Allie's War Early Years

by JC Andrijeski

  Yes, sir... I’m begging you. Unless you meant it, when you said...

  Feeling pain sharpen in the other’s light, I let the thought trail.

  Yes, Terian sent, rippling more heat my way. That’s a good start, brother. A very good start... I’m going to want to hear a lot more of that soon. A lot more of that... what did you call it before? Sincerity. I’m going to want to hear a lot more from that sincerity of yours. I’m willing to go to great lengths to that end, I promise you...

  He looked at me directly that time, even as he continued speaking to Varlan.

  “...We currently have four teams watching them from the Barrier,” he said with that lazy smile of his. “...But our highest-ranked among the group won’t hold a candle to the team you have here,” he added. “We aren’t really equipped for sophisticated, on-the-ground missions here. Our best people need to remain in close physical proximity to the camp itself. That’s why I asked Galaith to provide me with at least one, decently-ranked field unit...”

  ... Let’s keep the female out of it for awhile, shall we? Terian sent to me then, his mouth still moving in outside, although I could no longer hear his words. I think I want to take a test run on you, first. Unless you’re the jealous type. Are you the jealous type, brother?

  All seers are the jealous type, sir, I said, again without thinking.

  Terian laughed, pausing briefly to smile at me in the physical.

  True enough, he sent next. I wonder, though... is that a warning, brother? Will you try to stab me if I fuck you, then want to fuck one of your friends later?

  I didn’t try to answer that, either.

  Fighting to clear my mind, I focused my eyes back on the room, and the half-dozen scattered, metal folding chairs and tables strewn haphazardly across what had once been a white linoleum floor covered in puke-green carpets. My eyes paused briefly on the ratty, yellow couch that someone had shoved against a wood-paneled wall, remembering Terian’s words. I would think twice before even sitting on that damned thing, much less fucking on it, since it looked like it might be positively crawling with insects... but the rugs and floors of the room itself appeared to be relatively clean, if badly stained.

  Pushing that out of my mind, too, I glanced back around at the walls.

  More than anything, the place looked old... as in dated.

  Clearly built sometime in the mid-sixties, the room probably had its original furniture gradually removed as it got despoiled, without anything ever being updated or truly replaced. The black, military-issue rucksacks of my pod were the only modern touch. They took up one corner of the room now, piled in a haphazard heap just to the right of the door to the main corridor, where we’d propped our rifles along the wall like so many marionettes.

  When I next looked up, I caught Terian staring at me again, those amber eyes holding a pale curiosity as they flickered over my body. It occurred to me that the other seer’s light had scarcely left mine since he’d first laid eyes on me.

  Are you sure we don’t know one another? Terian asked me, as he continued to speak out loud to the rest of the group.

  ... You feel so familiar to me, brother... so familiar.

  “...with that, the deployment will take place tonight,” Terian intoned, still gripping the bottle’s neck in one hand.

  “...We can’t afford to let them get any more of a lead on us, even with my scouts monitoring their trail. I want everyone to get up to speed tonight, while you rest your bodies. At oh-five-hundred, I want to meet up again here... in this very room. After a final debrief, and a construct reweaving for the field, we’ll take one of the transport birds to a forward site, about twenty clicks from what we believe to be the current location of their primary extraction team. A more precise time for lift-off will be provided sometime in the next few hours, depending on the recommendation of the infiltration team on point currently, who are in the process of tracking at least two separate groups that have split off from the main extraction team. But be ready to go, when we meet...”

  So you do not know me, then? Terian asked me.

  ... I am sure of it, sir, I said.

  I feel certain I know you, Terian told me, softer.

  You are mistaken, sir... respectfully.

  “...in the meantime, rest and recuperate from your journey here,” Terian continued aloud. “You will only get the afternoon and evening, my brothers and sisters. I warn you, I expect zero mistakes in the field, so use this time to memorize all of the intelligence we have gathered on this group so far, and to recover your light in full, prior to being online...”

  I am never mistaken about such things, Terian told me, softer. Perhaps it was in a different life, that you and I met?

  Perhaps, sir.

  Perhaps we were lovers in that other time, as well?

  I felt my pain worsen. The other seer was actively invading my light now, no longer even attempting to be subtle about it.

  Perhaps, sir, I conceded, clearing my throat audibly outside the Barrier.

  Even as I sent the words, I felt Terian showing me that familiarity from behind the Barrier, and for the first time, I realized it wasn’t only flirtation, that the seer really did feel our lights knew one another, in some distant, less-obvious way. Terian continued to show me the subtle layers of that knowing from behind the Barrier. He pointed to the resonances patiently but insistently, clearly wanting me to feel that connection, too.

  I understand, sir, I managed, fighting to pull my light apart from the other’s. Sir, please. I can’t really do this here, not unless you really were serious about––

  You feel it, then? You feel what I am showing you?

  Yes, sir, I admitted, still struggling with my light.

  Are you hard yet, brother?

  I felt myself flush, but realized I was.

  Yes, sir.

