The Wedding Party

by Tracey Richardson

  “Wow. It does sound a little like falling in love.”

  She gave Dani a momentary look of horror. “I know I want to be with her more than anything else. I want to fall asleep in her arms. I want to wake up with her. I want to make her coffee and breakfast and start my day with her. I want to phone her and text ten times a day. I want to kiss her, hold her, be with her. I know it sounds nuts, but she’s not like anyone I’ve ever met, Dani. She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever been with. She’s smart and fun, and so good at what she does. She’s got this great sense of humor, and she’s so wise, you know?”

  “Okay, wait. We are talking about Dez Adams, right?”

  “Of course we are! Jesus, who did you think I was talking about, the fucking chambermaid?”

  “All right, all right! No need to get so pissed at me.”

  “Sorry, you’re right. I’m just so . . . so, fucking uptight and pissed off and . . . and goddamned hurt.”

  “Why, what happened?”

  Jordan finished her drink in silence, as though considering how much to tell Dani, or maybe it took her that long to find the courage. Finally, she said with astonishment, “She fucking dumped me. Twenty-four hours of pure bliss, and then she suddenly showed me the door.”

  “Wow. Okay. That was pretty harsh.”

  “Oh, come on. It’s no worse than what I’ve been doing for almost twenty-five years. I’ve been a fucking dickhead, Dani, and I wish you’d told me what a dickhead I’ve been all these years.”

  She wanted to laugh at Jordan’s language, but it was the language of someone distraught, frustrated and half drunk. Jordan was being completely serious and looking at Dani challengingly.

  “Okay, look,” Dani said placatingly, “it’s not my place to—”

  “You’re my fucking best friend! Of course it’s your place to tell me anything and everything. Or at least the truth.”

  A few people turned from the television screens to stare at them in annoyance; they didn’t want to be distracted from their games. Dani lowered her voice. “Jordie, you and I don’t have heart-to-hearts. It’s not what we do, okay? And if I’d told you that you treated women badly, you would have jumped all over me and denied it. Or told me to go to hell.”

  Jordan signaled the cocktail waitress for another drink, earning from Dani first a frown, and then a sigh of understanding. Jordan was well on her way to getting shit-faced. Pain could do that to you. It had taken all of Dani’s strength not to hit the bottle when she lost her job. Escaping, dulling the pain with alcohol would have been the easy thing to do, but she’d successfully resisted. She had too much to look forward to—a future with Shannon, a baby perhaps—and those things had kept her on the rails.

  “All right, I might have done those things if you’d called me on it,” Jordan admitted, her words beginning to slur. “I’m a fucking asshole, okay?”

  Dani reached across the small table between their recliners and clutched Jordan’s hand. They held hands for several quiet minutes before Dani spoke. “Jordie, you’re not an asshole. You’re a wonderful friend. And an intelligent, caring woman. I’ve known you for a hell of a long time, and I picked you to be my best woman because I love you.”

  “Oh, Dani.” Jordan squeezed her hand affectionately. Her voice quavered. “You don’t have to say those things, you know.”

  “Yes, I do. We don’t say it to each other enough. In fact, pretty much never. But I appreciate you and I need you in my life. You mean the world to me.”

  They relied on each other regularly, but not usually in mammoth or profound ways. They often lifted each other’s spirits, distracted one another, had fun together, lived the little moments that added up to a deep friendship, gave each other unspoken support when it was needed. It was rewarding to know that they could lean on one another in bad times, and Dani regretted now that she hadn’t shared her job loss with Jordan. She’d been too embarrassed to tell her, and yet she knew deep down that Jordan would not have judged her or criticized her or pitied her. She would have been there for Dani if she’d given her the chance. She would confess now, except Jordan was too preoccupied with her own troubles, not to mention inebriated.

  “I love you too,” Jordan said, smiling sloppily and clutching a fresh drink. “Thank you for believing in me and sticking with me, even if I am a dick sometimes.”

  “I’ll always believe in you, dick or no dick.”

