vegas venue. Another promoter. Another DJ. The scene was around before Nik Richie, and it’ll keep going long after I’m gone.

  One day I’ll stop.

  Either under my own accord or should the domino effect take the wrong turn. I’ll bow out eventually. The Dirty isn’t how it was when it first started. It’s a job. A paycheck. If I do an appearance, I’m not getting obliterated and figuring out which chicks I want to bang. I’ve got my wife. I’ve got my daughter. I’ve found my stability and the comfort zone that exists between being Nik and Hooman. It’s the delicate balance of father, husband, and online persona. It’s a balance that took a lot of trial and error to find. A lot of fuckups and missteps.

  And sometimes you’ll hear me say, “Never chase.”

  I
say it a lot actually, but the meaning is lost on people from time to time. Essentially, it means to let life happen. Let the dominos fall. Don’t spend your life chasing fame and money and the shit that doesn’t matter. The road will lead you where it wants to lead you, so don’t chase the trivial. Don’t try to be something you’re not. If you take a wrong turn, if you fail or make a mistake, it’s fine. You can move on from it. You can recover. New beginnings happen all the time.

  The past is the past.

  Nik and Shayne Lamas-Richie in Cabo San Lucas renewing their love for each other.

  81Ironically, a principal at another school in Kentucky.

  Niktionary

  +2 Factor: when a chick gets a boob job it increases her value two points on a ten-point scale

  +2's: fake boobs

  30k Milli: a guy who claims he makes millions, but really only makes around $30k a year and spends all his money on stuff he can’t afford; a poser

  6 head (5 head): when a person has a enormous forehead (measured in inches)

  Affliction: a brand of clothing worn by losers

  Afro-brow: hairy eyebrows

  Air biscuit: fart

  Anti-petite: no way near small

  Aquaf*gs: underwater f*gs

  Babushka: a big, giant, Harlem Globetrotter-like afro, that explodes out of the panties of a Crabby Patty when panty security has been breached

  Beak: nose like a large bird

  Beat: disgustingly ugly

  Bissues: b*tch with issues

  Blanimal: a black animal

  Blast (putting someone on blast): putting someone in the spotlight and/or exposing them; talking crap about someone

  Bucket seats: nice ass

  Butterface: everything looks good but her face

  Cadirack: not easy on the eyes, an eyesore

  Caker: chick who wears way too much makeup

  Cannibal: a lesbian. Because they eat their own kind

  Car-Tastrophe: beat-looking people in a car

  Ceptor head: looks good except her head

  Cheesecake: real fruity guy

  Chubble: problems fat people cause

  Combustible cougar: horny for young men

  Combustible face: hazardous look

  Cougar in training (Baby Cougar): a girl who will grow up to be a cougar because her mom is one and/or she is starting to look and act like one

  Cougars: women who are 40 or older who try to be 20 (by getting plastic surgery, wearing tons of makeup, dressing like they are 20, etc.) and usually date or “prey” on younger men

  Cougar-Troll: an ugly cougar

  Cougarville: place where cougars come from

  Cougarwood: place where famous cougars go

  Cougrrrr: very ugly cougar

  Count Gutula: big stomach

  Crabby Patty: p*ssy

  Crash test dummy: a dumb friend that you can convince to do anything

  Dale boy (Dales): a guy who claims to be straight but acts like he’s gay (or really is just gay)

  D-Bagalicious: sensational D-bag

  D-Bag: douchebag; someone who sucks at life; a total jerk

  Dirty Army: the group of people who are fans of thedirty.com

  Dirty bird: dirty/sl*tty British chick

  Don: a young female gold digger looking for a new wealthy father or sugar daddy

  Douchetard: douche + retard

  Drag hag: someone who hangs with drag queens

  DRD: Dennis Rodman Disease; sexually transmitted disease(s)

  Dreamkiller: one who kills the dreams of another

  DSLs: D*ck sucking lips

  Dugout driller: aggressive gay guy

  Egg Roll(s): fat Asians

  F*gadocious: super gay

  F*gtastic: overly gay

  F*gtician: professional f*g

  Fake SGM: people who are not in the Scissor Gang Mafia but pretend to be by giving the scissor gang sign in pictures (and Nik will point out the reason why they are not cool enough to be in it)

  Fanny packs: beat girls that have no appeal

  Farm: a person’s ass

  Fattastrophe: group of very fat people

  Fifty cake mistake: big girl who loves cake

  Fifty-yarder: only looks good from fifty yards away

  File you away: putting a hot guy/girl (whatever works for ya) in your mental hard drive so you can masturbate to them later

  Flesbian: fake lesbian

  Forgy: Short for “for the gays”

  Frat rat: a girl who loves to hang out with and/or screw guys in fraternities

  Freetard: a free retard

  Front grill: teeth

  F*ck trophy: baby/kid…“What bout that chick you met at the club the other night, did you hit that?” “Naw, she’s got a f*ck trophy.”

