Remember Love

by Ginny Sterling

  ~Colin

  Opening the other email out of curiosity, Colin was shocked to find out that it was a woman writing to him – someone Ethan knew.

  Hello Stranger,

  Well, I know your name is Wilkes (that’s an odd first name, BTW) – but we are strangers and frankly- I could use a friend. Not sure what your deal is, but I hear from Ethan that you are a prankster and tell a lot of jokes. I could use a few smiles as I try to get through my daily routine.

  Life’s been horrible as of late and while I should be grateful for what I have… I can’t help but feel wretched on the inside. Do you ever have days like that? I don’t know if you need a friend or not, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to have one more… right? So maybe our E-friendship could start with a few smiles?

  What’s black, red, and white all over?

  (insert groan here if you know this joke already.)

  Write back when you can – Ava

  Colin found himself responding to her email before he knew it. He understood just how horrible life could feel at this very moment and her words struck a nerve in him. Truthfully, he could use a friend or someone to simply pour out his feelings to… he was terrified to tell his parents what had happened and what he could stand to lose once the military hearing occurred.

  Dear Ava,

  I will admit that I was surprised to see your email – and truthfully, your timing couldn’t be more perfect. My life has been a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from lately and yes- I could use a friend. I’ve gotten myself into a mess of trouble and trying to figure out how to prevent my world from unravelling around me. I’m not gonna lie- I’m terrified right now. This is all I’ve ever done since Ethan and I were in high school. I know they say that when one door closes, a window opens… but what if it feels like you are on the top of a skyscraper? It’s not really any better perspective, now is it?

  I could use a few smiles and I do like corny jokes (FYI- the answer to yours is a newspaper) so yeah… let’s start this new E-friendship with a few smiles. I get computer access here on Tuesdays, so I will try to write again next week. Until then, here ya go:

  Two windmills are standing in a field- one says, “What kind of music do you like?” The other says, “I’m a huge metal fan”. (Yeah- that was bad. Wasn’t it?)

  Talk to you soon,

  Colin

  (Wilkes is my last name)

  Logging out, Colin took a deep breath and got up from the table. His soul felt lighter than he had ever felt in the last few months. He’d thought for sure that Ethan blamed him or hated him for what had happened. God knows that he replayed that moment over and over again in his mind.

  They’d been fooling around instead of paying attention. Ethan would shove him on the shoulder and Colin shoved him back. This had gone on for several moments when all of a sudden the world around him exploded. He’d been knocked backwards by the concussion of the blast but Ethan had become airborne from a landmine – or at least most of him. He’d gotten the breath knocked out of him and scrambled to his feet, expecting to see his best friend dead – and he very nearly was.

  Colin had immediately raced over, sliding in the dirt, and grabbed Ethan’s hand. The screaming was awful – painful, guttural, visceral- without breaking in sound. It was constant, never-ending.

  “Ethan! I’m here! Minter, I’ve got you!” Colin screamed, seeing the wild, crazed look in his friend’s face. He wasn’t hearing him and was dazed from the impact. As he started to look around, Colin grabbed his face.

  “Look at me! Look here! Look at me, brother!”

  It was nauseating to look at the carnage in front of him. Colin was barely able to keep his hysteria in control. There was blood everywhere. Ethan’s leg lay off in the distance, barely recognizable. He glanced up to see Cooper throwing up in the distance and even Post collapsed in the dirt onto his knees in shock. They all knew Ethan was going to bleed out there in the Afghan desert.

  “Keep him looking at you,” Griffin screamed at Colin. The older man stood up and yanked off his belt, trying to knot a tourniquet on Ethan’s leg to stop the bleeding. “Don’t let him look at me, Wilkes! You got that? Minter you aren’t going to die like this!”

  Radar, the K9 bomb dog, was whining and circling the men warily. Colin saw that the dog’s eye was missing. He glanced back down at Ethan and saw that he was staring at his own leg with a strange look on his face.

  “No! Ethan! Look at me!”

