by Amanda Egan
PM
“You went where for lunch?” Ned questioned me over dinner. “Wooo, that must have set her back a few quid. Hope she’s not expecting a return match.”
I assured him that she didn’t expect me to reciprocate. He doesn’t need to know that I had, in fact, insisted on doing so (praying that she’d say no!). But she’s well aware of our situation and said she’d be delighted to come for a bowl of my carrot soup and walnut bread one day next week.
Fenella never makes it feel like she’s ‘lording it’ over me, which she could so easily. I really am so pleased that I met her and that’s got nothing to do with the free lunch!
Lou phoned just before bed:
“Tried to ring you at lunchtime. Where were yeh? Off at some chi-chi restaurant with your new posh pal, I s’ppose?”
Lou has a tendency towards insecurity and, what would now seem, clairvoyance!
“No, no Lou,” I lied, “I was catching up on the housework. Must have had the hoover on and didn’t hear the phone.”
“That’s orright then. As long as you were as bored as me, I don’t mind. Anyway I’m off now to watch a documentary about donating organs to medical science. There are a few wee bits of Cam I might give ‘em. He’s getting on ma tits at the moment. See yeh.”
Went to bed wondering if I have any normal friends.
Tuesday 17th June
CCL meeting
Really wasn’t looking forward to going to the school for our return meeting. Ned had again made it more than clear that if the majority of the school had voted for the abolition of CCL, then he felt we should start to look at other options. “And bugger the deposit. I won’t have Max mixing in those circles. I need to know that most of them are decent, Lib,” he added before heading off to work.
Dressed in suitable CCL supporting clothes - jeans and a T-shirt - and parked our modest Citroën amongst the 4x4’s, Audi’s and sporty numbers. Ned says most of them park using the ‘Braille Method’. “Ooops, bumped it. Must have been too close. Let’s see if I can park in that space over there without hitting anything.”
Have been told the parking at the school is atrocious on a Friday afternoon as they all bring their biggest cars so they can dash off to their country retreats for the weekend. How lovely! Fenella has already told me that she got rid of her Range Rover because she was sick of having ‘Rich Bitch!’ shouted at her every time she accidentally cut someone up. “My nerves simply couldn’t take it any more, Lib. It’s got nothing to do with wealthy arrogance, I’m just a lousy driver!”
Anyway, once again we were shown to the staff room where Nerissa, the smug little gnome, was sorting through her notes and being ignored by other mothers already present. Thought that was a good sign.
Mrs Montague started with how good it was to see us all back and thanked us for our time and commitment. She then went on, “Your findings made interesting reading and show the school in a very favourable light. We have always prided ourselves on being a caring school and this survey has reinforced that.” She then paused and looked directly at Nerissa, “In short, Mrs Constantinou, all parents - with the exception of five, with whom I’m sure you are on first name terms - have voted for CCL to continue its good work and have agreed to help with future fund raising in any way they can.”
The Gnome looked as if she was about to blow a gasket - obviously not the answer she was expecting.
Mrs Montague continued, clearly loving every minute. “Should you see fit to remove your children from the school because of this decision, you are, of course, perfectly within your rights. I would however stress that you would still be required to give a full term’s notice or forfeit your deposit as stated in your original contract with us. I would be grateful if, as class rep, you could pass this information on to the other opposing mothers.”
She then picked up her files, thanked us all once again and said she had an assembly to attend.
Oh joy, oh bliss! It was heaven to watch.
The Gnome just sat there looking like a perplexed pixie, deflated, except for her little cheeks which were beginning to puff up as a red flush crept up her neck and face.
“Well …!” She huffed as she started to gather her bits, “I can’t believe you all support CCL. ‘Couldn’t Care Less’, more like. Well if you want to wait until the school is full of hoodies selling crack and our children are being mugged for their packed lunches until you see sense, that’s up to you. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to go through ‘The Good School Guide’ where, hopefully, I’ll find an institution that doesn’t promote such absurdities.”
Am hoping she still has our sniggers ringing in her pointy little ears!
Wednesday 18th June AM
Nic called this morning in one of his ‘girlie flaps’. Both he and Rick have been offered parts on a summer tour, which doesn’t end until a week before their wedding.
“I know it’s an awful lot to ask, Honey-Bun, but would you mind terribly helping with the wedding arrangements? We’ve got lists and phone numbers and everything so it shouldn’t be too diff.”
Hope I managed to conceal my panic - I could just see my life spiralling out of control. I’ve taken on the fair and the puppet show and haven’t even given a thought to my own birthday (the biggie) also in August. Thought I was meant to have more time for myself as Max got older?
Nic’s such a good friend though and he really was panicking so I agreed for him to pop round later with the lists and his credit card details.
One more job can’t hurt and it is only a smallish wedding. How difficult can it be?