  “Yeah, well, we both prefer no dicks.” At least she was smiling a little now. “You know something Dani, I never knew before now what it was like.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Getting dumped by somebody you like. Or love. It really, really sucks.”

  “Yes,” Dani laughed shortly. “It does.” She remembered getting dumped by Julie, Shannon’s predecessor and the only other woman she’d ever truly loved. Or thought she’d truly loved. At least it seemed so at the time, but now she wasn’t so sure, because it was nothing compared to how she felt about Shannon. Fresh out of college, she and Julie were a bit too much oil and water and both far too career obsessed to give their relationship the energy it needed. Julie simply put them out of their misery by breaking it off, though Dani hadn’t been so enlightened to see it that way at first. She was devastated for a good year afterward.

  “God, I can’t believe I put so many women through this same kind of bullshit.” Jordan was staring into her drink, shaking her head bitterly.

  “Well, don’t flatter yourself too much, my friend. I’m sure some of them weren’t overly surprised, or maybe not even all that heartbroken. It’s not like you promised them a ring or something.”

  “I know that. But a few of them were pretty upset.” She stared for a long time at nothing. “I didn’t know any other way then. I was scared. Too scared to commit. It’s how relationships worked in my world. Hell, when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I always dated older women who weren’t looking for anything serious. Then I started dating younger women, hoping they weren’t looking for anything serious. It was really me who didn’t want anything serious.”

  “What is it that you’re afraid of?” The question might be too serious for Jordan in her current state, but what the hell. They were on a roll.

  Jordan turned tortured eyes on her. “Christ, what are you, my shrink?”

  “Yes, except I’m a hell of a lot cheaper.”

  Jordan laughed until there were tears in her eyes, and Dani wasn’t sure if they were laughter tears or sadness tears. “Oh, God, I don’t know. Afraid of being rejected once they really get to know me, I suppose.”

  Dani knew about that. It still scared her that Shannon might suddenly discover she wasn’t such a good person after all, that she simply had too many faults.

  Jordan continued. “Afraid of me needing someone too much, or someone needing me too much, and then disappointing them. Afraid of failure, afraid of being too happy, afraid of compromising too much, afraid of lesbian bed death. Christ, it’s quite the list, isn’t it?”

  Dani raised her eyebrows in amusement. “I can assure you that not all long-term relationships end in LBD. Trust me on that one.”

  “Well, I’m glad for you, but Shannon’s one in a million. I never expected to find my one in a million. Told myself that even if there was someone out there, I never wanted such a thing anyway, so it didn’t matter.”

  “Ah, but you found Dez, even when you weren’t looking. You can’t give up now.”

  Jordan laughed morosely. “Yeah, right. She’s given up on me.”

  “So why should that stop you?”

  “What, are you suggesting I become a stalker or something?”

  “Oh, hell no. Look, you don’t give up on those million-dollar real estate deals you’re always talking about when they get tough. You’re a pit bull at work. Why can’t you be a bit like that now, huh? Are you going to let yourself drown in your own medicine? C’mon! You’ve got more balls than that.”

  Jordan polished off her drink and thou
ght for a long time. Then she stood, swaying a little, and Dani jumped up to clutch her arm.

  “Let me get you back to your room.”

  Jordan complied, letting Dani guide her back to their hotel and up to her room. At her door, slurring, she turned to Dani and said, “So what the hell do I do to get her back?”

  Dani smiled, fully confident in Jordan’s abilities. “You’ll think of something.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Amanda

  Reclining in the warm thrashing water of the hot tub, Amanda barely listened to Shannon’s endless questions and attempts at conversation. Instead, she tried to imagine the words she would use to admit she’d married—and was now divorcing—Jennifer. It was difficult to concentrate with such an event looming over her. Shannon was asking her about school, about her plans for the summer, about her part-time job as a downtown tour guide of architecture in the city—a walking tour she conducted every weekend morning—and numerous other subjects. She tried to answer as best as she could but knew she was too distracted to be convincing.

