A Dangerous Love 7: Smiling Faces Hide Lies

by J Peach

  My chest tightened and I fell against the wall. Tears fell rapidly from my eyes as the pain in my heart grew. I didn’t know how we were going to get through this without him.

  “Peaches, pull yourself together. You can’t break now. You have Blake to think of.” I chastised myself. My tone was thick from the lump in my throat. Hearing my own words only made me cry harder. How was I going to be able to look at Blake without seeing Blaze?

  I’ve called Blaze’s cell so many time and never got an answer that only confirmed my thoughts.

  How could he leave us?

  He promised he would always have me.

  He can’t be gone. He wouldn’t leave us.

  “Peaches,” Jerron’s deep voice echoed through the room.

  I didn’t even have the strength to move or reply. All I could do was cry.

  “Peaches, what’s wrong?” He picked me up bridal style and carried me to the bed. “Hey,” Jerron pushed the hair from my sweaty forehead and cupped the side of my face. “What’s wrong?” His concerned filled eyes stared deeply into mine.

  I sniffled, trying to calm myself down but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t shake the feeling of him being gone. “I—Blaze—I,” a loud sob tore from my throat and I cried, that was all I could do.

  Jerron’s lips touched my forehead before he pulled my head against his chest, allowing me to cry.

  “Peaches, it’s gon’ be okay. I promise you. Let’s get you out of here and it’ll be good.”

  How was me getting out of here going to be good? Regardless if I was confined to a hospital bed or out on the streets it wouldn’t change a damn thing. I just wished I would’ve planned our trip to Great America on his birthday where he would’ve been safe with us.

  “Come on let’s go.” He helped me into my clothes.

  Once I was dressed and signed the discharge papers, we left the hospital. We had been driving for a half hour and the ride had been silent the entire time. My mind couldn’t stray away from thoughts of Blaze. My heart was heavy and my head pounded painful from my crying. Sniffling, I wiped the lone tear that escaped my eye, then another.

  Jerron’s hand grasped my knee and gave it a slight squeeze. I glanced at him with a neutral look. I couldn’t give a pretend smile even though I was truly grateful for him being here with me. He just wasn’t who I wanted to be around at that moment. I wanted Blaze. I needed him.

  My eyes burned, my lips trembled and my chest shook violently. I couldn’t hold in the sob as I once again broke. The flood gates to my tears opened. He couldn’t be gone, he wasn’t dead. Not after everything we’ve been through. He just couldn’t be.

  Jerron brought the car to a stop on the side of the road. He reached over the seat and tried to hug me but I hissed out in pain as he leaned against my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry. Peaches, everything’s going to be alright, okay.”

  “How is everything going to be okay when Blaze isn’t here? Jerron, nothing is ever going to be okay again. Why couldn’t I just take him away like we planned? God! Ron, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. We weren’t supposed to end like this. I had just gotten him back and now he’s gone. This can’t be our end.” I ranted as I cried hard. “Jerron, tell me he’s okay, please. Just tell me you saw him and he’s okay. Please tell me that.” The pity that showed in his eyes clarified my painful thoughts were true.

  I watched as his mouth opened and closed followed by a sigh. “I promise everything is going to be okay.”

  Jerron saying that pissed me off. I moved his hand off of my knee and stared out the window. He let out a heavy sigh before he started back driving on the highway.

  All I did over the past two weeks was cry and I was tired of crying.

  I watched the trees for a long while before I closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep. I just couldn’t stand the pain.

  Chapter 10

  Peaches

  A Week Later

  I sat on the front pew looking at the casket with blurry eyes as I cried hard. My body shook violently and I clung to King’s arm. It wasn’t until I stared at the gold casket that I realized Blaze was everything to me. He was my first, my first love, my soulmate. Blaze was the father of my first child and even though it didn’t survive, he gave me another in its place. I loved him with every fiber of my being.

  But now he was gone. I could never tell him how much I truly loved and appreciated him.

