Not a Chance in Helen
Page 18
Millie sighed.
“Enjoy your moment while it lasts, Queen Olivia,” she whispered, thinking of Marie Antoinette and her date with the guillotine. “As for me, I will let them eat cake,” she added, knowing that Olivia would get her comeuppance one of these days. Women like her always did. Millie just hoped she’d be around when it happened. Heck, she’d pay good money for a front row seat.
But for now Millie blinked her bleary eyes and tried to keep her hand from shaking as she delicately affixed the edible orchids to the seven layered concoction she’d created overnight.
She would get this damned cake done or die trying.
Chapter One
“IF WE’RE TOO late, we’ll get stuck in back and we won’t be able to see a thing,” Cissy complained as she drove with one manicured hand on the wheel and the other madly gesticulating. “For heaven’s sake, Andrea, how long does it take to brush your hair and put on a dress?”
“Longer than the five minutes you gave me,” I replied, wondering how I’d gotten roped into this cockamamie date with my mother when she had a perfectly good fiancé who could have escorted her to the bumped-up wedding of a Texas senator’s spoiled daughter. I had a perfectly good fiancé of my own who was sitting back at my condo, a beer in his hand, watching the Stars take on the Blues in the Stanley Cup play-offs, which sounded a whole lot better than what I was doing at the moment.
“Steven couldn’t come,” my mother said as though reading my mind—something she did far too often, and it freaked me out every time. “He’s off to Augusta for a golf outing with some old IRS cronies.”
“You mean he didn’t dump his plans for you even though he’d rather be in his yoga pants watching a hockey game with Malone?” I threw out for good measure.
“His yoga pants,” my mother sputtered, “watching a hockey game with Brian?” Her brow tried hard to wrinkle. Then she blinked and gave me a sideways glance. “You’re talking about yourself, aren’t you?”
“Of course, I’m talking about myself,” I growled, tempted to ask if Botox killed brain cells, but I refrained.
My mother sighed and did a very odd thing.
“You’re right, I’m sorry, sweetie. I shouldn’t have gotten huffy. I really am glad you could come to my rescue at the last minute,” she drawled and reached over to pat my thigh. “You’re a very good girl, and I appreciate that you’re tagging along with me.”
I opened my mouth but nothing emerged. Yes, I, Andrea Blevins Kendrick—smart ass extraordinaire—found myself speechless. My mother didn’t often offer apologies, unsolicited or otherwise.
“Truly, I didn’t intend to drag you out on such short notice but I only got the call from Shelby Ryan just before I went to bed last night. I had no idea they were moving up Penny’s wedding to today,” my mother explained. “It was too late for Steven to back out of his golf weekend, and I didn’t want to pressure him.”
No, I thought. No use making Steven feel bad when it was all too easy to guilt me into going instead.
“What about Sandy?” I asked referring to my mother’s Girl Friday. Sandy Beck had been Cissy’s personal assistant for as long as I could remember. She’d had as much a hand in raising me as my mother and couldn’t have been more a part of our family if she’d been blood. “Why isn’t she your date?”
“She’s visiting her sister in Magnolia, Arkansas, and won’t be back ‘til next Sunday,” Mother told me with a sigh. “Honestly, I tried.”
“It’s all right,” I murmured and added, “I can survive a few hours away from my yoga pants and Malone.” Two hours tops, I told myself. That was all. Then my dress would turn into rags, my coach into a pumpkin, and I’d be all the happier for it.
Although I wasn’t sure I would survive wearing Spanx. I could already feel them strangling my intestines. Unfortunately for me, my mother didn’t consider jeans and T-shirt proper attire for a swanky wedding; unfortunately for Cissy, my closet was full of jeans and T-shirts and little else. I did have one little black dress that I’d kept around for a decade in case of emergencies; but Cissy had nixed it the moment I’d offered. “Who wears black to a wedding?” she’d remarked with a sniff. “Morticia Addams?”
Instead my mother had deemed herself my fairy god-stylist, bringing over a new pair of Spanx along with a fresh-off-the-rack-at-Saks Carolina Herrera springy floral dress that was made for skinny women who survived on lettuce and water and/or had the meat sucked off their bones in seasonal liposuction sessions. It would have probably involved amputation or a bottle of Wesson oil to get me into the thing without the gut-strangling Lycra underpants. So for my mother’s sake—and, boy, was she gonna owe me big-time—I wriggled into the killer girdle and the über snug dress though I could barely breathe let alone eat a piece of wedding cake without rupturing an organ.
