by Amanda Egan
PM
Ned commented over dinner that, with all my new commitments, it was unlikely I’d ever find time to return to work, even part-time.
Then he really pissed me off.
“We’ll really need another source of income if we plan to keep Max in private school and we have to be realistic, it’s not likely that we’re going to have another baby now is it? I mean, you’ll be 40 in August.”
Think the daggers I threw him were enough to silence him. Not only had he alluded to my diminishing fertile years but he still hadn’t even mentioned any kind of birthday celebration. That’s IT - no sex for a month, Matey (who’d want to bonk a dried up old bag anyway? Well, apart from Pritesh of course.) and I am now not even considering organising my own party. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just another day.
Another day on the lonely journey to menopause - thanks for the reminder, Ned.
Tuesday 24th June AM
Was chatting to Ruth & Beckie at nursery when NM approached.
“Oh I do think you’re so brave doing your own puppet show, Libby. But I guess money must be tight now with the school fees and everything?”
Was too polite to point out that she hadn’t had any entertainment at PP’s party or that I’d heard on the grapevine the kids were so bored they’d nearly trashed the place (all 5 of them!)
Instead I held my head high and said that was the joy of having a fun-loving and gregarious husband who delighted in a challenge. Have heard hers is a computer nerd who she only sees at meal times. She’s not to know that Ned is actually an inconsiderate bastard who thinks I’m a lazy, barren old battle-axe.
PM
Meal in silence as I’m not talking to ‘fun-loving and gregarious husband’.
“God, Lib!” Ned eventually couldn’t stand it anymore. “What’s up? It’s not as if I called you a lazy, barren old battle-axe or anything.”
I may be off him at the moment but we’re still remarkably tuned in.
Wednesday 25th June
Was cleaning this morning when a huge bouquet was delivered.
Card read:
“My gorgeous Lib. Please forgive my insensitivity. You are as lovely to me as the day I met you. Look in my filing cabinet under ‘X’. Love always Ned.”
Big suck up!
Ran to filing cabinet and pulled out the ‘X file’.
It would appear that my ‘insensitive bastard of a husband’ has been secretly planning my 40th birthday party. Obviously he’s had to do it all on the cheap but it sounds perfect. He’s got ‘mates rates’ on a marquee for the garden (not an Argos special but a real one!) and he’s asked Fenella to do the catering (what front!) A friend of Nic’s will play the piano and sing and Mum’s been allocated decoration and flower duty. (Wise move not to put her on food!)
Guess I have some humble pie to eat and sex should go back on the agenda.
Thursday 26th June AM
Pretty tired this morning as we had a bit of a marathon love-in last night.
Spent a couple of hours testing out chocolate cake recipes - got a feeling Ned might need a bit of a sugar rush tonight.
Puppies growing by the day - still need to home two. Must start asking around again.
Had a quick chat with Lou in Scotland. She’s so excited about our visit next month and, as usual, is redecorating in our honour. What is it with the Scots? No matter how broke they are, they seem to have this compulsive urge to decorate every year.
“Och, Lib. I can’t wait to see yeh. It’s the highlight of ma year, sad cow that I am!”
Really looking forward to it myself - after all it’s our summer holiday. Five days in brisk Tillycoultry - no sun drenched beaches for us, but Max’s education is worth it.
Just hope he pays us back one day and puts us in a top-notch nursing home.
PM
Max informed me over tea that everyone at nursery is really looking forward to his party.
“I’ve told them it’s going to be the best party ever cos my Mummy and Daddy are so funny.”
Sweet but so misguided. The last time we attempted to run through the puppet show, the theatre collapsed, we missed out three whole scenes and Ned went all theatrical on me because I, supposedly, wasn’t ‘interpreting Deliah’s lines’ in the way he’d written them.
Must try another rehearsal tonight - I will not let my boy down. I’ll submerge myself into the role of Delilah Dog like a true pro. No mother will ever have been such a dog. Well, aside from a few I’ve seen at the school.
Friday 27th June
Spent most of the morning doing chores with my left hand while my right hand was up Delilah’s fluffy little butt. Practised appropriate doggy voices until I hit on the right one.
Got so deeply into character (mentally, that is, not my fingers) that I even answered the phone in a Delilah growl. Thankfully it was only Fenella, who thought it was the perfect voice for a dog. “So convincing I actually thought you’d trained Dog to answer the phone,” she joked.
She invited us round for an impromptu fondue tonight. “It’s retro I know, but such fun and I’ve just done a stock-take of the freezer and got loads of meat I need to use up.”
Agreed to be there at 8 and called mum to babysit, this time without the Delilah voice.