  I felt Terian’s smile from behind the Barrier, and fought to listen to his words on the other side, knowing without asking that I’d be held accountable for every one, whatever distractions the seer threw at me in the moments he spoke them. I fought to hear the words with my ears at least, to memorize each one coming out of the seer’s mouth, that I might go over them later, before I had to live them on the ground.

  Somehow, I suspected I wouldn’t be getting much rest for my jet-lag, either.

  ... Nor a lot of time to learn the intel Terian had just referenced.

  Again, somewhere in the background of my light, I heard Terian give a low chuckle.

  A safe supposition, brother, he sent softly. A very safe supposition...

  I WOKE UP sharply, all at once.

  Pain blinded me.

  I lay there, gasping, fighting the sensations back.

  Adrenaline shot through my limbs, too quickly for my mind to catch up... part dream-space and part the unfamiliarity of the light still wound tightly into mine. The combination caused a flight reaction that had my heart in my throat before reason could intervene, all of my muscles tense, primed for immediate escape.

  It happened, fast.

  Really damned fast.

  Yet, faster than my adrenaline could turn that impulse into action, an arm clamped around me from behind. It was not a large arm, but the strength there was undeniable, forcing my light and body still. The charge of aleimic light that lived within and around that muscular limb acted even faster to compel me to obey.

  Calm, brother, a familiar voice soothed.

  I forced an inhaled breath.

  Then an exhale.

  I didn’t hurt you too badly, did I?

  The question confused me at first.

  My mind provided images, memories of when we first came into the room. The seer hadn’t been gentle, it was true. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, of physical battery. Seers could be aggressive when they fucked, especially when they were in pain. Terian had been in pain. I had been in pain, too, which likely affected the other man, as well.

  But I had more or less expected him to do what he did.

/>   Terian had demanded a certain level of light and body subservience, too, but that had only turned me on more. Truthfully, my mind and light wanted to relive that again now, and I found myself remembering us together on the floor, what Terian had done with his light, using it in ways I had never experienced before, using it through his cock, his fingers, his tongue...

  The combination turned me helpless. Utterly compliant.

  Terian seemed to like that, as well.

  I fought to get my equilibrium back, turning more tightly to my side.

  The physical pain in my body immediately rose back to my awareness. It disappeared almost as quickly, replaced by an altogether different kind of pain. I didn’t try to answer the other seer with words, but fought instead to control my light... then my breathing.

  I wouldn’t call my reaction shyness exactly, but something lived there, some combination of nerves and adrenaline that sent my heart pounding in my chest, even as I winced against that other, more visceral pain in my body.

  No, I answered belatedly, and more or less truthfully.

  I fought against the impulse to struggle, to free myself of the other man’s body and arm. I knew that wasn’t the impulse precisely. The impulse itself had less specificity to it... more a flush of aggression that wound into the separation pain that had somehow worsened in me while I slept, if that were even possible.

  You want to fuck again? Terian asked.

  I did, but I didn’t want to say it.

  You want to hurt me back, maybe, brother? Is that it? To do to me what I did to you?

  My pain keened upwards, making my hands clench into fists where they lay on the mattress in front of my chest.

  Yes, I admitted softly.

  Terian chuckled, then released my chest and shoulder unexpectedly, rolling his body away from mine. Sighing, Terian rested his back on the mattress. I felt the absence of the other’s flesh and skin keenly... strongly enough that my pain worsened past the point where I could force myself to be reasonable about it. Something in my light turned more intensely aggressive, the longer I fought to control it. That aggression grew more personal, too.

  My mind was working again, though... more or less.

  Jesus, what the fuck was I doing?

  How had I let myself forget who this was?

  It’s not like Terian had lied to me. The other male made it crystal clear that he had no compunction about dragging whatever one of his subordinates to his bed that he desired, however much of a whim that entailed.

  He hadn’t even bothered to spend much time on actual seduction in my case... in fact, Terian had multi-tasked that part, while briefing his field agents for their upcoming op. He’d demanded that I undress pretty much the instant the door of his sleeping quarters had closed.

  He’d demanded a lot of things, and clearly expected me to give them to him.

  Just what number was I, exactly, in the long line of Terian’s subordinates he must have bedded over the years? Or hell, months?

  Not like there was an ethical dilemma there.

  The Rooks treated their network infiltrators like adults, not like confused children.

  No one cared who or how many the network officers seduced, no matter if they targeted inferiors under their charge, or their superior officers. Occasionally, there would be a political blowout of some kind around someone’s sexual or emotional preferences... usually a seer going apeshit after another attempted to poach a partner or mate... but that was about it.

  Anyway, that kind of thing happened everywhere with seers.

  It had nothing to do with authority or abuse of the same.

  Regardless, I knew with a sudden blast of certainty that I was about to get kicked out of the seer’s bed. I imagined I felt the impulse in the other’s light already, turning into a list of excuses Terian would soon begin to politely (or impolitely) verbalize to get me out the door.

  I imagined I felt the other’s disappointment in me, too, a duller sense of boredom, that boredom strengthened by the fact that I had been conquered so easily, had gone compliant so easily, yet still hadn’t managed to live up to the anticipation.

  Behind me, Terian chuckled again.