“Why was the wedding moved up?” I dared to ask, something Mother hadn’t yet explained although I had a pretty good idea. When I’d last heard Cissy mention the invitation to Penny Ryan’s knot-tying, it was set for late summer. It was now the middle of April. There was only one reason I could fathom for such last minute maneuvering. I muttered, “The word ‘shotgun’ comes to mind.”
Cissy sighed. “Well, I’m not one to gossip.”
I laughed and replied, “Since when?”
My mother’s Rouge Coco lips settled into a disappointed moue. She tossed her coiffed blond head and drawled, “Well, that was hardly very nice. I’m sure they taught you better in your Little Miss Manners classes all those years ago, or I should ask for a refund.”
“Oh, for crud’s sake,” I said under my breath and rolled my eyes. There wasn’t a Highland Park matron who loved to gossip more than Cissy Blevins Kendricks, the Doyenne of Beverly Drive, and every socialite within a ten-mile radius knew it.
“So how far along is the bride?” I asked point-blank.
“About four months as near as anyone can tell,” Cissy blurted out, and a spark lit her eyes. “Shelby said Penny’s starting to show, which is why they had to do the wedding stat. In another month, she wouldn’t fit in her dress.”
Ha! I thought with a smirk, so much for detesting gossip.
“Shelby said the latest scan showed that the baby’s a boy,” my mother rattled on, hardly able to stop herself. “They’re all pleased as punch since Penny’s an only child. She promised to name the boy after Daddy Vern.” Cissy took her eyes off the road long enough to turn her head and give me a wicked smile. “Vernon Ignatius Tripplehorn,” she said, adding, “Quite a mouthful isn’t it? They want to call him Iggy.”
“The poor kid,” I muttered. “That’ll virtually guarantee a regular ass-whooping by junior high if not sooner.”
And I should know. Being nicknamed “Andy” by my father early on—though my mother had always insisted on calling me Andrea—meant I’d heard plenty of playground cracks about being a girl with a boy’s name.
“Well, Penny might not have gone about things the proper way but at least she’s giving Shelby a grandchild,” my mother went on, and I saw her squint behind her oversized sunglasses, peering at the signage overhead as she drove south toward Preston Hollow. “Some of us are still waiting,” she said with a sideways glance before gliding toward the toll road exit.
Oh, joy, I thought, here we go again.
At least my mother was progressing in a forward direction when it came to guilt trips. Ever since Malone and I had gotten engaged the year before, she’d begun dropping less than subtle hints about wanting to become a grandmother. “Don’t wait too long,” she’d said most recently, “or that womb with a view will start looking like Miss Havisham’s cobweb-filled row house.” Somehow, the digs about my ticking clock were easier to take than the jibes that came before Malone had put a ring on my finger. For years, my mother would lay it on thick when she wanted me to do something for her, reminding m
e of how I’d broken her heart by refusing to debut when I was eighteen shortly after my dad had dropped dead from a heart attack. My big ol’ white deb dress that Mother kept hanging in my old bedroom closet as a constant reminder of what I’d “missed” would surely have had cobwebs on it by now save for the fact that my mother had a maid tasked with banishing cobwebs from the house.
And, yes, I knew I’d wounded her deeply for being a debutante dropout. Since my conception, she’d envision my following in her footsteps: coming out to society, pledging Pi Phi at SMU, marrying a bona fide blue blood, and settling down in Highland Park. But I hadn’t done any of those things. I wasn’t Cissy. Wearing a white dress and kidskin gloves at cotillion had been her dream for me, not mine. Losing my father had made me realize that life was too short to live someone else’s dream for them. So despite how hard my mother had tried to draw me back to the dark side, I’d fought just as hard to become my own person, whether she liked it or not.
Heck, I was still fighting.
“ . . . and they had to throw off the media so he’s letting them use the place since it’s been sitting on the market for months anyway,” I heard Cissy saying as I shook off my thoughts and realized we’d somehow landed on Alva Court with its ginormous mansions tucked safely behind guard houses and privacy fences.
“What?” I said since I’d obviously missed the most important part of her monologue. “Who let them borrow their place for the wedding?”