She was happy to look after Max tonight but then had a go at me. “I can’t believe you forced poor Ned into telling you about the party, you bad girl!” Just how old am I? “All his hard work ruined because you couldn’t wait for the surprise. You were just the same as a child, you know. Your father and I should have given you a good spanking!”
I thanked her politely for her opinion and said that I was sure Ned would be grateful for the spanking theory.
Saturday 28th June AM
Beautiful day so we decided to take Max to the park as they’ve finally re-opened the paddling pool.
Feeling a little worse for wear after dinner at F&J’s last night. Great fun, as usual.
Played lots of silly games and generally acted like overgrown school kids. Sadly, Fenella fell asleep in (and I mean in) the Tiramasu so we didn’t get serenaded.
PM
Did first half of the puppet show and think it went rather well. OK, so we’ll never rival Matthew Corbett but, for amateurs, I think we should be proud. Ned keeps spouting on about looking for the motivation behind my character and making sure I pave the way for his punch-lines. Honestly, he’s definitely in the wrong profession.
Drank a couple of bottles of wine while we were rehearsing so by the time we got to the second half it all went a bit down hill. Very adult, alternative ending which resulted in visual interpretation of ‘doggy-style’.
Was sure the puppets had smiles on their faces when we put them away.
I know we did!
Sunday 29th June
Mrs S knocked on the door while I was in the bath this morning and told Ned that Pritesh would be coming over next Tuesday so could I put on my prettiest dress and drop in. “Honestly, Lib, the woman has no shame! Who does she think I am? Your brother?”
Made a change to see him pissed off. A little bit of marital jealousy does wonders for the ego.
Went to high-powered sister #1, Elle, for lunch. Very rare occasion as she’s usually far too busy to eat, let alone cook.
Were treated to M&S roasts which Ned was grateful for because she did try cooking once and he said it was clear that she shared my mother’s kitchen skills. Had I been fathered by the local chef by any chance?
Should have guessed it wasn’t a completely altruistic invite because after our individual potted trifles - MG would be horrified - she revealed her true motive.
“Now, Lib. I know it’s my turn to host Christmas this year but you know what a hash I always make of it.” (Don’t think Ned should have nodded his head quite so enthusiastically) “So … Harriet (high powered #2) and I were thinking maybe you’d do it again - it’s so much more your thing.” She then went on, “As you’ve got more time on your hands, it
just makes sense. Don’t you think?”
Ned piped up that it was true, most of my commitments would be complete by then but I know he was just thinking about his belly.
Can’t quite believe we’re having this discussion in June but agreed to do it anyway and said we might as well invite Ria, Ned’s mum, as well. In for a penny, in for a pound.
Suppose I should be flattered that everyone likes my cooking - cheers MG, you taught me well.
Monday 30th June
Max’s last week at ‘Tiny Terrors’ - the end of an era.
He doesn’t seem to be at all bothered as he’s looking forward to going on to Manor House with his new best buddy, Todd. Fenella and I are relieved that they’re in the same class, as it should make the transition easier. Think it will be us mums who suffer the most trauma.
Need to remember to do some baking for the farewell party on Friday morning - don’t think anyone should have to suffer the atrocities of NM’s unbreakable flapjacks, as we did at last year’s Christmas party. How could something that’s ‘deliciously nutritious’ threaten to break so many teeth and constipate you for a week?
‘Shaaaron’, the Chair, called to have end of term check on the Christmas fair. Assured her that we had it all in hand and were geared up for the hard graft to start in September.
“Oh that’s fantastic, Libby. I can’t tell you how grateful we all are.”
She rambled on in her gushing way for a while and then added, “Oh and my husband and I would like to offer our villa in Cannes for two weeks, with flights of course, for a raffle prize. Would that suit?”
Suit? That would do very nicely thank you. But I may have to make sure that Ned doesn’t rig the draw.
Tuesday 1st July
Summer seems to have arrived, bringing with it the dilemma of what to wear - what’s in and what’s not?
Having to make do with the ‘haphazard classic look’ as best describes my wardrobe. Must try to make it to the charity shop soon, feel an update coming on.
Need to start thinking about what to pack for Scotland as we leave on Saturday - will probably only need heavy clothes so jumpers and jeans will be fine. Certainly no need to stand on ceremony in Tilly.
Must also remember to pack:
‘Stuffed Dog’ - think Max will have a bit of separation anxiety from real Dog and puppies.
Lots of things to do on the arduous car journey. Don’t forget ‘Beatles’ compilation CD for Max who has a bad case of Beatlemania, aged four! But then he is his father’s son and has been brainwashed since birth. (Even during conception if my memory serves me correctly.)
Unusual paper napkins I’ve managed to acquire over the last six months - strange obsession, I know, but Lou just loves them - especially if she thinks they came from London!