  His face was pale in complexion under his tan, making his dark hair and brown eyes look black against his sallow skin. Colin couldn’t help it, he started to cry. He was breaking down mentally at the idea of Ethan passing away before his very eyes. He was going to lose his best friend at this rate if they didn’t get him out of here.

  “Keep talking to him, Wilkes.” CPO Griffin ordered harshly as he picked up Ethan bodily. Ethan’s head lolled back and Colin grasped his hand desperately. The group was racing back to camp as fast as possible. “Keep talking Wilkes! Don’t let him go!”

  “Ethan you hear that?” Colin Wilkes yelled at Ethan. “We’ve got you, man. You’re gonna be okay!” Fifteen minutes later, Ethan was in a room, away from prying eyes, and had finally stopped screaming. The silence was deafening and covered the area around the small building with dread.

  “Is he… dead?” Colin whispered fearfully, barely able to utter the word. He hadn’t even realized that it was quiet yet because he still heard the screams in his ears. He’d never seen anything like that before and never wanted to again.

  “No, they gave him morphine and knocked him out so they could close off the wound,” Cooper muttered from where he sat on the ground outside of the building. They were all sitting on the ground, waiting, as if their legs couldn’t hold them any longer. Colin couldn’t help but realize that Ethan’s legs wouldn’t ever carry him again- and it was all his fault.

  “Man, that was brutal,” Cooper kept repeating, shaking his head.

  “He’s alive,” Post said firmly, putting a hand on Colin’s shoulder. The man seemed to be almost as stoic as Ol ’man Griff was. His chief, Griffin, made them feel like boys sometimes and Post’s ‘big brother’ act wasn’t far behind him. The man would be a great leader someday. “Minter’s gonna make it. He’s too stubborn to die. Are you okay, Wilkes?”

  “No,” Colin admitted painfully, his mind burned at the images that kept churning through his mind, knowing he’d caused them. “I don’t think I will ever be the same again.”

  Chapter 4

  Surprised, Ava saw the email response pop on her phone later that evening. As she read, she couldn’t help but feel empathy for the faceless man who wrote to her. The idea of taking on the thought of having to give someone a pep talk when she could so desperately use one herself, seemed a little daunting. His words touched her though, making her sit back and think as she read them again. Wasn’t that how she felt? Her very own description?

  Her heart ached as she thought of just how painful and sad that feeling of hopelessness could be. It was daunting to think there was no end in sight, but she was already coming around the ‘bend’ she felt. She and Aurora were bonding and life seemed to be getting infinitely easier- even if it was by miniscule amounts.

  She was actually going back to work tomorrow. Those six weeks passed so very fast and she was a little bit scared, not just of leaving Aurora with the daycare – but if she felt like she was barely keeping up now, what would it be like when she was gone forty hours a week?

  Colin,

  I might as well address this email as ‘Dear Diary’- because reading your words really touched me. I understand only too well. I, myself, ended up in a mess of trouble – not of my own making- but rather it was thrust upon me to handle. I’m not the best cheerleader out there if you are needing a pep talk because it seems like they just don’t work sometimes. Sorry! Daisy would be so mad that I am saying that but it’s true. I think talking with the right person helps sometimes or just getting it out o
f your system.

  So here goes…

  I am going back to work tomorrow and scared I am not going to be able to cope with everything going on. I seem to be just now getting back on my feet. My daughter (yes, I’m a mom) is now six weeks old and able to go to daycare. I’m terrified. I’ve heard children get sick, other kids are mean, etc. I mean, what if they neglect my baby? What if they don’t rock her to sleep?

  Not only all of that- but I do administrative junk for an office and just found out that we have a new timecard system that is a true mess. So, I will be learning that and how to maneuver about the new program. I’m good with computers, but people get stuck in a rut and change is scary. The last year has been nothing but change – and a lot of it.