“Lester Dickens,” Cissy announced and gave me a “for goodness’ sakes” look when I appeared genuinely puzzled. “The oilman,” she told me as if that explained everything. “He’s got his house on the market since he split with his fourth wife. The court ordered him to sell and split the profits with Fifi or Phoebe, whatever her name is. Les told Vern and Shelby they could use it for Penny’s big day since no one’s livin’ in it at the moment. His soon-to-be-ex is at their condo in Vail, and Vern’s been staying in a suite at the Mansion.”
The Mansion being The Mansion on Turtle Creek, of course, one of Dallas’s swankier hotels. It was a go-to spot for the very rich when they wanted to run away from home but not too far.
Click.
A light bulb went on in my brain, and I put two and two together. Lester Dickens was Senator Ryan’s biggest supporter and had put together a PAC and bought TV ads out the wazoo to help good ol’ Vernon get elected in the first place. It was no wonder Dickens had loaned his buddy his mansion for a day. He was probably even more anxious than the senator to get the pregnant Penny married off.
“It’s actually a good thing you came with me, sweet pea. It’ll give us some ideas for your wedding,” my mother nattered on as she pulled her Lexus up to a pair of gates, rolling down her window to give her name to a security guard. “Your old classmate from Hockaday, Olivia La Belle, will be here. Shelby hired her for Penny.” Cissy drawled as the guard stepped back and the gates parted before us, revealing a sprawling Mediterranean villa sitting at the end of a very long driveway beyond palm trees and cascading fountains.
“Did you say Olivia La Belle?” I repeated because I hadn’t heard anything else my mother had said after the name. And all of a sudden I was flashing back to prep school and the athletic blonde who used to taunt me during Phys Ed. You must be a boy, Andy Kendricks, ’cause you have no boobs at all! Andy’s a boy, Andy’s a boy!
I flinched as though I’d been hit hard with one of Olivia’s carefully aimed dodge balls, and I rubbed my arms. I could still feel the bruises.
“Yes, Olivia La Belle,” mother repeated and wrinkled her nose. “Do you have wax in your ears, sugar plum?”
My mouth was too dry to tell her my ears weren’t the problem.
“I thought we’d chat her up and see if she’s available any time soon,” Cissy said, clearly ignoring the stricken look on my face. She steered the Lexus past a long line of shiny Caddies, Mercedes, Range Rovers, and Beamers that took up one side of the driveway and some of the expansive front yard. She finally turned into the circle around the fountain and pulled up to the valet. “You and Brian really need to firm up the date. Wouldn’t it be the bee’s knees, havin’ your old schoolmate in charge of your wedding?”
Was Cissy insane?
La Belle from Hell planning my wedding?
I shuddered at the thought.
“Absolutely not,” I said, plain and simple, and gave my mother the evil eye as we got out of the car; but she ignored me, smiling at the valet as she handed over her keys. Hiring Olivia wouldn’t be the bee’s knees at all. It’d be more like being swarmed by an entire, very angry beehive.
About the Author
SUSAN MCBRIDE is the USA Today bestselling author of Blue Blood, the first of the Debutante Dropout Mysteries. The award-winning series also includes The Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, The Lone Star Lonely Hearts Club, Night of the Living Deb, and Too Pretty to Die. She’s also the author of The Truth about Love & Lightning, Little Black Dress, and The Cougar Club, all Target Recommended Reads. She lives in St. Louis, Missouri, with her husband and daughter.
Visit Susan’s website at www.SusanMcBride.com for more info.
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Books by Susan McBride
NOT A CHANCE IN HELEN
MAD AS HELEN
TO HELEN BACK
THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE & LIGHTNING
LITTLE BLACK DRESS
THE COUGAR CLUB
TOO PRETTY TO DIE
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB
LONE STAR LONELY HEARTS CLUB
THE GOOD GIRL’S GUIDE TO MURDER
BLUE BLOOD
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Recipe for Susan McBride’s (Mostly) Healthy Tomato-Pesto Grilled Cheese copyright © 2014 by Susan McBride.
Excerpt from Say Yes to the Death copyright © 2015 by Susan McBride.
NOT A CHANCE IN HELEN. Copyright © 2014 by Susan McBride. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition September 2014 ISBN: 9780062359797
Print Edition ISBN: 9780062359810
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