For Always

by Janae Mitchell

  He seemed taken aback by my rant, lying back on the bed, covering his face with his arms.

  "What?" I asked, wondering what I had said that was so bad. "I'm right and you know it. We can't avoid each other." It was easier talking to him with his face covered. "And if we like each other, we like each other. Oh, well."

  That set him off. He sat up and leaned towards me, but didn't get up off my bed. "'Oh, well?...Oh, well'? We can't like each other. It ain't right, Malyn. Ya know it ain't," he said painfully. "I…am…dead. There's nothin' we can do 'bout it. And ya can't be with someone who can't be with ya back." He sat back, losing his aggressiveness. "That's why I left last night like I did. When ya said what ya did, ya don't know how bad…"

  I rolled my chair over to him so that my legs were between his knees. "Why, Beau? Why can't we just…" It was at that moment I understood what he was saying. Why couldn't we just what? Date? See what happened? I knew what would happen. I looked at him in defeat and sighed.

  "See? It just ain't gonna work. I wish things were different. That's why I went to Nellie for help. And I don't know what her friend is gonna do, but if they can get me outta here…" He looked at me like he already missed me. Would he really leave me? Leave us?

  "Are you gonna go?" Just the thought of that hurt, but I understood. I didn't even let him answer. "I don't blame you, Beau, I would, too. I can't imagine what it's like for you. And if anyone can help you, Max can."

  "Max? Who's that?"

  “I'd say that's who she's gonna talk to about you. He's good. He knew I could see spirits before I did and talked to Grandmama about it. He made it much easier on me learning to adjust to my…gift," I said the last part with sarcasm. It had never seemed like a gift until now. I couldn't imagine never being able to see Beau.

  He looked at me with those icy blue eyes that looked like they could see right into my soul. I stared back, unable to take my eyes off his, wondering what he was thinking, when he smiled at me. "What?" I asked. He continued to smile but never said anything. "Whaaat?" I whined.

  He leaned forward so that his face was level with mine, still smiling. "It's a damn shame that when I finally fall in love that it had to be after I died." He dropped his head and shut his eyes.

  Oh, mylanta. Did he just say what I think he did?

  He looked back up at me, taking my breath. "What are we gonna do?"

  I knew what I was gonna do—hyperventilate.

  My skin started to tingle. "I tell myself it'll be easy to ignore ya, to stay away. I've done it with livers for a hundred years." He shook his head, as if he was confused by his own words. "But then I see you and all that goes out the window."

  My mind was still reeling from the 'falling in love' part, so I remained silent.

  "I wanna be with ya so bad, Malyn," he said with desperation in his voice. "But at the same time, I don't wanna hurt ya, which I'm afraid I've already done."

  "How have you hurt me?"

  "Just by bein' here. I should've just been nice, introduced myself, and left it at that, but I didn't." The hairs on my arms stood up on end. "I let ya in—into my life…my death…my heart." He reached up like he was going to touch my face. "And now I don't know how to get ya out."

  "I don't want out."

  "And that's how I've hurt ya."

  I understood what he was saying, even though I didn't agree. "But I'm not hurt."

  "Maybe not now, but ya will be. Either when ya wanna live a life I can't live with ya, when I leave, or if you have to leave. One way or another, I'm gonna hurt ya, even though that's the last thing I wanna do. I never wanna hurt ya."

  I wanted to hug him, tell him it was gonna be alright. Tell him I'm not as fragile as I look. But I can't hug him. I can't even hold his hand. I can't tell him it's gonna be alright, because it’s not; not as long as he's dead and I'm alive.

  Suddenly I felt all the pain, desperation, and anger he'd been feeling. And as if on cue, tears started to form little rivers on my face. I've never been one who could hold back tears, and I had never wished I could stop them more than right this second. It had gotten fairly dark, so I was hoping maybe he wouldn't see, but my hopes sank as soon as he spoke.