  It shouldn’t be this hard to admit the truth. Shannon loved her and would forgive her—Claire was surely right about that. Shannon would probably be hurt that such an important secret had been kept from her; Amanda could understand that. Still, she worried that her aunt—her only close family member—might think less of her now. How could she not? Amanda had always been careful in her decisions, always thought things through intelligently and objectively. Letting her emotions rule when it came to Jennifer had been disastrous—something Shannon had tried to warn her about. She hadn’t heeded the warnings; she’d screwed up. But she was finally accepting that her emotions hadn’t been the enemy; blinding herself to everything else had been. She was finally beginning to accept that she could move on from her mistake, and maybe Shannon’s forgiveness and acceptance of her past would be the beginning of her own forgiveness and acceptance. It was time to put an end to the secret and it was time to regain the closeness with her aunt.

  Amanda luxuriated in the massage that followed the hot tub; it relaxed her further. Thankfully there was no more conversation, giving her time to gather her courage and plan her words. Funny how confessing to Claire had taken no such planning and courage gathering—it had spilled out of her effortlessly and was an example of how talking intimately with Claire came incredibly natural. Unusually so. She’d shared things with Claire in their short time together that she’d not shared with anyone since Jen. She and Claire simply clicked. The intensity of their connection surprised her, but not to the extent that she feared or doubted it. As a matter of fact, she embraced it and enjoyed it. Yes, I enjoy Claire so much, she thought with satisfaction. She appreciated Claire’s angle on things, her intelligence, her warmth, her humor, the easy way she had about her. And yes, the way Claire sometimes looked at her, like there were things she wanted to say and do. There was an undeniable attraction between them, and the realization slammed into Amanda, making her involuntarily suck in her breath.

  Her thoughts wound their way back to how they’d nearly kissed in the car the other night. Amanda couldn’t deny she had wanted a kiss to happen. She had delighted in the tender hug from Claire and the warmth and softness of her body, but the thought of Claire’s mouth on hers had undeniably made her tingle with heat and anticipation. At lunch yesterday she’d managed to put aside thoughts of kissing Claire, even as waves of heat kept pulsing through her like a small, rumbling volcano in search of release.

  The attraction still mystified her a little, but in a good way. It was not something she had been looking for and certainly not something she had expected. Claire was at least twenty years older, well established in her profession, a mother figure in some respect, perhaps. But Amanda didn’t need or want a mother figure; she was fiercely independent. So it wasn’t that. It wasn’t that she was lonely either. She’d not even been remotely attracted to anyone in the fourteen months since her separation from Jen. And yet here she was out of the clear blue sky attracted to Claire physically, emotionally, intellectually. Claire couldn’t be more opposite to Jennifer, yet it felt exactly right to be attracted to her. She was handsome in a distinguished way with graceful lines and a strong body. Her eyes were warm, her smile genuine. She was kind, intelligent, accomplished, and she was the kind of woman who knew how to love deeply and how to appreciate another woman. She was well experienced in how to be a good partner, a loyal lover for life, and the knowledge of that gave Amanda a rush of warmth.

  The masseuse stopped suddenly. “Am I hurting you? You’ve really tensed up.”

  “No, it’s okay.” She glanced quickly at her aunt, who seemed to have taken no notice of the emotions hurtling through her.

  “Well, we’re pretty much done here anyway. Are you ladies ready for the wet sauna next?”

  Shannon groaned happily. “Could we be any more spoiled?”

  Yes, Amanda thought happily, Claire would know precisely how to spoil a woman. She was sure of it. She smiled dazedly at her aunt, then sobered abruptly. The time was approaching, and she vowed to get it over with in the steam room if they were alone. No more procrastinating.

  They were very much alone in the sauna. Amanda didn’t know whether to be thankful or frightened, and like a taut string on a violin, she tightened inside. Wrapped only in a towel with classical music playing in the background, she breathed in the eucalyptus-scented humid air that spewed out in warm, thick clouds. It was now or never. She took the plunge.