  I am going to write you every day, Colin. I think you should jot down things to tell me on Tuesday’s when you get access. It can be therapeutic for both of us to just get it all out there. No judgement, my e-friend- I promise. If it feels like you are on a skyscraper, it’s time to step back and take a second to assess what positives you do have in your life.

  You have Ethan – and now you have me.

  (You lucky dog, you! I’d buy a lotto ticket with that kind of winning streak you are on there, buddy! I mean, does it even get much better than me?) So, let’s focus on the smiles and laughs. We have got to work on your jokes, my e-friend. They’re sincerely awful, but I did smile… and I am smiling now simply because I feel better knowing that I have someone to ‘talk’ to (that’s you!) Thank you.

  Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

  ‘Cause they are such fungis!

  (Okay, my jokes aren’t much better)

  I hope you have a great week, Colin. Write when you can,

  Ava

  Clicking send, she closed her laptop and sighed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders just simply being able to say what she was afraid of without fear of making someone upset or disappointing them. Her parents supported her in everything she did, but it wasn’t the same. She felt like things were so touchy between them and she kept waiting for a comment to come up about Aurora. She didn’t need them blaming her for getting pregnant, goodness knows she could beat herself up mentally all by herself.

  Was it something she’d said?

  Something she’d worn?

  Something she’d done?

  Why her?

  Those painful questions haunted her for months on end – and she was certain that it wasn’t over yet. Every shadow made her jump nervously after the attack. When it came down to it… it was just wrong in the most fundamental way. No one ever deserved to be treated like that.

  Shaking her head of the memories, she picked up Ava where she was lying on a blanket on the floor. Kissing her cheeks, she inhaled that sweet powdery smell and sighed happily. Sitting carefully in the recliner, she fed her a bottle before leaning back in the chair. She enjoyed their cuddle time together, rocking her gently and listening to her breathe. Six weeks ago she might not have been able to emotionally handle this, but she was slowly learning what a treasure Aurora was.

  “Wilkes! Get back here man!” Cooper yelled out.

  Colin glanced back and realized he’d walked off from the other men again. He was walking up a rocky hill while the others were in formation about ten feet below him. Sliding down the bank of the hill, he quickly returned to his position. He couldn’t help the way he kept getting distracted. Frankly, it was endangering himself and the other men. When he went on patrol, he heard nothing but screaming in his mind and couldn’t put that day out of his memory.

  “Are you trying to find a bomb out there?” Cooper snapped at him, tapping him on the helmet angrily. The sound echoed in Colin’s ears making him flinch. “You know, if you step on one you might not make it out alive like Minter did. It’s not a contest, man. You don’t have to blow off your leg like him.”

  The men around him got silent and you could have heard a pin drop. Colin saw red at Cooper’s words. Sometimes it was hard to have something said directly to you and he realized that there was an element of truth to it. He did feel guilty but this arrogant man didn’t have to put it out there quite so harshly. He reared back and moved to hit him square in the face. Post and some of the other men grabbed Colin by the arm.

  “You take that back!”

  “It’s the truth!” Cooper hollered. “I’m just angry enough to say it to your face. All of us see it and nobody wants to haul your butt out of here.” Cooper spread his hands wide and looked around. “Dude, you are the biggest guy in the pack. What are you, three hundred pounds of muscle?”

  “I’m not trying to get even with Minter, you idiot!”

  “And I’m not trying to get a massive hernia dragging your bleeding carcass out of some sand filled canyon. My junk is precious to me,” Cooper said, pointing at his pants. A few guys snickered around where they stood.

  “Now if the other guys want to carry you out- fine! Keep going off on your own towards the places we haven’t swept for landmines yet. Boys- let’s see a show of hands. Anyone want to drag Wilkes’ six-foot and five-inch frame back to camp in this unbearable heat?”

  Colin stood there and was shocked to see no one would look at him. Stunned, he met Cooper’s eyes and saw the regret in them. His friend was telling what the others wouldn’t say aloud. These were his brothers! Did they really blame him for Ethan?