  "Malyn," he whispered. "…please…"

  I shut my eyes, wishing he would, too. I hated for people to see me cry, which he had already done three times since we had met. "I just feel—" I was suddenly interrupted by feelings I had never experienced in my life. My body felt like it was on fire. But no sooner than the heat came, it was relinquished to a cold shiver that ran pleasantly down my spine. Then, without opening my eyes, I realized what was going on when I felt Beau's lips on mine.

  They were so soft that mine melted right into them like we had kissed a million times before. I could taste my tears and I wondered if he could, too. He ran his fingers through my hair and gently traced his tongue across my bottom lip. I would have crawled onto his lap at that very moment but didn't know if I would end up in the floor or not, so I didn't risk it. I didn't want it to stop, but knew he wouldn't be able to kiss me much longer. He kissed me with short, slow kisses, and I nibbled back on his lower lip. The last nibble ended with my teeth closing on air. I kept my eyes shut for just a few more seconds, reveling in what just happened. I had wanted him to do that since the first day I met him. I had only kissed a few boys up until now, but even with them being alive, those kisses still didn't compare to Beau's—not by a long shot.

  I opened my eyes, afraid of what I might see. But to my surprise, his forehead was resting on mine, but I couldn't feel it. He was slightly transparent and I could see my bed through him. And even though he wasn't smiling, he didn't look upset, either.

  "I love you, Beau." Whether either one of us liked it or not, it was the truth.

  "And I love you," he replied without ever opening his eyes. "But I wish I didn't."

  Chapter 10

  SUFFERING

  Malyn

  It had been three days since Beau kissed me. I had only seen him once or twice since then, which I had kind of expected. I had been working until late in the afternoon and then spent the evenings with Beth…and Jace. I felt guilty spending time with Jace the day after I told Beau I loved him, but it was a complicated situation, so I told myself it was okay. The way Beau had acted after our kiss made me think that keeping Jace in the picture would be a good thing for both of us. I knew that as much as he had wanted to kiss me, he regretted it as soon as it had happened.

  It was my fourth day at the marina and so far it had gone great. I was still training with Beth, learning various jobs at the bait shop and in the restaurant. And I had gotten to work with Jace the past couple of days, too, which was nice. He did a good job at taking my mind off of Beau, which was not easy.

  It was slow up front, so I walked out onto the deck to clear a table when I heard a high-pitched laugh come from the dock. I glanced up to see who it might be and noticed a couple of girls heading into the bait shop. They barely had any clothes on, which was common on the lake, but a style that you would never see me sporting. I carried the dishes in and came back to wipe the table down when I noticed the same girls coming out of the shop with Jace. A pang of jealousy hit me for a split second, but I quickly swallowed it and finished wiping the table. I couldn't keep myself from stealing one more look before I went back inside. They were just standing on the sidewalk talking, and then she smacked his arm and laughed her annoying high-pitched laugh again. When she did, she tossed her head back, making her long, dark red, curly hair whip around, reminding me of a wet dog.

  Jace wasn't my boyfriend, so he could talk to any girl he wanted. But I knew right off the bat that I didn't like this one. I joined Beth back inside and started helping her fold napkins. "Who is that girl Jace is talking to?" I knew I could ask Beth and she wouldn't say anything.

  She peeked out the window to see who I was talking about. "Oh," she replied with disgust. "That's Morgan Sloan. She's such a slut."

  "Beth!" I scoffed at her, laughi
ng because I completely agreed, judging only from my first impression. "That's not nice," I said, still laughing.

  "Just wait 'til you meet her, which you sadly will. She doesn't like a threat, which you definitely are."

  "How am I a threat?"

  "Well, you're the new cute girl in town, which she won't like." She continued to fold napkins. "And you're beautiful with a smokin' hot body," she added with a grin. ”But most importantly, Jace likes you."

  "What does that have to do with anything?"

  "She's liked Jace for a while, but he doesn't pay her much attention. She's a bit of a snot."

  This last bit of news made me feel much better. "Well, I look forward to making her acquaintance," I said with a sly grin. I just didn't realize how soon that would be.