PM
Nic forgot to mention they hadn’t got round to actually booking anything apart from the registrar! (who was, thankfully, available to perform the ceremony at any approved venue). Oh, they’ve had lots of ideas, all of which were listed and one they’d even gone definite on - the colour scheme, black & cream (“so much classier than white!”)
Frankly surprised by their lack of organisation. Really not like them at all but their obsession with detail had degenerated into lots of poofy bickering.
The pursuit of perfection now lies with me and I have a new list:
WEDDING LIST- as supplied by Nic & Rick, with notes by me.
Book venue - 23rd August - try to have ceremony and reception in same place. If gorge hotel, book us the bridal suite as well. Will trust your judgment on food, Nige’! (Poss: sea food? No buffet crap.)
Great! The most popular month of the year for weddings and I’m meant to secure a venue. Panic then search web.
Once venue sorted, get invites done and posted - decide on one of the two invites in file, cos we can’t. Wording for invites and guest list attached - include the glorious Mrs S if you think she’d be up for it. Please note black and cream only to be worn - makes for fab photos - make clear to Ned in particular, couldn’t bear one his horrendous shirts!
Have decided on the most ornate invite - camp but not over the top. Review Ned’s shirts with gay eye tomorrow.
Order wedding cake - choc not fruit - must be gorgeous, in keeping with colour scheme and no more than 400 quid.
400 quid? I’ll make one myself for a fraction of that - consider tomorrow.
Book music - little band playing romantic show tunes for the meal and then wild disco until the early hours. DJ must have lots of Shirley Bassey, Madonna and Cher. Absolutely NO Elton John or Village People.
Panic tomorrow.
Flowers - decide where we will need them once venue is booked. Also lots on top table and 30 buttonholes - NO CARNATIONS, lots of lilies, cream only. Budget: 300.
At this rate, could be doing the flowers myself as well. Discuss with Fenella tomorrow.
FINALLY - you’ll be relieved to know:
Photographer - all sorted. Friend in the biz agreed to do it.
Our suits - leave to us, couldn’t expect you to dress us as well. (God forbid!)
Rings - ditto - SO exciting!
Good grief - will this be the str
aw that breaks my over-burdened back? Gay wedding organiser of the year, I am not.
Oh well, tomorrow’s another day.
Thursday 19th June
Dropped Max at nursery and quickly disposed of more puppy packages - becoming a dab hand now and don’t even heave when I do it.
Mrs S came in to say she’d finished her hundredth jar and gave me a taste of her new ginger and lime pickle. Really hope she does well after all the hard work she’s put in - it seems to have given her a new lease of life. Suggested she had little bowls of tasters on the stall to encourage people to buy. She giggled. “Again, Libbybeta, you are thinking the same as my Pritesh. What a fine coincidence.”
Sounded her out about the wedding invite. Had to bite my lip when she said, “Oh I am feeling very much like a woman of the world to have the honour of experiencing a lesbian wedding. I will be there with my bells on.”
After she’d gone I set to work on the wedding list - knew my priority was to find a venue because I can’t get the invites printed and posted until I’ve booked somewhere.
Predictably, all Nic & Rick’s original preferences were already taken so, after a quick but fruitless web search, called Fenella instead - she knows all the ‘in places’ and won’t come up with 53,000 options like bloody ‘Google’.
“Oh, Sweedie, I know the most perfect little hotel on the river in Richmond. SO romantic. August though? Leaving it a bit late aren’t they?” Thanks Fenella!
Gave the hotel a call and, of course, their main wedding banquet hall had already been booked but as it happened they had just had a cancellation for their smaller function room (a death in the family - Yesss!) which they told me would be ideal for 30 guests and had great views of the river. We’d also have access to the river gardens should it be a nice day AND they were sanctioned to hold weddings. There is a God …
Am viewing later but asked them to put it on hold for me - keeping all crossable bits crossed, although my tits have been in a tangle for weeks, and hoping for the best.
Called Nic who squealed down the phone a lot - think he’s a bit excited, bless him.
Friday 20th June
Hallelujah - the hotel was perfect and very Nic & Rick - 1920’s grand. Obviously couldn’t book the bridal suite for their ‘nuptial’s night’ because the other couple had reserved it (“Bitches!” as Nic himself bitched later) but got them perfect alternative suite with lovely sunken bath ideal for two - My homophobic hubbie didn’t want to hear about that though. Started mumbling something about “too much information.”
Got some sample menus to run through with Nic next time we speak and also emailed all details to the invite company so they should be ready for me to post some time next week.
Almost forgot we had a Seedlings class coffee morning so had to abandon any other wedding duties for the day.
Finally posted Max’s birthday invites - must start to think what I want to do for my birthday - other than sleep that is, which I guess wouldn’t be very exciting for my guests.
Saturday 21st June
Coffee morning yesterday all in all pretty yucky. Thank heavens for Fenella - she keeps me sane and helps me to see the funny side.