  Fugly: f*cking ugly

  FUPA: a fat upper pu**y area. Men can have it too.

  Gaysian: a gay Asian

  Gestappo’s: those who oppose the Dirty Army

  Gills: side fat; love-handles

  Grave Diggaz: dirty nails

  Grazer: chick that likes to eat a lot

  Green Bay: cellulite; cottage cheese

  Gregalicious: owns a Greg

  Greg-Juice: self-explanatory

  Greg: penis; tummy stick

  Helmet Special: retard

  Himstitute: tranny prostitute

  Hoemerican: an American hoe

  Horses (or any reference to a horse, stable, the derby, races or horse names): people with huge teeth and gums that resemble those of a horse

  Insurgents: non-SGM perpetrator/ enemies of the army

  ITG: short for inner thigh gap, the appropriate distance between a woman’s inner thighs.

  Jack Bauer: a person with a large forehead or a twenty head

  Jay Leno: got a big chin

  Kodiak: body of a bear

  Lee push-up bra: from the makers of lee press-on nails

  Long head clan: horse division (horse head)

  Lotto baby: unknown father (a lot o’ people hit that)

  MAC forcefield: tons and tons of makeup that looks clown-like

  Mad monkey: extremely drunk and out of control

  Mick Jaggers: big lips

  Muffin top: when a person’s side or stomach fat bubbles over their waistband because their pants are too tight, forming the shape of a muffin

  Multichin: multiple chins

  Multi-Gregging: gang bang on one chick

  Nominee: person with no money

  Nomo’s: a place where no homos are welcome

  Noodles: referring to Asian people or descent

  Nostrildahmus: huge nose pipes

  Onion: nice a$$

  Oscar Meyer: got a Greg

  Pack of franks: fat rolls on a chick’s body…“Damn! look at the pack of franks on that chick”

  Paki house/hut: liquor store

  Patch Adams: balding

  Pearl catcher: chicks who get c*mmed on

  Pebbles: an attractive, yet underage and overly sexual young girl (a.k.a. jailbait)

  Pepperidge Farm: way too old

  PGM (“Pinky Gang Mafia”): the rival gang of SGM whose members show their pinky finger when having a picture taken

  Pickle smoocher: rubs the Greg

  Pig fishing: guys who are out to just f*ck anything

  Pirate: gay dude. Because they like semen on their poop deck

  Poon lagoon: pu**y

  Porta-Potty: An escort that is hired by the client for the specific purpose of being defecated upon (urine and/or fecal matter). The escort is payed a premium for this as it’s a niche service that goes above and beyond standard intercourse. Although intercourse is often had in tandem with defecation, the porta-pottie’s primary role is one of humiliation and belittlement so that the client may feel empowered.

  Prop 8: gay person who wants to get married

  Prosthetic Playa: fake wannabe player

  Puffydumbbell: roid user

  Purple crayon: a black man’s Greg />
  Raisinets: ugly nipples

  Red Cup Nation: those of us who agree that only red plastic cups should be used at parties (because all other colors are stupid)

  Refund gap: the huge gap between some women’s fake boobs that is so big that they should get their money back from their doctor

  Ronald McDonalds: high-arching eyebrows

  RVM: red vest mafia (valet attendant)

  Sevenhead: means “Yes I ride the Short Bus!”

  Sewerfront: waterfront in Scottsdale

  SGM (“Scissor Gang Mafia”): people who make a scissor/backward peace sign when having their picture taken

  She-Boys: trannies

  Shim: a girl who looks like a man

  Shimspital: hospital for shims

  Shman: female type of man

  Shopping bags: droopy boob job or +2’s

  Shotgun: a slutty chick. One cock and she’s ready to blow

  Shougar: a girl that is a cougar and a shim

  Skankaholic: addicted to or being a skank; likes skanky chicks; an alcoholic skank

  Ski jumper: big or long nose

  Slant f*cker: guy who only likes f*ckin Asian chicks

  Slim slow diet: a fat person who feels it necessary to show people her body…“Sick, see that fat girl in the bikini? Oh, she is feeling good about herself since she just got on the Slim Slow Diet.”

  Sloon: a chick that looks like she’s mixed with snake lizard and baboon

  Slug: ugly slut

  Snicker Licker: white girls who only like black guys

  Soldier: a member of the Dirty Army; a fan/supporter of thedirty.com

  Sorostitute: a girl in a sorority that is easier than a prostitute

  Sphere Job: a boob job

  Spongebob: a nasty female that has a crabby patty instead of a vagina

  Stallone: a really ugly Italian chick (or any chick for that matter)

  Stay Puff: juice-muscular guy obviously on roids

  Stretch Armstrong: face lift too tight

  Sugar butt: a gay guy

  Summer teeth: some are here, some are there

  Superhighway gap: boobs miles apart

  Synchronized sucking: what aquaf*gs do