  “So sure of that, are you?” he said. “Yet, personally, I’m not entirely certain I’ve conquered you yet, brother... or done much of anything but prove to both of us that you like sex.”

  I felt the tension in my limbs worsen.

  Pain lived there, more than I had felt in a very long time.

  It took me another few seconds to recognize the possessiveness that lived there, too, the complete irrationality and anger at Terian’s words. I felt Terian’s light flicker through mine even as the realization hit, a faint whiff of curiosity seemingly centered on that intensity.

  I fought to hide it from the other man, but knew I only half-succeeded.

  Again, I thought I felt Terian smile.

  It only pissed me off more.

  Terian held his light more guardedly now, I noticed. As a result, I couldn’t gauge anything specific in the other male’s actual response. Lying there, I tried to decide if I should say anything, then I realized there was nothing to say.

  I glanced at the seer’s old-fashioned alarm clock, forcing my mind back into military mode, ignoring the pain that still tugged at my light, especially in the area of my groin and belly. I equally tried to ignore the more physical pains that vied for my attention as soon as I put my focus back on my actual body.

  I remembered Terian using a belt on me at one point, but I’d scarcely felt that at the time, either. The pain, physical and otherwise, had been so wrapped into and confused by the other man’s light that I could only see them as part of the same end. Terian had me begging before long, but not to end that pain... instead I’d been asking him for more, anything to open more of the other male’s light, anything to allow me to feel more of it, whatever it took.

  If I could have cracked open the other man’s chest, forced him to open to me, I would have done it... but so much of the other seer felt distant, out of reach.

  Out of reach of my light, anyway.

  I remember Terian asking me things, too, wanting to know more about me, even as he beat me to open my light, even as he fucked me, after.

  You were in the camps, weren’t you brother? We recruited you from the camps?

  I told him about that, too.

  I’d never told that story before, but for some reason, I told Terian.

  I told him about the guard I’d lived with for over five years, a Russian named Krikev, who’d grown infatuated with me while I was still a child. He’d eventually moved me into the guard post quarters, raped me every night he wasn’t too drunk to get it up. Krikev turned me into a pet, keeping me in his kitchen like a dog. He used to make me kneel by his table, naked, while he ate his dinner with the other guards, a collar around my neck. He’d offer me to the others, too, and occasionally they’d take him up on the offer, depending on their own preferences.

  I told Terian that the human had enjoyed beating me, too.

  Terian only laughed, telling me that he didn’t blame Krikev for that.

  I told him more. I don’t know why I told him, why I felt compelled to tell him, but I did it anyway.

  Krikev regularly beat me nearly to unconsciousness when he drank. Then he’d rape me, if he could, but often he would just fall asleep, frustrated and angry.

  There’d been nothing erotic about those beatings, no light to share with the worm who could not see me as a living being at all, except to feel deprived of the desire and love he felt he needed. Krikev beat me out of stupidity, out of unhappiness and loneliness and a need to forget. He’d piss on me sometimes, too, leaving me on nothing but a few rags by the fire.

  Like a pet, like... nothing.

  Still, over time I developed a strange sort of empathy for the man, who would cry over his vodka some nights like a child, asking my forgiveness. That empathy didn’t stop me from snapping the man’s bearded neck, however,
the very hour the Org came to the camp, and offered me an alternative. Hell, I considered it a mercy killing.

  I’d never told anyone about Krikev before.

  I’d never talked about it with the Org agents who found me.

  I never told any of my other lovers, either.

  Not even Janen, who had been my lover for over a decade. Janen had his own secrets, of course, things he never spoke of with me, things I sometimes glimpsed through the vibrant, painful pictures that remained imprinted in Janen’s light.

  All seers had memories they didn’t speak of, in these days at least.

  The younger seers especially had memories of this kind, since they often suffered the most when humans began rounding their families up like cattle, using them as their own personal property. Those seers had less emotional padding, as well, in that most were ripped away from their parents before experiencing that foundation of love so needed in extreme youth.

  I forced that out of my mind, too, clenching my jaw.

  I had less than six hours to get ready.

  I’d need at least half of that time simply to shower, eat, dress and imprint the intel into my light so I would have it at my beck and call out in the field. That didn’t even include the intel Terian wanted us to know before we left the encampment. I’d slept some, but I doubted it had even been as much as an hour.

  It would have to be enough.

  First, I would eat... and find some coffee.

  I started to push myself up, sliding my long legs over the side of the mattress, when Terian caught hold of my arm, stopping me briefly.

  I let myself be stopped, but I didn’t turn my head to look at him.

  After a few seconds, Terian released me again, still without speaking. I felt my pain worsen a second time, but I only quashed it that time, too.

  Screw this. I didn’t need this crap.

  I didn’t need excuses, stories, or vague placations. I didn’t need to be kicked out at all.

  I could find my own way to the fucking door.

  Completing the motion I’d started, I pulled myself off the bed entirely and began looking on the floor for my clothes. The light was dim, but I could use my aleimi to compensate for my physical eyes, and I soon found my pants... then my shirt. I had a vague memory of the layout, from when the lights were still on, when Terian first brought me here.