  Thoughts of his morning birthday. The breakfast we had as a family. Our time at Mom B’s house and then at the club that night. I should’ve told him then, I tried to tell him. Now there would never be a later on where I could lay back on him and express myself.

  I wasn’t there when he took his final breath.

  King held me tighter as I sobbed loudly. My chest heaved as I felt bile raise up into my throat. I hurriedly jumped from my seat and ran out to the restroom. I burst through the door going straight to the toilet and emptied everything in my stomach until I began to dry heave. The veins in my forehead felt as though they were going to burst.

  The feelings of him actually not being here was becoming too much to bear.

  I couldn’t do this.

  “Peach, sweetie, are you okay?” Kim came into the stall with me. She pushed my hair to the side of my face and rubbed my back soothingly. “Here, babe.” She handed me a piece of tissue.

  I wiped my mouth and sat up. After I flushed the toilet, Kim helped me out of the stall and over to the sink. “Kim, I can’t do this.” I told her after I rinsed my mouth out.

  “I know, Peach, but babe you’re going to be okay. I promise.” She pulled me into a tight embrace.

  I hugged her back and broke down crying harder.

  “It’s going to be okay, babe,” she soothe as she sniffled. “You know we’re here for you. I know it hurts right now, but it’ll get better. I promise it will.” She squeezed me one more time before she pulled out of the hug. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” She grabbed some paper towels, wet them and then handed them to me.

  I had just finished cleaning my face when the bathroom door opened.

  “Shit, I thought I locked that damn door.” Kim fussed as she turned toward the person.

  From the change of her posture I knew it was something. I glanced over my shoulder and saw it was Tishana who had walked in.

  “We’ll be done in a minute. Can you give us a sec?” Kim rudely dismissed her.

  I didn’t know why but from the moment Kimmy met Tish, a few years back, she didn’t like her. “Kim, it’s cool. I’m finished.” I dabbed my eyes once again and sniffled.

  “I saw you run out and I was coming to check on you. Are you okay, sweetie?” Tish moved closer to me.

  Kim stepped in front of me and tossed her towel paper in the trash before turned toward me. Without looking at Tishana, she responded to her. “No, she’s not but she will be.” Kim grabbed our purse then my hand. “Come on, bae.” Kim said nothing else as she led us out the restroom.

  With the way I was feeling at that moment, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything smart to Kim about her behavior or apologize to Tish for it. That was something I would have to do later on.

  Once we were back inside, I took my place beside King and Bianca and zoned out as grief consumed me.

  ***

  We all were gathered at the cemetery. The pastor had just finished up saying his prayer. Bianca, Brittany and Marcus were the first to walk up and drop their flowers down on top of the casket. Brittany was crying so hard, the pain in her sobs shook my soul. I just wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay but I couldn’t.

  After the girls and I dropped our flowers, I needed to get away from everybody. Everyone’s emotions were beginning to take its toll on me. Especially Brittany’s constant screaming and crying for her brother.

  She didn’t want to leave him alone.

  I couldn’t stand there any longer. My heart and soul was weeping. I couldn’t do this, I needed to get away from t
hem. I needed to see him so he could tell me everything was going to be okay.

  “Hey, hey, aye!”

  I heard from behind me. I didn’t know the person was talking to me. I was going to ignore him until he grabbed my arm.

  I pulled out of his hold and turned to face a tall brown skinned man dressed in a nice black suit. My eyes squinted as I stared at him. I didn’t know why but he looked so familiar. I sniffled before taking my tissue and dabbing underneath my eyes.

  “I’m sorry. Can I help you with something?” My voice was thick from my crying. I cleared my throat as I tried to get myself under control.

  “I’m sorry for your loss. I was trying to make sure you where alright. I saw you at the church but I didn’t have time to check on you,” he explained.

  I sniffled and wiped my eyes once more. “Thanks and I’ll be fine.” I couldn’t put my finger on it but I just didn’t know why he looked so familiar but at that moment, I didn’t care to know. I just wanted to get out of there.