  My back was toward the door when I heard someone come in. "Table for two, please…three if cutie wants to join us."

  I turned to see two masses of curly hair, and the 'cutie' she was referring to—Jace. He seemed embarrassed, which somehow made me happy. I grabbed two menus and looked toward Jace. "Are you gonna be joining these"—I paused for a fraction of a second—"ladies?"

  He smiled. "Not tonight, maybe some other time. I have some stuff I've got to finish up." Always the gentleman.

  "Right this way, then," I said with a smile toward the hairballs. I didn't look at or speak to them on the way to their table in the back corner. But as soon as I set their menus down, Red glared at me.

  "Do I know you?"

  If you did know me, would you have to ask? "No, I just moved here. You're waitress will be with you in a minute." Smiling again, I quickly turned and made my escape before she could say anything else. I felt her eyes following me back to the front.

  Jace came out of the kitchen and leaned against the hostess stand next to me. "So, are we still on for tomorrow?"

  "Yeah, I guess I can just bring a bag and change here. Won't it be kind of late, though?"

  "We're working an early shift and getting to take off after lunch," he informed me with a proud smile.

  "You're mom ain't mad, is she?" I really didn't want his family thinking badly of me.

  "Why would she be? She loves you. When I asked if we could take off early, she was all for it. Now Dad, on the other hand, is pissed," he teased.

  I had only been around his dad a few times, but from what I could tell, he was extremely laid back and probably the last one in his family who would ever get pissed over anything. "Okay. As long as it's alright. Where are we going so I'll know how to dress?"

  "I thought you could just bring a change of clothes and we could either go out on the boat, or just hang out at my house, swim if you want. Then we could get ready and go eat. I could show you around, maybe head up to Pigeon Forge." He looked at me questioningly, seeing if his agenda was okay.

  "That should be fun." I smiled and turned towards him, knowing that Morgan and her friend were watching every move we made.

  "Great. We'll leave here around two o'clock or so. Sound good?"

  "Yep, sounds good." I was surprised at the fact that I was looking forward to it.

  * * *

  Grandmama picked me up from work, and before we got out of the parking lot, she asked, "Have ya talked to Beau lately?"

  "Actually, I've not seen him much this week." I knew this is what she wanted to hear, and sadly, it was rather true. "I guess with work and all it's been hard to find time to hang out with him." I did miss our nightly chats, which I had started looking forward to. He hadn't laid with me since the night I told him to kiss me. "Why?"

  "I ain't sensed him 'round lately, but it's probably for the best. I think Beau's havin' a hard time adjustin' right now. We need to give him some space."

  I knew this was her nonchalant way of telling me to stay away from him. "I know. I feel so bad for him, I wish there was something we could do."

  "Well, I called Max and talked to him 'bout it. He may come up for a visit soon and see what he can do. He had to clear his schedule and said he'd call."

  This bit of news made me anxious. I wanted to help Beau, but the selfish side of me knew what that entailed. "That'll be good. I'm sure Beau appreciates your help."

  "I think at this point, he'll appreciate any kind of help he can get. A hundred years has been long enough to have to suffer."

  I hadn't thought about it like that. "Do you really think he's suffering?"

  "I know he is."

  * * *

  I had thought about what she had said all the way home. It bothered me. When we pulled up the driveway, I scanned the yard and fields to see if he was outside. I didn't see him until we got out of the car and walked up onto the porch to go in. He was lying in the hammock, and when he turned to look at us, I secretly motioned for him to come in. I hated keeping things from Grandmama, but I figured the less she knew, the less she would worry.

  Grandmama grabbed a book and headed out the back door.

  "I'll be upstairs. I'm gonna get my stuff ready for tomorrow."

  "Okay. Let me know if ya want me to paint your nails or anything." After all these years, she still loved playing dress up with me. I'm surprised she didn't want to come help me pick out what I was gonna wear.

  Beau had come in with us and followed me upstairs. He kept his distance, so I don't think he was detected. The air felt awkward for some reason. Almost like it did the first day we met. We walked into my room and he took his usual spot on my bed without saying a word. He leaned against my pillows and crossed his arms behind his head, watching me. I sat down next to him and we just looked at each other.