  “Aunt Shannon?”

  Shannon reclined lazily against the wood-paneled wall, her eyes closed. “Yes, sweetie?”

  Amanda swallowed hard. “There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while. I was scared to before, but now—”

  Shannon’s eyes flew open. “What’s wrong? You’re not sick are you?”

  “No, no, nothing like that.” Shit, this wasn’t easy, and all the rehearsing in her mind suddenly spun away from her, useless. “The thing is . . . What I needed to tell you . . . You remember Jennifer Morgan, the woman at Stanford I was dating?”

  “Of course I remember her. Don’t tell me you’ve started seeing her again?”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Well, that’s a relief. To be honest, I’m glad you broke up with her before things got too serious. I never quite trusted her.”

  “I know you didn’t. And I’m sorry I didn’t put enough stock into your feelings about her.”

  “Well, it’s all in the past sweetie. It doesn’t matter now. You said she went back to men?”

  “Yes, she did.” Amanda had told her aunt after the marriage ended that she wasn’t with Jennifer anymore, but she’d spared the most important details. “See, the thing is, we got married. In California.”

  For a long moment Shannon didn’t say anything, and the heavy steam made it impossible to read her expression. Amanda repeated herself. “We got legally married.”

  “What?” Her voice was like the crack of a gun.

  “Shortly after you visited me and met her, we went down to city hall and had a civil ceremony.”

  “Amanda Jane Malden! Are you serious?”

  Crap, Shannon was really pissed off. “It’s okay. We’re not together anymore. It didn’t work out. We separated a few months after we got married. I’m trying to get divorced but it’s taking forever.”

  Shannon’s voice shook. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

  Because I’m an idiot and a coward, Amanda wanted to say. She swallowed her guilt and pride instead. “I knew you didn’t like her, and I was embarrassed that I could make such a stupid mistake. I was afraid to admit any of it to you.”

  Disapproval and disappointment were not things Amanda had ever experienced from her aunt before, but now they felt like a real possibility. Shannon was only marrying Dani after being with her for seven years, and in contrast, Amanda’s poor judgment and impetuousness surely would not be up to Shannon’s careful standards. You’re twenty-six years old, for God�
��s sake. Quit worrying about what other people think and trust Aunt Shannon to deal with this.

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m shocked.”

  Amanda willed herself to be patient; she understood it was shocking news. She inhaled the eucalyptus deeply until it singed her nasal passages, then let her breath out slowly, evenly. “I’m sorry, Aunt Shannon. I made a huge mistake, and then I made it worse by not telling you.”

  For a long time, neither woman spoke. Tears pooled in Amanda’s eyes. She was so sorry she hadn’t included Shannon—the only family she really had—in what was the biggest event of her life, followed by one of the worst times in her life. She should have included her aunt, she understood that now, but all she could do was vow to never shut her out again. “I’m so sorry. I wish I’d done things differently.”

  “I wish you’d done things differently too, kiddo.” Shannon sighed, and with her expelled breath went her anger. “But that’s over now. So what’s going on? Are you okay? It must have been an awful time for you. Did you have anyone to help you through it?”

  Tears erupted from Amanda suddenly, catching her by surprise as much as they did Shannon.

  “Oh, sweetie.” Shannon pulled her in for an embrace and stroked her damp hair.

  Amanda let herself cry for a few moments, let herself be loved and forgiven. It was about loving and forgiving herself too. She wouldn’t pretend that she was over the sting of a failed marriage yet. She wouldn’t pretend she’d fully forgiven herself, and Jennifer too, but with Shannon’s love and support now, maybe true forgiveness was more a possibility than she thought.

  “I’m so sorry, Amanda.”

  “Me too. Sorrier than you could ever imagine. And yes it was an awful time, but I’m okay now. I’ll be even better if I know you don’t hate me for this.”

  “Oh honey, of course I don’t hate you and I’m not mad at you. You need to know that I would never think less of you because of this. You know me better than that. You know you can always come to me. With anything. And that I will always love and respect you.”