  “Sorry, I’m so rude. I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Joseph,” he stuck his hand out for me to shake.

  I shook it slowly, still not recognizing the name. “I’m sorry, but am I supposed to know you?”

  He gave a faint smile that didn’t reach his light brown eyes. Staring into his eyes, Blaze immediately came into mind. My heart broke. I had to get out of here.

  “It was nice meeting you but I have to go.” I was about to haul ass out of there and go home. But the man’s next words stopped me.

  “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he never talked about me. I wasn’t the best father a person could ask for. I’m Joseph Carter, Blaze’s father.”

  My mouth opened and closed before my eyes squinted. I literally didn’t know what to say. He was right. Blaze had never mentioned him so I was under the impression the man was dead.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk?” he asked.

  My eyes glanced over to the grave where Bianca, Brittany, Marcus and everyone else still stood. Did he not want to say his final goodbyes to his son? “I’m sorry for your loss. You don’t want to go up there? I’m sure it’ll be fine.” I guessed.

  “I’ll wait. I don’t want to start a scene and knowing my ex she’ll do just that. She damn near kicked me out the church, so I’ll wait. I’m just trying to pass time.” He looked like a heartbroken man who was on the verge of tears.

  My eyes welled up again because I knew his pain. “Yeah, we can talk.”

  I started walking toward the parked cars but shortly came to a halt.

  “What’s the matter?” Joseph asked.

  “I forgot I didn’t drive here. I rode in the limo with the family.” I embarrassedly admitted, given I was just about to leave but with no way.

  “That’s fine you can ride with me,” he offered.

  Again, I looked back to the grave site. With everything going on, walking off should be the last thing I did. “I’m sorry. I don’t think this is a good time. Maybe—”

  “I understand you don’t know me.” He gave a faint smile, which didn’t reach his eyes. He began to walk off but stopped and looked at me. “I wasn’t the best dad to him. I was hooked on drugs bad. The pipe and needle was my best friend for twenty-five years. When I got clean and didn’t relapse, I tried reaching out to my son. These past five years I’ve tried through his momma, his friends, everybody, but he didn’t want to see me. The night of his birthday, I went to club to see him and he threw me out. He told me he had no problem with me, but he didn’t fuck with me so he didn’t want to see me and that I should move the fuck on. And now,” tears ran from his eyes. “I saw you with him a few times. I just wanted to know how he was and you’re the only person that could tell me that.”

  My heart ached for him. He wasn’t able to make amends with Blaze, and I could only imagine his pain. And although Bianca’s dislike for him was understandable it truly didn’t help his situation.

  “I’ll ride with you.” I told him as I quickly sent a text to King, letting him know I needed to get away. I told him I had a ride and he didn’t need to worry about me.

  “Thank you.” He led me to a beautiful 1962 pearl colored Lincoln. He opened my door for me then went to his side and got in. He looked at me. “Thanks again. Are you hungry?”

  “I can eat.” I really wasn’t hungry, food was the last thing on my mind. I truly just wanted to go home and pretend today didn’t happen.

  ***

  “Blaze was about five at the time and I was in the streets heavy. I started dabbing in powder, you know. One night, I came home high and I carelessly sat my pistol on the side table in the living room where I had passed out. It seemed like I had just closed my eyes when I heard a loud Pow go off, scariest moment in my life. Blaze’s little bad ass had grabbed my damn gun and shot it. I was sure I had been hit. I jumped up checking myself and him but he shot through the wall. The bullet had missed his momma by a few inches. We both got our ass beat that day. Bianca’s ass didn’t play.” He told the story with glazed over eyes as if he was there in that moment.

  I couldn’t help but laugh because I could see Bianca trying to whoop a grown ass man. “I’m sorry but I don’t blame her. You needed your ass beat for that. The both of y’all needed it but you more so then him.” I laughed.