Crate of cheap wine and 2 bottles of Galliano - we love our ‘hot shots’ with Lou & Cam - and with ridiculous logic, convince ourselves that the coffee in them sobers us up.
Paracetamol and liver salts.
Collected Max from nursery where NM was accosting everyone for a donation for the teachers so that we could “present them with a little something on Friday as a token of our gratitude.”
A little something would be about right. She was asking for a pound from each mother (20 of us) and said she would buy for each of the teachers (6 of them!).
I know we’re not flush but it just seemed so mean and, considering NM ‘comes from money’, really odd.
Gave her a fiver and said to keep the change.
Left with her plummy whine ringing in my ears, “That’s so generous of you Libby. But of course, I’m forgetting, you mix with the vulgar moneyed set now, don’t you?”
There had to be one bonus to Max leaving Tiny Terrors and I think I just found it.
Wednesday 2nd July
Fenella and I now receive Manor House emails on an almost daily basis from various‘Mrs Doubled-Barrelleds’ (sorry Fenella), all either giving reasons as to why they’ll be unable to help with the fair or trying to bribe us with raffle prizes in the hope they’ll be exonerated.
Decided to accept all bribes, unashamedly, as we think we can manage with the smallish group of devoted mothers who can be bothered to get their La Perla arses in to gear.
Consequently we now have (in addition to all the other fantastic prizes):
More Veuve Clicquot than Fenella could spill in a weekend.
Louis Vuitton handbag.
Weekend spa break for two.
Van Cleef and Arpels voucher (or ‘Van Clit and Arsehole’ as Fenella and I call it)
Hermès scarf - do people really still wear them?
Personal trainer for a year - yuck, who wants to win torture?
Trip to Euro Disney for a family of four.
Matching his and hers Rolex watches.
Complete set of signed Nigella Lawson cookery books - my God!
Feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland. Seem to have entered a mad world in which I have no place.
Fenella just said, “Oh fuck the lot of them. They’ll all have been freebies from clients or work perks. All I can say is ‘thank God bribery and corruption live on!’”
Thursday 3rd July
Another puppy has been offered a home - Nic & Rick’s wedding photographer heard they were getting a puppy and mentioned that he was looking for one.
We met him last night and, despite the fact that he also clearly bats for the other side, Ned deemed him appropriate puppy-owning-material.
He then totally floored me by saying, “You know, I’ve been thinking Lib. That only leaves Dot without a home now and she really is very cute. Shall we keep her?”
The man who said we couldn’t afford one dog now thinks we should have two.
I tell you the world’s gone nuts - think I’m the only sane one in it.
But he’s right. She is adorable and Dog will be so happy to keep one of his babies.
In this insane world, there’s one thing I’m certain of - I love my soppy husband.
(Even if he does change his mind more times than a pre-menstrual girl)
Friday 4th July AM
Tiny Terrors Leaving Party
Independence Day - Is this coincidence or is it because it’s a significant day in Max’s life as he moves on from nursery to big school and no longer needs me?
Told Max we’d decided to keep Dot as well as Dog and he squealed with delight and said we were the best Mummy & Daddy EVER and he was NEVER, EVER leaving home.
Not even when he was a hundred and three.
Guess we’ve got him for a while longer then.
PM
Tiny Terrors party was emotional but fun.
NM had managed to buy a box of Maltesers for each of the teachers - think she must have pocketed the difference. So that’s how they ‘come from money’!
She did stick a fancy bow on each of them though, which made them look so much more attractive.
She also brought along some ‘Prune & Date Delights’ - a big hit with the kids. Not!
Poor Mrs Adams succumbed to one and then struggled with her ‘Malteser Acceptance Speech’, her teeth firmly glued together.
My MG’s ‘Tantalising Tarts’ went down well - she does do exceedingly good cakes - and I can still see the venomous look in NM’s eye as several mothers asked me for the recipe.
All said our goodbyes, slightly tearfully. But when I saw NM, mine were tears of suppressed laughter as I saw her clutching an almost full tray of ‘Prune & Date Delights’.
I waved at her with the hand that was carrying my empty tray.
Petty I know, but very satisfying.
PM
Early night.
Mum arrives at six tomorrow morning to house-sit and we’re off for fun & frolics in Scotland.
Can’t wait for a bit of ‘normality’.
Saturday 5th July
In Tilly at last!
Think I’ve overdosed on wine and Galliano hot shots, so will keep it short as I need to slee
p.
Journey horrendous - “Are we nearly there? How much further? Is this where they live?” from Max - and that was only at Shepherd’s Bush!
Also, if I’d had to hear Ringo singing ‘Octopus’s Garden’ one more time, I swear I wouldn’t have been responsible for my actions.