  "Grandmama called Max. I think he's gonna come up soon and see if he can help you." I thought this would be the best subject to start with.

  "I hope he can" He still hadn't taken his eyes off of mine.

  "What have you been doing the past few days? I ain't seen you much."

  "Just thinkin'."

  "About what?"

  "You. Always you."

  "Oh." He had a way of making my heart feel like it might stop. I tried to recall what it was I wanted to talk to him about. "Can I ask you something?" He nodded. I fiddled with a string on my blanket before looking back up at him and asking, "Are you suffering?"

  He looked at me funny, like I caught him off guard with my question. "Why would ya ask that?"

  "We were talking at supper and Grandmama said you had suffered long enough. I just hadn't thought about you…suffering. I mean, I know your situation's bad and all, but I don't want…" I shook my head.

  He thought about it for a minute before he whispered, "I guess I am. And I don't understand why."

  That tore my heart out. "I'm sorry, Beau. I wish I could do something." I reached out and traced the edge of his arm with my finger, which disappeared into him.

  "I can feel that." He shut his eyes. "It's feels pleasantly odd."

  I didn't want to tease him, or myself, any more, so I got up. I figured now was a good time to get my stuff ready for tomorrow. I grabbed my bag, sat it on my bed, and got my bathing suit out of my drawer and threw it in.

  Beau sat up on his elbow, watching me. "Ya goin' somewhere?"

  I hated telling him, but I wasn't gonna lie. "I'm spending the day with Jace tomorrow."

  His facial expression didn't waver. "That's good." I don't know if he was trying to convince himself of that, or if he actually meant it.

  I felt guilty because I loved Beau. As much as I tried to tell myself I didn't, I did. Even though I had only known him for a few weeks now, it felt like I had known him forever. And I felt like I was cheating on him somehow by going out with Jace, even though I knew I really wasn't. "I don't have to, you know. I can call and cancel."

  "No, ya should go."

  I looked at him, trying to gage how he really felt. "Are you sure you don't care?"

  "Of course I care," he laughed, mainly just out of frustration. "Do I wantcha spendin' the day with some other fella? No." He looked at me with the eyes of someone who had lived a
hundred years, not just nineteen. "But it's for the best. Ya need to go and have fun…as much fun as ya can have with a sap."

  His jealous name-calling made me smile. "But you know, I'll be thinking about you," I said truthfully. "I always do."

  "Does he know? I mean 'bout how ya can…?"

  "See dead people? No, and I don't plan on telling him, either." He seemed to contemplate that and smiled. "Nobody knows but Grandmama, Max, and you; not even LeLe. I wanted to tell her, but didn't see a need in it." I didn't know if Margaret even knew, but if she did, she never said anything.

  I continued putting clothes in my bag while he watched. He sat up and looked in it, then gave me a scrutinizing look. "What was the first thing ya put in there? It looked like underwear."

  As I laughed, I felt my cheeks get warm. "It's a bathing suit. He said we may go swimming."

  "So, people swim half naked now days? Hmph. Too bad I missed that transition."

  "Yeah, I'm sure you would love the city pool. Well, for that matter, the lake has some doozies walking around, too," I said, thinking of Morgan and her friend.

  "A lot of things have changed," he said, drifting off. My phone chimed, letting me know I had a new text message. "What was that?" he asked, sitting up to see where the sound came from.

  I realized that he hadn't heard my phone go off since I had been here. "It's my phone." I sat down on the bed to show him. I pulled the text up first—it was from Jace:

  Lookin 4ward 2 2mrw. Weather's gonna b nice. Ttyl – Jace

  Beau read it at the same time I did. "What is that? Some kinda Morse code?"

  "No, it's just a way to shorten texts. Ttyl means talk to you later." I showed him what all my phone could do, and decided to try something. We were lying back on my bed, so I got close to him and held my phone up to take a picture of us. When the flash went off, he jumped.