  “I admitted I was careless. And yeah, Bianca went crazy on our asses. But that taught Blaze something because he never touched my guns again. If he saw one of my guns, he was telling. We were good up until I fell off.” He cleared his throat then took a sip of his drink. “You knew him personally something I never got the chance to do. How was he?”

  I didn’t know how to answer because Blaze was a dick. But should I tell his father that?

  “Be honest with me. As a man, how was he?” he asked.

  “Blaze was a great protector and provider when I allowed him to be. He had his issues, of course, but that didn’t change anything. I loved him with everything in me. Blaze wasn’t an expressive person. So it was hard in the beginning but I can honestly say he felt the same way about me. I feel so cheated, you know. The night that everything happened I was in the middle of telling him that I wanted him to come home…” I wiped my eyes with the pad of my thumb and sniffled. “I’m sorry,” I apologized for getting emotional.

  “No, you’re fine. Believe me I know how you feel. I just wish he could’ve told me he forgave me for everything I put him, his sister and mother through. His forgiveness was all I needed. We were bonded at one point in time and I wanted that back. He was my boy, my first born, my only son. And to lose him this way—” he shook his head and his own tears began to flow swiftly down his cheeks. “I needed to know he didn’t hate me. I wish I had the chance to apologize, let him know I’m sorry.”

  I reached across the table and took ahold of his hand and gave it a slight squeeze. “I know this may not mean the same coming from me but I can tell you he didn’t hate you—”

  “How would you know when he never spoke about me?” he questioned.

  “Because that’s not Blaze. He would never hold onto anything painful. For him to hate you would give you some form of control over him. He wouldn’t allow that at all. I don’t know what he does exactly but he lets it go. Blaze was harsh as hell, he didn’t know how to be expressive, or sensitive. So if he told you he had no problems with you, that was the truth. Blaze saying he didn’t fuck with you is his way of saying he didn’t trust you. If he didn’t, then he truly wouldn’t deal with you because he wouldn’t know what to expect from you. You know, he never talked about his childhood with me. His mother did. Blaze was the definition of harsh, literally.” I shook my head, remembering all the harsh stuff Blaze had spat at me in the past.

  The sudden added pressure to my hand caused me to glance down at Joseph hand holding mine. I forgot I covered his hand in a form of comfort.

  “But you loved him?” He looked up at me. His light brown eyes bore into mine.

  The way he looked at me had my brows slight
raising. I know this man wasn’t trying to make a move. The look was so familiar. It was one Blaze used on me numerous times before. I looked down at our jointed hands and pulled mine from his. Joseph’s stare made me feel uncomfortable. Regardless of my feelings, I didn’t show my discomfort. I gave him a smile and shook my head.

  “Yeah, it’s crazy, I know, but I love him and he loved me,” I explained, thinking about the playful times Blaze and I had.

  “I wish I could have known that side of him. How did y’all meet?”

  I laughed at the question before I jumped into the story of how Blaze and I met.

  ***

  By the time I was finished with the story, we had finished our food and Joseph was looking at me like I was crazy.

  “I’m still stuck on the part where you locked the both of you in your room. Was you not scared that he would hurt you?” The disbelief in his voice made me laugh.

  “A part of me was terrified but I would never show it. Blaze was tall and big naturally but when he got pissed he seemed somewhat bigger. I’m talking about The Hulk big—”

  “But that didn’t stop you,” he stated factually.

  Again, I laughed. “No, B was so used to everyone being scared of him and getting his way that he kinda expected it from everyone including me. But I grew up around the hood. You know, so I was somewhat used to his type. Plus, my mother and father didn’t raise no push over. I was far from a punk, so scared or not I always stood my ground.” I laughed before I shrugged. “Our relationship wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t terrible either we had over moments. We both had a lot of growing to do. With Blaze, I actually think I brought the best out of him and that was something he didn’t expect. Blaze could never look outside of a hood mentality. I kinda think he thought that’s where he belonged so he never looked outside of that. I think I kind of made him see that there was more to life in a way so he pushed me away. Blaze was an asshole. But I understood him so we kind of worked.”