The morning had been arranged by an existing Manor House mum who hadn’t wanted to take on the menial role of class rep but, in her elevated position as Shaaaron’s committee secretary, had decided to host a ‘little pre-term catch up for mummies - sans children, of course’.
Judging by her house, found it hard to believe that she even allowed her own children in there. Wall to wall cream without a finger-mark, crumb or stain in sight. Surely that’s not possible - even without children?
Our hostess, Prunella, “But please do call me Poo” (POO??), was obviously going for the camouflaged look. Head to toe in light linen (perfectly creased but not too much - how do they get that effect? On me, it looks like a rag dragged from the laundry basket) and with an immaculately styled bob - expensively highlighted of course. In fact most of the mothers seemed to be sporting the same shade of blonde - is it some sort of unwritten rule that I haven’t been told about? Or a job lot?
Introductions were made and then the volume increased in the familiar Manor House way, punctuated with affected shrieks and guffaws - one in particular like a braying horse. Who could be the most interesting? Who had the most to boast about? Well, I knew it wasn’t me so decided to strike up a conversation with the mum closest to me, Araminta.
Wish I hadn’t!
She fired off a round of questions - almost Gestapo like, as if every vital piece of information must be gleaned to find out if I was actually worthy of her time.
What’s your husband in?
Do you have a nanny or an au pair?
Which road are you in?
Really, only one child?
Where are you going for the summer?
Where did you ski this year?
She moved on pretty swiftly, so I take it I didn’t pass muster.
I then got lumbered with the ‘mummy everyone seemed to be avoiding’. Can’t think why!
“Oh yes, Emily really is remarkably bright. I would imagine that the school will decide to move her up an academic year once they realise. Of course, Emily has been reading since she could talk and needs constant stimulation. Emily really is quite special, you know.”
Managed to extricate myself as I was feeling a little ‘Emily Sick’ and made my way over to rescue Fenella, who was undergoing her own interrogation from ‘Gestapo Mummy’. Fenella had obviously proved to be a far more interesting proposition than me and must have answered all questions to a satisfactory standard as the grilling had gone on for much longer.
Acknowledging me, ‘Gestapo Mummy’ gushed, “Fenella, have you met Libby? She lives in a little hice, you know?” (She really did pronounce it like that)
Fenella almost spat her mouthful of coffee all over the dreadful woman and later admitted to me that if she’d thought quicker, she would have done!
Instead she answered that, yes, we had met and were, in fact, very good friends. Hadn’t she heard that we were the new Seedlings reps? She then added, “And Libby’s cottage is charming. So beautifully decorated, it once featured in ‘House & Garden’. Anyway sorry, Araminta, we really have to dash - Christmas fair stuff to discuss. Can we put you on our list to organise food for the day? Thanks so much.”
Both went off to collect the children from respective nurseries and then met for lunch. Was still reeling from the woman’s snobbery. Fenella told me not to give it a second thought.
“You’ll need to develop a much tougher skin than that, Sweedie. Those types never engage brain before speaking. Look on the bright side … we’ve dumped the dreaded Christmas fair food on her. Karma, I’d say.”
I love my new friend - featured in ‘House & Garden’ indeed!
Sunday 22nd June
Had quick catch up with Nic on the phone. Told me I’m the best Fag Hag ever and he’d never be able to thank me enough for all my hard work. He loved the venue, which they’d checked out on the web, decided on one of the menus and couldn’t think of a better person to make the cake than me.
Looks like I’m lumbered then - must start experimenting. Got a feeling Ned and Max will be sick of chocolate cake by the time of the wedding. Sure with MG’s sweet tooth I won’t be short of recipes - sadly ‘Death by Chocolate’ hasn’t worked on her yet!
Just remembered, must book Mum to babysit on the wedding day as Ned doesn’t think it would be appropriate for Max to come. “It may raise questions I’m not prepared to answer, Lib. Not at his age.”
Judging by the slaughtered chicken answer, I have to agree with him. Dread to think what he might be capable of coming up with.
Monday 23rd June AM
Feel a bit more in control - most important bits of wedding arranged, 18 ‘yes’s’ to Max’s party and Christmas fair ages away. Fenella is away for most of July and part of August though, so we’ll really have to get cracking in September.
Have decided on design for the wedding cake - just need a recipe to hit on the perfect mix.
Went to specialist baking shop and quizzed them. Came away with a dog-shaped tin for Max’s cake and several alternative recipes for the wedding cake. Ned will kill me when he finds out how much the tin cost but I’m sure it will come in useful over the years?????? Anyway paid for it out of child benefit (usually used for Max’s clothes but we did get all that designer stuff from Fenella, so we must have saved money. Great logic!)
Felt quite yummy-mummy when I left the shop - even vaguely recall flicking my hair in MG’s style - Note to self: DO NOT REPEAT, think it may have made me look like I had Tourette’s.