  “I rest my case,” Cooper said quietly. “Man, we love you… but you got a death wish and you’re too careless for your own good. You gotta pay attention and let whatever is going on in your head – you gotta let it go.”

  Post put his hand on Colin’s shoulder as he stood there, unsure of what to say or do. Colin looked at the man he admired and thought so highly of and saw the truth in his eyes as well. They all thought Colin was trying to injure himself and his recklessness was endangering the rest of them.

  “He’s right,” Post admitted. “Let’s move out, men.”

  Ava got up early the next morning and quickly got ready. She was giving herself a bit more time to get to the daycare in order to get Aurora settled in. She’d come in last week, filled out all the paperwork, and met the caregiver for the infant’s room. The daycare seemed to be pretty on top of things. You wrote the baby’s initials on the clean diapers so that way they didn’t get mistakenly put on the wrong child. Each child had a bin for their items. They recommended a change of clothing (or two!), diapers, baby wipes, and a comfort item in case the child got upset.

  Aurora had the purple bin for her things and Ava felt terrible. She didn’t have a comfort item for her daughter. When she was upset, Ava comforted her. It never dawned on her to give her something to occupy her; she was only six weeks old after all.

  “Little Aurora will be just fine, Miss Ava. You go on to work and we’ll call you if anything comes up,” the caregiver, Sandra, offered politely. The woman bent down to pick up Aurora out of the carrier, cradling her. It was the oddest feeling to see another woman holding her baby. It was unsettling and another reminder that she’d done the right thing. She could never have abandoned her child, no matter how hard things got – and right now, leaving for work, she felt like she was doing that very thing.

  “I know. I’m sure everything is okay.”

  Ava could see that the woman was trying to politely say that she was worrying for nothing but this wasn’t nothing to her. This was her leaving her child for the first time with strangers! Looking back, she tried to push back the tears she felt as she saw the woman cooing at her daughter, gently rocking her back and forth..

  “Please call me if anything comes up.”

  “I will. The day will pass before you know it and your little angel will be waiting.”

  This time, Ava nodded silently and hurried out to the car past the counter. Other parents were walking in and dropping off their children like nothing was the matter or out of the ordinary. She felt awful having to leave her daughter in order to work. Getting in the car, she wiped her
eyes with a napkin from the floorboard and sighed heavily.

  Aurora, work, clean the house, clean out her car, something that resembles adulting, she thought wryly as she put the car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot before she ran back inside to get her child. She really needed to get things back to feeling like they were normal or on some sort of routine.

  As the day wore on, she found herself fitting right in at her old job. The computer system changes that she’d heard about through the grapevine weren’t so bad after all. It was a different screen but the same layout, easy to navigate. She’d been so relieved by that! Glancing up at the clock, it was already lunchtime and she’d be leaving to pick up Aurora in about five hours. So far, no phone calls – thank God!

  Snacking on her sandwich in the small breakroom, Ava found herself composing an email to Colin about her morning so far. She hoped he didn’t think her a fool but felt very encouraged by how smoothly everything was going.

  Dear Diary (Colin, that’s you),

  Today has been pretty good so far and I have to admit I was worried over nothing! Obviously I have a tremendously active imagination and was anticipating the worst. The new computer system was blown way out of proportion and the daycare hasn’t called yet. I expected them to call once Aurora got started crying. The girl has a set of lungs on her! Even my brake fluid light didn’t come on during the drive in to work! (I really gotta get that checked out sometime). Wish me luck that the afternoon ends in the same fashion – I’m on my lunch right now chowing down on some PB&J…

  Ava

  PS- What kind of songs do tortillas like?

  (insert drumroll) Wraps!

  It helped her to have someone to reach out to that wasn’t judgmental. People drew conclusions whether they realized it or not – sometimes it was a look, other times it was in the words that they said or at least that was how Ava took it. Everyone wanted to help the new mother it seemed but to her it wasn’t so much giving aid, rather creating more worry that she was doing something wrong for Aurora.